Archive of Our Own

——Since it was always just the two of us in that house, I was able to stay ignorant.

Hours later, standing in the kitchen, leaning on the counter as he watches the curry bubble slowly on low heat, waiting for Mizuki to come home. He hadn't even changed out of his clothes yet.

It was impossible not to feel pathetic over it. He brings the ladle up to his lips, burning his tongue slightly as he takes a sip of the sauce. It's bland and runny. He could add more salt. He can add a grated apple like the ones he'd seen in cooking videos in passing. He could do more, maybe, and it could probably replace the emptiness inside him.

It doesn't leave much of an aftertaste.

-

"The forecast for this week will bring brighter skies as the seasonal rain eases up, so in lieu of raincoats and umbrellas, please don't forget your parasols and make sure to apply sunscreen!"

Meeting Man-san early today, Yoh had Everyday Weather's stream on his phone, propped up against the utensil container on the table of the cafe they usually met up in. As Forecaster Segasaki had said, the skies have been turning into a lighter shade of blue as fluffier streams of white clouds override the gray ones, the trickle of the summer rain finally subsiding as he gets to sit outside on their usual spot.

Because of how early he has to meet Man-san ("My hands are actually full today, Dayo-chan, I'll work with you this morning, and I'll work on some stuff later with Akkun this afternoon!"), the livestream is coinciding with his meeting with her, and he hasn't been able to start on a sketch yet. Well, it's not like it's going to make any difference since the rest of his sketchbook is filled with the same profile of him anyway, but Yoh is already forming guidelines on his paper, staring into the figure he saw every day and hoping that the frame stays where it is, despite living with that guy and seeing him practically 24 hours a day.

He doesn't think Man-san is going to mind it. If anything, she's going to actively encourage it, both as a Segasaki Mizuki mega-fan and the only witness to the mess that is their relationship, so Yoh absentmindedly sketches loose lines on the paper, a warm-up to the upcoming work he already promised he would do with her.

To be honest, it might have been too much for Yoh's plate, but seeing how she's doing two things at the same time for the sales event, Yoh thought that he might as well work just as hard, too, and start on his own piece when he gets home from the meeting. Still, he ruffles his unruly hair, already struggling to draw the man he'd drawn hundreds, maybe even thousands of times, in front of him. He was barely making any progress on his individual manga, and pushing through the tenth page of his draft was becoming a bit difficult. It's already annoying that he lost his job once, and he wants to at least put a doujinshi out while taking note of what he's learned from the manga he borrowed from the Matsudairas. Not to mention the ridicule he got from Suzuka-san when he tried to show him something worthy of mainstream publication, the frustration is starting to pile up, and he honestly hates that it even stretches to his mindless warm-up sketches. It doesn't help that the subject always seems to be him…

But Yoh will never admit to that masochism. He's already been pushed around by that guy every day, and sometimes getting out of the house is a luxury if he doesn't want to go insane from the hot-and-cold nature of their relationship. Watching his own hand form the familiar features he'd erased and drawn and erased and drawn for the past few years, he still can't help but feel his heart soften despite it all, those eyes coming to life the same way this feeling is taking shape in his chest. It's been a few months since he started living with Mizuki, but is it normal that he's been feeling this way since college? He should honestly be used to it by now, but even with a clumsy not-confession that he sealed with a kiss, can you even say that things between them are becoming clearer?

Perhaps. They quickly fell into a routine since that stormy day, and though there are things Yoh still doesn't understand from him, he settles into those mundane days with a happiness he didn't realize had been in his grasp this entire time. It's not that Yoh thought he was going to grow up lonely… he just didn't think that he would be spending this time with Mizuki, of all people. The very person he couldn't take his eyes away from back in college, refusing to believe that someone like him could exist in the same space as he does.

I thought I would be slaving away in some cheap 1LDK in Tokyo the way things were going for me, Yoh thinks. He presses his free hand on his lips, still thinking about the kiss Mizuki gave him before he left for work. It's hard to believe it, still. It feels like that's the issue—Yoh is happy, despite how much of a struggle it is to arrive at a proper understanding between them. It's like a part of what it is already, and truthfully, he thought it should not have been viable, but somehow, it still works. This relationship is hard to understand. Yoh doesn't think Man-san understands; it's more like she filters everything through her otaku goggles, given the way she gushes about their relationship, but…

He's happy. Is he allowed to feel this happy? It's almost scary. This whole thing had been messy from the start, but Yoh will not deny how happy he feels, so…

"Is that Everyday Weather?"

Yoh jumps, pencil almost dropping in his hand, grasping it in time, but unable to save the lead from snapping. He turns around and—whoa.

With a subtle, floral scent wafting through the air, the person who comes to view is beautiful. Her hair flows down her shoulder like waves, dyed a cool brown. Her eyes are dusted with the lightest shade of pink, and the mute red flush atop her high cheeks makes them even sharper. Her matte crimson lips are pouted in curiosity, and her clothes make her look like she just jumped out of a fashion magazine, with a small scarf tied around her neck, and a deep brown leather jacket accentuating the dress she's wearing underneath. She looks like she has places to be, but she's hovering over Yoh like this is a small venture from a really important event she's supposed to be in. Yoh feels like he doesn't deserve to look at her.

"Ah—um…"

"Oh!" The woman covers her lips and giggles. She leans her arm on the backrest of Yoh's chair. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have sneaked up on you like that. I just didn't think I'd find someone who was also watching Everyday Weather, but I got surprised!"

