Archive of Our Own

Ciel was a trust fund baby that hadn't really been told no, and had a delicate health during his childhood. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and that came with expectations, restraints even. He had gone a long way since, growing into a young adult, but he still sometimes felt like that little 9 year old who had to stay inside instead of going out to play just because it was winter.

He loved being in control, over himself or even controlling others, he couldn't take it when someone else tried and tell him what to do, what to wear, what to not do, or who not to date. He hated the feeling of having his options cut short or moderated from him. 

People understood, no one could really forget what happened on his tenth birthday. And well, they weren't surprised at the subtle changes after Ciel came back. He kept everyone at arm's length, became picky, analytic, almost as if he walked on eggshells.

He needed the control because if he didn't have it, he spiraled, maybe he was afraid of being caged again, of losing the freedom he gained. 

Ciel felt like he had lost so much already he had to make sure to not lose anything else, or lose any other experience.

Sometimes (all the time) he wanted to control the head of the people around him. Control his parent’s head when they talked about the future and college, or on how Funtom should expand. He craved the ability to skip the discussion, he wished they would let him do as he pleased. 

He also wanted to take over his brother's mind when they played a team game and Sirius did whatever he wanted, or when they couldn't agree on what to do during vacations. 

And of course he wanted to control Sebastian’s head, and it went beyond the toxic desire of always keeping an eye on the older boy. He wanted to control… more like know what the other thought of him, what he saw when he looked at him. He desired to know  Sebastian’s true thoughts during their lazy mornings, while they whispered nonsense after a long night together.  Wanted, almost needed to know what the black-haired man thought when they had sex, what he picked up when he looked at Ciel. If he minded his skinnier body, or the mark on his back. If he really found him beautiful like he always claimed. 

It isn't that Ciel didn't believe him. He knew he was pretty. He was a very public person, being the head of Funtom and a Phantomhive, after all. Ciel kept a critical eye on what he ate, how he dressed, or how he looked. He controlled his appearance with medical precision 

But Sebastian talked devotedly about him, his praises seemed… too sweet, intoxicating. But were they real? Or at least with the intensity the older claimed? 

Dating Sebastian was pleasant, safe. He gave Ciel a place, where there weren't the usual expectations, and was all fuzzy and full of comfort for him. Sebastian respected boundaries and kept things balanced between the two of them. Being aware and careful about the age gap, and the different situations they lived in. Sebastian didn’t have a last name that weighed on him. Ciel did, and had the company, and was still going through university, which Sebastian had finished some time ago. They were different, but still they felt pulled to each other.

But sometimes it didn't feel like enough. Ciel selfishly wanted Sebastian's life to revolve more around him.The devotion Sebastian claimed felt empty when he changed plans last minute for different reasons (always apologizing, and most times for reasonable reasons) 

And of course Ciel’s parents looked.. careful at the older man, almost suspecting him. They never said anything directly but Ciel knew.  

More often than not , Sirius would enter his brother's room to hang out and find his twin mildly annoyed (and pouting) because he wanted to do something with his boyfriend and Sebastian couldn't. Sirius never pushed , afraid to rile up his brother way past the line and making him more angry than he already was. 

And Ciel kept his love problems away from his twin. Not because he had something to hide. Mostly because he knew his brother didn't understand, Sirius had an arranged fiance since he was a child. Yes, an arranged marriage in the 21st century. The twins found it normal, Sebastian thought of it as almost medieval but didn't comment on it. So when he wanted to talk to someone about a situation in his love life he reached for his friend Alois Trancy.

The thing was… Alois was clingy and more intense than Ciel. Trancy devoted himself to whoever was his partner at the moment, giving his all and expecting the same or double from the other person. So whenever Ciel wanted reassurance that he was right on desiring more, he talked to Alois. Knowing the other boy would say exactly what Ciel wanted to hear. The guy was predictable and always stood beside Ciel, it didn't matter what had actually happened. 

Everything was fine tho. Ciel and Sebastian never fought; the older made sure everything was talked out properly, and Ciel liked that, even if he didn’t always say all he felt, afraid of being too much all at once. Alois said it was the right way to do things, and Ciel accepted the reassurance, even though a small, nagging part of him doubted the words of his friend.

And still everything was good because he loved Sebastian. Even if the older guy sometimes failed to do enough.

Ciel had been reading the same calc problem for the last 30 minutes. It’s not that he didn’t understand the problem, the issue was that his mind wandered around. He was waiting for someone to answer his texts, and that distracted him badly.

He couldn’t help but glance at his phone every few minutes, even turning it down and putting something over it to try and ignore it.

Blame him, he had shared some texts with Sebastian early in the morning, before and after his first class. But now he’d gone quiet. Most likely he was just in class, or even answering questions of his students.

It was fine, Ciel understood. But really Sebastian couldn’t spare a minute to text him back? Whatever. 

“I need a break” Ciel muttered, stretching out. 

He did need a break but from looking at his phone waiting, and from the calculus problem that he hadn't written a single thing down yet. He felt judgment from the unfinished work. Or maybe it was his own head judging him.  

He got up and walked away from his desk, fetching his phone unconsciously. Waiting for a message was annoying, but he couldn’t help himself. If Sebastian texts him back then that’ll mean he’s free-er and Ciel wants to have an actual conversation with him, hopefully Sebastian would answer more than three messages if he was released from whatever was keeping him so occupied.

The halls from the mansion felt shorter when he had so much on his head, or maybe he was just walking in automatic, maybe his legs were just moving on autopilot while his thoughts wandered elsewhere.

The boy entered the kitchen, throwing his phone over a counter and starting the coffee machine, still distracted. After setting it, he leaned on the counter beside the machine looking at his phone intensely, but he was now thinking about more than his missing boyfriend.

He had a gala coming up, and the publicity meeting somewhere during next week. Also the classes on Monday morning. And he should probably start that essay that was instructed for Macroeconomics. 

He sighed under the weight of the responsibilities he had, but also because it felt kinda dumb to worry about an answer that would eventually come when he had greater things to take care of.

“You know that looking at your phone like that doesn't make Sebastian answer faster, right? They don't have that function yet”

Ciel was so deep in thought and all he had to do, that when his brother entered the kitchen he didn't even notice until he spoke.

“I might be expecting some email about Funtom”

Sirius laughed, a small snort followed by a look of “yeah right” but didn’t push.

“Are you doing something tonight?”

Sirius asked even though he kinda already knew the answer. Ciel just hummed and shrug

“I’ll go to Sebastian's apartment.”

His twin made an expression that Ciel ignored, turning to get his coffee off the machine.

“Does he know you are going?”

Ciel stopped for a second and then shrugged again, “He will.”

It was usual, Fridays were always like this. Ciel was never too social and didn't really enjoy going out to parties, and most Fridays, he stayed in, working, studying or whatever responsibility he had to attend. 

But it changed when Sebastian entered his life, then the usual became his boyfriend inviting him over, to have dinner, watch a movie or just simply to be together. Ciel liked it, staying inside with Sebastian meant good food and long conversations. He could really shut his mind when he was at the older boy's apartment.

With his coffee on hand Ciel went to take a seat, leaving his phone away for a bit, sipping on the warm and bitter drink calmly.  He lost himself in thought as he sat on the white cushion chair, looking out through the glass door. It was cold outside, not snowy cold but still chilly. 

