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It had become pretty easy to handle Shepard’s nightmares. Kaidan knew when to wake him and how to calm him afterwards.
However, recently Shepard had improved a lot. The nights, when he would wake Kaidan, were fewer and generally his whole attitude had become more positive. Ever since he had left the hospital and they had started to live together in a small apartment at the outskirts of Vancouver, he even seemed to be happy; a fact that eased a lot of Kaidan’s worries.
But it wasn’t that easy.
Kaidan had spent a lot of sleepless night in the last weeks, being woken up by his own nightmares. It was strange to experience this now; because despite everything he’s been through nightmares had never been an issue. He was focused and very much in control of himself and everything else, which was why losing it because of some nightmares scared him even more.
Especially now that Shepard was finally getting better!
He should really be getting his act together and help John to live a normal life. And they were together. That alone should be important and keep those stupid dreams away from him, whenever he fell asleep next to Shepard.
Yet this night another nightmare chased him out of his sleep and almost made him cry out. But he prevented that and lying totally still listened for Shepard’s breathing. First his own pulse was beating too heavily for him to hear anything else besides the blood rushing through his veins. Pressing his lips even stronger together Kaidan tried to force his body to slow down and reached out carefully with one shaking hand. He found Shepard’s arm and the feeling of his warm skin send a wave of relief through him.
Then he heard Shepard breathing, slow and regular. He was still asleep, which was good. He wouldn’t know anything of what had happened to Kaidan this night and the next morning everything would be fine. They would have breakfast and it would be ok; they would be ok.
Right now he just had to focus some more and keep his biotics in order. Then he would be able to turn to his side and snuggle closer to Shepard, forgetting about this night’s bad dream and eventually he would be able to fall asleep again.
But somehow he still felt his heart beating heavily and noticed how his stomach clenched with increasing intensity. It had never been that bad before.
He let go of a heavy breath that formed itself into a word. Shit!
Maybe he should try to get up and steal away into the bathroom, because by now he was sure he would be sick. Carefully Kaidan’s hand let go of Shepard’s arm and he slowly rolled to the other side of the bed. When he heard Shepard stir in his sleep, he had to blink away the sudden wetness filling his eyes. Desperation was getting hold of him, because his body was still not fully under his control and he wasn’t sure how to get out of bed without waking Shepard.
After a few more seconds of heavy breathing, Kaidan finally lifted himself out of the bed with surprising smoothness. He stood still despite his shaking legs and listened again.
Shepard was still asleep. Kaidan hadn’t woken him, so he gathered enough courage to walk out of the room. He increased his pace after reaching the small corridor that connected the three little rooms of their apartment.
Tumbling into the bathroom he hit the light switch without thinking. The shining bright whiteness nearly blinded him and he cursed a little under his breath. He felt around for the sink and managed to get some cold water running on his first try. He used it to splash it into his face.
Shaking his head a little he decided to repeat the process and then ultimately felt his strength leave him, while he was slowly sinking to the ground. The water was still running, but the noise was soothing and while he was leaning against the cold tiles of the bathroom, he finally felt his stomach relax. His hands were still shaking, but he was beginning to breathe deeper and less hurriedly.
A few more minutes and maybe he would be able to return to their bedroom.
But Kaidan couldn’t be sure about time anymore. The only measurement he had were the tiles against his back, which were slowly starting to feel less cold. They absorbed his body heat and even started to get warm at some point. Uncomfortably warm even. So he shifted himself a little to find some more cool tiles.
Staring down at his hands he noticed too late the tapping of bare feet approaching the bathroom. When he turned his head in alarm he already looked into Shepard’s face. John was clearly displaying his worry.
Kaidan tried to get up, but even here Shepard was a little bit faster and lowered himself to sit next to Kaidan, pressing him gently back down with the arm he had wrapped around Kaidan’s shoulders.
The latter hurriedly took a deep breath to at least say something before the other man.
“I’m sorry, John. Didn’t want to wake you. Just… must have eaten too much and now my stomach is …”
Kaidan was hushed by a kiss which probably saved him from getting too tangled in this poor excuse. Shepard then held Kaidan’s face carefully in his hands and eyed him up. He knew immediately Shepard would see through his lie, even if he kept pressing his eyes shut. The other reason for doing so was again to keep the rising wetness in his eyes at bay.
Suddenly Kaidan realized just how desperate he was. The pressure of shielding Shepard from his own internal turmoil and doing everything in his power to establish a peaceful everyday life, where Shepard would be able to heal, was finally too much to bear.
“Kaidan, please don’t shut me out. Talk to me!”
