Work Text:
“By god, we really ain’t so different, you and I.” The Hero says, his voice filled with disdain.
Salazar jumps in excitement and exclaims, “At long last, you accept me!”
"We’re both pathetic! We act out for attention, we play these deadly games using childish weapons to feel like our actions mean a damn thing. You are my problems, coming back to haunt me, wearing an eyepatch. Simply shooting you ain’t going to get rid of you." Says the Hero with a sudden pause towards the end.
Salazar raises an intrigued brow, while Algernon looks on with cautious optimism. Hero turns and looks towards Algernon, "Thank you, Agent Algernon, you are a genius! I think I know what I must do now. I can't stop Salazar from coming back again. Shooting him won't solve anything, he'll just pop right back up- maybe even with two eyepatches this time! No, the issue isn't him coming back- but the grudge. I need to end this once and for all, not by making violence... but by making love." Hero turns back to Salazar, who's practically bursting with glee and excitement
As Algernon processes the statement, his prideful smile is slowly replaced by look of sheer bewilderment. "Wait what-"
"YES! Oh, you finally understand, you see it! from that very day you got those double finger I just knew you were meant to be the badass duel wielding finger gunslinger my dreams! All of this, this year long charade of convoluted plans, bribery, and deception- it has all been my confession of love, stained with the blood of all those who stood between us!"
Algernon just stares between the two, incredibly confused. "No seriously what the fuck is going on here??”
Hero looks away, flustered and ashamed. "I was blinded by my thirst for revenge, and even now I can't say it doesn't still cloud my vision. Yet finally, for the first time in a year I can finally see a little clearer- and that's thanks to you, Algernon. The deep-seated obsession I've felt every waking and sleeping moment- the obsession I still feel even now in this very moment- it was not hatred for you or Salazar, but for myself. And it is only in accepting you, Salazar- that I can accept my own flaws. It is only by accepting my love for you, that I can finally love myself."
Algernon and Jane both move back, seemingly just accepting the absurdity of what was unfolding in front of them.
Salazar takes a step forward, approaching Hero with a manic smile. "Oh how long I've awaited this... first a cowboy, then hero, yet all along the one for me." Salazar turns back and points towards his years loyal henchmen. "BANG! BANG! No more helpers, no more funny business. You know EXACTLY how to please me! Ah, I love you!" He takes another step towards Hero, closing the distance between them and placing a surprisingly gentle hand on Hero's cheek.
Hero reciprocates, holding her hand on his cheek. "I love you too, you freak."
Their eyes meet, for the first time filled not with hatred but lust. The tips of their noses touch as they stare into each other. Salazar closes their eyes and leans in with a final whisper into Hero's ear. "Let's bang!"
Their lips finally meet, and so do their souls, finally ending this tale of woe and misery once and for all.
Jane looks at Algernon and whispers. "Okay so what the fuck just happened?"
"I'm not sure I want to know to be honest." Algernon replies.
"Wanna go get some Thai food?" She asks, tired.
"Sounds good to me."