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The confession sits awkwardly in her chest. Vax is still standing in front of her, eyes earnest but full with uncertainty and fear. She has to, she feels, she- looks at him and gives a wobbling awkward grimace. Well, she’s not sure what her face is doing but by the way Vax’s face drops she knows it’s pretty bad.
“I just” She pauses and has bite her lip for a second, “You’re like a brother, Vax.”
As the words leave her mouth she wants to grab them and stuff them back into her throat because the look Vax gives her is painful. He looks like he’s about to walk away, shifts slightly onto his right leg and bends slightly like he always does in uncomfortable situations but before he can she grabs his arm. The tattoos on her arms shimmer in the dim morning light of the day and catch her eyes for a second before she focuses on the half-elf in front of her.
“I think- I’ve never felt anything for another person before, Vax.” And she swallows harsh because she knows it’s weird, but she wants Vax to understand that it has nothing to do with him. “You’re amazing but I just, well, it’s probably weird, but I really haven’t felt anything besides friendship and familial love to people before.”
Vax’s eyes are sad but the pain in them is less wrenching as it was before she told him.
“I’m sorry for making this weird.” Vax’s voice is rough, but there’s no hate, no anger.
“No, I’m sorry for being not normal.” She wants to make him feel better and it’s sort of her fault anyways, but as she says that he shakes his head.
“You’re normal, Keyleth. And it’s ok to feel how you feel, alright? You don’t have to try to make me feel better, especially by putting yourself down.” He smiles sadly at her before continuing, “I loved you as a friend first, I’m sure we’ll be okay.” Vax pats her hand before disengaging and starting to walk away.
She stands by the Sun Tree, they wouldn’t be leaving back to Emon until their midday meal so she sits at the very base of the tree and stares up at the leaves. She was telling the truth to Vax- she’s never felt anything for anybody. Whenever Vex and Pike would giggle about the stuff they’ve done and what they want to do she’s always just awkwardly smiled and nodded along because she just didn’t understand.
The two were never cruel but they always threw winks and nudges saying it would happen eventually, but just the thought of anything happening made her skin crawl uncomfortably. She always left those conversations quickly.
She sighs heavily and lets her fingers grip at the bark of the tree that’s almost hugging her, taking comfort in the almost warm and alive feeling surrounding her.
Is there someone who would know what’s wrong with her? You’re normal, Keyleth. Vax’s words run through her mind and she shakes her head. All of her group talks about their sexual exploits all the time, would she feel comfortable going to them for this? She thinks about them all individually.
Vex would likely give her a weird look and say that she has no idea before making escape with some excuse about training Trinket.
Pike would try her hardest to make her feel like she’s normal- and that’s a nice thought to Keyleth, because she knows Pike will always love her for her and nothing else would ever change that.
Grog… he’s not a real possibility.
Percy might have answers for her but he’s in a really rough place right now and she can’t justify bothering him with this problem.
Scanlan is the most overtly sexual of the whole group. He always has been and always will be, but he’s also the oldest and sometimes the one with the most wisdom. She shakes her head again, not really understanding why she thinks that Scanlan would be the best to go to. The bard has a lot of knowledge about so many different things though…
With a decisive huff, she stands, turns around and gives the Sun Tree a kiss in farewell before striding to the castle library where Scanlan was probably holed up since it was always his second choice if there was no whore house for him to find.
She doesn’t pass by anyone and when she reaches the library she hears the quiet humming that always surrounds a relaxing Scanlan.
“Scanlan? Can I talk to you?” She’s hesitant and almost convinces herself to walk away like Vax always does. “Um, if you’re busy I can just--”
“Nonsense! Come on little Princess, what do you need?” She watches him take his feet off the table and sit up a little straighter. So she slowly, haltingly, steps forward and sits primly at the edge of the couch.
“I, um, I think, um, I, well…” She’s stumbling over her words and it’s never been this bad before but she can’t calm her heart and she jumps when she feels Scanlan’s small gnome hand rest on her forearm.
“Alright there, Kiki?” His voice is the same as always with only the smallest hint of concern underlying it.
“I don’t like people!” She lets the words fly out of her throat but it doesn’t sound right to her ears and she’s blushing and staring down when she continues, “I mean, not like that, but also yes like that.”
Scanlan pats her forearm before speaking:
“Do you mean you don’t like us?”
“No!” She whips her head up to look at him, “I love all of you.”