She hurries to the chair opposite him. Yoh couldn't speak up properly as she finally took her seat. "Oh, don't worry, I won't keep you long, I just had to talk to you when I saw what was on your phone, y'know?"

Man-san might arrive soon, but… "Uh, are you a fan?" Yoh asks, not really sure how to go about this.

"A fan?" She raises a brow, jutting her plump lips. "I guess you can call it that? I like to have it on as background noise, but I love watching the forecasters!"

Yoh blinks. "I, I think so, too."

"Are you a fan?"

"I—eh," Yoh scratches the back of his head. "Maybe? I put it as background noise, too, actually."

"Wouldn't it be weird to be a fan of forecasters? But they make it fun, and it's different from the weather section of the morning news, right?"

Yoh nods, an awkward grin forming on his mouth. "That's true… Th-that's why I like watching it a lot when I draw."

"Oh, you draw! I shouldn't have interrupted you!"

"No, it's fine."

"Can I see what it is?"

She leans forward before Yoh can even cover it with his hands, and she's already peering into his sketchbook. Yoh balls them into fists, trying his best not to snatch the sketchbook away from her prying eyes, but then her face blooms into the kind of smile he saw Man-san would have when she would devolve into her otaku spiels.

"You're drawing Segasaki Mizuki!"

Yoh wants to retreat.

Of course, she'd know who he is. She watches the damn show. Why does it seem like she's peering into his chest?

"I do…"

"Wow, it looks really good. Are you an artist?"

Yoh doesn't want to clarify even more that he's an eromanga artist, so he just nods his head.

"You really capture him, it's like you've drawn him a hundred times!" Yoh feels a cold sweat break out on his neck. She points to a spot on Mizuki's upper lip with her perfectly manicured nail. "See? You even put the mole right under his nose! I don't think people would have caught on to that because the camera doesn't zoom in all the way, as far as I'm aware!"

Yoh's face reddens. No way. It really feels like she's tearing him apart. It shouldn't have been that obvious! He can excuse it as just, "He's good for drawing practice…" or something like that? But she even pointed out his mole. She might even point out the rest that's mapped on his face, their exact placements burned into Yoh's retinas, ones he has stared at for so long when he would wake up before Mizuki could. And she's right. He's looking at the ongoing livestream—the camera is focused on the weather information right beside him, and while sometimes the camera would pan to his face almost as fan service for a damn weather show, Yoh thinks that Mizuki has a makeup crew on set that keeps his face completely pristine (as much as he doesn't need it) and would cover up those markings during the many, many, many times he watched the livestreams.

"Uh—" Yoh stammers, excuses piling up but not leaving his mouth. "Um—"

"I mean, it's understandable. Mizuki is really pretty, it's otherworldly!"

Mizuki?

Yoh stares at her, gobsmacked.

She's still smiling pretty wide, but as the silence stretches, she straightens and covers her lips in embarrassment. "I'm sorry! It makes it seem like I'm overly familiar with him."

"It's fine…"

"Actually, can I tell you a secret?" She smirks at him, leaning back in the chair and blinking with her long lashes. "I used to date Segasaki Mizuki back in high school!"

Yoh blanks.

She winks and holds a finger up, proud to tell Yoh of something that she'd probably been holding in for years. "I don't really go around bragging about it because it's not like anyone's interested in the dating history of a weather forecaster, but I feel a kinship with you since you seem to appreciate him the same way that I do!"

Yoh stares at her, eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar as she continues to talk. "I mean, who wouldn't, right? It's easy to see that he was really popular back then, with those good looks of his and amazing personality, to boot! He was practically the prince charming of the entire school! I swear, I could feel some girls stare daggers at me when I dated him, but I can't even blame them. I would also be jealous if someone like him were taken. I was pretty surprised he even accepted my confession!"

Her eyes seem to sparkle, reminiscing about the memories with an indescribable fondness that Yoh wouldn't be able to put into paper. "And usually, people only break the ice by talking about the weather, but Mizuki always seemed to like talking about the clouds. I was surprised he would manage to predict if it was going to rain the next day. So I guess it just makes me happy seeing him become a meteorologist; it's like watching him in his element. I'm glad people get to see just how amazing a person he is."

Yoh hides his hands under the table. He's gripping his pencil so tightly he can feel his nails digging into his skin. His voice feels like sandpaper in his throat. "Is that so? I wonder why he's only an ex to you now."

She laughs. "That's what I wanna know! He was so nice to everyone, it felt uncanny, you know what I mean? He was so kind to me, too; it was almost unbearable. I don't think anyone has treated me so kindly, even after high school. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if I had fought for us even a bit more. Ah, well, even if we were just kids, I still think about us sometimes. I still get surprised that we even dated at all!"

She just keeps talking, but Yoh can't seem to stop her. She's confident in herself, and it would be... a waste to stop her when she's so happy about it. Yoh must feel like the absolute masochist. "I don't think it's all that surprising. You're a very beautiful person."

This time, it's her turn to blush, adding to her already red cheeks. "Oh, you flatter me so! I haven't even gotten your name! I'm Arisa."

Arisa holds out her hand. Yoh wonders about the choice of her giving him her first name. He unfurls his fingers and takes his hand out from under the table, completely apprehensive. "I'm Yoh."

"Yoh-kun!" She says without any hesitation. She takes Yoh's trembling hand, unfazed by his cold, sweaty palm. "You know, I don't think we'll ever see each other again since I'm only passing by this area for travel, but it was really cool seeing a fellow Everyday Weather fan in the wild. Let's keep it between ourselves, 'kay?"

"I wouldn't tell anyone."

