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What’s his problem…?
Shinji wasn’t really sure why Nagisa Kaworu, of all people, kept staring at him during English class. Because of him, he couldn’t concentrate on what the teacher was saying so he looked away timidly to escape the other guy’s gaze. Was he judging him ? Why did he fix him with such great insistence ? Shinji didn’t even do anything to him, they only spoke to each other a few times for pointless things related to class, so why…? Kaworu’s staring made him anxious as he refused any eye contact with him and tried to think about anything else but him.
Shinji felt relieved when the bell ranged. Finally, the day was over and the weekend could begin. He just wanted to go home to play Tomodachi Life on his Switch. Little did he know that his torments were only starting when the teacher spoke before students could leave.
“For Monday, you will be paired randomly with another classmate to present a paper about one famous personality of your choice.” Shinji sighed at the assignment, hoping he would at least be paired with Rei.
“...Ikari-kun, you will be with Nagisa-kun.”
Shit. The teenager felt horrified at the thought of working with him of all people. It isn’t that the guy was actually mean or a terrible person. In fact, he was the opposite : far way too perfect for Shinji ! The contrast between both was like the sun and moon. Kaworu was popular, smart, always surrounded by people and comparable to light itself. He never did nor said anything wrong. Because he could do anything, he could do everything, he seemed to know everything. And he was attractive. What did Shinji have for himself ? The boy was just a nobody, an awkward and introverted loser with only two friends. He just didn't know how to act or what to do with his classmate.
“Hello, Ikari-kun.” Shinji almost had a heart attack, too lost in his thoughts to notice the other’s presence.
“H-Hello, Nagisa-kun…”
“Since we are together for this assignment, do you want to start working right now ?“ Kaworu seemed quite happy to be working with him. A tender smile never left his face as he watched Shinji with soft eyes. The latter fidgeted with his fingers as he put away his class things. Of course the perfect, the model student wanted to complete the assignment right after it was given to him.
“Uh… Sure.“ The sooner it was done, the sooner he would be calm.
“Is it okay if we go to your house ? For the project. I live rather far away and I don’t want you to go home too late. If you agree.“
Oh, this was bad.
“…Yes, we can go to my house.” Shinji cursed himself for that and wanted to disappear while Kaworu looked at him with a gentle smile. It was going to be hell. Why did he accept it !?
Ultimately, it wasn’t as bad as Shinji thought. Maybe he exaggerated a little too much. The walk home was kind of great, actually. They talked about different things other than school, and Shinji felt strangely comfortable conversing with the perfect boy. He even felt some kind of remorses, seeming to have judged the other rather quickly. Kaworu was nice. He was sweet and kind, unlike the stereotypes of the popular students. And Shinji was maybe a bit glad he got to be paired with him for the project.
They already arrived at Shinji’s home, too fastly for his taste. Hopefully his parents weren’t home, so they could work in the living room freely and Shinji wouldn’t feel too anxious with Karowu in his own bedroom.
“M-Make yourself at home.“ The other boy nodded as he hummed a bit of Ode to Joy, a soft smile on his lips. What a weirdo.
Shinji’s apprehension from earlier seemed to have calmed down. That didn’t mean Kaworu’s presence made him feel completely peaceful, but at least he knew the other wasn’t as bad as he thought. The teenagers took pens, papers and phones, ready to begin the assignment. Kaworu looked at Shinji with those tender eyes of his, like he did back in school. The anxious boy raised an eyebrow as a little blush appeared on his face because of the other’s gaze.
“So… which famous personality do you want to work on, Nagisa-kun ?“
“No idea. But you seem to already have someone in mind, don’t you ? Who is it ?“ How did he know ? Strange.
“Indeed, I was thinking of… Jean de la Fontaine…! I like his stories and it’s quite amusing and entertaining… If that’s okay with you, of course !“ Silence.
“... Who's that ?” Kaworu asked, looking at Shinji with a genuinely intrigued look.
“Huh ? You don't know… Who Jean de la Fontaine… is ?” Shinji was stunned. What was that ?