“Okay, Keyleth. Can you explain what you mean?” He sounds confused now, and the concern is more visible in his voice.
“I…” she pauses and he doesn’t interrupt her thinking process. “You all talk about how amazing it is to have sex with people, but it just doesn’t… Thinking about it too much makes me feel uncomfortable and makes my skin crawl. I’ve never felt what Vex talks about when she sees someone she really likes.” She feels her hot blush crawling up her neck and she’s gripping her hands almost too tightly.
“Sexual attraction. You don’t feel it, and never have?” Scanlan doesn’t sound disgusted or weirded out so she looks at him. His thick brown hair is out of its ponytail and is currently a mess around his face, normally dancing brown eyes are still but still hold that near constant happiness in them.
“No- I never... “ shame grips her throat, “I, it’s another thing I can’t do right.”
Scanlan lets go of her forearm and sits up on the table so he can look at her in the eyes, which he does and she finds herself panicking at the intensity in those globes.
“I’ve been everywhere, Keyleth, right? And I’ve seen all kinds of people. I’ve become friends with many of those people, and let me tell you something,” he leans closer and lets a hand rest on her shoulder, “You’re not weird.”
The serious tint in his voice is present and Keyleth finds herself grateful that Scanlan is taking this moment to act mature.
“I don’t know if there’s a word for it, because none of these other people knew but…” Scanlan grips her shoulder tight for a second, “You’re not fucking up. You’re allowed to feel how you feel, ok?” He moves away a little then continues, “If we’re ever in town or close enough to any of my friends, I’ll introduce you!”
She’s shaking, her hands minutely quivering in their death grip on the other. Her shoulders are hunched and when she finally processes what Scanlan says she feels a sudden breath of fresh air soothe her tensed muscles.
“Are you lying to me, Scanlan?” She stares into his eyes again and wills him to be telling the truth.
“No, Keyleth.” He doesn’t hesitate and when she stares at him for a few moments she lets out a sob then reaches out to hug him. It’s not hard to pull him to her and he’s not resisting. They’re hugging and he’s patting her back and she’s valiantly trying to keep her tears in but they’re escaping and when Scanlan whispers to her:
“Let it out.”
She does.
She’s not sure how long it’s been but Scanlan is still patting her back and humming his little songs. He’s been appropriate and mature this whole time and something in her chest tightens then pulses in gratitude.
“Thank you, Scanlan.”
“Of course, Kiki. It’s not often someone comes to me for advice, I’ve been saving up my mature moments for something like this to happen!” There’s a grin in his voice and she giggles a bit before letting him go and watching him find his way back to his seat.
“Did something happen to bring it up?” He’s curious but she’s not sure if she should let him know because he might tease Vax. Her hesitance shows and Scanlan waves his hands:
“Nevermind, keep your secrets little Princess.” He winks and then asks, “You’re feeling better now?”
She pauses and really takes stock of how she’s feeling. Guilt churns in her stomach for denying Vax, but reminding herself of how civil and kind he was to her after soothes that guilt and worry. The slimy feeling that seemed to coat her skin whenever thinking about her unnaturalness has dissipated. The anxiety that had always filled her when considering her lack of attraction to people is a bare vibration now instead of the harsh waves it was before.
“Yes, yeah, I am!” She’s surprised but there’s a happiness there too.
“That’s what I keep my old man moments for, Kiki. I’m glad I was able to help.” Scanlan grins and waves a hand, she watches as it makes the book Scanlan had been reading fly onto a shelf. She feels a brief moment of guilt for interrupting him but he’s smiling at her like normal and he hops to his feet.
“Now, I think that’s food I smell. Let’s go join the rest of the group!” Scanlan walks forward and when she finally joins him there’s a lightness to her steps that hadn’t been there before. A little laugh escapes her mouth and she tries to smother it, but Scanlan looks up at her in curiosity.
“If I tell anyone that you helped me without trying to be inappropriate they won’t believe me!” And it’s not really funny but she hasn’t felt this free of anxiety in a long time.
“Well that’s their bad. I happen to be a great friend.” Scanlan huffs but it doesn’t take the grin off his face.
She giggles again and when she opens the door to the eating hall and sees her friends- her family- sitting there already and she throws a smile at all of them. Vax smiles back and her stomach tightens in fear again. Would they be the same? His smile isn’t as wide and his eyes are sad, but they’re still kind so she nods at him and slips into the seat next to Pike.
It’s one of the best meals she’s had in a long time.