She winks again, putting her bag on her shoulder as she sways her long, wavy hair away. "I won't keep you since I'm pretty sure I'm running late for my appointment, but it was very nice meeting you, Yoh-kun. You let me ramble on without stopping me!"

"It's fine!" Yoh smiles, somehow, his cheeks hurting from the stretch of his lips. "It was fun hearing about… Forecaster Segasaki Mizuki from you. I feel like I know about him just a little more."

"It's good material for the fans! Hopefully you don't kill me." She jokes as she stands, huffing out another laugh. "Goodbye, Yoh-kun. I enjoyed our talk!"

"Goodbye, Arisa-san."

He watches her saunter away like she completely owns the surrounding place, her leather boots clicking by her heels until both her figure and the sound fade, and all that's left is the lingering scent of flowers still clinging to his hand.

Yoh doesn't think he's the most adept in most social situations, usually letting other people like Mizuki or even Man-san handle everything in his stead. It was easier, even if he could just handle himself. The extent of those interactions only happens during manga sales events, but that's because they have a similar starting point. He looks down on his unfinished sketch, those drawn eyes looking back at him while the livestream of Everyday Weather continues playing in the background.

How did he manage to talk to someone like that? Even his first meeting with Man-san wasn't the greatest, but talking to one of the most beautiful people he had ever seen in a while somehow felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Yoh didn't know he could lie like that.

-

The time he spent with Man-san went by like a blur.

Yoh honestly didn't know how he managed to work with her when his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his ribs, forcing a smile on his face when she came to the cafe just ten minutes after that person left. He shakily sharpened his pencil, snapping the lead a few times and leaving it even shorter than before.

"Oh, Dayo-chan, you managed to catch up on the stream! I wasn't able to open up the livestream at all, but we can have Segasaki-san in the background while we work!"

"We could."

"…Dayo-chan, do you feel okay? You look a bit pale."

"I'm fine, Man-san, I just slept a bit late, that's all."

It's already been a few hours since they last met, and they left only after lunch because of Man-san's prior commitment. Yoh doesn't even remember the walk home, feeling as if his body was moving on autopilot until the moment he opened the door, now staring into the blank TV as he sits quietly in the living room.

Right. He should be working on his own manuscript. The deadline is still a few weeks from now, but it's better to finish early in case some issues come along the way.

The clock ticks. He didn't know it was possible to hear the ticking when the house falls into such quietness, when Yoh isn't moving around, doing chores. Why is it so hard to get up? He can vaguely recall the moving shadows of their furniture as the sun's position changed through the passing hours, though it's so minimal it's easy to say that Yoh must have imagined it.

It feels so, so heavy.

He hasn't done anything. Not since arriving, not since sitting on the sofa. His head has been blank since he left the cafe, the walk back to their house a memory that's something akin to a dream. Yoh knows what he's upset about, but trying to name that shame makes him want to gut his heart out. Spending the last few hours sulking over it is the most pathetic he's ever felt since the day he'd first been fired by his publisher, and he really can't stand the thought of Segasaki finding him slumped on the floor again, especially over something like this.

With great effort, he moves his limbs and walks to the kitchen, opening the fridge to start preparing dinner. It's still a bit early, but if he's not going to do anything productive, then might as well have Mizuki come home to something worthwhile, even if Yoh himself isn't.

Still, even as he unevenly chops the carrots and messily peels the potatoes, he really couldn't help but wonder about what kind of person Arisa really is, and what her relationship with Mizuki would have been like. It's like the picture-perfect couple when he thinks about it. Two of the most gorgeous people in the entire school being together is straight out of a shoujo manga, but when it comes to Mizuki, it doesn't seem too hard to imagine it. Arisa already gave Yoh a really strong impression from the moment they met just from her looks, but her personality was even harder to ignore. She seemed to command everything, even from the conversation she had with Yoh, and he could picture that she was the type of social butterfly that everyone admires, no matter what standing you had in the school.

He tries to adjust his grip on the knife. Is that the past Mizuki had back then? Yoh never really asked, and Mizuki never really talked about himself either—he hardly ever talks about what goes on behind the scenes in his job, so what makes Yoh think that he's going to open up about his school years?

Even yet, why does it feel strange learning all about this from someone else?

…He should have expected it. He knew Mizuki would be popular. He saw it with his own eyes when he met him back in university. It would not be out of the question that he would have had a previous relationship way before he met Yoh, and it would be stupid to think otherwise. He's wanted by so many people! Hell, Yoh was part of the crowd!

Besides… it didn't even seem like she was lying. It would be strange to lie about something like that, especially when Arisa also looked like someone who would have many suitors at her feet. She even pointed out the mole on Mizuki's face. To be able to point out something so minuscule, they must have ended up being close at some point. They must have ended up taking it far.

Still, somehow, Mizuki ended up with Yoh.

Of all the people who coveted him, even the previous partner who looked so beautiful that she seemed out of place in this mundane, asphalt colored world, Yoh is the one standing next to him, preparing dinner for when he comes home from work.

Truthfully, Yoh should be happy.

The floral scent and the bitter aftertaste of the iced Americano linger like thorns on his tongue.

…Why… him?

He had already thought about it. Who he is as a person, and his place in Mizuki's life. When he had lost his job, he doubted everything about himself, so he did something stupid out of self-satisfaction—just to be a person worthy of standing in society at all. Arisa would have easily fulfilled that. She seemed so confident about herself compared to Yoh, walking and talking with an air of certainty unfounded on Yoh himself. The anxiety for the future never went away, even with the luxury of being able to stay with Mizuki regardless of whatever happens.

