Work Text:
EMERGENCY CONTACT
“You forgot to give us the name of an emergency contact,” the nurse reminded her. Nurse Ellie was a pretty, perky woman sporting a high blonde ponytail. Lilah hadn’t been surprised to hear her proudly informing a 16-year-old patient in the hallway that she, too, had been a cheerleader – and still viewed those years as the very best of her life despite looking like her 35th birthday was a few years in the rearview mirror. Ellie was probably the kind of girl who would have made Lilah’s life miserable during her tumultuous childhood, but she wouldn’t now. Younger Lilah had been emotional, sensitive, and eager to please and connect. Adult Lilah was preternaturally composed - some might say callous and even occasionally evil but, really, that was subjective. After all, Everyone is a bit dark and crazy once you get to know them past a purely superficial level, aren’t they?
In any case, Lilah had faked it until she made it, transforming herself into someone confident and relentlessly driven who never allowed anyone to affect her mood and state of mind. Well, almost never. An image flashed through her mind, one of her reaching out to touch Wesley’s face, his world-weary eyes contrasting with that surprisingly boyish, cautiously hopeful smile. He was an uncommonly brilliant man who had proven deeply, inconveniently attractive to her sapiosexual self as both an earnestly rule-abiding nerd and subsequently jaded, intense “rogue demon-hunter,” pursuing his own brand of justice with the same ruthless passion that she pursued victory - and all the material trappings and admittedly brief surges of satisfaction that came with it. She had fallen for Wesley’s intellect first, his physical attributes second, and then – most devastatingly – his complicated yet gallant and oddly beautiful heart. She knew and loved all facets of him - his strengths and flaws, his light and darkness. He knew her just as intimately, though with every passing moment since their abrupt separation, she was more grimly resigned to the fact that he had never loved her in return. Lilah hadn’t had other romantic entanglements that lasted longer than seven or eight hours, but it seemed that being a seemingly heartless, cruel and amoral bitch wasn’t conducive to having a happy and healthy relationship. Who knew?!
“It’s just that we’ll never have the type of relationship where we hold hands,” Wesley had told her once, staring at her with a mixture of melancholy and something else she couldn’t quite define. “I don’t want that anyway,” Lilah had said, tossing her head back with her usual (and often slightly misplaced) pride. And, like many things that shot out of her mouth, she would later wonder whether that was actually true
“I didn’t forget,” Lilah informed the nurse frostily. She forgot nothing, though sometimes she suspected she’d be far happier if she did. “I just don’t have anyone to list.”
The nurse gave her a look of such patronizing pity that if Lilah hadn’t been confined to a hospital bed and too physically depleted to lift one of her manicured hands, she would have been tempted to slap her. Not that she actually would have. Probably.
“Oh, but surely there’s someone?” the nurse chirped. “A family member, a friend, a colleague from your law firm?”
“There’s no one,” Lilah replied flatly. Until Wes, there never had been anyone– and now there likely never would be again. People like Nurse Ellie smugly assumed that everyone led normal lives filled with people who loved them. It didn’t occur to her that some wandered through life utterly alone, though at least Lilah’s hard work had ensured that she got to take that walk in stylish high heels.
Lilah had been bullied in school, the type of overly sensitive child who others ordered to “calm down” without realizing that this produced the opposite effect. Lilah had always known that her mother was “off,” and that she herself was as well, though perhaps not in precisely the same ways. Lilah, born with an insatiable thirst for knowledge (and, not incidentally, the power that came with it), had researched heredity and myriad theories about nature vs. nature, only to conclude that none of the so-called experts had been able to draw definitive conclusions as to why humans were so fatally flawed, let alone how to change. It was certainly possible that Lilah was more like her father, though since she had no idea who the man was and suspected her mom didn’t either, she’d never know for sure. During her impoverished, unstable upbringing, Lilah had been forced to steal food just to eat while her mom was imprisoned or tucked away in various psych wards. Suffice it to say the foster families she had been placed with had proven less than idyllic.