Kaworu shook his head from left to right bluntly. For once in his life, Shinji felt smart. He felt smarter than Kaworu ! That was a big victory for him and his ego. But he was still shocked that the great Kaworu didn't know the guy. Shinji was more and more curious about him. But now wasn't the time to wander, they had an assignment to do, and Shinji just wanted to be done with it.
After about an hour of work, Kaworu suddenly closed his notebook and looked at Shinji, who was reading something on his phone. Noticing the gaze upon him, the teenager raised his eyes to meet the other’s and felt a little shy. Kaworu was staring at him with that usual smile and Shinji just didn’t know why.
“What ? Why are you looking at me like that ? I have something on my face or what ?“
“Yes, you have something on your face. Beauty.“ What the hell was Kaworu’s problem !?
Shinji almost choked on his own saliva as redness quickly spread on his cheeks. He tried to bury his embarrassment by turning his head, but he could hear Kaworu laughing gently at him. Not in a mean way or anything, just in a tender way. Shinji was too stunned to answer and decided to focus on his notebook, hiding his face behind it. He attempted to ignore the fast heartbeats inside his ribcage and the way his body was reacting so much just from one sudden compliment. Maybe it was him who had a problem after all. Why was he behaving like that in the first place ? He blamed everything on the anxiety. Or Kaworu. Right, it was all Kaworu’s fault. He couldn’t believe what this guy had just said to him.
Shinji’s mind was divided ; on one hand, he was glad. Happy that someone told him a nice thing. On the other hand, he knew it couldn’t be true. Shinji wasn’t beautiful. Kaworu was just making fun of him. He should have seen it coming, no one could find someone like Shinji beautiful. There was nothing beautiful or even nice about him. Kaworu was just like the others, at the end.
Spiralling in his own thoughts, Shinji didn’t notice Kaworu moving his chair to sit closer to him.
“I’m sorry, Ikari-kun. I didn’t mean to make you feel uneasy.” Shinji’s head perked up to watch the other boy, curious. He was still smiling at him. However, he seemed to be kind of concerned. Shinji’s blush widened despite him.
“It’s…nothing.” Shinji looked away with frowned brows, refusing to meet Kaworu’s eyes. “But please, don’t make jokes like that, it’s weird. And not funny at all.“
“Jokes ?”
“You were joking about me. I don’t like that.“ Kaworu’s smile dropped as he lightly tilted his head in confusion.
“I don’t understand, Ikari-kun. I wasn’t joking.”
Shinji dropped his notebook and clenched his fists, clearly annoyed. Finally, he looked at the other with a furious stare. Why was he angry in the first place ? He knew deep down that no one, let alone Kaworu of all people, would want to be with him. To work with him. To like him. Maybe Shinji thought they could become acquaintances, or even friends. Maybe he wanted that despite finding the other weird and too good for him. Shinji’s own self-issues were again causing problems. That was probably why he had only 2 friends. He thought he could bury those thoughts, but Kaworu’s presence just made them more noticeable. And Shinji didn’t know if he was feeling envious of him or wanted to be close to him. Probably both at the same time.
Kaworu approached Shinji, trying to understand what was happening.
“Ikari-kun ? What’s the matter ? You can tell m-” Without warning, Kaworu was stopped when Shinji pushed him, almost causing him to fall. He looked at the other with surprise and confusion.
“What’s the matter !? The matter is that you’re making fun of me and I don’t like that, I told you ! And why were you so eager to be paired with me in class, anyway ? You always smile at me, you always look at me…Don’t even try to play dumb because I’ve seen you doing so ! It’s just… weird. I feel weird.” Kaworu was troubled and didn't know what Shinji was getting at. It’s true that he was sometimes, often, watching the other boy. Was there anything wrong with that ?
“I just wanted to be your friend. I found you quite endearing, Ikari-kun. You are cute, and you have a delicate heart, I can sense it.“ Kaworu’s straightforward honesty made Shinji silent.
The latter looked at Kaworu. He still couldn’t grasp what was going on in the other teenager’s head, but by the way he softly smiled and stared at him, he seemed to be authentic. It was Kaworu’s presence that caused Shinji’s anger at the beginning, yet it was Kaworu’s presence that calmed him down. Even Shinji couldn’t truly comprehend his own mind. The boy in front of him had such a gentle and ethereal aura, Shinji was under the impression that Kaworu was an angel.