That's why Mizuki… tied him down, right?

No one would like that side of Mizuki. Yoh is sure as hell Arisa wouldn't. The fact that he can do that to Yoh is why he puts up with it. No one else would be able to handle what Mizuki is actually like behind closed doors, and as strange as it sounds, that's the kind of special privilege Yoh has that nobody else is even aware of. She only ever talked about the good days between her and Mizuki, so even way back then, Mizuki had put up such rigid walls around himself that he was saved from the embarrassing perception people would usually have of others during their teenage years. Yoh can't even count the number of memories that make him cringe when he thinks about high school.

She doesn't know him like he does. Man-san doesn't, either. Not even that crowd back in university. Only Yoh ever gets to see that side of Mizuki: the quiet, uncommunicative, demanding, and sadistic part of the charming weatherman thousands get to see every day. It's an undeserving secret. He hated him during the first few months of living together.

But he loved him, regardless.

—Yoh does. Mizuki, too.

Isn't it crazy how that works? They should have been incompatible with each other. Even with that side of Mizuki, Yoh cannot deny the social standing he has in this world. This is a man who carefully built his reputation from the ground up, curating his image into someone entirely different just to maintain his place and advance his career. Yoh can't do that. Just forcing a smile in front of someone he had no idea how to deal with was so exhausting. That's why, years after knowing Mizuki, all of this is still so unbelievable to him.

It's like he'd been entrusted with something strangely fragile and he had the job of protecting it. Yoh, this incredibly incompetent, incapable, and inept guy who's miles away from the kind of world Mizuki lives in. Would Yoh be able to give something he doesn't even have?

And even now, despite how much Mizuki had told him over and over again, how Yoh is allowed to stay despite all of his misgivings, the mere idea of it makes him choke.

Maybe this is what Arisa meant when she said that his kindness was unbearable.

It could have been anyone, yet he chose Yoh.

It's one thing to accept Mizuki's love for him. It's another thing entirely for Yoh to accept that he deserves to love him.

"Ow! Fuck!"

Yoh accidentally burns his finger on the stovetop. Ah, what a mess. Both his thoughts, and this hundredth attempt at making the same kind of curry he'd been cooking for Mizuki since the beginning. He puts his hand under running water as he tries to mix the curry with his other hand. Mizuki didn't even text him to make it today, and Yoh just did it all on a whim, like some sort of quiet, desperate plea to Mizuki, who doesn't even know what he's even feeling. Yoh himself doesn't understand it, either.

Perhaps it's like some form of security, cooking this to soothe himself and not because he actually wants Mizuki to eat it. But he'll be happy about it, regardless of the reason. Even thinking about it that way makes Yoh feel even more miserable than he should.

How can loving someone feel so…

-

Yoh did not hear the door unlock. He had to rush to the front door from the dining table, jumping a bit when it opened right in front of his face, just a few centimeters away from a broken nose.

Mizuki pauses, squinting down at him with a furrow in his brow. "I'm home. You didn't turn on the lights in the hallway."

Yoh doesn't look at him in the eye, taking Mizuki's bag and walking away to settle it on the sofa. "Sorry. I forgot. Welcome back."

It's not painful on his cheeks, but the force of a gentle smile is still there. Maybe it's not difficult at all, but it's easy to feel the strain. It's strange how this works.

"Yoh."

"Hm?"

"You haven't taken a bath yet?"

Yoh looks back at Mizuki. He's staring at him with curious eyes. If only he really knew what he's actually thinking about, then Yoh wouldn't feel so apprehensive answering a simple question. It's the same kind of Mizuki as always, so it's annoying that Yoh feels like this.

So he settles for an answer he knows best. "…Sorry."

Mizuki clicks his tongue. "That's not what I meant."

Yoh flinches and looks away, avoiding his gaze as he enters the kitchen to prepare the dining table. He'd been sitting here for god knows how long, but he hasn't even set the plates down. He can feel Mizuki's eyes burn a hole into his head as he keeps it bowed, but pretends not to notice it.

"I made dinner early today, but you can take a bath first and I'll just—"

"Let's eat now."

Yoh snaps his head up and stops spooning rice on the plate. "Huh?"

Mizuki loosens his tie and places his jacket on top of the sofa. "You made dinner early, so we're eating it now."

How does that make any difference? Yoh resumes to the rice, but… "I can always just heat it up for later, like I always do…"

Without rebutting, Mizuki sits on the dining table, looking at Yoh as if challenging him. It's Yoh's turn to click his tongue, squinting at him with an annoyed look. This bastard still has the energy to smirk smugly at him after coming home looking like he had the life sucked out of him. It doesn't stop him from feeling his cheeks heat up, however, as much as he wants to blame it on the steam from the rice cooker.

When he opens the pot, the scent of curry spices immediately fills the room. He stares at it for a bit before putting some on their plates, suddenly feeling embarrassed with himself that he decided to cook curry without Mizuki's interference. Does it make him look desperate? Is it sending the wrong message somehow? His hand is starting to feel sweaty, and the sauce drips on the counter when he sets the plate beside the pot.

As he gets to the table, the plate clatters loudly when he catches Mizuki's gaze, almost spilling some of the curry again. Why does he have to look at him like that? He takes a sip of the barley tea to moisten his dry throat, muttering a silent itadakimasu as he takes the spoon and starts eating.

It doesn't end there, however, when Mizuki doesn't even move. He's leaning on his hand with his elbow on the table, looking at Yoh with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Curry, huh?"

Yoh frowns. "Do you not want curry…?"