But while Lilah had more than her share of flaws, many of which were mentioned in articles with titles to the effect of “You Might Have Psychopathic Tendencies If…,” a propensity to wallow in self-pity had never been among them. She was even grateful for her upbringing, which had served to toughen her up, compelling her formerly fragile self to play the part of a vicious bitch who would stop at nothing to carve out a better life for herself. She worked tirelessly and lied only slightly to secure a scholarship to a university she could never otherwise afford. As soon as she arrived on campus, she established herself as someone who would blaze a path to success and cheerfully obliterate any obstacles that might stand in her way. Some of her fellow students were afraid of her and a few may have even developed a grudging respect for her, but none of them liked her, which Lilah had cheerfully accepted as quite justifiable. She earned admission to a top-tier law school, and the fact that her mother needed to be permanently institutionalized by now strengthened Lilah’s resolve to earn as much money as possible the millisecond that she graduated. Wolfram & Hart, a firm in equal parts prestigious and dysfunctional, had recognized her as someone who would fit in with its rather “unique,” cutthroat culture – testing to see if she would quite literally cut said throats before committing to her. Needless to say, friendships among coworkers were actively discouraged, and enmity reigned supreme. Nurse Ellie’s naive question about whether a coworker might come to sit vigil by her bedside and ensure her comfort had almost made Lilah laugh out loud. The only way to lure a Wolfram & Hart colleague here would be to promise that they could pull the plugs out of whichever machines were currently sustaining her life. Lilah knew she had richly earned their hatred and contempt every bit as much as they had earned hers.
“I’m sure some people are very worried about you, Ms. Morgan!” Nurse Ellie had not given up. Lilah felt torn between a grudging admiration for any woman as tenacious she herself was and her usual contempt for anyone who clung to optimistic delusions in lieu of accepting harsh realities. “Maybe I could call…” Ellie’s already enormous blue eyes widened as she caught sight of a certain factoid on Lilah’s chart. Lilah couldn’t see it (Wolfram and Hart hadn’t given their partners x-ray vision – yet), but she knew exactly what the cheery nurse was looking at.
“No, you can’t,” Lilah told her, but she could hear her own voice wavering just a tad. The physical pain was taking its toll, apparently compromising her mentally and emotionally as well.
“We’ll just get a hospital-appointed escort for you when it’s time for you to leave then,” Nurse Ellie said, conceding defeat. “Which won’t be for at least another couple of days, by the way. You sustained some serious injuries while…er…I think you jokingly told the intake staff that you were battling demonic forces?”
Lilah couldn’t resist a brief grin, though even that minimal movement made her wince. This nurse really needed to focus less on Lilah’s social network –or, fine, utter lack thereof – and more on managing her pain. “Yes, well, isn’t all of life a battle of good vs. evil of sorts?” The truth is, she had assaulted a demon who had been threatening Angel Investigations, the group that Wesley had left her in order to reintegrate into. As meticulous a planner and preparer as Lilah generally was, she had instinctively lunged at this particular demon without the semblance of a strategy or even any conscious awareness that she was doing so. No matter how hard she had tried to rationalize why she was better off without him, apparently her subconscious still loved Wesley, fiercely and recklessly. This demon had pummeled Lilah with the unmitigated drive to destroy that only purely evil entities possess, but Lilah had no regrets.
“If you could leave me alone for a bit after increasing the pain meds so that they’re at least minimally effective, I’d greatly appreciate it.” It’s too bad she had recently given up alcohol and caffeine, both of which might have helped more than whatever the nurse had administered.
“Oh, of course, I’m more than happy to increase those dosages for you,” Ellie gushed. Lilah rolled her eyes by way of response – she may have been working on becoming a bit less evil unless the people or creatures in question deserved it, but she’d never win any awards for patience or congeniality. She managed to move her arm long enough to shove in her earphones and press the ‘ambient sounds’ app on her phone. She had always derived comfort from listening to raging thunderstorms. As a child, she’d read that some people listen to storms because it makes them feel comparatively cozy and safe, but Lilah amused herself by imagining that she was the storm, powerful and unstoppable and able to wreak havoc and – ouch.
