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I totally lost track of time and space since you walked away.
I don't know how many sleepless nights have passed, soaking your silken pillow and embracing this little pot of jasmines we bought together last time we went to our favourite florist at the outskirts of town, one of our secluded, secret spots. Even now I keep holdin to it for dear life, in a pathetic attempt to grasp something, anything of you left behind, even the faintest trace of your existence into my life.
We know each other so well and it felt right for me just to trust your judgement, to respect your boundaries and the secrets in your life that haunted you forever and kept you up at night. I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I cannot help wondering if maybe mine was just a sort of shallow resignation.
Maybe I didn't fight enough for you, for...us.
Because you know there's always been something unspoken between us. Many of your truths and feelings always remained unspoken for so long, and I thought, I really thought, if I was brave for both of us, maybe I'd show you the beauty of expressing freely your most intimate feelings to someone you felt safe enough to trust, that sometimes it's recklessness, instead of rationality, the one to show you unexpected beautiful sunrises, the warmth of something precious growing between two people who genuinely care for each other, the safety in being exposed as who you truly are.
Only now I realize you were never the one who needed the courage to be honest.
It was me.
And now... You're gone, and I let you.
I let you go. And just that hurts so bad. But that's not it.
I let you go without telling you.
And now I can't anymore.
There's no one now to confess my tender childhood crush on a reserved boy too mature for his age. That since you told me about our first encounter it became my most precious almost-memory in my heart and soul. That these days I barely manage to eat stupid tasteless popsicles to ease the pain, (maybe pathetically hoping you will come back just to scold me because I'm deliberately not taking care of myself). That yours are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my whole life, to the point I once believed they couldn’t be real, that they had to be some kind of special contact lenses, because no way could such a mesmerizing shade of green exist in nature. That for fourteen years I saved my first kiss, my first time, my first everything for someone who left me without a word, someone who never once tried to contact me, someone I didn't even know would ever come back.
And now all of that suddenly became vain and pointless. Because you left without knowing.
No, you know it, because you're too smart and always one step ahead of me.
But that's not the point, is it?
What shatters me is you left without me saying those words to you.
Is it too late now?
Can you somehow hear me?
Please forgive me. I was a coward. I...
I love you, Zayne.
I love you so much it hurts, and I hate being so vulnerable and helpless and selfish in wishing everyday you would just choose to quit fulfilling your grander divine destiny and simply come back to me, so that we could finally be together and happy, as we deserve, living a simple, human love.
But maybe that’s what truly loving someone means.
Letting them go.
I trust you, but I'll always wish you came back.
Before the snow stops, I'll wait for our reunion.
❄️°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*❄️°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*❄️°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*❄️°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*❄️°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*❄️°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*