He huffs out a laugh. "Of course, I want it. What do you want, Yoh?" He asks, a teasing tone to his voice.

He knew it. Yoh did look desperate. He shoves some curry and rice into his mouth, hoping to hide the grimace on his face and powering through the first few bites like it's going to stop Mizuki from teasing him. In the end, Mizuki just takes the spoon and starts eating dinner himself, and it falls back to the usual quiet of their evening affairs.

To be honest, Yoh doesn't even feel that hungry. He just wants to get dinner over with, as if to dissuade those thoughts from springing back up again, and then sleep it off in the hopes that it was all just the irrationality of his daily routines being disturbed. That this is okay. That this is something he can always go back to, and there's nothing for him to worry about. The curry doesn't taste too different from the curry he usually makes, but he wonders why it tastes so bland despite adding the spices needed for it. They're also premade curry roux, so it doesn't exactly make sense why the ones he makes tend to taste so differently.

"Did something happen today?"

"What?"

He doesn't look up, but Yoh realizes he's been kind of just moving his food around his place, taking small bites out of the pork and vegetables, and even lesser spoonfuls of rice in his dry mouth. Mizuki is silent, still looking at Yoh but not repeating himself. Somehow, this pressures Yoh even more, grabbing the barley tea and finishing it in one gulp.

"Nothing much… I just worked with Man-san at the cafe and went home after lunch."

He hears Mizuki sigh. This is expected whenever he talks about Man-san, yet Yoh can't help but feel there was something else to that response. Like Mizuki knows he's lying.

"And? That's it?"

Yoh smiles, like the smile he gave to Arisa just this morning. "Yes."

"Yoh, look at me."

"What for…"

"Just look at me."

Hard to follow. Hard to trust. He grips his spoon even harder. He's trying, okay? He's just…

…Listening to the quiet rumbling of something distant. It takes a few seconds, but Mizuki takes out his phone. Yoh's eyes only land on his hands, but Mizuki takes a good look at the screen before answering the call.

"Hello, it's Segasaki."

He reverts to his professional weather forecaster tone, the sound completely foreign in this house. The last time he heard, or even saw, this kind of Mizuki was when Man-san visited them. He hears this Mizuki every day through a livestream, but it's still so, so different in front of him.

"Yes, we haven't met in a while, that I'm sure. Oh, I do remember Kitagawa. Is this why you called?"

He can feel Mizuki staring at him even in the middle of the phone call. Yoh can just get up, throw the leftovers out, and leave this conversation for another time, but he feels pinned down by that gaze somehow, frustrated that, despite how distant Mizuki is, Mizuki has control over Yoh's actions. Besides, he doesn't want Mizuki to be angry. It's going to make the inner turmoil even worse.

"…I see. I'll let you know if my schedule allows it. It was nice talking to you again. See you."

Liar, Yoh thinks, biting back the urge to say it out loud by chewing on the piece of pork. Mizuki groans irritably as he puts his phone back in his pocket and eats a few spoonfuls of his dinner. It's like both of them are eating away their sorrows, drowning out the tension in the air with the miserable curry that Yoh hasn't improved in the past few months he has been here.

"Who was that?" Yoh asks.

"Why should you know?"

In offense, Yoh snaps his head up. "Am I not allowed to know?"

He's frowning, wondering why Mizuki would respond so defensively, until he blinks surprisingly at his smug face. "Finally, you looked at me," Mizuki says, the smile not quite reaching his tired eyes, but the tone is lined with relief.

Yoh's upper lip twitches in annoyance. He watches the other man eat, not breaking eye contact with him.

"If I tell you what the phone call is about, can you tell me what has been bothering you today?"

Yoh's hand reaches out to his empty glass, regretting that he already finished his tea. "There's nothing to tell you."

"You're a bad liar, Yoh." Mizuki covers Yoh's hand with his own on the glass. "You can't help being honest."

His touch burns, like needles prickling his skin. Yoh retrieves his hand and hides it under the table. Aren't touches just as honest as eyes are? He recalls his stubby pencil and the dull ache of his finger that accidentally touched the hot stovetop.

Mizuki sighs and replies without waiting for Yoh's response. "That was an old classmate of mine back in high school. Apparently, they're planning a class reunion soon, so he called to invite me."

His stomach drops.

It seems that the universe is hell-bent on reminding Yoh of—of this. Maybe Arisa was sent to Yoh for this purpose. Sure, Yoh was being delusional, and it might just be a coincidence, but it feels like something is pressing against his chest, trying to crack open in between the gaps in his ribs.

"Are you going?" Yoh asks before he can even stop himself.

Mizuki raises a brow at him. "I only considered it for the sake of formality." He lets go of his hand on the glass, returning to eat his dinner. "I'm not going."

That should be it, but Yoh bites his lip, unable to push down the urge to ask something worse.

"Why not?" Yoh forces out. "It wouldn't be bad to attend these things once in a while."

"Because I don't want to." Mizuki declares with an air of finality. "Why are you pushing this?"

Yoh flinches. He knows why. Saying it out loud would be pathetic. There's a part of him that's happy that Mizuki's quick to decline the invitation, but it's hard to feel good about it when the reason he isn't going is sitting right in front of him. It's not like Yoh really knows what goes on in class reunions… He was never that social with his own classmates either, having to resort to online friendships and talking to like-minded fans in exhibits as his form of connecting.

But it's different for Mizuki. He actually has something to show off, to be proud of when returning to a group where dreams and ambitions were still fresh and within reach. Yoh doesn't have that. He's not someone who has anything to offer, and the idea of Mizuki choosing to spend the night with a constant failure like Yoh instead of being around people of the same caliber as he is makes his stomach churn. The lingering curry sauce in his mouth is starting to taste worse.

