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Beth didn't do wine. She didn't do it because most of the time she was working late at the office and drinking while going through criminal files just wasn't the right thing to do. So when she and Alison sometimes met for a drink, she was always cautious as to how many Beth had.
But there was nothing to do and it was already too late when this night, Beth showed up on her doorstep completely plastered.
“What are you doing here ?" Alison exclaimed in a hushed voice, glancing repeatedly back toward the house. “You can't come here right now, the children are upstairs !"
“Sweet." Beth answered in slurred words, intensively staring at the door frame as if it was the most interesting thing to do right now. “Is Donnie here too ?"
“Lower your voice. And no, he's not here, some night with some friends -"
“Now that's fortunate." Beth gave her a smile and tried to get inside before Alison stepped in front of her.
“- but you can't come in, Beth ! You know the rules !" She kept looking around, expecting some neighbours to walk on them at any moment or watching them over the fence, because 1 am was always the time to spy on your neighbours on this side of town .
The look on Beth's face darkened. “For once Alison. For once forget the rules."
“You ! Don't make a noise." said Alison pointing an accusatory finger at Beth before stepping on the side to let Beth in.
“It's warmer in here." stated Beth, rubbing her arms trying to chase away the cold. “You wouldn't want me to die from cold outside. Cause I don't think I'd be able to find my way home right now. I had ... Maybe ... One too many" she added with a childish grin. Which couch can I take ? I wouldn't want to disturb your suburban ways sitting on the wrong one."
Alison would have answered the one on the left which was the farthest from the stairs but Beth had already collapsed on the first she had reached “I don't have suburban ways !" she mumbled, joining Beth on the couch, cross legged, facing the other woman who was lying on her back, head on the arm of the couch.
“Oh Alison ... Trust me you do." Beth replied, trying to lift her feet from the ground to stretch properly on the couch. One of her shoes landed in Alison's laps who knocked it away.
“Your feet Beth, not on the couch !”
Beth didn't answer, merely removed her boots and returned them in Alison's laps raising an eyebrow Alison wasn't sure if it meant “See ?" or just “I so do not care right now."
“Why are you here anyway ? Certainly not to stain my couch with your mud-covered boots.”
Beth gazed away looking for something of interest in the room that was not Alison's worried face. She let out a snort when she realised how low she had fallen. Months ago she was just your average cop looking to step up some levels, she had a boyfriend, a nice place to go home to when she got out of work. Now she was sprawled on Alison's couch, inebriated, looking like a pathetic mess and the only person she could seek comfort in was another version of herself.
“You're gonna have to talk if you don't want me to throw you out in the cold again. I didn't woke up at 1 am for you to fall asleep on me. What is it Beth ?" Alison added in a softer voice.
“I'm a mess Alison." Beth let out in a strangled voice, still not daring to look at the woman on the other end of the couch . “My life's a huge mess and I don't know how to fix it ! I didn't ask for any of this !" She eventually raised her head to meet Alison's gaze. “Did I do something wrong ? Did I do something to deserve this ? Am I that bad of a person that I'm not allowed to be happy ?" Tears were threatening to fall down her cheeks but she didn't want to look that miserable. She tried to wipe her eyes with the back of her hands but that only reddened her eyes even more.
The last bits of reluctance Alison could have had on Beth's presence faded away. She didn't answer because she felt that Beth needed to talk, to trust somebody with what she had to say. She tried to soothe her, manifest her presence at Beth's side by letting one hand rest on her thigh, but the other woman shook her hands off in a frightened reaction and gathered her legs against her torso.
“Don't touch me. Please." she let out, her voice barely a whisper.
“What happened Beth ?"
“Everything's so wrong." Her eyes were back on the carpet, wide open in an almost child-like way. “I shot her. I shot her and now she's dead."
“You shot who ?" Alison asked trying to keep her voice steady even though it has sounded much more higher than usual. What had Beth gotten herself into ...
“She was trying to hurt us, Alison. She would have hurt you. I just ... I don't know. I - I didn't let it happen. But now she's dead and I feel so dirty. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to think about it !”
“Come here." Alison extended her hand toward Beth, inviting her to come closer. The other woman didn't move at first and then shifted position to finally rest her head on Alison's shoulder. Her head buried in the crook of Alison's neck and Alison's arms wrapped around her, Beth eventually burst into tears.
“I can't protect any of us Alison. I can't protect you, I'm not right. It's too heavy."
“You don't have to. Not right now." If Alison was worried about what Beth had done, she didn't show it and let her drown into her, kissing the top of her head in a comforting way.
“I can't do it anymore ... I - You ..." Her voice was broke and hoarse."Can you hold me, please ? Just tonight ... Please ?"
In that moment Alison didn't think about the kids sleeping upstairs, nor did she think about Donnie who could have decided to come home earlier. “You're gonna have to leave, you know ?" She should have told just that, should have told Beth to be cautious, to go home - she remembered Beth didn't want to go home - that would have been the first right step in protecting Beth. But right now, with this woman in her arms, relying on her, trusting her wholly, she was forgetting what was right and what was wrong. For the first time she felt like she was of some importance to someone. And Beth ... Beth who was the strong figure of their broken group, who had always managed to seem steady and collected was asking for her to help her stand.
But not once when holding Beth through the night did she think about herself. As paradoxically enough, what she found in herself was but selfless love.