Chapter Text
Saitama jumped from the sound of something hitting the ground beside him. The room came back into focus as he finally looked away from his laptop, searching for the source. A spray bottle was scooped up by a metal hand and placed back on the table, the android seemingly unperturbed by the clatter. Or any of the other madness that had apparently been happening around Saitama in the last fifteen minutes, unnoticed while he continued his search for a good enough part time gig for cash.
“Uh… robot guy? A whatever? Why… what?” Saitama wasn’t sure how to phrase his question exactly. Or what his name was again.
The blond android paused in his action, turning stiffly to face his new master. “I have determined that the best way to assist with housekeeping is to first establish the current stock of cleaning products and their accessories in your possession. By cross-referencing their quality and amount, I can better develop a prime pathing algorithm-“
“Shorter,” Saitama interrupted. He was starting to get a headache from the slowly growing harsh smell.
“I have brought out every item you own that is related to cleaning to assess what you have and determine the most efficient way to use them.”
Saitama diverted his gaze back down to where his low table was meant to be. Though that would be a bit disingenuous, he could see the wood through some of the bottles and under his laptop still open in front of him. The rest, however, was absolutely covered in containers of chemicals, rags, sponges, gloves, and anything else he either knew or forgotten he had. While it wasn’t as bad as he thought it’d be, he had to cringe at some of the repeat items laid bare in front of him. ‘Wait, why do I have four pairs of gloves? And where did he find those extra sponges?’ He raised his eyebrows in surprise, somewhat happy to see his shrinking mental shopping checklist but still irritated at the redundancy. Clearly, he needed to take better stock of his inventory. A blatant display of how lazy he’d gotten lately.
“How… does seeing all this stuff in one place help with that?”
“I have already scanned the entirety of your dwelling unit and have calculated the amount of surface area that will need regular cleaning, categorized by material such as laminate counters, porcelain fixtures, and glass surfaces. I will now input the total amount of each cleaning product and cross-reference against recommended manufacturer data on application amount per area to determine the optimal amount for usage. This will also give me the ability to notify you when your supply runs low so that more can be purchased before the supply runs out. I will then store these items either where they were originally or in a more suitable location to prevent potential off-gassing and protection for future guests,” AG-UN05 replied with almost a tone of mirth.
Saitama just stared blankly again, having zoned out halfway through the spiel. This seemed like robot stuff, so he figured it was just best to let the guy do what he wanted. He gave AG a halfhearted wave, allowing the android to continue on with his work. He had more important things to do.
Until he looked up to see AG about to use one of his discount floral dishrags on the patio door.
…[Master: “No, don’t use that! That’s for dishes. These are for wiping the windows.”]
…[analyzing fabric material…]
……[analysis complete]
…[adjusting HOUSEKEEPER.PROTOCOL.ai prototypical subfunctions…]
……[HOUSEKEEPER.PROTOCOL.ai system updated]
………[update requires full reboot: current status set to auto update upon sleep-mode]
…[response processed: “Understood.”]
AG-UN05 placed the glass cleaner on the floor and turned back to the low table, collecting a stack of similarly decorated cloths to add to the one in his hand. He marched back into the kitchen and placed them gingerly on the counter before returning to the main room. He scooped up one of the dingier rags and took back his spray bottle in hand. He glanced down at Saitama, who was still watching him go about this task.
As he began spraying down the door, Saitama leapt forward again.
…[Master: “Woah, hold on! That’s way too much! The window isn’t even that dirty!”]
…[response processed: “The recommended use per the instructions-“]
…[Master: “Yeah, I know what the bottle says but it’s wrong. They just want you to use a lot so you buy more. You only need to use like… maybe half of what they say.”]
…[response processed: “Based on the low percentage of chemical compounds in this particular formula-“]
…[Master: “I know! I know… look, I’ve been cleaning this place for years. You’re just going to have to trust me.”]
…[adjusting HOUSEKEEPER.PROTOCOL.ai prototypical subfunctions…]
……[HOUSEKEEPER.PROTOCOL.ai system updated]
………[update requires full reboot: current status set to auto update upon sleep-mode]
…[response processed: “I have overridden the recommended method with your personal preference. It is my duty to make sure chores are done in an acceptable manner to you.”]
Saitama seemed content with the answer, so he turned back to his laptop and continued scrolling. The android’s gaze returned to the glass surface, the high concentration of liquid now streaking down the door. The heavier droplets bumped into others on the way down, pooling together as gravity continued their journey in a race to the bottom. The incoming light wavered on the floor from diffraction, casting illusions across the space.
…[searching database on window cleaner chemical formula…]
……[result: water, butoxyethanol, ethanol, ammonium hydroxide, isopropanol, sodium lauryl sulfate, butanol, diethyl phthalate, geraniol]
…[searching database on alternative window cleaner chemical formula…]
……[result: 1045 results for alternative window cleaner chemical formula]
…[response processed: “Master, if your concern is in regards to the cost ratio of cleaning solution to surface area usage, then perhaps using a homemade formula may be an acceptable alternative.”]
…[Master: “Homemade? Like I make my own window cleaner?”]
…[response processed: “Some alternatives available are as simple as water and white vinegar, with others increasing in complexity depending on the level of cleanliness needed.”]