"I'm not pushing," Yoh defies unconvincingly. "I'm just… suggesting that you can be somewhere better than staying at home all the time."

The clink of the spoon on the plate was like a switch that turned the room cold.

"Somewhere better, huh?" Mizuki says flatly. "So I can pretend to be someone I'm not and act like I'm happy to meet people I never cared about?"

"That's not—!"

"Then what is it? I thought you knew me better than that."

Yoh shuts his mouth. He didn't realize that the mere fact alone was hurtful to realize.

Mizuki crosses his arms. "Did you ever stop to think why I never go to drinking parties after work?

Yoh falls silent, deflating. Mizuki always came home at the same time, and when he would arrive late, it was always because of something related to work as a meteorologist, and he would always tell him as soon as he could. The smoke and alcohol that permeated through izakayas would never cling to his suit, nor would the perfume of any man or woman from his workplace. Mizuki had been completely loyal from the start.

So why does it hurt?

Yoh scrambles for words in his already messy head, his lower lip trembling as he forces down the burning behind his eyes. "That's all the more reason you should go. If not with them, then with people who would be happy to see how you're doing now."

"So you're saying you're not happy with me."

"Why are you reading into my words like that?!" Yoh asks desperately. There was a sarcastic edge to that question, as if he wasn't really taking Yoh's words seriously, but Yoh felt the need to defend himself, albeit poorly. He can't read his face despite the obvious anger in the minute furrow of his brows and the visible vein right under his fringe. It's like he doesn't know him at all.

"How else am I supposed to take it?" Mizuki asks, cold and distant. "It sounds like you don't even want me here."

Again. Yoh is doing it again, pulling out the wrong words as much as it feels like grappling with thorny vines in his throat. It always comes out wrong. Or, why does Mizuki always get the wrong idea? Doesn't he know that Yoh's doing this for his sake? It always lands on the opposite side, no matter how much Yoh tries to reach out.

As if telling him his place in Mizuki's life. As if they'll never reach that same conclusion.

All these attempts to stand equal with him… These efforts will never bear any fruit. Yoh wants to tear his hair out.

Instead, he stares into his half-eaten curry, unable to look him in the eyes when that gaze impales him through his guts like a knife.

"I don't…"

"You clearly do."

I really don't, Yoh convinces himself, but Mizuki is already standing, leaving the table with his food unfinished and their conversation shut down. He's walking away, and it's annoying, to be quite frank, that it's always his word that gets followed around, despite the fact that Yoh entered this house knowing he's supposed to follow it down to the letter.

"What about Arisa?"

Mizuki pauses before he gets to leave for his room.

"What?"

I really am a masochist, Yoh thinks, getting the words out like it's going to solve this issue. "Wouldn't you want to meet her?"

"How did you know her name?" Mizuki pries. The way he responded confirms Yoh's suspicions.

"I met Arisa-san." He continues. He doesn't look up when Mizuki grabs him by the shoulders, moving him and his chair from the table. "Your ex-girlfriend. She said you went to the same high school together. I thought she was really beautiful."

"What the…"

"I couldn't look away from her. She talked about you like you were the best thing to ever happen to her, and she was confused why it didn't work out. It's like I could see both of you in my head… Like you fit together so well. I could see why you used to be together, even if it was just high school."

"Are you kidding me? Why the hell are you bringing her up now?!"

"I just thought that maybe you deserve to be surrounded by people like that," Yoh gently pushes Mizuki's hands away, leaving the table and its half-eaten curry with all its poor attempts at shoving down the frustration of never seeing each other eye to eye. "Instead of being stuck with me."

"Oh, for the love of—" Mizuki rubs his face, groaning. "Is that why you're upset?"

Yoh grits his teeth. Why does he always dismiss him like this? It's fine by him that Mizuki barely understands Yoh's manga. It was something he could forgive him for. But this was so difficult to come to terms with, and it erodes the rift between them even more. "If you saw those guys again, then maybe you'd realize you don't have to force yourself to be here."

Yoh starts walking to his room, but Mizuki grabs his arm and forces Yoh to face him. Yoh still refuses to look at his eyes. "You don't get it, do you?"

He ignores the tremble in Mizuki's voice and slaps his hand away from his arm.

"No, you don't understand me."

The short walk to his room is a blur when tears finally escape his eyes, and he slams the door, locking it just as Mizuki tries to twist the doorknob. It rattles, and the whole door shakes as he knocks repeatedly. "Yoh! Open the door!"

The floodgates burst open while Mizuki keeps attempting to open the door. He sobs and falls to his knees, covering his face as he cries uncontrollably, finally letting out the tension that had held him hostage the entire day.

"Yoh!" Mizuki calls from the other side, still twisting the doorknob. "What did she tell you?!"

"Nothing!" Yoh yells in between sobs. "She told me nothing…"

It's precisely because she told Yoh nothing that he feels so terrible lashing out at Mizuki like this. She was just her honest, beautiful self, and Yoh had never felt so inadequate about himself because how is he supposed to match Mizuki when he used to have a partner like that? Like Mizuki settled for a downgrade. Or that maybe Yoh was easier to deal with. It feels terrible, no matter how Yoh goes about it.

He messily wipes the tears from his face, rubbing it with his hands like he's trying to claw at the weakness of his confession. "She just… She talked like she knew you when you were anything but the person she was talking about… so I knew you wouldn't go to those kinds of things! Of course you wouldn't! But when I think about how she got to you first… W-we didn't have that kind of thing, did we? It's like… It's like I can't give you what I can't have."

