Chapter Text
Olivia Benson and David Haden were having a drink together, celebrating the promotion he’d just received. But from the moment they made their plans to meet at the bar, they both understood there was a difficult but necessary conversation they’d need to have to discuss the status and the future of their relationship, a relationship that had been greatly tested over the last few days.
After congratulations and a few moments of forced lightness, Olivia began the talk that neither truly wanted to address.
“Where does that leave us?” Olivia asked David, unsure she wanted to hear his answer.
“In conflict,” David said. “I’m going to be looking at the cases you handled.”
It was a reality she understood from the moment Cragen dropped the news on her in his office right before she left the precinct. “And we never disclosed,” she said.
“That means...I’d have to resign.”
Olivia knew how much David enjoyed and valued his job. This new task was a big deal, and he couldn’t turn down this opportunity. “Well that’s ridiculous. You can’t do that. It’s what you live for.”
“Says who?” David asked.
“Says you,” she quickly countered. “The first time you walked into our squad room.”
“I’d be assigned to your cases,” he said softly, almost in disbelief. He finally looked back toward her for a moment. “You know that-that means we...”
“I know,” Olivia tearfully interrupted him. “Us, this, never happened.”
[][][][][]
Five weeks later…
Olivia flushed the toilet and wiped her mouth, settling on the floor and leaning against the bathroom counter. For the fifth morning in a row, she’d woken at 6am and rushed to the bathroom where she’d spent several minutes emptying her already empty stomach.
She knew what this was. As much as she wanted to remain in denial, there was no looking the other way or pretending what was happening wasn’t really happening.
Olivia Benson was pregnant with David Haden’s baby.
Although deep down, she was sure of her current predicament, she needed to be certain, needed a concrete answer, so she opened her cabinet and reached to the back where she kept a stash of pregnancy tests. After double-checking the expiration date, needing to be confident there would be no error in the result, she quickly took the test before resuming her spot on the floor.
Waiting.
Time seemed to creep by. Every time she looked down at the timer on her phone, only a few seconds had passed, until finally, three minutes were up.
Olivia felt herself becoming nauseous again, only this time, it was due to the nervousness of reading the test results. She covered her mouth with her hand as she attempted to settle herself, reaching over her head and grasping the test. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and looked down at the little device in her lap.
Positive.
Olivia blew out the breath she’d been holding since reaching for the test, and unexpectedly tears formed in her eyes as a million different emotions coursed through her. She’d dreamt of being a mother for awhile now. When the adoption agency turned her down, she’d feared she’d never have a child, but Elliot vowed to help her in any way he could, having a faith in her that she wasn’t sure she had in herself.
Elliot.
Her tears began to fall as her thoughts drifted to him. Elliot would know what to do, how to encourage her, to help her, to settle her. But he’d been gone for months now, and when he didn’t return her calls and retired without telling her, she’d decided she’d probably never see him again.
There were days the missing him threatened to overwhelm her, but gradually she’d become more able to function without him beside her. Life would never be the same, and neither would her heart, but Elliot hadn’t given her a choice and she’d been forced to find a way to live without him.
Now, she had a new life to focus on.
Olivia’s hand drifted to her stomach. There hadn’t been any physical changes to her body yet, but she already felt a deep connection with the little one resting just below her hand.
“Hi baby,” she said tearfully. “I wasn’t expecting you, but I’m so happy you’re here. I’m really new at this, but I’m going to do everything I can to be the best mom I possibly can for you. We’ll figure this out together, ok? I love you. So much.”
Closing her eyes, she allowed a few more tears to fall as she grappled with this news. There were so many factors triggering different feelings about this pregnancy. She and David weren’t together anymore. He’d chosen a new job over their relationship, and because they’d never disclosed, no one could know about them or his new job would be in jeopardy.
On the other hand, David was a good man, a good father, and despite his divorce, he’d maintained a civil relationship with his ex-wife and an extremely close relationship with his children. But because of his job and their decision to not acknowledge that their relationship even happened, she assumed he would probably choose not to be involved with this baby. She knew she’d be moving forward alone, but somehow, she’d figure it out.
Most of all, Olivia had wanted a family, and although this was extremely unplanned, having a child was a dream come true, a dream she’d convinced herself would never come to fruition. But if this was the way her life was leading her to have a family, she’d embrace it and raise this little one on her own.