…[Master: “Woah, I never thought of that. I’ll look it up. Good job.”]
…[WARNING: unregulated BIO.BRAIN processes detected: increased levels of dopamine]
……[BIO.BRAIN dopamine levels within higher acceptable range: continue to monitor]
Saitama had become terribly distracted from his job search. He now had over thirty tabs open researching various ways to make his own cleaners, the cost of the ingredients, and upcoming deals at various stores on said products. AG sat by his side, giving notes on cost per unit, distance needed to travel to each store, and whether any of the information given by these DIY recipes was actually reliable.
“Eh? But then if we get this too, that’s even more stuff to put in the cabinets. I only have so much storage.”
“There are options on further optimizing your space for more storage if that is considered a higher priority for you. Some possible options include a cabinet system that can be mounted above the toilet in the bathroom, or thin-style cabinets along the wall there under the kitchen window,” AG announced with purpose, gesturing to the wall in front of them.
“Nah, I don’t really want to buy more stuff, I don’t really have the funds… I’m supposed to be looking for a job!” Saitama tabbed back to the job board in a panic, refreshing the page and watching many of the listings disappear. He groaned dramatically, planting his hands on his face and dragging the skin down in frustration. He began scrolling desperately, scanning over what still remained to assess the damage of their unintended journey.
AG-UN05 rose from his spot, determining it best to leave his master to his devices and continue on with his abandoned tasks. He finished cleaning the partially cleaned glass doors and combined the multitude of half-used bottles into just two, tossing the empties into the trash. Going by the same logic as the dishrags, he figured out which cloth would be most ideal to use to clean the kitchen counters. He retrieved the dish soap from the table, placing the partially used one on the sink and the full bottle underneath. He turned on the water to a scalding heat and began scrubbing the various dirty utensils with a fresh sponge. The old one was also tossed, since its germ count was far too high to be used for any further sanitation.
“Hey, don’t let the water run at full blast like that. It’s a waste,” Saitama called out from the other room. AG-UN05 immediately acknowledged the statement, lowering the water pressure to a much gentler flow. He began stacking the wet dishes into the drying rack as he went, the tiny clink of porcelain and plastic barely audible over the dull drum of the water hitting the basin of the sink. Just as he turned off the faucet, he jumped from the sight of Saitama leaning casually on the sill of the kitchen window.
“Those’ll never get dry stacked like that,” Saitama motioned toward the haphazard tower of plates and bowls.
“I was planning to dry them manually before storing them away. That is only a temporary location.”
“Well, be careful. Don’t let them fall.”
“Of course, master,” AG replied, picking up one of the bowls from the stack. As if to mock him, the other bowls and cups began to slip sideways, headed for inevitable doom. He reached out quickly, securing the pile as best he could in his arms to prevent any damage. This just left him in the predicament that he could no longer move or else something would fall and shatter.
…[calculating optimal placement of objects…]
……[error: no path detected]
…[calculating path with minimal damage…]
Saitama did his best to suppress the building laughter but couldn’t help when light snicker still escaped his grasp. He lifted himself from his lax lean and meandered into the kitchen to assist. He reached over and grabbed a few of the more precarious dishes from the mound, placing them down on the far side of the counter until the android could finally relax his death grip and stand back up to full height.
“See, I told you they would fall.”
“My apologies, master. I miscalculated the friction coefficient on your-“
“Dude. Stop. It’s no big deal. Nothing fell, so it worked out,” Saitama tried to wave away the incoming speech he knew was brewing. This android was proving particularly predictable.
“Only by your intervention. My purpose is to make your life more convenient with my inclusion, but so far, I have failed in my duties,” AG’s head sank low, his shoulders slumped in apparent misery. Saitama was fairly surprised by the display, especially the deep creases appearing in his furrowed brow and narrowing gaze. The android really did look legitimately sad. Which just made this blatant overreaction even more bizarre.
“Look, you haven’t “failed” anything. You cleaned a door and washed some dishes, that’s all,” Saitama spoke with a mixture of scolding and encouragement, his voice coming out gruffer than he intended. He sighed, trying to calm himself before continuing, “I’m not expecting you to get this stuff right the first time. Everyone is different, so I don’t think whatever program they loaded you up with is going to mesh with a lot of people. You’re supposed to learn how I like to do things, right? So, I’ll show you the ropes the first few times to get you started. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself, you’re doing fine.”
As Saitama gave the depressed robot a pat on the shoulder, AG slowly raised his head until he was looking back into his master’s gaze. He wasn’t exactly sure what the android was thinking, but it was clearly something if the long stretch of silence was any indication. The intense stare was starting to get to him, so he took a step back and rubbed his neck to dispel the tension now seeping into his muscles.
“A-anyway, just let me know what else you want to do, and I’ll just… supervise or whatever,” Saitama mumbled. The realization of exactly what he’d just promised sunk in. This guy really was proving to be rather troublesome.
“My housekeeping list of open items still includes drying and storing the remaining dishes, organizing all food-related items while recording expiration dates, cataloging all articles of clothing based on level of wear and age, cleaning all surfaces located in the bathroom, sweeping and mopping the wood floors, creating a list of remaining personal belongings-“
Saitama wasn’t sure this was still worth it.