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Hyunjin had always been a night owl, but during that past year, all he could manage was to make his mind function during the day. Maybe because nights had become harder to endure.
It was October. October third, to be exact.
The apartment he and Chan shared was silent, almost ethereal, except for the hum of the refrigerator and Berry’s heavy sighs.
Hyunjin stopped in front of the fridge and stared at the photo held there by a magnet. He stepped closer, brushing his fingers over it. His eyes shimmered, and his heart began to pound faster.
In the photo, he was smiling while Chan hugged him from behind. They were still just teenagers back then. But even at that age, they already knew how much they meant to each other, and how neither of them could go on alone.
Still standing there, he decided to record a voice message, talking about how he had been feeling. The phone felt heavy in his hand, as if everything demanded more effort than it should. Even so, he unlocked it and opened the pinned chat at the top of the app.
“Hey, babe… how are things over there? I don’t even really know why I’m recording this. I guess it’s just one of those days, you know?”
Hyunjin paused for a second, took a breath, and, still looking at the photo, continued.
“Okay, it’s not just any day… Happy birthday, Chris.”
He smiled, but it didn’t last long.
”I thought calling you would be better, but I can’t… I guess it’s just by force of habit. Can you believe Berry keeps going to where your slippers are and scratching at the door? I think our girl misses her dad…”
As if she understood she’d been mentioned, the dog appeared at the kitchen doorway and barked. Hyunjin smiled again, feeling his chest tighten.
”She’s put on a little weight. I haven’t been able to leave the house to take her out for walks. Felix has been coming over—your brother is really protective of both of us, it’s kind of funny.”
Hyunjin stepped away from the photo and sat at the table, in what used to be Chan’s seat.
“He came over yesterday, stayed with me for a bit, then went home. He said Aurora can’t stay alone with her own dad for too long because Seungmin is way too clumsy and wouldn’t be able to bathe the baby by himself.”
His fingers played with the edge of the table, his eyes closing instantly as he wondered what Christopher would have been like as the father of his children.
”She’s gotten so big, babbling all sorts of things… you would’ve loved her. You’d be the most doting uncle in the world.”
The smile came small and sincere, but quickly faded, replaced by a feeling he didn’t know how to face. Hyunjin slowly opened his eyes, forcing air back into his lungs.
“I started watching House. Do you still remember that show? You used to nag me to watch it… I still can’t understand how you liked that guy. He’s such an idiot.”
A small laugh slipped out, involuntary.
“It’s crazy how I can still picture you pausing it and commenting on everything like you’re watching it for the first time. I wish so much you were here with me so we could watch it together…”
Hyunjin swallowed hard, feeling the knot forming in his throat.
“Yesterday I left the balcony light on. I didn’t want to be alone in the dark… It's too lonely.”
His eyes blinked slowly; his mind took a moment to process, and tears welled up.
“The house feels so big now… and so empty.”
He ran his hands over his face, trying to push away the overwhelming, irritatingly familiar pain.
“People say it gets easier with time, and I don’t know what it costs to believe that… It’s not going to get easier, and I don’t think I want to hold onto a place where you don’t exist.”
The words lingered in the air for a few seconds, as if even he struggled to believe what he had just said.
“I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to wake up early and come make coffee, but it’s not the same as the way you used to make it, you know? You knew the exact amount of grounds so it wouldn’t be too strong or too weak.”
He ran his tongue over his lips, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“You also knew where everything was in this house. Up until last month, I still couldn’t get where the dish towels go right.”
A broken smile threatened to form on his lips again.
“I miss you teasing me, Chris. I miss you complaining about the cups scattered around the house, the wet towel on the bed, the empty water pitcher inside the fridge… I miss our mess. And knowing that at the end of the day, we’d lie down in our bed together and fall asleep holding each other. The bed is so cold without you.”
The silence that followed was uncomfortable. Hyunjin was already crying without even noticing — it had become part of his routine. His breathing came out uneven, shaky.
“I’ve been waking up every night, hearing you turning the key in the door and playing with Berry.”
His lips trembled.
“I miss you so much, and I don’t know what to do with all of this inside me anymore. This pain doesn’t fit anywhere, it suffocates me every day, but today…”
A tear fell onto the table. Then another. And another.
“…today is October third, and I can’t celebrate with you like we did last year.”
Hyunjin sniffled and looked at the cake he had ordered, just like every year.
“I bought the same cake as last year just because you liked the flavor. I asked them to write your name and bought a candle. I’m waiting for Lix to get here so we can sing happy birthday. I didn’t want to, but he told me our tradition can’t go with you.”
Hyunjin took a deep, slow breath, trying to keep his voice steady.
“I think that’s it. I love you, Chris, and I always will. I hope you’re okay and happy, no matter how. I still don’t know how to live without you, my Chris… but I promise I’ll learn.”
Hyunjin kept holding the phone for a few seconds. His thumb hovered over the button before sliding, sending the audio. He stared at the screen, waiting for a reply that would never come. Slowly, he set the phone down on the table, avoiding any sudden movement, as if he might undo something he never imagined would be done. Berry approached quietly, pressing her cold nose against his leg. Hyunjin reached down and gently petted her.
“It’s going to be okay, my princess…” he whispered. “It’s going to be okay.”