His voice failed Kaidan and he couldn’t stop the two tears that had been forming behind his closed eyes anymore. He didn’t cry. It was just those two tears silently running down his cheeks until they met Shepard’s hands.
“Did you have a nightmare?”
Shepard’s voice was quiet, but solid and soothing. Although he still couldn’t answer, Kaidan nodded and felt Shepard’s lips placing another kiss against his brow. He wasn’t even surprised that Shepard knew about his nightmare. In fact he should have known it had been a foolish attempt to try and hide this from him anyway. But he was still convinced he shouldn’t bother his lover with his own stupid dreams. Eventually they would fade away and Kaidan would be his normal self again. Worrying Shepard because of this was something he still wanted to avoid. Yet he was too shaken to form a reply and shrug the latest events off.
Shepard pulled Kaidan closer into a warm embrace. The latter let it happen with a sigh and rested his head on John’s shoulder. The warmth of Shepard’s body gave him strength, but he still wasn’t willing to talk. Even after Shepard inquired some more, he didn’t answer.
He heard Shepard swallow hard and felt one of his hands draw small circles over Kaidan’s back.
“It’s not fair of you, you know? If you shut me out like this, I don’t know how to help you. But I love you, Kaidan and seeing you like this… it’s not fair.” Shepard pressed Kaidan even closer and sighed. “You don’t have to try and hide those things from me. I want to take care of you, too.”
Kaidan nodded and bit his lip slightly. After a few more seconds of tense silence he stopped chewing on his lower lip and took enough courage to say something.
“I lost you. In this dream I watch you disappear and I can do nothing to prevent it.”
He felt the hand on his back stop drawing the little circles and heard Shepard taking in a sharp breath. A part of him already regretted telling John this, because he knew it would only make the other man feel guilty. Kaidan didn’t want that, he just wanted the aftereffects of the dream gone and then forget about it until he found himself dreaming the exact same thing again.
Too late he realized he was clenching at Shepard’s shirt with his hands, giving away too much of his feelings.
“Tell me more,” Shepard’s voice came with some urgency and a trace of anxiety.
“Look, it’s not that bad. It was just a stupid dream and I can deal with it. Just need a few more minutes and I’ll be ok. We can just…” Kaidan nearly stumbled over his words. He didn’t want to tell Shepard more. It would be unfair to pass this on to him, but he was hushed by Shepard in mid-sentence.
“No, I want to know, Kaidan. And I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention to you. I should have realized what was going on with you and I’m sorry, really sorry. You’ve done so much. Kept me safe and well, everything. Please, let me take care of you this one time.”
A faint smile played on Kaidan’s lips as he processed these words and he nodded. It was all the convincing he needed to finally understand he needn’t shield Shepard from anything, not anymore. Taking a deep breath and feeling safe in Shepard’s arms Kaidan talked for the first time after the war. He told his lover more about the nightmare and continued with of all the things that had been keeping him on a constant edge.
The terror of leaving Shepard alone on Earth during the final battle, the uncertainty when they were stranded on a foreign planet, the fear and anxiety while sitting next to Shepard’s hospital bed after their return.
In the end he felt a strange dizziness and a long silence followed in which neither of them was sure what to say or do.
Eventually Shepard detangled himself from Kaidan’s grasp. Although it was hard and took a lot of strength, Kaidan was able to meet his glance. The shining blue eyes of Shepard told him all he needed to know and lifted a heavy weight off him, making him feel so much lighter than he had ever.
“You probably don’t want to hear this, but I am sorry, Kaidan. Sorry for leaving you alone, but even more for not paying attention to you. I promise you I won’t go anywhere without you. You’re the best thing that happened to me and I’m not going to waste this ever again. We are here together and we are going to finally live our lives now. So don’t you dare sneak away again, when you’re feeling scared. Understood?” A smile played around Shepard’s lips that grew wider and warmer with every word. “I love you, Kaidan.”
With this Shepard pulled Kaidan closer again and kissed him. Kaidan’s lips greeted Shepard’s and he closed his eyes, shutting away the cold white light of the bathroom as well as each of the horrors that had been hanging in this room. He kissed Shepard back and shifted his weight a little to embrace him closer, even managing to fold his legs around Shepard’s hips.
After a few more intense moments they let go of each other and smiled. Kaidan was almost feeling like his normal self again.
“Maybe we should go back to bed now. These tiles are really cold and uncomfortable,” Shepard winked at Kaidan with sparkling and almost cheerful eyes. He helped the other man stand up and they slowly walked back towards the bedroom.
It wasn’t the last time a nightmare would haunt Kaidan, but now he knew how to chase it away.