Their houses were so different from each other, Sebastian had a modern apartment, two bedrooms, an open kitchen and floor to ceiling windows that always let the sun in, they allowed Ciel to look at Sebastian under the golden hour. It was pretty and always slightly warm. 

In contrast, the Phantomhive house was big and everything had a place to go. Tall ceilings and big expensive paintings that served the one and only purpose to show wealth. If you asked the boy they were quite ugly too. His residence was always cold, something about how the air traveled when the ceilings were higher, physics or whatever. Sirius usually joked that it was always cold because of the ghosts that roamed around.

Don’t get him wrong, he liked his house, the big mansion gave him spaces to walk and think, places to hide when his family was too much. The cold always keeping him with his feet on the ground. Even if most of the time, the halls seemed to stretch forever and looked like they didn't have an actual ending, maybe like the expectation he carried.

He heard his brother coming this time, the wooden floor creaking under Sirius’s feet. Ciel sat with his mug in hand, now watching the other boy instead of looking outside, while Sirius settled beside him with whatever drink he’d grabbed, tapping at his phone screen. Neither said a word; Ciel just observed his twin in silence. Normally, Sirius would be rambling about some series or book, or anything really. But now he frowned in silence, focusing on the texts . Ciel gave him a minute—surely his brother would say what was bothering him soon enough.

After a minute or two , Sirius left his phone on the table with a sigh, passing a hand over his face. Ciel watched him, resting his head on his hand, elbow on the table.

“What happened?” Ciel asked, noticing how long his brother had been silent.

“I’m having a fight with Lizzie.”

Oh. Ciel hadn’t expected that.

Elizabeth—Lizzie—was Sirius’ fiancée. A bundle of joy, most of the time a little too much. As her future brother-in-law, Ciel rarely got much attention from her, and he was perfectly fine with that; she was intense.

But fights between her and his brother? Ciel didn’t think they happened. The girl always seemed genuinely overjoyed to be with Sirius.

“Why?”

Ciel asked, partly out of curiosity, partly because he wanted to be supportive… and maybe because he wanted to know the drama

“Lizzie thinks I don't love her, just because I don't jump when she appears. She feels like it's one-sided, in her own words. Like I'm not doing enough, or I’m too cold, or too independent. ”

Sirius started venting, this clearly stressing him. Ciel didn’t interrupt, sipping on his coffee and ignoring the small twinge he felt- it was probably empathy for the girl

“I don't even know what to do. I feel like she expects me to read her mind and do or say exactly what she dreams of. You know I try right?”

Sirius continued getting slightly more worked up. 

“Because I do try, but seemingly I'm still way under her romcom expectations. And that makes me a failure. Is that even fair?"

Ciel kept his expression calm, nodding softly when his brother asked.

“Maybe you aren't doing enough” 

He muttered sipping on his coffee, his twin’s expression falling in almost disbelief, Ciel knew he fucked up that second.

“Are you shitting me?? I'm not doing enough?”

Sirius snorted still surprised and slowly growing angrier

“Maybe not doing enough for her in the sense that maybe her needs are–”

Ciel tried to redirect what he had said seeing his brother getting more upset. 

“Her needs are her problem, I'm doing everything I can, I’m giving my best in this arrangement.”

“I’m not saying you aren't doing your best, just that… ”

Sirius threw his hands up frustrated not letting his brother finish

“Just that what? If my best isn't enough, then Lizzie should lower her expectations and calm down”

“Okay but it isn't as simple as that, Sirius, relationships come with expectations. She isn't wrong for wanting more.”

Ciel didn’t feel like he was defending Lizzie, or really trying to explain to Sirius it felt a bit personal.

“I don’t even know why I tell you, obviously you'll take her side. You are just as clingy as she is when someone doesn't answer you.”

“Excuse yourself? I’m not clingy, not like Lizzie”

Ciel felt his jaw fall; his brother was too dramatic and comparing him to her was a stretch.

“Whatever Ciel.”

Sirius finished the conversation, grabbing his mug with more strength than needed. He left, leaving Ciel with a bittersweet taste and a sense of unfairness.

The comparison was completely wrong. Ciel didn't lose his shit when he didn't get an answer, he was calm and collected and yes maybe he was a bit intense but he was normal about it.

Just then, Ciel’s phone rang. He went back to the kitchen to grab it. Sebastian.

He let it ring for a second before reacting.

“Hi.” Sebastian said as soon as Ciel picked up.

“Hey. You just got home?”

Ciel could hear movement in the background, probably Sebastian already at his apartment.

“Yeah. I stayed late helping a girl with her thesis, and then Claude came by, started rambling about some colleague he doesn’t like… and I lost track of time.”

Ciel heard Sebastian sigh softly as he settled down.

“Sorry I didn’t answer your texts.”

“It’s fine, Seb,” Ciel said, trying to sound calm, collected, as if he hadn’t been waiting all day for that reply.

“I wanted to hear your voice. Were you busy? Sorry if I interrupted anything,” Sebastian said, genuinely.

Ciel couldn’t help but smile.

“Nah, I was taking a break anyway.”

“Thats good, you always study too much anyway.”

Ciel rolled his eyes, he worked hard yes but he always had a lot to do.

“I don't study much, there's no such thing as studying too much.”

“As a professor I can tell you, we notice when you do too much. You go above and beyond.”

“Sure you do.” 

Ciel put the call on speaker and went to wash his mug. 

“Are you doing anything fun tonight?”

Sebastian asked. Ciel hummed and answered ,

“I supposedly was going to meet with Alois but I'm sure he ditched me for his new boyfriend”

Ciel lied, yes. Partially he had talked with Alois some days ago to meet up but they didn't actually make plans. But Sebastian didn't need to know that

“So you're free then?”

“Yeah, basically. Want to occupy my schedule?”

“You know I always want to. Wanna come over? I missed you this week”

Ciel smiled, he felt better now, lighter.

“Yeah, I'd like to. Do you want me to grab food on my way?”

“No, I want to cook for you. Just bring your pretty face. ”

“As you prefer Seb. I'll let you know when I reach your place.”

“I’ll wait for you”

They said their goodbyes and Ciel went straight to his bedroom, to go and grab a shower. 

Once he was done with said shower Ciel stood before his wardrobe thinking about what to wear. He could go for something comfortable or something casual but still better dressed? Like some jeans and a blouse.

He zoned out for a second or two, deciding finally on some wide grey jeans and a  black fitted mock neck tshirt with short sleeves. Something simple and casual enough. Sebastian had told him that he looked nice with a fit like this some time ago. But let's pretend it had nothing to do with what he chose today.  

He also grabbed a black sweater, even if he was tempted not to, so he could steal another one from Sebastian. Some black shoes, and a ring Sebastian had gifted him a while ago. Also he put on his eyepatch.

The boy grabbed a few things, his phone, charger, keys and whatever he thought he could need. He sent a quick message to let Sebastian know he was about to leave.

On his way out he bumped into his brother, who also seemed ready to go out.

“Do you need a ride?”

Sirius asked, Ciel could easily call a cab, and was a bit worried his brother was still mad at him for their earlier disagreement. His twin just rolled his eyes and fetched the car keys. 

“Ill give you a ride, i dont care lets go”

“Thanks”

They both reached the car. Ciel sat on the passenger seat, still not sure if he should say something since his brother still seemed slightly annoyed.