She ran her hands over her stomach, gently and reverently. “It’s just you and me, but we’re going to have a good life together. I promise.”
[][][][][]
Olivia took a few days off of work, which was very out of character for her, and she knew it worried her captain, but she needed the time to figure this out, to decide how she wanted to move forward with this. From the moment she saw the positive pregnancy test, she knew she was keeping this baby, but she needed to figure out if and how she’d tell David, how to tell Cragen and the squad, and how much information she’d actually give them about the baby’s father.
Deep down, Olivia knew she couldn’t keep this news from David. As his new position was beginning, he’d be working with her unit, so there was no way he wouldn’t figure it out. After seeing her doctor to confirm the pregnancy, on her last day off of work, she texted David, asking if he would come by her place after work, and that she had something very important to discuss with him. Unsurprisingly, he immediately agreed, and a few hours later, she was meeting him at her front door.
“Is everything ok?” David asked. “I was surprised at your text.”
His blue eyes held concern, and Olivia was suddenly more nervous for this conversation than she had been. But it was time to speak the words out loud.
“I’m ok. There’s just something really important that we need to talk about, and I felt it was better for us to have this conversation in person.” She reached for his hand, leading him to her couch.
They settled next to each other, and Olivia stared at her hands, wringing them together as she tried to find the words that would turn David’s world completely upside-down. “David, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. A couple of days ago, I…I found out that I’m pregnant.”
David froze for a moment, speechless as a look of extreme shock crossed his face. “You’re pregnant? You’re kidding.”
Olivia shook her head. “No. I’m not. Doctor confirmed everything.”
David leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as his hands covered his face. Olivia watched him, her nervousness growing by the moment. She’d known he would be surprised, known he wouldn’t be jumping for joy, but his silence was hard to watch. So she just sat quietly, waiting for her news to sink in.
David released a big breath he’d clearly been holding in for awhile before leaning back against the couch, closing his eyes for a moment. Finally, he turned back to Olivia, almost as if he’d forgotten she was there, so wrapped up in this life-changing news. He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “You’re keeping it?”
Olivia nodded. “Yeah. I’m keeping it,” she replied.
“Should we get married or something?”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “What is this, the 1950s? We’re not even together anymore, so we’re definitely not getting married.”
David shook his head, seemingly embarrassed at the question he’d asked. “You’re right, you’re right. I’m just…still processing.” He hesitantly moved a little closer to her. “Can I hug you?”
She nodded wordlessly and allowed David to slip his arms around her, pulling her close.
“It’s going to be ok,” he said quietly into her ear. “We’ll figure out how to make this work. I’ll be here for all of it.”
Shrugging herself out of his embrace, Olivia stood up, taking a few steps away from him as she said, “I don’t expect anything from you, David. We aren’t together, and we weren’t planning for this, and you shouldn’t have to be involved. I won’t tell my captain that the baby is yours, and your job won’t be in jeopardy, and everything will be fine.”
He followed her, gently grasping her arm and pulling her back to him as his hand cradled her cheek. “We’re in this together, Liv. I still care about you, and I care about this baby, and we’ll figure out how to do this.”
Hisother hand slid to cover her abdomen. “I’m shocked, but I’m happy about this, and I will be here with you every step of the way.”
Tears came to Olivia’s eyes. She was floored that he actually wanted to be involved, that he was happy about this.
“I don’t…I don’t know how to do this,” she confessed tearfully.
David shrugged. “I don’t either, but we don’t have to figure it all out tonight. Can I just…sit with you for a little while? Please?”
The sincerity in David’s eyes caused the tears in her own to finally fall. Although she’d worked to let go of her feelings for him, she hadn’t realized how scared she was to be embarking on this journey alone, so it felt good to know that someone would be next to her, helping her, sharing the responsibility with her, so she wordlessly agreed to let him stay for a little while, just for a little while.
David took her hand, leading her back over to the couch and pulling her down next to him. Olivia tucked herself against his side and allowed him to hold her. His hands drifted up and down her back, and she closed her eyes, letting herself enjoy the feeling of safety and care his embrace had always given her.
This would be hard, but somehow, they’d figure out a way to be the best parents they possibly could for this baby.
[][][][][]
Olivia arrived to work early the next day. After talking with David, they agreed she’d go on light duty now, making sure she was taking care of herself and the baby. With her being a little older, she wanted to make sure she was safe and that her baby was safe.