Shinji suddenly looked down, shame and anxiety overwhelming his body and thoughts. No, he couldn’t cry just for that. He hated himself for behaving like that. Kaworu tenderly took Shinji’s hand and began to caress the back of it with his thumb.
“Ikari-kun.” Kaworu’s voice was soft, Shinji thought. He liked it. “I’m truly sorry if I made you nervous. I promise that all I’ve said is true, I do find you beautiful. I should have talked to you instead of just looking at you all the time. That was a strange behaviour of mine.”
“You’re just weird.” Kaworu chuckled.
“Maybe.”
“Not maybe. Definitely.” Shinji lightly smiled, raising his head to have a better look at Kaworu’s face. Pretty face. He was even more beautiful up close. That thought made his heart beat faster as red cheeks showed up despite him, again. His body was reacting before he could even reason. Kaworu was still caressing Shinji’s hand with tenderness, making him relax and feel more comfortable. Nevertheless, he was still questioning the other boy’s strange conduct.
“Why do you want to be friends with me, Nagisa-kun ? I’m not… the kind of guy you’d want to know. I mean, you’re popular, you excel at everything, you’re smart… Well, most of the time… You’re just perfect ! And I’m just me. I’m nothing like you. I’m not as kind as you, or as handsome as you, or-”
“You find me handsome ?“ Shinji just realized what he had said and immediately hid behind his notebook, face completely red. Is it weird to find another guy handsome…? “Ah, sorry ! That wasn’t to make fun of you. I’m just surprised. And very happy, to be honest.”
Shinji mustered up courage and lightly raised his head to watch the other boy’s expression. Kaworu was…blushing ? Shinji never saw him like that, even with girls at school. It was the first time.
“Thank you for your kind words, Ikari-kun. They mean a lot to me.”
“You still didn’t answer my question… What interests you in me ? Why wanting to be friends with me, instead of someone el-”
“Because I like you.” What the hell ? It was too much for Shinji, as he felt overwhelmed by too much love so suddenly for his poor heart. Love ? Kaworu smiled and took both of Shinji’s hands in his own, always with an angelic and delicate grace. “I think I love you is more appropriate to describe my feelings for you.” Could he just shut up, or Shinji wouldn’t see another day alive.
“Wh- what- but- how !? I mean… uh… we’re both boys, and-“ Kaworu laughed quietly at Shinji’s reaction, not seeming to care at all. Still, Shinji was astounded by that unexpected confession. Someone, Kaworu of all people, just confessed his love for him. Was he dreaming or something ? This all felt too real, his fast heartbeats, the heat of his body, the red on his cheeks and his mind spiralling like hell. This sentiment seemed new, mixed with pain and pleasure. He couldn’t put words on that for now, but at least he knew that he didn’t hate Kaworu. Sure, he was weird and too blunt sometimes. But he wasn’t a bad person at all..
Kaworu slowly pulled apart his hands from Shinji’s.
“Ikari-kun, I don’t know exactly what you feel, but I’m not especially waiting for an answer to what I said. I just want you to be comfortable and happy. I apologize if I was too straightforward.“ Kaworu was surprisingly considerate of Shinji’s feelings, something he wasn’t used to. Even if he didn’t know what to answer or how to act, he knew he liked him at least a little. Kaworu had been honest and Shinji wanted to do the same.
“O-okay… then, you can, maybe…have dinner with us tonight ? My parents will soon be home, so…” It wasn’t exactly what Shinji wanted to say, but he was still too overwhelmed by his feelings to think about all that crazy situation. He just wanted to change the subject for his own good.
“It will be with pleasure, Ikari-kun. Thank you.“ Kaworu smiled again, that so gentle and tender smile that made Shinji blush again.
“I’m sorry… for how I reacted earlier, Nagisa-kun.”
“It’s okay, Ikari-kun. And you can just call me Kaworu.”
“Got it… You can call me Shinji, Nagi- Kaworu-kun.”
Right after, Yui and Gendo came home from work at the laboratory. Shinji felt relieved as he stood up to unusually greet his parents, while Kaworu kept looking fondly at him.
He’s so cute.