“Please,” Lilah said, cringing as she heard how pitiful and vulnerable she sounded, “Can’t you do anything to alleviate the pain? It seems to be getting worse…”
“That’s because I’m giving you exactly what you deserve,” Nurse Ellie informed her, and made sure that Lilah saw the enormous syringe that the woman threatened to plunge straight into her eye. “Exquisitely painful, prolonged torture. Wolfram & Hart hired me to ensure that you meet a fitting end. Both of you.”
Lilah’s heart began to race as she groped around in vain for a makeshift weapon. It appealed to Lilah’s sense of irony that she was about to go out at the hands of a ruthless, vindictive woman who used her intelligence in the most destructive ways. She didn’t need the therapists she should have started seeing decades ago to know that in a sense her final battle would be with a version of herself, the one who she pretended to love but had grown to secretly despise, especially now that it had cost her whatever flickering hope she might have had of being with Wesley. The fact that Wesley possessed some of her same ethical murkiness and ruthlessness yet consciously chose to channel them towards doing good while she had utilized hers to help no one except the currently battered woman she glimpsed in the mirror had quietly inspired her. She had recently embarked on a journey towards becoming better, not solely or even primarily for Wes but for herself. And now she was about to be snuffed out before seeing whether she could become a slightly lighter shade of grey. She would have enjoyed trying – Lilah had always thrived on a challenge. Speaking of which, Lilah ignored the searing pain long enough to use her perfectly painted nails as claws, digging into Ellie’s cheek until she drew blood.
“My face!” Ellie cried indignantly. “I’m competing in an adult cheerleading competition this weekend, and now I’m going to look ridiculous!”
Lilah tried her hardest to knock the syringe out of the diabolical nurse’s hand, but her body was too weak and damaged to oblige. Alas, not even someone as fierce and hypercompetitive as Lilah could win every battle, and this one couldn’t even be charitably characterized as a draw. A particularly loud boom of thunder sounded in her ear, and Lilah sensed that the final act of her bizarre, simultaneously amusing and painful life had arrived. She swatted ineffectually at Ellie, took one last breath, and thought of him. Her pesky tendency to show her emotions had long ago been replaced by a compulsion to conceal them until she wasn’t sure she had any feelings left to hide. Until Wes. Lilah had gone through almost all of her time on this earth with no one, but then she’d had the only someone she’d ever need. She found herself hoping with uncharacteristic earnestness that he was happy. Maybe he’d sometimes think of her, occasionally even miss her. He’d be the only one.
“Any regrets?” Ellie hissed in her ear, pressing down on the parts of Lilah’s ribs and arms that hurt most and beaming as the once seemingly invulnerable Lilah moaned and whimpered.
BOOM. CRASH. The sound of thunder exploded in her ear, and it took Lilah a moment to realize that there was booming and crashing in her hospital room as well. Wesley stormed in, rugged and jaded yet somehow never losing the vestiges of that eager, endearingly adorkable ‘head boy’ he’d been. Their eyes locked, and her heart did some sort of a lopsided cartwheel.
“Not as many regrets as you’re about to have,” Wesley informed Ellie. His refined, posh British accent made it sound like he was about to offer her a tour through his Downton Abbey-esque castle, but instead he unceremoniously hit over the head with a mallet.
“Knocking her unconscious instead of slitting her throat?” Lilah could only speak in a pained whisper, but she knew he would understand her. “You’ve gotten soft on me, Wes.”
He knelt by her bedside with surprising gentleness and reached out to caress her bruised face and limp hair. “And deprive you of that particular pleasure? That would show an unforgivable lack of chivalry.”
“What are you doing here? The prospect of seeing me looking this pitiful and atrocious was just too alluring to resist? Taking a break from paradise with your dream girl to remind yourself of your shamefully secret tryst with a semi-sociopath?” She could hear the vulnerability beneath her snarkiness and knew that he could too.