The first step? Notifying her captain.
It would be a hard conversation, and she struggled with how much information to give him. Although she hadn’t got public with their relationship, Cragen had figured out that something was going on between her and the EADA; she could tell when he shared the news that David would be looking at SVU’s cases. She knew he would assume her baby’s paternity, and she wasn’t sure she’d tell him otherwise.
“Captain, can we talk for a moment?” she asked, poking her head into his office.
He smiled up at her from behind his desk. “Of course. Come on in, Liv.”
She entered the office, closing the door behind her. “Must be serious,” Cragen said when the door closed.
“It is,” she said, uncomfortably shifting her weight between her feet. As nervous as she’d felt telling David, saying the words out loud to her captain and friend sent her nerves through the roof. She was worried about how he’d react, how he’d judge her.
“I know you’re not going to be able to keep this to yourself for long, but I needed you to know right away. I…Captain, I’m pregnant.”
She closed her eyes, bracing herself for his reaction. When she finally opened them, she watched his look of surprise transform into a huge smile. “I’m really happy for you, Olivia,” he said, getting up from his desk to come over and give her a hug. She leaned into his embrace, relieved that his reaction was a positive one.
“Thank you,” she said, tears forming in her eyes already. “This is very unexpected, very unplanned, but I…”
“You’ve wanted this,” he finished for her.
Olivia nodded her agreement. “I have. I just didn’t think it would happen quite like this.”
“The father?” Cragen cautiously pressed.
She shook her head. “We’re not together. He says he wants to be involved, but we’re keeping things quiet. I will primarily be doing this on my own.”
He took both of her hands in his, squeezing them gently, and his face displayed a look of sad understanding. “I’m sorry, Olivia. I know things between you and Haden ended because of his new job, but I could tell that you really cared about him.”
The acknowledgement that David was the baby’s father caused Olivia’s tears to finally fall. “It was never going to last anyway. But he says he wants to help out, but we have to be careful. I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but I knew you would figure it out.”
Cragen gave her a small smile. “There’s a roomful of detectives out there that are going to have their own assumptions, so prepare yourself for that. Liv, if we’re going to call this an official notification, I’m going to have to put you on light duty, and they’re going to need to know.”
“I know. I figured I’d need to tell them, but I wanted you to know first.”
He squeezed her hands again. “I appreciate that. Also, I just want you to know, I’m here for you, for whatever you need.”
“Thank you, Captain.”
“This is more than just as your captain,” he said, and Olivia could see tears forming in his eyes and his attempt to prevent them from slipping out. “You know you’re like the daughter I never had, and if you’ll have me, I would really like to be involved. This little one needs a grandfather.”
“I would love that,” she whispered as her hand drifted down to her abdomen. “We’re going to need all of the help we can get.”
He hugged her again before saying, “Let’s get your squad in here and give them the news.”
Olivia sat down in a chair and tried to compose herself before everyone gathered in the office, but as each one of her squad members walked through the door, she could tell they immediately knew something was going on. Nick rushed to sit next to her, Munch stared their captain down, Fin crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall, and after closing the door, Amanda hovered awkwardly beside it.
When they were all settled, Cragen broke their silence. “Detective Benson has some news, and we felt it best to tell everyone now. Go ahead, Liv.”
Before she could begin, a concerned Nick interjected, “You’re not leaving the squad, are you?”
She shook her head. “I’m not leaving, but I won’t be going out in the field for a few months. I…I’m pregnant.”
One by one, each of their mouths dropped open in surprise, but Amanda was the first to break. “Wow. Congratulations Liv. I don’t think any of us were expecting this kind of news, but I’m very happy for you.”
“Thanks Amanda.”
Munch’s hand settled on her shoulder. “You’re going to be a great mom, Liv,” he said softly before pressing a quick kiss on the top of her head and scurrying out of the room. She couldn’t be sure, but she might have seen a tear or two in his eyes.
Nick gave her a hug and promised to be there for whatever she needed. “I can go with you to appointments, I can put together a crib, whatever you need, I’ll be here for it.”
Fin had remained silent the whole time, seemingly deep in thought, so when everyone else had left the room, Cragen slipped out himself. “I’ll leave you two alone.”
After a few more moments of silence, Olivia said, “Just say what you’re going to say, Fin.”