“I’m sorry for earlier. I do know you give your all for Lizzie. I just understand wanting something more and not really being able to say it.”

“It’s fine, it just stresses me out not knowing what to do.”

Ciel nodded understanding.

The rest of the car ride was in silence, both of them deep in their thoughts.

The ride to Sebastian's house took easily 25 minutes, he lived pretty much in the central part of the city, while the Phantomhive house was in a private neighborhood on the high-end west side of the city . Ciel was glad he could always call an uber or drive himself there. 

Once the twins arrived Ciel thanked his brother and stepped out the car, texting Sebastian

Ciel:

I’m here

Sebastian <3 : 

Come up

The door beeped and Ciel entered the hall, it was modern and clean, with marble white floors and an oddly placed stone elephant statue, that was… curious, being nice.

He ignored it and headed for the elevator. 

Inside he looked at himself in the mirror walls, fixing his hair a bit. 

He absently brushed the ring with his thumb, rolling it. After a bit he fixed the ring again, putting it at the base of the finger.

Ciel looked at himself in the mirror again, he looked nice, or he thought so. Hopefully Sebastian would also think so.

The elevator chimed and Ciel stepped out. The hallway was quiet. Familiar.

He walked to Sebastian's doors, and before he could even reach for the door, Sebastian opened it.

And smiled at him so brightly, and with so much affection it made Ciel feel funny

 “Hello”

“Hi there”

Sebastian let him in.

The older passed his arm around him. His hand found the small of his back.

Ciel scanned around, seeing the place was slightly messy, books thrown over the coffee table and a dirty mug of something Sebastian had drunk earlier.

“I thought you'd like to eat something light.” 

—

After the dinner was done both Ciel and Sebastian sat down to eat it.

The older told Ciel about his day, talking about his students, Claude and stuff. Ciel listened to him. Well , half of it. He couldn't help but think about the fight with his sibling. There wasn't a reason why, he just remembered it and couldn't help but wonder what Sebastian would say.

Well he kinda knew, Sebastian would say that Lizzie and Sirius should have a deep conversation, that Lizzie is irresponsible for not saying what she wants or needs clearly and upfront. 

“You aren't paying full attention to me.”

Sebastian waited for Ciel to answer with something other than a distracted “mhm.” When he didn’t, Sebastian softly nudged him. Ciel only shrugged, half apologetic.   

“sorry”

“Whats on your mind?”

Ciel took a second pushing his food around on his plate.

“I had a little clash with Sirius. He and Lizzie had a fight”

“They also have those?”

Sebastian looked at the other questioning. Ciel smiled and nodded

“I thought the same thing, but seemingly yes. Lizzie was protesting that he didn't love her enough, and Sirius thought she had impossible standards and that she wanted things that only happened in romcoms. ”

“Well that probably happens because they don't communicate properly.”

The younger one sighed and slightly rolled his eyes, not in a hateful way, more like I knew you'd say something like that.

“It isn't always easy to voice a need.” Ciel discussed

“Yeah sure, but it's impossible to read someone's mind. Not in this world during this time at least. So if Lizzie has a need she should try and actually tell Sirius. It's quite unfair to paint him as unloving just because he hasn't read her mind”

He stopped, softly frowning

“It isn't about reading the other mind, it's about caring enough to notice”

“Notice?”

“Yes, notice that you want something more, or even need reassurance. Show that you really care. ”

Sebastian stopped, thinking for a second grabbing his glass of wine.

“Sometimes it's hard to notice, people tend to overlook things, and that doesn't mean they don’t care or don’t love the other person,”

Ciel looked at him. He wanted to say that if you love enough, you know. 

That there are always signs and you just have to see.

“They are still young though, it’s normal for them to have these kinds of fights.”

Sebastian added, sipping his wine.

“They’ll learn to communicate. It’s not something magical that happens overnight.”

Ciel nodded faintly.

“I’m sure Lizzie will find a way to tell him what she needs. Directly. And Sirius will learn to listen without feeling attacked.”

“You sound really sure of yourself…”

Sebastian’s tone remained steady. “I do. I know first-hand these things settle. With time. With maturity.”

A small pause.

“With time, you stop questioning things that are already clear. At some point you just… trust that it’s there.”

Ciel’s fork slowed against his plate.

He nodded, almost automatically.

Sebastian sounded certain. Certain in a way that left no room for doubt.

Ciel felt a flicker of guilt at the thought that he still had some.

Not because anything was terribly wrong.

Not because Sebastian had failed him.

But because sometimes he still wished for things he had never quite asked for… and wasn’t sure he should have to.

“They have it extra hard though,” Ciel added lightly, as if nothing had shifted at all.

“How so?” 

Sebastian had his full attention on the younger one, his head softly leaning to the side listening intently.

“Well they never had what we had ,for example. They were always bound to marry, I believe it's hard to be friends with someone you'll marry without a choice.”

“Well yes, for sure. But I thought you three grew up together, in all those years Sirius didn't learn how to fulfill Lizzie's Disney princess dream?”

Ciel chuckled and shrugged softly. 

“Doesn’t seem like it. Maybe 7 year old Lizzie should have forced us to watch more princess movies.”

Sebastian laughed, nodding.

“Talking about movies, do you wanna watch something after we clean up?”

Sebastian asked finishing his glass of wine

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”

“The live action on how to train your dragon”

Ciel blinked. What?

“Sebastian you are 27” 

“So?”

Ciel sighed, how was his almost thirty year old boyfriend saying that he wanted to watch how to train your dragon.

“You are far from the intended audience"

“And? I watched the original when it first came out in theaters.”

“You also watched the dinosaurs go extinct.”

Sebastian chuckled. Only if he knew Ciel was actually serious.

“Fine, we can watch how to train your dragon live action”

Ciel sighed, and Sebastian was satisfied 

At night, while Sebastian slept deeply, Ciel was wide awake.

His mind kept circling the same thoughts, over and over, never settling.

He could still feel the lingering heat of Sebastian's naked skin. The elder's lips all over his body. His hands on his hips. It was all a reminiscence of what had just happened.

He couldn’t even shift, Sebastian had an arm wrapped securely around him, holding him close. Their legs tangled together under the blanket. But it felt wrong.

The evening had ended well. In an intimate moment.

And yet the words he hadn’t said sat heavy in his throat, they felt too close to vomit.

Maybe it was guilt.

Maybe it was the shame of not being entirely honest.

Sebastian had sounded so sure earlier. So secure. So safe.

And here Ciel was wanting more. Needing more.

Was that immature?

Did he still need to grow up and get a grip on his needs? 

He prided himself on being mature for his age. He always had.

But right now he felt nineteen in the worst way.

No. Facts. 

Ciel inhaled slowly, forcing his thoughts into neat lines instead of loose threads.

He owned a company he had built and expanded himself. He was (mostly) certain about his major in Business Administration. He had a partner he could picture beside him years from now.

Most nineteen-year-olds would want half of what he already had.

So why did it still feel… insufficient?

Why did something inside him remain unsettled?

What was he missing?

There was a sharp, almost obsessive urge to dissect it. To lay every doubt out in front of him like documents on a desk. To draw lines between questions and evidence until the pattern revealed itself.

There had to be a pattern.

There was always a reason.

