Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

‘There's no point.’ 

‘Things never work out.’

‘I’m sick of it all.’

Tsunehiro Sasaki slumped forward, arms resting against the metal railing in front of him. That railing, as well as a rusty old sign to the left, were the only “safety” features left at this defunct tourist destination. While the view from this vantage point was breathtaking, visitors no longer felt the need to travel all this way when there were so many things to do in the heart of Tokyo.

Which meant he didn’t have to worry about some tourist or a pair of lovebirds wandering in on what he intended to do.

Tsunehiro wasn’t the kind of guy to take a nature hike or go on dates (in fact, he hadn't done either…), but as he gazed out at the sorbet-colored sky that painted his surroundings a reddish-golden hue, even he could admit that it was a one-in-a-kind view.

If his life were normal, or heck, even below-average, maybe he could have brought a date here. But really, who would choose to be with a lazy, pathetic, no-good, debt-ridden guy like him?

Waves crashed against the base of the cliff below, interrupting his self-deprecating train of thought. The salty sea breeze ruffled Tsunehiro’s messy hair while his tired eyes gazed blankly at the distant horizon line. He watched the orange ball of fire creep closer to the water, looking as if the sea might snuff out its very existence the closer it got.

The corner of Tsunehiro's lips curled up into a faint, somber smile.

It was laughably poetic to compare the impending end of his miserable life to such a nice view. It also wasn't the best analogy, considering the sun would inevitably rise again tomorrow, while he…well, whatever! He didn’t have to worry about passing classes anymore, so what did it matter if he made a shitty analogy to lighten the mood??

Folding his arms back behind his head, Tsunehiro watched the lowest part of the sun dip out of view. Even though he was planning to end things tonight, he felt eerily calm. He remembered hearing about how people felt relief at the thought of ending it all…and now, he understood it. After he made up his mind, the anxiety he felt from the overbearing debt that had been hanging over his head for the past few months, along with the knowledge that his illness-inspired expiration date was getting closer with each passing day, started to dissipate.

The fact that he had even managed to enjoy the natural beauty of a sunset like this, something he never would have bothered taking the time to appreciate before, only proved that something in his messed-up head had changed – seemingly for the better.

Either way, Tsunehiro had made his choice. He spent the day doing everything he felt needed to be done, too.

While the sun crept lower, Tsunehiro reached into his pocket to pull out the crumpled-up convenience store napkin on which he had written his agenda for the day.

• sleep in ✓

• eat the last cup of ramen (in the shitty apartment I can’t afford) ✓

• play pachinko

• eat a NICE dinner (if pachinko works in my favor?)

• call mom text mom ✓

• watch the sunset

Gazing at the scrawled-out list – half of which got crossed out due to how much the universe royally hated him –  Tsunehiro couldn’t help but hang his head in disappointment.

“I'm seriously pathetic…” he muttered as he crumpled up the napkin in his hands, feeling like it was only more evidence showing how much of a loser he was. He couldn't even come up with a somewhat decent list of fun things to do before ending it all! Well – besides pachinko, which he had scratched off once he noticed those damn loan sharks lurking around outside, like they had some kind of sixth-sense tracker on him…along with getting good food, which wasn’t possible due to his inability to win money from pachinko…

Tsunehiro crouched down to the floor while holding onto the railing above him.

He had hoped to talk to his mom, at the very least. To try and be somewhat of a good son, after how much he disappointed his parents when he flunked the entrance exams to all of his top university picks.

Sure, they agreed to pay his tuition to his crappy second option, but it wasn't like he was bothering to focus on classes. Not when he got himself caught up in the trenches of the stock market…

Crunch.

The sudden sound startled Tsunehiro, jolting him up from his crouched position, only to hit his head against the railing, which sent him careening back to the ground with a yelp as he clutched his head between his hands. After the momentary pain subsided, his eyes darted around the area, half expecting to see those damn loan sharks walking over… However, he let out a sigh of relief when his eyes landed on a lone seagull rummaging through the brush.

Moving a hand to his chest, Tsunehiro let out a half-hearted laugh while gripping his shirt as his heart pounded against his chest.

This…this was the kind of panic-inducing stress that he needed to escape from. Seriously, if his terminal illness wasn't something that ensured he’d die young, a heart attack undoubtedly would.

He was tired of running away from all of the mistakes he had made in his life.

No matter how far he ran, they always managed to catch up to him…

Tsunehiro let his body fall limp on the ground, bringing his hands up to cover his face as thoughts of the debt he had racked up flashed through his mind.

His parents cared enough to pay his tuition, even when he flunked entrance exams and ended up at his backup school. That was why he really wanted to get the chance to talk to his mom. If only to thank her. However, when he called earlier, she didn’t answer. The moment the call went voicemail, Tsunehiro panicked over what to say before quickly hanging up. He hadn’t planned what to say if she didn’t pick up, after all. The next three minutes were spent stressing over what to do with the sudden change in plans, only to send her a text message that he had read and re-written about 50 times before settling with “didn’t mean to call you, everything’s fine!”

Son of the year.

Tsunehiro slowly lowered his hands from his face. Sure, it had been a lie, but not for long.

