Work Text:
*somewhere in the noosphere*
Greetings I am the fool and today we see the two faiths, of Mekhane and Yaldabaoth, of cold apathy, and indulgent desire!
Robert: Ugh where am I....
Hedvig: I already ran the scans. We appear to be in some sort of dining location. It's probs
anomalous :D
Trunnion: Great. Not only am I in some anomaly I'm also here with you. Just don't break anything with your huge wings.
Robert: Huh. We have dresses on. Well I'm sure this is just another trial from Mekhane! Either that or a vision. So let us await instructions.
Fool: And now onto the other team~:
lon: I can smell someone observing us.
Saarn: Me too... This feels strange but it doesn't seem like we're in danger
Lovaatar: Well let's see what this is about...
Both parties reach for the instruction sheet:
"Dear holy ones. Due to the laws of chaos you're going to have to serve humanity... But in a maid café. Each team is given their own and they have a weekend to make it thrive. Whoever does the best shall be freed.. the other... Who knows? Maybe eternal torment nexus?
-the fool"
lon: Well. This is ominous. But we'll probably be fine... Depending who our rivals are.
The fool: Oh your rivals are the Mekhanite leaders
Saarn: Okay we definitely got this >:D
Lovaatar: ...So... Let's begin this weird adventure...~
Meanwhile on the other side:
Trunnion: Hedwig stop sitting on your phone!
Hedwig: Fuuucc I don't have connection to my drones... I also can approximate location.... Chat we're so cooked.
Robert: *sits in a corner praying for Mekhane's mercy and trembling* no... Eternal damnation... Please no??! Is this a punishment, was I bad???
Trunnion: Ugh enough you two! You need to study our clockwork orthodoxy work ethic!
Instead you're doing... Something while Bumaro is having a mental breakdown.
*suddenly a bell rings. Both parties know what it means. The trial has begun*
Trunnion: Hedvig! You hoard information so you go cook. You have all the recipes up there anyway!
Bumaro!
...yes?
Trunnion: You go serve the customers. Huh what's that?
Bumaro: An automaton meant to help deliver dishes...
Trunnion: good. But we don't have time to make more. Now get up and to work! To work! To work!
I'll oversee the situation.
Fool: A while has passed... Let's see how our contestants are doing~
Customer: oh I see and what's the meat?
lon: oh the meat is ours!
Customer: Yeah but what animal is it from?
lon: I already told you... Us!
Uh.. anyways would you like me to draw a heart on your flesh omelette? I'll just pin it down so it stops moving!
*ketchup spurts*
Customer: ... it's anatomically accurate...
lon: sweats nervously (oh god I forgot most people are late to acknowledge our sarkic tastes oh no...)
Customer: This is so good! And the smell is amazing too! What's the secret?
Ion: Uh... It's a family recipe.... I won't tell~
Meanwhile on the robot side:
Robert: Welcome to our church- I mean café!
I hope our dishes will purify your heart and soul!
Customer: Oh... You're so cute... Can I take a picture? And this hair is real? How do you keep it so long?
Bumaro: Oh... Okay... (turns out I may have some sort of charisma? Either that or I attract fanatical people)
Customer: Say cheese!
Customer: what are those numbers on my omelette?
Bumaro: Oh it's scripture numbers! I believe they can make your day better!
Customer: ...I... See....
Bumaro: well enjoy your meal! *walks away*
Customer: ugh the maid is nice but the food is so metallic... Is that a circuit???
Fool: Well as you can see both teams have their differences but overall it's a tie in service quality!
Now...
Bumaro: (Presses self against window) Wait is that...??? Ion... He's here too? I can hear Mekhane saying this is my chance.... I may be weaponless but still... Such an opportunity is priceless!
Trunnion and Hedwig don't notice him leaving as they argue about the dirty dishes...
...
Saarn: Fuck we ran out of ingredients....
Lovaatar: How so? I've been making everything from my own...
Saarn: No it's a code word. It means I have a plan. We sabotage the other café.
Lovaatar: Uh okay but do you think Ion can handle doing everything himself?
Saarn: It's just a few minutes we'll be right back
Lovaatar: Fine then, I already said I'm fine with cheating, gotta keep my word...
...
Fool: Huh I didn't predict that~
...
Ion: Sir I'll draw a realistic heart on your omelette I just have to pin it down so it stops moving...
Customer: Uh...
Ion: Yes?
Customer: Behind you!
Ion: Blocks the kick. Bumaro?! What on earth are you doing? Breaking the rules too huh~
Bumaro: I shall rid the earth of your disgusting fleshy taint on the human souls, and if I do it whilst wearing a maid outfit then so be it!
Ion unfurled tentacles and grabbed an empty tray before flinging it at the robot.
Bumaro almost got cut with it but instead he dashed forward and bit Ion's throat with his sharp teeth while impaling his claws.
Ion grabbed his white hair and pulled the zealot onto the floor.
As he already began wrapping his tentacles around his victim he suddenly got... Spit at?
...the clockwork plague! Ow ow why must even your spit be like that!
This gave a moment for Bumaro to get up and they began grappling on the floor when suddenly...
Both: Oh. The customers!
Customer sitting at the table they were standing on:
...
Uogghhh this is peak! Combat maids! Fight fight fight!!!
Bumaro: It seems they think it's all a
performance.... Good for you huh?
Ion: I guess so! Now go back to your metal mommy! *Grabs Bumaro by his neck with a tentacle*
Bumaro's weight collapses the table and as the fight continues, with clothes getting ripped and wounds being dealt-
Suddenly everything goes black.
...
The fool: Hahahaha! I haven't witnessed such entertainment in eons!
I declare a tie! *Snaps his fingers*
Trunnion, Hedwig, Lovaatar and Saarn appear.
Trunnion: Bumaro you were supposed to serve customers what on earth were you doing??
Hedvig: Judging by their compromising position and elevated breathing I say 88% probability of old man yaoi.
Trunnion: a what- nevermind not even gonna ask.
Lovaatar: Well goodbye metal ones~ I'm glad we got to face eachother somewhere else than the battlefield!
Saarn: ...Great. We were winning beforehand and now they go back home too. Ugh. We could have had it so good.
Fool: Anyways bye
*Everyone gets teleported back to their world*
The end.