And yet this felt like a sentence without an ending. A question mark suspended mid-air.

He wanted to get up. 

Not to leave, just to move. To check something. Anything.

The doors. The lights. The quiet of the hallway.

A familiar ritual. Something solid and practical to anchor himself to.

He wasn’t even home.

Still, the urge lingered.

Sebastian’s arm rested securely around him, warm and heavy.

Ciel sighed, the sound quiet but audible in the dark.

He could do so many things. He had closed contracts and exploited markets others had failed to touch.

But he couldn’t do this, settle for what he and Sebastian had. He ached for more, selfishly convinced it wasn’t enough.

He wanted to call Alois. Only because he knew the blond would tell him he was brilliant, that what he was feeling was justified.

Ha. Ciel was an asshole reaching out only when he wanted to be told he was right.

If it weren’t for his asthma, he was sure he would’ve craved a cigarette.

Ciel wondered while looking at the dark ceiling

Did he have any pills left? No. He didn’t.

He’d been off his treatment for months now. He should have stocked up, just in case.

Though this would be an incorrect use of his medication.

Did he have a therapy session this week? Or the next one?

Ciel didn't remember. 

And even if he did, he probably wouldn’t talk about this. The psychologist always dragged everything back to his parents. To being second choice. To not being his own person.

Ciel should change her. 

Anyway,

He shifted, turning to look at the other. 

He could really see a future with Sebastian. 

Ciel even had a perfect timeline, he would move out of the mansion, first to an apartment, he even knew which one he liked.

After he finished his degree they could get a place together. 

He saw himself in the future wearing a gold ring on his ring finger, one that legally bound Sebastian to him.

They could take time off work and travel the world like they always said they would.

But the yearning inside him made that perfect future blur at the edges.

He didn’t see it as clearly as he usually did.

He didn't know what to make of the situation. He hated not knowing what to do.

Hated feeling helpless.

Sometimes he wanted to leave, or pretend to, just to provoke a reaction. To see if Sebastian would fight for him.

But Ciel knew better.

Sebastian would let him go.

Not because he didn’t love him — but because love shouldn’t be tested.

Damn his older, emotionally intelligent boyfriend.

The future was far.

It always had been.

But before, it had a form. It had shape.

Now it felt blurred at the edges.

Maybe Ciel was the only one who could see it losing the color it once had.

Or maybe the love that had once blinded him was simply… clearing.

When Ciel woke up the next day, Sebastian was already awake.

Watching him.

“What are you looking at?”

Ciel asked, sleep still lingering in his eyes as he rubbed at them.

Sebastian just smiled wider.

“You look even younger when you sleep.”

“Does that turn you on?”

Ciel teased. It earned him a light hit on the shoulder, but he still smiled, letting his eyes fall shut again.

Sebastian’s hand moved to his hair, softly combing through the blue strands.

“I think I left a hickey too high up,” he murmured.

His hand drifted down from Ciel’s hair to his neck, settling over his pulse.

“I told you to be careful,”

 Ciel said, sighing softly, eyes still closed, trying not to shudder under the touch.

“I didn’t hear you complaining.”

Ciel scoffed, turning slightly.

When he opened his eyes again, Sebastian was still looking at him like that.

Soft. Steady.

For a moment, Ciel just held his gaze.

Maybe yesterday had been a little spiral.

Ciel tended to do that.

“You spent the night thinking,” Sebastian said.

Not quite a question.

“I was thinking about the future,” Ciel replied, maybe too quickly. “It’s going to be a long week at Funtom. The new line is being released.”

He added it as an afterthought. Like it explained everything.

Sebastian didn’t call him out.

He just looked at him.

Not “I know you are bullshitting me.”

Something quieter.

“I know that’s not all.”

A small hum left him as he reached up, cupping Ciel’s cheek. His thumb brushed gently beneath the scarred eye.

Ciel didn’t pull away.

He didn’t lean in either.

That eye had always been proof.

Of everything he had survived. Of how quickly he had been forced to grow.

Most people saw it and softened. Treated him like something fragile, something hardened too early.

Something older than he should be.

Sebastian didn’t.

Sebastian liked that eye.

Not for what it meant—

But because it was his most honest part. The one that belonged only to Ciel.

It had nothing to do with his company or his last name.

It was only his.

“I’m sure the releasing and Funtom as a whole can wait until Monday, love”

Sebastian said, shaking his head softly.

“I still have chocolate cake in the fridge.”

Sebastian added, as if he needed to give Ciel more reasons to stay.

Ciel would have stayed either way. It was hard for him not to. 

The mansion was dark and gloomy. And right now the apartment was warm and full of the morning light.

More often than not Ciel would bend under what Sebastian wanted

Ciel nodded, closing his eyes again. For a moment, under Sebastian's warm hand, the future ceased to be that uncertain blur of the early morning and regained its defined edges. 

He felt safe. 

He felt... normal.

“I’ll stay.”

Sebastian smiled and leaned to kiss his forehead.

Ask me to stay forever and i will

Ciel thought.

He was a weak, weak boy. 

So in love.

And in so much pain because of it. 

Ciel got back home still smelling Sebastian’s cologne and with the taste of the cake on his tongue.

But it was also followed by the soft, dreadful bitterness of the loop of nighttime thoughts.

And the undeniable feeling that the future he dreamed about during the day maybe wasn’t possible.

Not as he wished. Not as he had imagined, at the very least.

He was walking to his room when he saw his brother's door open. 

Ciel peeked, out of curiosity and his brother was there sitting on the bed, phone in hand.

“How was your night?”

Ciel asked entering the room, Sirius looked at him and sighed.

“Boring. Yours?”

“Normal I guess.”

Ciel went and lay down next to his sibling, his chest hitting the matress

“Did you talk with Lizzie?”

“Yeah but it didn't go really well. I'm gonna give her some space”

Sirius rubbed his temples. The other twin didn't push knowing better.

“You two look so gloomy and downn~, I'm gonna get depressed just looking at the both of you.”

That was Alois' voice; he could hear the smirk in his voice. 

“I have exactly what you both need.”

The blond continued, Ciel looked at him over his shoulder.

“Alois we won’t go out tonight”

“What? Why not??”

Alois threw himself over Ciel, and passed his arms around his neck, squishing him on the bed. The blue-haired guy just sighed and accepted his fate

“None of us are in the mood.”

Sirius tried, not even glancing at the “””affection”"" the blond was giving to the other

“But I have two free tickets and a table and free drinks, and it'll be funnnn.”

“We could enter anywhere we want for free.”

Ciel mumbled.

He didn’t want to go out. He didn’t find any of the whole nightclub scene enjoyable.

The people packed together on the dance floor.

The drunks.

The music…

Don’t get him started on the music.

And the worst part was the people who seemed to instantly become friends with everyone, or those who tried to flirt with anyone that moved.

Well it all goes back to the people, Ciel guessed.

The last time Ciel went out was with Alois. On the blonde's 16th birthday.

That night was basically cursed.

The group was big and full of preppy dudes.

And it isn't that Ciel didn't like everyone, he just disliked 85% of the group.

Ciel went home early that night. 

Alois had ditched him to go hook up with someone.

And some dude had thrown up on his shoes.

Ciel felt entitled to leave, so he did.

“Come onnn i swearr it'll be fun. And it’s been since forever since i last went out with my favorite Phantomhive twins”

“Alois, I don’t know.”