Everything would be fine…once he was out of the picture. 

Speaking of – Tsunehiro picked his head up to look back at the sunset, only to catch the last sliver of sun being consumed by the ocean below.

He had gotten so carried away in his thoughts that he missed most of the view. It was still work checking off, though, right? For one last serotonin boost…

Tsunehiro blinked.

The list.

Looking at his empty hands, realization slowly came together – he dropped it when that gull startled him!

Sitting up, he noticed the crumpled napkin on the ground a foot or so past the railing. Scrambling onto his knees, Tsunehiro crawled beneath the railing, reaching his hand out as the wad of paper trembled from the breeze.

"Don't you dare–" he muttered under his breath as he strained himself to stretch a bit closer, his fingertips barely brushing against the napkin.

He wanted to feel some sense of accomplishment before dying, damn it!

He deserved at least that much…right?

Tsunehiro’s fingers eventually clasped around the napkin, his eyes lighting up as he pulled it back over.

"Finally…one thing went right…" he murmured as he sat up and unfolded the paper.

Even if he hadn't paid attention the whole time, Tsunehiro wanted to make it a point to check off the last item on his list. He held the napkin on the ground with one hand before reaching into his other pocket. After fishing out his pen, he leaned in with expectation.

The tip of his pen touched the napkin, drawing a checkmark – or, that was the plan, anyway. 

Tsunehiro blinked as he stared at the barely legible remnants of ink, which looked more like a smudge than a checkmark. He tried once more, only to be met with a thoroughly blank indent.

Growing frustrated, he scribbled circles in the hopes that the ink would show up. Unfortunately, all he was left with was a tear in the napkin – a gaping hole in place of the last sense of accomplishment he had hoped to achieve.

All Tsunehiro could do was blankly gaze at the sight before begrudgingly stuffing the paper back into his pocket. He shouldn’t be surprised, not when everything seemed to go wrong for him. Maybe he was cursed – or did something in a previous life that left this unrelenting mark of disappointment on everything he attempted to do. Gazing out at the horizon, a bittersweet melancholy fell over him as the warm colors in the sky cooled down.

His decision had led him to this moment, and since he had completed the last item on his list, there was only one thing left to do.

Tsunehiro turned back towards the railing before cautiously climbing over. Once he managed to climb to the other side, he shuffled his way over to the edge of the cliff.

As Tsunehiro stood in such a precarious position, everything felt a lot clearer.

The pink and orange hues that were previously painting the sky had started to shift into an indigo blue, with speckles here and there from the first few stars lighting up the early evening sky.

The ocean breeze felt even stronger as he stood with the railing behind him, the salty air having grown noticeably cooler now that the sun had disappeared for the day.

Tsunehiro wrapped his arms around himself, a small shiver reverberating down his spine. As he shuffled forward more, he made the mistake of looking down, which sent a tremor of dread through him. It was a lot higher than he anticipated. That, coupled with the powerful waves crashing against the bottom portion of the cliff, made him freeze.

He had debated how to do it. Way too many times. As broke as he was, his options were limited. And when he attempted to use a rope, it hadn't held. So, this ended up being his last resort…all he had to do was fall.

Foolproof.

Right?

That thought was what led him to this oceanside cliff. But now, as he was standing on the edge, second thoughts were starting to appear in his mind.

‘It's a long way down.’

‘Those waves are scary–’

‘Will I crash into the rocks? Drown? A painful mixture of both…?’ 

Tsunehiro gripped the fabric of his shorts, the flurry of agonizing questions making it hard to take another step. He shut his eyes tight, attempting to steel his nerves. Even if all that were to happen, it'd be over quickly. 

Probably.

Tsunehiro gulped.

“Either way, it'll be faster than waiting for this stupid illness to get me…!” He suddenly exclaimed, slapping his face with his hands to try and snap himself out of chickening out.

That's right. It'd be better to go on his own terms than whatever long, potentially painful death his illness fated him with!

And so, with a shaky breath –

‘Five…’

Tsunehiro shut his eyes –

‘Four…’

Turned around –

‘Three…’

Took a cautious step back –

‘Tw—!’

Tsunehiro’s eyes darted open, his arms instinctively flailing as his heel met air before the weight of his body and the power of gravity dragged him down.

All thoughts left his mind in that moment, time seeming to slow down as his hands desperately grasped at the air around him. They sought something, anything, that might stop the harm that was quickly approaching – his body on autopilot, protesting against the decision his mind had made.

He fell –

Helplessly watching as the sight of the cliff grew smaller –

As the sound of waves crashing below him grew closer –

Unable to scream, his breath catching in his throat –

‘I don’t want this!!’

In that moment, a flash of regret shot through his mind before he became engulfed by the cold, salty sea. Tossing and turning him with no way of knowing which way was up or down. With his eyes shut tight, Tsunehiro braced himself for the inevitable impact that would put an end to all of this – he just hoped it'd be quick.

However, that impact didn't come.

As Tsunehiro felt his body disorientedly tugged every which way, and water began to fill his lungs, one thought went through his mind before everything slowly faded to black.

‘All I wanted…’

‘...’

‘...was an easy way out…’

‘...’

‘..’

‘.’