He finally looked at her. “You tell Haden about this yet?”
“He knows. He’s going to be involved, but we’re keeping things quiet.”
Fin nodded as he listened to her answer before continuing. “He’s being good to you?”
“We’re not together anymore, but this is his baby, and he wants to be involved, so I’m going to let him. He’s a good man, Fin.”
He nodded his head again, but it seemed like he wasn’t completely satisfied with her answer.
“What is it?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I just always thought if you had a kid, it would be with someone else.”
“Fin,” Olivia started, absolutely not wanting to go there.
He held up his hands to prevent her from continuing. “I know he’s not here anymore, and he hasn’t taken any of my phone calls, and I don’t even know where he is, but I think he’d want to know that you’re pregnant, Liv.”
Olivia shook her head. “I...can’t think about him right now. He’s out of my life, and I’ve got to focus on taking care of myself and this baby.”
Fin sighed. “You’re right. I just…want you to be happy, Liv. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.”
“I’m happy,” Olivia insisted. “I’m going to be a mother. I’ve wanted this, maybe not exactly these circumstances, but I’ve wanted a family for a long time.”
He finally walked over and gave Olivia a hug. “I know, and I’m happy for you. That’s a really lucky kid to get to have you for a mom.”
“Thank you Fin,” Olivia said, new tears forming in her eyes. “That means a lot.”
[][][][][]
The next few weeks were a blur. Olivia was put on desk duty, with a few exceptions made for interviews with survivors. It was hard watching the rest of the squad go out into the field without her, but the safety of her baby was the most important thing, and in a few months, when her maternity leave came to an end, she’d be wishing she had the downtime, time to be alone with her baby.
On the day of her ultrasound for her baby’s anatomy scan, David offered to go with her, but she opted to do this part alone. While he’d been a huge support since the day he found out about the baby, Olivia wanted to take this step alone. Someday soon, David wouldn’t be around as often; either work or his family would pull him away, and she needed to be able to tackle big appointments and other milestones on her own. While he insisted he’d be present and involved, Olivia was still going to be a single mom, and she wanted this time with her baby alone.
After checking all of the baby’s organs and limbs, the doctor said, “Ok Olivia, do you want to know the baby’s gender or do you want a delivery surprise?”
Olivia smiled. “Everything about this pregnancy is a surprise, and I don’t want any more! I need to know!”
The doctor laughed. “I thought so. Olivia, you are having a perfect baby girl.”
Olivia’s mouth flew open in shock.
A girl.
Something about the knowledge that she was going to be a mother to a daughter made the pregnancy even more real to her. In just a few months, she’d be holding her daughter.
So far during her pregnancy, Olivia hadn’t tried to predict if she was having a boy or a girl. She hadn’t had a feeling one way or the other, so she was content to wait for the doctor to tell her. But somehow a girl seemed so unexpected.
Maybe it was the complicated relationship she had with her own mother that made it hard to picture having a daughter. But now that she knew, she was determined her daughter would grow up differently, that no matter what, her daughter would feel deeply loved and deeply wanted.
[][][][][]
Naming the baby was a task Olivia wasn’t sure she and David would ever complete. Of course he wanted to have a say, but neither of them seemed to present any names the other liked, and they were stalled.
One thing Olivia was sure about, that was a non-negotiable, was her daughter’s last name, and when she and David were having one of their many discussions about what they’d call her, she decided it was time to have the last name discussion.
“David, I…I think the baby should have my last name.”
Of course David was surprised, but she could tell he was open to hearing her explanation.
“With your job…we haven’t disclosed, and no one knows you’re the father. We agreed that we would keep this between us for now, so if I put Haden on the birth certificate, it’s official, and we won’t be able to hide this anymore.”
After a few moments of considering her words, David’s head began to nod. “You’re right. I don’t like the idea of my child not having my name, but if we’re going to continue to keep this quiet, we can’t use my name.” He reached for her hand. “If you change your mind, I’m willing for us to figure out how to do this. You and our daughter are more important to me than the job, Liv.”
“Thank you. I’m willing to discuss it again somewhere down the line, but for now, I want to keep her safe and protected,” she said. ‘And mine’, she thought silently to herself.
“I understand. I know the risk we’re putting ourselves in here, and I appreciate you letting me be involved in spite of it.” David placed his hand on Olivia’s growing belly. “I love her, and as unplanned as she was, I’m glad she’s here, and I can’t wait to meet her.”