Sirius sighed again 

And Alois whined.

“Come onnnn i know you both are married and all, but even your own dad goes out sometimes.”

Both twins grimaced, a bit for the married comment, and partly because of the mention of their father.

Alois got up and looked at them more calmly, probably he had found the thing to convince them

“Look just for a few drinks, okay? And hey Sirius, weren’t you having some issues with Elizabeth? Well this is a way to distract yourself. Just pleaseeeeeeeee?”

Alois knew what cards to pull. Sirius nodded softly, clearly now thinking about it. 

Ciel just sighed.

He knew that Alois wasn’t going to stop.

… And maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be too bad, just for tonight. 

His brother did look miserable. 

At least the twins wouldn’t end up watching some stupid movie that they both hated and not in a fun way

“Fine, let's go out.” 

Alois smirked and almost jumped. 

“Great, amazing, I'll come pick you both up early. Be ready, i love you”

Sirius looked at the other surprised, he knew how much Ciel disliked going out

“Are you sure?”

“I’ll be just for a bit, and besides you need the distraction”

Sure.

Just for that.

Ciel looked at himself in the mirror. He looked acceptable.

 He was wearing a navy Dallas Cowboys football jersey, paired with baggy dark cargo jeans.

He wasn’t into football, but anything else from his closet felt too formal. 

He still had no idea what he’d say if someone started talking to him about football.

And he saw that his brother was wearing something similar so it was fine.

Ciel felt a bit regretful already. And he hadn’t left the house yet.

But he should do this for his brother.

And to humor Alois once a year.

This also could be a distraction for him too.

Like at the club he’d probably forget how Sebastian hadn't even asked how his algebra exam went on Wednesday,

Not like it matters really. Ciel was sure he had done well. 

He’d be fine. 

Just a few drinks, a few hours and he could get back home.

—

Okay… maybe Ciel could admit he wasn’t going to be completely fine

The arrival was what he expected

They got to the club “Underworld”

Ciel thought it was such an edgy and stupid name for a nightclub 

They had passed security quickly, Alois just showing his id and saying they were in the “list”.

It was okay.

But when they enter, oh god.

Even this early, the place was packed. 

The line outside stretched down the street, the music blasting so loud it rattled his chest, and he didn’t even need to pay attention to notice the vulgarities flying everywhere

Thankfully, the VIP section wasn’t as crowded. The three of them wove through the chaos to their table.

Ciel understood why people got drunk in places like this.

They were unbearable when you were sober.

“What are you two going to drink?”

Alois asked, throwing his arms over the twins’ shoulders.

Ciel thought for a moment. When he went out for drinks, he usually just ordered something fruity.

But he wasn’t really feeling that tonight.

“What are you drinking?”

Sirius asked Alois. The blond pretended to think.

“Maybe some shots of something.”

Both twins looked at him with completely unsurprised expressions.

Ciel considered it.

Hmm.

Whatever. It would be fine.

“Sure. I’m down for some shots too,” he said. “But make it worth it.”

“Yeeaaah, that’s what I’m talking about. You’re being oddly nice tonight, Ciel.”

Be thankful, Ciel thought.

It was true though. He was being unusually easygoing tonight.

Ciel looked away, looking around at the nightclub. He could see the dj booth, some random blond guy feeling himself up there. 

Ciel cringed hard honestly.

He then looked around, and caught a guy looking at him from the table with Alois’ friends. Ciel made a face that clearly said what are you looking at?, and the guy instead of looking ashamed after being caught smiled a bit more and turned with that lazy smile to look at his friend. 

Ew

Ew?

Alois grabbed Ciel's arm and he snapped out of it, looking now at the plate of shots. He also looked at his brother, seeing him settling with some sparkling drink. 

“Why did you order 10 shots?”

“Because one wasn't going to cut it, duh!” Alois was completely serious, he took two shots and extended one to Ciel. “Let us begin our journey”

Ciel wanted to ask, what journey, but decided against it.

Instead he took a deep breath and downed the shot

Gosh

It tasted bitter, and it burned his throat in such an uncomfortable way.

Did people actually like this?

Ciel turned and saw Alois drowning the second and third shot back to back. Okay maybe people did like it. Or Alois was fucking crazy

Both could be true.

Alois turned back to him with a bright smile “Your turn!”

“My turn? I’m sorry, but I don’t have whatever alcohol immunity you seem to possess.”

Ciel was slowly but surely regretting everything again. 

“Come on, don't be a party pooper! It’ll be fun to go toe to toe”

Ciel scoffed, that was a bad idea. The worst idea he had heard in a while actually. Still, he reached for the second shot.

His face scrunched automatically.

The second one was somehow worse.

He felt Alois handing him another shot, and he accepted it, drinking it without much more hesitation. 

Just these three shots and he'd pace the rest to keep up for the night. But maybe tipsy enough to ignore Alois friends.

Ciel lost count of how many shots he had downed. 

More than the initial five, for sure

Less than ten.

Probably. 

They had all moved away from the table, now standing on the dance floor.

Most of them were just talking.

Ciel could see Sirius with a better mood, talking with some other guy.

Ciel could also see Alois. He looked completely in his element. Chatty and joking.

Ciel almost felt something too much like care and affection for Alois.

Is this what alcohol does to a person?

Ew.

Speaking of ew, the same guy from before appeared next to Ciel, smiling at him again.

“Hi there.”

Ciel just nodded his way, still looking around 

“Dallas Cowboys?”

The guy asked. Ciel turned at him and took a whole three seconds to understand he was talking about his jersey.

“I don’t watch football”

Ciel forgot whatever excuse he had thought about beforehand. 

He felt slower. 

Maybe he had drunk more than ten.

The guy laughed and nodded.

“Yeah me neither, but wanted to make conversation”

Ciel wondered why the other thought he cared, why he wanted to make conversation at all.

“How do you know Alois?”

The guy tried, Ciel wanted to sigh but answered

“Childhood.” Ciel didn't want to ask. He really didn’t want to engage more. 

Yet he still asked

“You?”

“Uni. Well, a friend in common but a friend from uni.”

Ciel nodded again, looking away…

Was that-

For Christ's sake

Ciel was sure he saw Grell's bright, unmistakable red hair.

Maybe he was wrong. 

Hopefully

Ciel turned back to the guy. He was looking at him. 

“What?”

“Nothing. You pull it off, by the way. The jersey.”

Ciel stayed stunned.

“Um thanks. I just grabbed anything really”

“Well, it looks good on you.”

Ciel narrowed his eyes

Hmm 

Ciel felt it was kind of weird, but maybe this was just… part of nightlife

Whatever

“I’m Noah, by the way”

Ciel nodded. 

“Ciel”

“Yeah I know.”

“...Thats weird.”

Ciel said drily, Noah laughed not apologetic 

“Do you want a new drink?”

“I don’t feel like that’s a good idea”

Ciel might, only might, be a little drunk. And continuing to drink was surely not a good idea

….

But he could use another drink. 

Possibly

The music was still too loud, and now on the floor he felt like there were even more people.

The other guy seemed to read his mind, and said.

“I’ll get you a drink,” Noah said. “Don’t worry.”

Ciel sighed and leaned against the wall behind him. 

He could feel the music rattling the wall behind his back.