Wesley took a deep breath and talked with more unfiltered openness than he’d once believed himself capable. She listened attentively as he confessed that his relationship with Lilah had deviated so radically from geekily analytical, goal-oriented Wesley had always expected or thought he wanted that it took too long for him to discover it was everything he needed. “Let’s just say that I realized I was so fixated on fantasy that I failed to recognize the love and happiness I’d found in reality.”
“Love and happiness with me?” Lilah murmured incredulously. “Even after seeing me like this?”
“With you,” Wesley confirmed. Even through half-closed eyes, she saw the naturally serious Wes smile. “And especially after seeing you like this. If…if you’ll still have me?”
“Of course.” Lilah tried to blink away a few traitorous tears that had sprung to her eyes. “Though naturally I’ll have to punish you for ever leaving me in the first place.”
Wesley’s smile widened. “I’d neither expect nor want it any other way.”
He summoned real health care professionals, none of whom appeared to be demons in disguise or likely to abandon Lilah’s care in favor of attending a cheerleading event anytime soon. Wesley stood back to allow them to do their jobs but never quite left her, hovering in the doorway and even cheering her up with comments about the epic chess matches they’d play and delightfully creepy noir films they’d watch while she recovered. Once the doctors and nurses were done, he returned to her bedside and took her hand.
“I thought we weren’t the type of couple who would ever hold hands?” Lilah said, her voice far softer than usual.
“We’re often not,” Wesley conceded. “Or at least we weren’t. But we can decide to break our own rigid rules about who we’re supposed to be. You’re the one who taught me that.”
She squeezed his hand with as much strength as she could muster – which, due to her injuries and the massive amount of drugs being used to treat them, admittedly wasn’t much. All that mattered was that he felt it.
“I just have one more question before I let you rest,” Wesley murmured. “When our mercifully unconscious Nurse Ellie threatened to give “both of you” what you allegedly deserve, was she referring to the two of us? Or…” His eyes moved downward.
Lilah followed his gaze, realizing that her hand had been protectively circled around her midsection without even being conscious of it. “I love when you ask questions to which you already the answers,” Lilah teased, but then she let herself be serious. She remembered Ellie’s eyes widening when she had spotted that item on Lilah’s chart: "Patient is 11 weeks pregnant." “Yes. And obviously he or she is yours. It could never be anyone else’s.”
Intense emotion flashed across Wesley’s face, self-doubt and anxiety that was soon replaced by something resembling elation. When he choked out “We’re going to be parents!” he had tears in his eyes that he jokingly tried to pass off as allergies. Lilah realized even in her foggy state that she had never seen him this wholly vulnerable and genuine. And if he could fully drop his mask, she could finally drop hers.
“I love you,” she whispered. “And, hey, as screwed up as we are, at least we know we’ll do better than our own parents did.”
“That bar is so low that it’s subterranean,” Wesley drawled, but he squeezed her hand harder. “And, as you’ve no doubt deduced, I love you too. As terribly inconvenient as that may sometimes be. Now get some rest. I’ll be here when you wake up…and every moment thereafter.”
Lilah closed her eyes, thinking of her past and their future. Lilah had always believed in making her own fate, never viewing herself as either the victim or beneficiary of luck. She had made some truly ghastly choices that had led to some deservedly dark days, but that meant making marginally better ones could result in some brighter seasons too – for her, Wesley and their child. So she would try her best to choose honesty over lies, real happiness over fleeting material pleasures, and love over hate.
An unwanted image of Ellie holding that syringe floated through her mind. She smiled at Wesley one more time before letting herself succumb to the fatigue that engulfed her. Love over hate. For now...
NOTE: I wrote an alternate version of the ending which led readers to question whether this 'happily ever after' with Wes might have been Lilah's medicine-induced hallucination prior to her death, but that felt too cruel, and we deserve a little happiness :) Thank you for reading!