When it was time to leave, David hugged her and thanked her again. He pressed a kiss to his palm before gently rubbing it along Olivia’s belly. “Goodnight, baby girl. I love you.” He kissed Olivia’s cheek, and with a whispered ‘goodnight’, he was gone.
Olivia was proud of the way she and David were handling co-parenting so far. Of course she knew things would change drastically once their daughter actually arrived, but so far they were working well together as they made plans for their baby. David was already co-parenting with his ex, and they seemed to be great at it, so Olivia felt confident in their future and thankful her daughter would be raised by a good man.
[][][][][]
“Olivia, can I see you for a moment?” Cragen asked, poking his head out of his office door.
“Of course,” she answered, following him into the office.
It had been the busiest day. A case had demanded everyone’s attention, and with most of the squad in the field, Olivia was conducting interviews. They’d also heard rumors of a shooting at the courthouse, but no one had been able to slow down enough to find out the details.
Cragen put his hand on her shoulder, directing her to a chair. “I need to tell you something.”
Immediately she began to panic. Something happened to someone, her squad, Elliot, someone close to her.
“Just say it,” she whispered, tears already forming in her eyes.
He sat down in the chair next to her. “There was a shooting at the courthouse this afternoon.”
Olivia nodded, her heart sinking. She’d hoped the shooting wouldn’t be the topic of conversation, but it seemed her worst fears might be coming true. “Yeah, I heard. I’m sure it’s horrible.”
“It is, Liv. There were casualties too.” He reached out toward her, and she placed one of her shaking hands into his.
“Just tell me.”
After taking a deep breath, her captain shared the news that would alter her and her daughter’s lives forever.
“Liv, one of the casualties was David Haden.”
Olivia closed her eyes as tears streamed from them. She let the tears fall for a few moments before covering her face with her hands as she cried.
How could this be happening? She and David weren’t together, wouldn’t ever be together again, but he was the father of her daughter, and she loved him for that.
Cragen gently rubbed her back, trying to offer some comfort, and she appreciated it, but her heart was broken, not just for herself, but for her daughter.
“I’m so sorry Olivia.”
“My daughter is going to grow up without a father,” she whispered, her hands drifting down to cradle her belly. “Just like I did.”
“Hey, it’s not like that,” Cragen said, slipping his arm around her and pulling her close. “Yes, her father is gone now, and I’m so sorry for that, but you’re not alone in this. You’ve got Fin and Munch and Amaro, and I’m here too, Olivia. We’ve got you, and we’ll help you figure out how to move forward from this.”
At that moment, the baby moved under Olivia’s hands, almost as if she was reminding Olivia that she wasn’t alone, that they had each other.
“We were really trying to be good co-parents for her. He was trying to be here, going to appointments with me, and preparing to be with us at least a few nights a week to help out and to bond with his daughter. It wasn’t perfect, but we were making it work.”
“I know,” Cragen said softly, and she could tell he was on the verge of tears as well. “He cared a lot about you, and I’m sure he was thrilled about the baby. You’re a good person to allow him in your life despite the breakup, and I’m sure you made the last few weeks some of the best of his life.”
Her sad eyes lifted to his. “But what do I do now?”
He reached out, gently wiping at her tears. “Right now, I’m going to drive you home, and you’re going to take a few days. I’ll let you know when I find out about arrangements, but you need to take some time to take care of yourself and your little girl. I’ll let the squad know, and I’m sure they’ll want to be there for you. You’re not going to have to do any of this alone, Olivia. But you need to take some time to grieve this loss.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
When she was finally alone at home, Olivia settled herself on the couch. She’d picked up a blanket from the crib, one that David had purchased for her that was similar to a blanket his older children had each owned and loved as little ones. It was important to him to pass that along to their daughter, and Olivia was happy to share a family tradition. The blanket meant so much more now, and she ached that he wouldn’t be able to wrap their little girl in it himself.
While one arm clutched the blanket, the other cradled her baby bump. “I’m so sorry, sweet girl. I’m sorry you’re not going to get to grow up with him. He loved you so much, and he was so excited to meet you. I promise when you get older, I’m going to tell you all about him. But for now, it’s just you and me, and I promise that I’ll love you enough for the both of us.”
She laid down on the couch and let her tears flow freely until she cried herself to sleep.