And the wall felt … cushioned?

Ha you couldn’t smash someone's head against the wall. 

Or you could. Just without actually hurting them.

Ciel opened his eyes again, not sure when he had closed them. 

Alois smiled and came to him, hugging the boy with blue hair.

“Mm get off, you’re hot.”

Ciel grumbled and Alois laughed

“Thanks babe.”

“Not like that, you whore.”

The blond said something else that Ciel didn’t catch.

Alois passed his phone to one of his friends.

“Ciel, smile. I need a picture for the record.”

Ciel did not move an inch, keeping a straight face. Their pictures were usually like that—Alois always hugging Ciel, and Ciel just there.

After a few seconds, Ciel moved to indulge him. He passed his arm around the other and brought him closer.

He needed a normal picture to post on the blond’s birthday.

Alois got his phone back, and they looked at the pictures.

They were… okay. As good as they could get in the middle of a nightclub when both of them were tipsy.

Alois grabbed him and kissed one of his cheeks, then walked away to another guy.

Ciel grimaced and wiped his cheek.

Brat.

“Wow ,you both are really close.”

Noah appeared again, a drink in each hand.

Ciel had actually thought the guy had left him alone.

He isn’t that lucky, is he?

“Alois doesn’t understand boundaries.”

Noah nodded ,laughing, passing him one of the glasses 

Inside was a drink fading from red to orange. It didn’t smell that strong and Ciel didn’t see anything weird that suggested the guy was trying to poison him

“What's this?”

“A tequila sunrise. It has tequila, orange juice, and grenadine.”

Ciel took one of the cherries decorating the cold glass. 

He bit into the fruit, and could taste the alcohol of the drink. It was good, sweeter than the shots.

He licked his lips, cleaning the remaining juice from the fruit.

He was so fixated on that, he ignored how Noah’s eyes followed the movement.

“Good?” Noah asked, smiling, already knowing that the answer was yes

“Yeah, what are you drinking?”

Ciel looked at the other drink in Noah’s hand 

“A vodka redbull”

“You’ll get a heart attack”

Ciel said dry and sincere. The other guy laughed again, and shrugged.

They spent some time talking, if you could even call it a conversation 

Before Ciel noticed, he had finished the drink.

And just then Ciel realized how close the other guy was. Ciel was still against the wall, and the guy was leaning towards him, a hand planted beside the blue haired head.

He also noted how hot it was inside, and how many people were around. Also how much louder the music felt.

And how dizzy he actually felt. 

“I need air”

Ciel didn’t hear what the other guy told him, walking past him and through the mass of people. 

He left the glass at some table and after a minute or two of squeezing through people he found the door that led into an outdoors patio. 

The cold hit him immediately, and he cursed softly.

But he felt better. All the locked up feeling washed away by the early morning air.

Ciel found a corner with no one in it and took a deep breath.

He could still hear the music but much more muffled.

Now that he thought about it, he was sure he saw Grell at the bar. 

The one night he wants to forget about Sebastian, he comes face to face with-

“Ciel?”

Any train of thought was cut short when he heard his name from someone familiar. 

He sighed and turned. Seeing Claude Faustus standing there. 

Sebastian’s “”best friend”” And coworker. 

Ciel despised him 

“Claude,”

He said in the most respectful tone he could, crossing his arms.

Claude took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket , placing one between his lips and extending the pack to Ciel, who shook his head

“I don’t smoke”

“And Sebastian told me you didn’t drink but here you are.”

Ciel scoffed, Claude just simply lit his cigarette.

What was that supposed to mean?

“Aren’t you a tad too old to be here?”

Claude took a slow drag of his cigarette, looking at Ciel unfazed.

“I’m surprised they let someone underage get so wasted.”

And Ciel scoffed now more annoyed

“I’m not that drunk.”

Claude snorted.

“Yeah, tell that to your slurred words.”

Ciel didn't answer him this time. It wasn't worth it. He just leaned back against the wall. 

If he closed his eyes he could feel the floor slightly moving. 

That was unsettling.

“Are you feeling bad?” Claude asked, still looking at him. Not out of concern. Don’t be fooled.

Ciel opened his eyes and gave him a side-eye.

“Yes, seeing your face made me sick.”

Claude rolled his eyes, taking another drag from his cigarette.

“Is Sebastian coming to pick you up?”

Ciel looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Why would he?”

“You’re alone and drunk at a bar, and you two have been together for what— a year? A year and a half? Seems like the kind of boyfriend thing Sebastian would handle.”

Claude exhaled, the smoke drifting away into the night.

“I came with friends. I’m going to leave with my friends,” Ciel said.

He hated the feeling that Claude actually knew about his relationship with Sebastian.

Like this was full confirmation that Sebastian talked about them with this guy.

Ciel disliked that. A lot.

He didn’t know what Sebastian had told Claude, or what he hadn’t told him.

Ciel took one last deep breath and headed for the door to go back inside.

But before he was far away Claude said

“Ciel, go back home. Save yourself the trouble”

Ciel scoffed, who was this guy believing he was.

He went back inside.

And he dreaded it. Inside was so, so hot and so full of people.

He had never pushed so many people aside before.

But he reached their VIP table and sat down. For the first time the whole night, he grabbed his phone.

There was the last message from Sebastian he hadn’t answered.

Sebastian <3:

Rest up.

I miss you <3 

Don’t stay the whole night just thinking.

Ciel hadn’t opened them either. He had just read them from the notification.

He was too drunk to feel guilty.

He’d deal with that tomorrow.

“Oh, there you are.”

Noah appeared again, smiling big and bright. Smugly.

“Hello.”

Ciel said, turning off his phone again and starting to shake his head as soon as he saw the drinks.

“No, Noah. I don’t want another drink.”

“Come on, you’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

Noah sat down beside him, a little too close, and left the fading orange-to-red drink in front of Ciel.

“Just this last one, I promise.”

Ciel had already decided not to drink anything more.

But he needed to wash away any thoughts of Sebastian.

And forget that Claude was somewhere in the club, probably judging.

“It’s a bad idea.”

Ciel tried again. Was he trying to convince Noah, or himself? Who knew.

“Yeah, probably. But are there any good ideas in the Underworld?”

Noah said, with that smug expression.

Ciel let out an airy laugh, almost like a huff.

He was tired, and he didn’t want to keep drinking.

But he was too far in now.

Too late to sober up.

In the end, it would all be the same.

It wasn’t like a single Tequila Sunrise could ruin him more than he already was.

“The last one. And that’s it.”

Ciel said, accepting Noah’s drink. Noah laughed, clearly satisfied.

“This is the last one. I promise.”

——————————————

Ciel thinks he had a good time.

Maybe Alois’s friends weren’t as bad.

And nightclubs could be enjoyable somehow.

And maybe Noah wasn’t such a bad guy. A bit weird, sure, but not bad.

After finishing his drink, Ciel felt fuzzy. Maybe that last Tequila Sunrise had been a bad idea.

“You know…” Noah started.

He was sitting so close Ciel could see how his green eyes had a bit of yellow in them. The guy had an arm over the back of the chair, leaning in and almost towering over Ciel.

“If you’re tired or just want to leave, I live just around the block,” he continued. 

“We could have our own fun…”

Oh.

Oh fuck.

“Oh, um. I’m not looking to hook up with anyone tonight.”

