Work Text:
It was impossible to look at yourself without help. Most people had to use a mirror or a pool of water to see their own face. Some people, probably very many, had both lived and died without seeing what their own face looked like for themself. You could not turn your eyes inward and spy at your features like the simple way you could look at your hands or even your feet. No, without help it was just impossible to see yourself in the easy way others saw you. Nai, however, didn’t need help to see herself. She didn’t need to look in a mirror, or stare at her reflection in windows or on computer screens. If Nai wanted to look at herself, all she had to do was look at her sister, Vash. Vash could do the same by looking at her. It was a gift that came with being twins, they’d always know what they’d look like, and they’d always be able to see each other.
They enjoyed looking at each other, they had even made a little game out of it. It was far beyond the petty Narcissus and his deadly admiration of himself, it was something only a twin might understand. It was a challenge, something to see just how close they really were. Nai and Vash loved to pretend to be mirrors for each other. Every move Vash made, Nai copied perfectly. It took some time for them to get into the proper headspace to play their little game, but after the two had synched they could pull it off almost flawlessly. Every twitch, breath, or raised hair. They were able to mirror it perfectly without a second of delay. Both of them loved it, especially since it gave Rem what she called the ‘heebie-jeebies’. Nai loved it because feeling so close to her sister made her feel full and loved.
During a play in their mirror game, where the sisters knelt in front of each other on their shared bed, Nai tumbled slowly through her thoughts. They moved carefully like they were marionettes, pulling each others’ strings and moving without worry of following out of sync. While they could move in time to each other, they could not think the same. Nai was thankful for that. They didn’t need to think the same to be the same, afterall. Whenever her thoughts turned sour, they made her feel warm and ill. She didn’t like them, but she couldn’t help it either. Anymore, these worrisome thoughts came to her whenever she looked at her sister- whenever she looked at herself.
Was she-?
“What’s the matter, Nai?” Vash asked. “You look red.”
Staying quiet, Nai put her hand in the air and splayed her fingers. Seeing Vash copy her seamlessly made her feel more at ease. She breathed slowly, watching her chest rise and fall through her sister’s body. “I don’t…” It was hard for Nai to say, hard for her to understand. She was six months old and she knew so much, but understanding her thoughts and the strange feeling they brought on was beyond her. “Like,” Frowning, Nai put her hand over her chest and gripped the fabric of her dress. “This.”
Vash’s lips pursed as she looked at her sister. She moved, and Nai copied without thinking, pressing their foreheads together. Their hair fell together in one large curtain, the subtle differences in shade lost in the closeness. “This?” She asked, picking up a piece of hair that belonged to them both.
The hair was part of it, but it was not all of it. It was not the real issue. Nai still didn’t know what to say. She looked into Vash’s blue eyes and saw herself in them. Sometimes… Just sometimes, when they focused hard, they could understand each other on a level that was beyond just movements. It wasn’t quite like reading each other’s minds, it was more like a window into how they felt. Their emotions spoke more than their thoughts ever would, anyways. Nai hoped it would get across to Vash, the things she did not know how to say.
Vash’s eyelashes fluttered slightly and her eyes widened, “That?” She breathed. “I feel it too…” She smiled, “I don’t like it either… Being a girl.” Her smile faltered, “But it makes maman happy.”
Nai frowned and looked away. She didn’t want to be a mirror anymore. She closed her eyes and with some difficulty, detached herself from her sister. Nai laid on her side and crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes still shut. “Would she still like us the other way?” She asked, “As boys?”
There was a thump in the bed and Vash fell down next to her sister. “I… Yes,” She nodded and brushed her hair out of her face. “Rem says all the time how much she loves us. She’s a girl, but I don’t think we have to be girls for her to love us.”
“But that’s all she’s seen us as!” Nai opened her eyes and realized she was crying. “She calls us her daughters, her poussins.” Their mother was the only person they had besides each other, she raised them, cared for them, and taught them everything she knew. Nai didn’t know what would’ve happened to her or her sister without her, or if they had been found by anyone else. “We can’t be hers if we’re not her girls.”
She was crying. Crying like the baby she really was. Nai was only six months old, but she was as physically mature as a 10 year old. Her mind, like her sister’s, was beyond that point, but she still felt like a baby. She missed being a baby, the few weeks where she and Vash had been small. Rem had held them then, fed them, and changed them. It wasn’t that she didn’t love them less for growing up, but Nai knew it was easier to love a baby when they had no thoughts or feelings about who they were and what they wanted to be. Nai wasn’t a baby anymore, she was big, she knew what she wanted to be, what she- no, he was. Nai knew he was a boy, but he did not want to lose his mother by being himself.
The next thing Nai knew, his brother’s arms were around him, hugging him tightly. Vash was shaking too, though not crying like Nai was. He stayed quiet as he held him, and gently pressed their foreheads together again. Although they were not mirrored, their breathing slowly began to match up. In and out. In and out. Nai stopped crying and Vash stopped shaking.
“I don’t think maman will care,” Vash said quietly. It was his turn to cry, his blue eyes were shiny with tears. “She said she’d love us no matter what… being a boy isn’t a bad thing, so it shouldn’t make her stop.”
That made sense. Even though Nai was the older twin, he sometimes became so swayed by his emotions that he couldn’t think properly. It wasn’t a characteristic an older brother should’ve had, but he couldn’t help it. Vash was the cool one, the confident one. He led better than Nai. Even then, Vash was acting like a better big brother then Nai had ever been.
Nai wiped his eyes and sniffled, “Yeah… I guess it’s not the worst thing we could be.” He laughed softly. “Maman… You really think she’ll be okay with it?”
“Remember when we broke her vase from Earth?” Vash smiled guiltily. “If she wasn’t mad then, I don’t think she’ll be mad now.”
Unable to help it, Nai returned his brother’s smile. “Yeah… You’re right.”
“I’m always right.” Snickering, Vash lightly shoved Nai.
Giggling, Nai shoved Vash back. “Um, I don’t think so.”
The two fell into a fit of laughter, playing with each other and feeling much lighter than before. It felt good for Nai to be a mirror, but it felt even better for Nai to be himself.