Yoh doesn't know where he's pulling these words from, or if they're even making any sort of sense. The fact that Yoh has no recollection of his beginnings with Mizuki really, really bothered him. He knows when their meeting started, he knows when they started talking to each other more, and the date when he got to this house is branded into his brain with no hope of ever erasing it, but Yoh never knew when he truly ever started loving Mizuki the way Mizuki did for him.

When that "contract" was clarified into a "proposal," Yoh's place next to Mizuki turned from "house servant" to "leech." Suddenly, Yoh is brought back to the stormy days of their first few months together, with only the rain to fill in the silence of the words that never seem to reach each other. The foundations have been shaky since the start. Isn't that why they say to have agreements written in paper? Memories are so easily distorted, after all.

The rattling stops, and the only thing that can be heard is Yoh's sobs echoing in his quiet room. "I should have been happy when you said you didn't want to go to that reunion. It's just so stupid that I'm so jealous over something that has ended years ago… but you can't even be happy with me like this. I always fuck things up. What even is there to me?"

Yoh doesn't know if Mizuki is still on the other side, but it hardly matters to him. The words spill out of him like a dam, unable to stop the flow from pouring out of his weak heart. He can vomit his guts out, but it would do nothing to show the depths of what he'd been feeling since the day he met Mizuki. Idolizing him, painting him in bad faith… It's all unfair to him, and Yoh's pitiful excuse of an existence is a tumor attached to someone as bright as he is.

"It hurts… I just—I just can't accept that you'd spend that day with someone like me."

I just can't accept that you love someone like me.

And that's what truly hurts.

"Why me…"

His words trail off quietly.

The sobs manage to turn into deep breaths with occasional hiccups in between, but the tears don't stop streaming from his eyes. He stays there, kneeling with his forehead stuck to the door. It's painful. But what hurts even more is how he's directing that pain towards Mizuki.

Can he even say that he deserves to love Mizuki because of it? It seems like such an excuse. I'm sorry for loving you so much that I can't bear that someone as amazing as you would put up with me.

Because in the end, he's too selfish and self-centered for someone who can't stop beating himself up for things he lacks. Whatever Yoh does, it will never be enough. Yoh will never feel enough. He can never measure up to Mizuki. That's the simple truth of it.

He stays like that for a bit, simply staring at the floor until the tears become tacky on his cheeks, and all that's left is the burning in his eyes and the headache from how hard he cried.

"Yoh."

Mizuki's muffled voice from the other side is soft.

"Can you let me in?"

Does Yoh still deserve it? To let him in, no matter how much he has shut him out?

He lays his palm flat on the door, as if trying to reach him through this boundary. If he can somehow feel his breath, his heartbeat.

"Please."

Yoh swallows thickly. With weak arms, he shakily grabs hold of the doorknob and, with a few seconds of hesitation, turns the lock.

He moves his body just a bit backwards as the door opens slowly. He's looking down, so he can only see Mizuki's feet step hesitatingly into his room. He doesn't close it or anything; he just stands in the doorway.

And Yoh doesn't move when Mizuki kneels down and rubs the tear stains from his cheeks, slowly lifting his face to gaze into his eyes. There's no anger in Mizuki's face, simply tired eyes and a sad smile etched on the corners of his lips. He sighs before leaning in to kiss Yoh softly—a peck so fleeting Yoh can easily say that he just imagined it. He still doesn't get it. He's a bit glad that Mizuki isn't angry anymore, but it doesn't feel right, either.

Mizuki sits in front of Yoh on the hard wooden floor, refusing to move in place. Offhandedly, Yoh thinks about how this is one of Mizuki's many considerations for him, and tears well up in his eyes again. Mizuki sighs, but it's not out of frustration.

"Why'd you have to wait until it hurts to speak up?"

Yoh doesn't answer. He just looks down on his curled fists and feels Mizuki's fingers wipe away the tears that should have fallen onto his hands.

"No wonder we keep fighting like this," Mizuki says, kissing his cheeks before moving away to wipe those endless tears away. "When I could make it stop."

Yoh shakes his head, but Mizuki doesn't let go of him. "I don't deserve it."

Without removing his touch from him, Mizuki pulls him into his embrace, completely wrapping him in his arms. Instinctively, Yoh hides his face in Mizuki's neck, because despite it all, he craves Mizuki, body and soul. Even when his brain is screaming at him to push Mizuki away, his heart yearns for the only thing that knows how to ease the pain.

"Who are you to decide why I do the things I do?" Mizuki whispers, tenderness palpable in the hush tones. "Even if you say you don't, nothing is going to stop me loving every part of you."

He strokes Yoh's hair, not minding when Yoh starts crying again, staining his dress shirt with tears and snot. "Even your weak, pathetic self that you hate so much."

Yoh clutches his clothes. He's going to completely crumple it, but he doesn't let go, knowing he's still allowed to wash, hang, and iron this shirt for the future that Mizuki wants him in. Suddenly, he laments his stuffy nose, sniffling because it blocks the scent of his perfume and the detergent Yoh bought late at night at the 24/7 supermarket when he realized he had nothing to use for the next day, and it was a weekday. He thought Mizuki might be rougher with his words, make him snap out from the ridiculous tirade that begs him to leave as much as it begs him to stay, but he realizes he's putting him in an unfair light again. This wasn't the first time that Mizuki had been soft on him, but it's still hard for Yoh to accept it.

"She said your kindness was unbearable," Yoh whispers, his voice hoarse. "I thought that maybe I understood that a bit more."