I also have a boyfriend.

But Ciel didn’t say that.

Blame the alcohol, or how much he relished the attention, but Ciel didn’t think that was an important thing for Noah to know.

It was bad that a guy was flirting with him.

It was worse that Ciel just let him.

But it was just flirting, and he doubted anyone would tell Sebastian about it. It didn’t matter.

Tomorrow Ciel wouldn’t even remember this guy’s name.

“Well, at least I shot my shot.”

Noah said, as if Ciel hadn’t rejected him.

Maybe Noah thought it meant not now.

Maybe Ciel didn’t care if Noah thought he had a chance in the future.

—

The rest of the night became pieces of memories.

He remembers Alois coming back and hugging him once again, crying about how glad he was that Ciel was his best friend.

He remembered Sirius appearing at some point, smelling like cigarettes.

But the last thing Ciel remembers clearly is the glowing sign of “Underworld” through the car window.

After that everything blurred.

He didn’t remember getting home.

Or how he managed to make it to his bed

When Ciel woke up the next day, he regretted that last tequila sunrise.

His head spun, and the thin light slipping through the curtains felt too bright.

He could hear the silence of the mansion.

Like the whole house was paused, the air pressing faintly against his ears.

Jesus fuck

Ciel wasn’t one to make those silly promises of "I'll never drink again.”

But he might reconsider tequila.

His mouth felt pasty. His brain banged against the skull.

Fucking christ

Ciel turned over in his bed, putting his head in between his pillows. 

His phone.

Where was his phone??

He had his phone at Underworld. The thing was, did he come back with it???

When he sat up, he quickly spotted his phone. 

He sighed in relief. Jesus, thank God he hadn’t lost it.

When he turned it on he had two notifications. 

One was from instagram.

NoahAshthron_ had started following you.

Ciel quickly dismissed the notification.

He didn't need him. 

And they'd never cross paths ever again.

Probably

The second notification was the one that worried him.

Sebastian <3:

Call me when you wake up.

Oh fuck

Fuck fuck

So obviously Claude had told Sebastian he’d seen him at the club.

What a nosy asshole. 

…

Now what?

Was Ciel really in the mood to talk to Sebastian right now?

The true answer was no.

Not with how terrible he felt.

Ciel was exhausted, his head still pounding.

But he felt guilty.

For not answering his text yesterday

For not telling him anything

For letting Noah get that close.

Ciel spent a beat looking at his phone. 

At the notification

He should call.

He should reach out.

Maybe Sebastian was worried.

Maybe even jealous.

Yeah sure

Ciel pressed the call button

Closing his eyes.

Maybe in hopes Sebastian won’t answer and he could go back to sleep

“Hi?”

Sebastian picked the call pretty quickly. Probably he was waiting for Ciel.

He sounded wide awake, like his day had started many many hours ago. 

Ciel definitely didn’t relate.

“Seb hi”

Ciel's voice was small and pretty rough. 

His mouth still felt dried.

“You just woke up? I’m not surprised.” Sebastian said, he sounded teasing. 

“Yeah, yeah.. I just woke up”

Ciel answered, eyes still closed

“Yeah, I expected so much. Claude told me he bumped into you last night.”

Ciel wanted to curse, but he felt too tired to do so

“And Grell told me she bumped into your brother”

“Yeah, I went out with Sirius and Alois"

There was a small pause.

“Was it fun?” 

Sebastian asked.

So casual. Like it was normal.

“I don’t know, I got wasted.”

“Yeah I know. Claude said that you looked… drunk”

Claude, of course.

Ciel sighed, rolling his eyes knowing Sebastian couldn’t see

“Yeah I expected that much.”

He waited for Sebastian to say something else. 

Something about Noah maybe

“You don’t go out like that.” Sebastian said, calmly, normal

Ciel just hummed as an answer 

“I’m glad you did.” Sebastian continued, "It's good that you went out.”

“Good?” Ciel asked, dumbfounded

“Yeah I mean, everyone went out and got wasted when they were nineteen.”

Ciel was silent completely 

Excuse him, what?

What was that even supposed to mean???

“Next time try to answer my text though. That’ll be nice”

“I’m sorry, I saw them and forgot about it. ”

Sebastian just chuckled 

“It’s fine, I didn't mind.”

Ciel hummed again. 

So nothing? 

“I know you are tired, I’ll let you rest. Drink water, have a shower, and rest. Don’t you dare open Funtom's email please.”

Sebastian said, with such a calm understanding voice.

Ciel wanted to scream.

More like he wanted to be shouted at. 

He needed to hear Sebastian ask what the hell was he thinking. Why he hadn’t said anything? 

But no. There was nothing.

Sebastian was calm and collected. 

Like he didn’t care

Ciel felt like he didn’t care.

Ciel let guilt eat him alive for nothing 

For absolutely nothing.

For Sebastian to not care. At all.

Ciel wanted to bang his head against the wall.

“I’ll rest up”

Ciel answered, hearing how quiet Sebastian was

“Really Ciel take a break”

“Don’t worry that much, I don’t think I can look at an excel for more than 30 seconds.”

Ciel said

Worry about last night. He wanted to add

He didn’t of course.

It felt wrong to tell Sebastian 

‘Hey can you care about this stupid thing I did ‘

“I’ll go now, I still stink of alcohol. Have a good day Sebastian”

Ciel said wanting to cut the call more than anything.

“Go do that. I love you”

Sebastian answered. Ciel could hear the smile on his lips.

But today it didn’t feel warm

It just felt like words

“Me too.”

And the call had ended. 

Just like that, Ciel felt worse than before he called 

___

A few hours later, he dragged himself into a shower

He felt hollow.

Now that the guilt didn’t have a reason to exist. 

He felt empty.

‘Everyone went out and got wasted when they were nineteen.’

Sebastian said that to reassure him.

But Ciel felt insulted

Like he was some clueless nineteen-year-old.

Please.

Christ, Ciel didn’t know what annoyed him more, being treated like a child or Sebastian being completely lukewarm about this all.

It felt frustrating how easy this all was for Sebastian. 

The blue haired boy wasted at least thirty minutes under the boiling water, going over the same thing again and again and again

When he was done his shoulders were red. 

But at least he didn't stink of the club. 

He’ll probably have to burn down the clothes he wore yesterday.

–

The rest of the Sunday was as dull as he felt.

His parents had taken a trip for the week, they’ll be back next Sunday.

So Ciel was left alone with his brothers and the family servants.

Basically alone.

The day was grey and a tad cold. 

A sad sunday. 

He spent the day lying down, watching some series mindlessly.

By the time it ended, he had already forgotten its name.

It was fine, it was all just to avoid the silence that haunted the halls. 

He was fine.

Maybe he was angry. Maybe because he expected something Sebastian had never been.

It was fine, he should have seen it coming.

Sebastian was mature. Independent.

Of course he expected the same from Ciel

Maybe it was Sebastian who expected too much from him.

Ha, yeah 

Putting the blame on Sebastian was better than to accept that he had expected jealousy from the older man. 

Or that Ciel thought

Ciel doesn’t know how he got to the next Sunday.

His week had been a pile of responsibilities

And this week was “Sebastianless”... 

Mostly.

He created excuses and more responsibilities just to not see Sebastian face to face.

Ciel was a coward. 

And he was hurt.

He needed to hide in a cave and lick his wounds before facing everything again.

Just for a week, Ciel let himself be selfish. 

For example

On Monday, he was on campus.

Mondays were bad. He had two four-hour classes back to back.

Sebastian sent him a message in the middle to ask if he had been able to grab something to eat. To know if he had time to take care of himself.

Ciel ignored that message, until he was finally home.

No, he hadn't eaten at the campus buffet. He hated that food. 

He would rather starve than eat anything from there.

Ciel just sent

Ciel:

Sorry, I saw the text late.

I waited to come home to eat. 

I wasn’t in the mood for bad food.

Sebastian replied quickly, probably expecting that answer from Ciel.

But Ciel had already put his phone away.

He had things that needed to get done…

Or so he told himself.

Wednesday, as another example 

Ciel was in his office at the headquarters. 

He had done so much already.

A meeting with the marketing department, a chain of at least fifteen emails with a stockist outside London

His brain felt ready to explode. 

But he kept working, he preferred for his eyes to hurt than to think about the other.

Ciel heard the special ringtone he had for Sebastian, and out of habit he took his phone. 

Sebastian <3:

I'm around your office

U still there?

Do you want me to pick you up and  go eat?

He had opened the message. He couldn’t just not respond.

So instead he answered 

Ciel:

I still have some work to do

Go home, I know you have to give a seminar tomorrow 

If it gets too late I'll order some food.

And he put his phone away.

He didn’t need to see Sebastian answer.

If Ciel closed his eyes, he could already hear it.

Okay, take care of yourself. Don’t keep your secretary too late. I love you.

By the time the clock struck six on Friday, Ciel had run out of corporate excuses to use.

Or any excuse he could make up about school.

Luckily he didn't need to create one himself.

Since their parents were away, Sirius had taken the liberty of inviting Sully and Alois over.

It was perfect.

Sully was a busy girl. She was always studying for exams, extra courses, anything to move ahead in school. They couldn’t see each other much.

Ciel was really proud of her, she had ambition and the brain to make them true.

So yes. Perfect excuse. Sully had come over and it had been a few months since they last saw each other.

So instead of getting ready to go to Sebastian's house, as usual. He stayed home, with his brother and his friends. 

With video games and some unreleased chocolate Ciel had taken from Funtom, to make the other three his unofficial testers.

They had chosen to play Mario Kart, even if they always ended up fighting, or at least pointing at each other as cheaters.

They were in the middle of Rainbow Road when Ciel's phone started to ring.

The instrumental of “Apocalypse” by Cigarettes After Sex softly filled the room. 

Such a contrast from the screaming match Alois and Sirius were having.

Ciel knew it was Sebastian. He didn’t have anyone else with that song. 

He only glanced at the phone before turning back to the tv.

Ciel knew Sebastian had already texted. He’d ignored it to throw Alois off the track.

He’ll answer later.

After this race

Or after the next one.

It was whatever, it was fine, it wasn’t-

“Aren’t you gonna answer?”

Sully asked. She was to his right on a single couch.

“After the race. You just wanna take my first place”

Ciel answered as if it didn’t matter.

Sully looked at him with a weird look.

“He already texted you twice, now called, next time he's gonna call the police”

Sully teased, her eyes back at the screen.

Ciel rolled his eyes and threw a banana at her in the game.

“HEY THATS NOT FAIR”

Sully said as her princess peach fell off the road

Sebastian texted again, Ciel could see from the corner of his eye how the screen lit up and then dimmed again. 

“How is Sebastian by the way?”

Alois asked. He had left his controller down in order to grab some snacks.

“I don’t know, I haven’t seen him in all week”

Ciel answered with a shrug leaning down against the couch

Since when did Alois care?.

“I thought you guys met up Wednesday? ” Sirius said, still fighting Sully for second place.

“No. I haven’t seen him all week”

Ciel repeated gripping his controller tighter. 

The words felt like poison in his throat. 

Why were they still talking about this

“That's so weird. Since you two started dating you always try to see each other at least once a week.”

Alois added grabbing back the controller 

“Are you keeping a record?”

Ciel asked, snapping at him with a scoff.

That made Alois turn to him.

The blond didn’t say anything else.

And that bothered Ciel more, since when Alois know when to shut the fuck up?

Ciel felt tense. Exposed.

“Are you seeing him any day this weekend ?”

Sully asked, looking at the screen.

“I don't think so. We have a meeting with some of the estate accountants.”

Ciel said, nodding at Sirius.

This meeting had been a bit last minute, and since Sirius was the firstborn it was his responsibility to take care of it. But Sirius had asked his brother if he could also join.

Sirius was good with people, Ciel with numbers.

They made a good team together.

“And he has plans at night with his group. And sunday we have that gala”

Ciel continued, sighing softly.

Normally he would have felt bad.

Now he just felt numb.

“So yeah, no Sebastian.”

He said feeling uncomfortable with the silence that settled in the room.

“Well, you've been busy all week.”

Sirius said, trying to cut a bit the tense atmosphere.

“But seriously it's so weird, like you couldn’t even grab a coffee?”

Alois said, mindlessly, fidgeting with the controller.

Ciel sighed loudly, pausing the game

“Can we change the subject? No, I didn't see Sebastian all week. Yes, it's weird, but we were busy. He has his own job, I have a whole line to release in a few weeks. I’m not free and that's it.”

The other three turned to him. Ciel wanted to snap back.

He sighed again.

Alois looked like a deer in headlights. But both Sirius and Sully seemed kinda… worried.

The rest of the night Ciel felt sour.

Why did they care so much? 

It was his relationship. He could handle it on his own.

They played more Mario Kart, and ordered some food.

And after eating, Ciel stepped outside.

The air was cold.

But the patio was perfect. The grass cut perfectly, and everything was so clean it barely looked used.

Ciel sat down on a chair. Sighing as he took his phone.

He saw the notification from Sebastian.

Three simple texts,

Sebastian <3:

My last class took longer than I thought.

Are you free tonight?

Lost call.

I guess you are busy.

Text me when you are free.

Ciel opened the text. Answering short and quick.

Ciel:

Sorry, Sully and Alois came over

I saw your text and got distracted and forgot.

Sorry again

He had already used the “I saw your text and forgot” many times already this week. 

But he didn't have energy to think of anything else.

Besides it wasn’t like Sebastian was going to push for a better answer

Ciel wrote I love you

But he didn’t send it

Ciel:

I’ll try and make it up for you

He put his phone away and looked up at the sky.

The air was really cold. 

But the moon shined so bright.

He heard the door behind him open.

And soon enough, Sully came to sit beside him.

She took a second, probably thinking.

“Are you okay?”

Sully asked.

Ciel sighed 

“I’m fine… annoyed by how much you guys keep bringing up Sebastian.”

He said trying to keep it simple. 

But it bothered him more than he wanted to admit.

She nodded softly

“I’m sorry. I can assure you none of us wanted to push you… It’s just..”

Sully took another second. Trying to find the words.

“You seem happy when you talk about him”

Ciel turned to her.

Oh.

So it showed

Damn

“You always seem happy when you talk about him, even when you were sixteen. I couldn’t understand how you found someone older so interesting.”

Sully continued, looking at him.

“We like seeing you happy.”

Ciel sighed again, looking back at the moon

“I know… It’s just been a weird week.”