"Idiot," Mizuki grumbles, ruffling Yoh's hair roughly, like he's annoyed at his pet for not following orders. "I'm not doing this out of the goodness of my heart. And you already know I'm not that kind of person anyway."

He's not. So Yoh feels even worse for suggesting that he go on that reunion when neither of them is happy about the idea in the first place. Mizuki plants a kiss on the side of his head and resumes stroking Yoh's hair gently.

"…If anything, the only kindness I'm showing you was letting you meet that woman, as much as I don't want you to." Mizuki clicks his tongue. "If I didn't let you, then maybe you'd actually understand why you're here at all."

Yoh chuckles when Mizuki's jealous side suddenly came out. He really can't help himself from showing his distaste for Man-san interacting with Yoh. Honestly, Yoh should be annoyed by it, as always, but he finds a strange security in that sentiment. It's just another one of those things that Mizuki put an indelible mark on.

As if assured by Yoh's laugh, he pulls away, catching his gaze.

"…Yoh."

Yoh looks him in the eyes. Deliberately this time.

"You saw the worst in me," Mizuki says. "I'm not kind. I'm not a good person. You said it yourself. She doesn't know me."

His grip on Yoh's shoulders tightens, forcing Yoh's attention on him.

"So why do you continue to be with me?" He asks firmly. "When you know I've been lying to everyone's faces all this time?"

Yoh's face reddens. It's not a charitable way of going about it at all… but he knows the exact answer all this time. "…Because it's you."

"Finally, you understand."

It's because it's Mizuki that Yoh can put up with it, not because of anyone else. He… doesn't want Mizuki to be kind to him suddenly, because that's not the real Mizuki. It will feel like lying to Yoh, putting Yoh in the crowd of people that Mizuki shields himself from. He shows this ugliness to Yoh because… he feels safe with it.

And Yoh accepts him for it. All of it.

"Even if I were with her, it wouldn't make me any less lonely than if I were with you."

As blank as Mizuki's face is, Yoh can already see the lines on his face that he has memorized; the ones that show when Mizuki's chest aches, when he's holding back his sadness. It's the kind of expression that hardly ever shows up, and the only time he has ever seen this was the day of Typhoon No. 5, wreaking havoc on their rooftop.

"It's terrifying, you know." Mizuki pats Yoh's head before pulling his hair to the side, planting a kiss on his forehead. "I feel like I've done everything to make you stay here. But I can't make you stay when you're not even convinced you should."

It's the same as it was back then. It's all because of Yoh's doing. He can't help but make the anxiety high in this household, and it doesn't make Yoh feel any better that Mizuki still wants him. But he stays silent, because he still wants to be here. Despite the storm of contradictions inside him, he found his home in Mizuki's arms. How can he ever bridge the distance that Yoh keeps running away from?

"I don't care whether or not you deserve it. I want you to stay because I love you. Isn't that enough?"

Yoh gasps, and his hand flies to his lips at the sudden confession. Mizuki scoffs, raising a brow and smirking smugly like he always does. Just like that, everything is back to normal again.

…Maybe that's what it's all about, in the end.

Yoh has always been wanted, regardless of what he can give to Mizuki. Maybe it's not "leech." Maybe it's "presence." Mizuki had let go of his past in favor of Yoh, who is the one who grounds him in this asphalt colored life.

Yoh looks down, unable to grapple with it. You're the one who brings color to my everyday, you know, he thinks, biting his lip and blaming Mizuki for everything in his head. The thing is, Mizuki would probably be happy to take that blame, so Yoh stays silent, slowly nodding his head.

That smug smile is the brightest he's seen Mizuki today.

"Do you finally know what I feel when you talk about that woman?"

"Huh? Man-san?" Yoh finally speaks out in surprise. "But you know she's just my friend."

Mizuki rolls his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Not the point, Yoh."

The air is light. Yoh smiles, too, looking at Mizuki with that lingering pain still aching in his chest, mixed with something warmer, as if overwriting the wounds that clawed his heart.

"…For what it's worth, I… I can never leave you for anyone." Yoh takes Mizuki's hands and closes them with his own. "Even if it hurts… I don't think anything can remove the mark you've left on me."

Mizuki blinks at him in surprise, like he was hit in the head with a rubber hammer. Yoh doesn't think those words are enough, yet, and they're certainly not the ones Mizuki should really hear. But perhaps this… This could be enough for now. He feels like Mizuki can pick up on it, just one step closer to closing the gap between them. Yoh's sure of this understanding.

Mizuki sighs again, this time, in content. He stands up and pulls Yoh with him. "Come on, let's take a bath."

Yoh grasps his hand tightly. "What about dinner?"

"You want to continue eating?"

"…I'm not really hungry anymore."

"Then we'll clean the dishes tomorrow."

When they enter the bathroom, Mizuki faces Yoh and stands still.

Yoh only gives him a confused look. Mizuki gives him one back.

"Can you at least tell me what you want?"

Mizuki laughs. It sounds terribly gentle. "Unbutton me."

Yoh grumbles under his breath as he follows suit anyway, because he truly cannot defy Segasaki Mizuki, as annoyed as he is. "You're not a child…"

And he wants to punch that smirk off his face. Yoh pinches his cheek instead.

"You should get angry at me more often," Mizuki says through the pinch.

"What? Why?"

"Because it actually feels like you love me enough to criticize me."

Yoh stares at him, dumbfounded. I don't think that actually counts, Yoh thinks, finding that maybe there's something more in those words. Instead, he concedes.

"…You weirdo."