Chapter Text
1. Coming Back from Flat-line
The noise that awoke Katsuki Bakugo was piercing. The pitch screamed in his ear, exactly like the sound of a heart monitor flat-lining. He tried to reach up and cover his ears. He wanted to shrink away from that horrible noise. He realized dimly that only one of his arms moved up toward his head, and that covering the ear on his left side did nothing to deaden the sound. He wondered who was dying.
Was he dying? Was he dead?
Unbidden, images of the battle flashed before his eyes. He remembered awakening on the battle field. He remembered taking Izuku's hand and launching towards All Might with a speed and purpose he had never felt before. He remembered flashes of his fight against the quickly de-aging nutsack face, and the freedom of flying amidst the raindrops and the starlight flashes of his explosions.
“Hahaha, I'm going too fast!” The thrill burbled up inside of him, remembering the impossible speed. Then his heart clutched, and he remembered the immense pain and the adrenaline that had kept him running even as he should be dead upon the ground. Each sparkle of his quirk, another flash of pain.
Another flash, later, he thinks: He had been on a gurney surrounded by medical personnel. They had been trying to hook him up to something. Someone had been shouting at him to calm down. Arms had tried to restrain him.
There hands grip him tightly. He tries to recoil. He hates the touch. They can't hold him here.
He could feel it like an electric shock running up his spine, as sure as Sparky jabbing him with his quirk. Something was wrong.
It was like he could taste it in the very air. The nerd's fight wasn't over yet. Katsuki was letting him down by not being there.
“Izuku...” He had ground out, finding the strength to pull himself back up. “Izuku needs my help.” His body had moved before he had time to think. The cries of field triage faded away into the background as he blasted off. He wasn't even sure where he was going – but Izuku needed him. He had promised that the nerd wouldn't have to carry the load all by himself.
“But don’t you dare let me surpass you, Izuku!!”
Katsuki sat up, the word “Izuku” still on his lips. His blue hospital shirt was clinging to him, drenched in cold sweat. He looked around the room with wide eyes, trying to make sense of the white walls and sterile smells. He turned his head stiffly, trying to find the source of the incessant high pitched whine in his ears. The monitor he found was squiggling steadily with his own heart rate, a little high, but certainly not the source of his annoyance.
In fact, the longer he stared at the monitor the more he realized that he was barely hearing the accompanying beep as it tracked his heart.
Why the hell is everything so quiet? Everything except for that damn flat-line sound.
A soft touch on his knee nearly made him crawl out of his skin. He flinched, throwing up his left hand in defense, and looked up to see his mom and dad had somehow come into the room without his knowledge. They were mirroring back his look of fear.
“What's happening? Why did you sneak up on me like that?” He asked. It sounded like he was under water. He shook his head, trying to clear away the feeling.
His dad flinched and took his hand back. “Katsuki, --n't sneak. I was speaking to -- I walked over.” Katsuki tilted his head, noticing that his dad was straining to speak. He couldn't tell if it was emotion or something else. He kept missing words, like his dad was mumbling.
“Damn it kid, just wait for the doctor before you go freaking out, okay?” His mother's voice came in almost normal, if not a little muffled.
Freaking out? That felt unfair, considering he was keeping an uncharacteristically tight control on the rising prickle of fear that was trying to claw at his heart. He opened his mouth to argue with her, but something else tumbled out instead.
“Can someone turn off that damn sound?” Katsuki complained. His parents jumped and looked at one another, then looked at him with something that felt suspiciously like pity. He could feel a bubble of anger welling up in his chest beside that wriggling feeling that was already taking hold. “I'm not trying to be a brat, but it's damn annoying! It's so loud, I can barely think.” When they still didn't respond he could feel the bubble threatening to burst. “I said, make it STOP!”
“Katsuki, -- have to -- down.” His father was reaching for him again, and Katsuki realized his left hand was clutching at his ear, trying to drown out the sound. Black dots floated in his vision, and he started to feel like there was a weight on his chest, pressing him down into the bed. Like gravity had been turned up without his consent.
His mom was looking at his heart monitor, the color draining from her face. Behind her a few people in hospital attire started to come into his room, all looking at him with grim lines on their faces. He could see them speak, but he couldn't hear anything over the damn screeching sound.
And then the darkness overtook him once more, and blissfully it was quiet again.
~*~*~*~*~*~
When he awoke next, the ringing in his ears had died down to a persistent but tolerable hum. It sounded like someone had left a television on in another room. A low, electrical humming. He could also vaguely make out the beeping of his heart monitor, and a grumble of conversation.
“We are treating him for the damage to his ears as -- can. He is already on antibiotics because of his -- surgery, so if the hearing -- impacted by an ear infection, then it will be covered. We don't want to put him on steroids, because it could slow his -- since he may need further surgery we want to avoid that at all costs. After we do some tests, we will know more about how serious the loss is. He might need hearing aids...”
Katsuki could feel his face go cold. Hearing loss? Is that why he was missing words?
“He's honestly lucky he hadn't been -- with problems related to the sounds of -- explosions before now.”
“I don't know if you saw the footage, doctor, but something was different about Katsuki's quirk during that fight. He's always been a bit of a grenade, but...” Mitsuki paused, weighing her words. “nothing like that. I didn't know my son was capable of...that.” There was awe in her voice, and a softness that Katsuki couldn't remember hearing from her often. He had to clear his throat when it threatened to choke him.
The adults turned to look at him, and he could feel his cheeks turn pink under their eyes.
“My quirk messed up my hearing?” Katsuki asked, his voice too small. Fragile. He hated it.
Another flash of battle welled up before his eyes. His body was moving faster than he could think, dodging the attacks from Shigaraki, the pain from his shattered arm and his overactive quirk making it hard for him to focus.
“You're already an old pro at this, aren't you Izuku?”
He remembered thinking about Deku in that moment, all those times he had broken his bones as he learned to control One For All. Not just that, Katsuki finds himself thinking, pulling on the thread as it continues to unravel. All the pain he had gone through. Even before he made that “borrowed quirk” his own, Izuku had been putting himself through hell on the path to becoming a hero.
Hearing loss. A battered heart. An arm that felt like it was on fire with pain. All the price of his own quirk and his desire to be a hero. Katsuki had always known the path would cost him. Wishes come true, not free, as they say. He had always known what to expect, hadn't he? Hadn't they all? A small wiggling feeling in his stomach made him feel a lot less sure.
“Hey, kid. It'll be okay. There are things the doctors can do to help!” Mitsuki said, discomfort etched into her face. “There's no need to cry.”
“Hah? Who's crying?” He yelled back, reaching up gently with his left hand to touch his face. His fingers glistened with the truth of her words. He swiped his arm across his face, trying to avoid the bandages as he scrubbed. “Damn it, I'm not crying about my hearing. I just...” His voice cracked, and he stopped before it got worse.
They had all given up so much. The price of being a hero. Katsuki wondered if he had truly been so naive.
Mercifully the doctor stepped in before he could spiral down the path his thoughts had wanted follow. Katsuki let the man drone on about options, and future medications, and potential surgeries that could be explored after he was more recovered. He mentioned the possibility of hearing aids built by support companies that would be able to accommodate the needs of his quirk.
“Your arm will never be the same again,” The doctor switched topics with an abruptness that brought Katsuki back into himself, “We were able to piece the bones back enough that you haven't lost it, but it is unlikely that it will ever be fully functional. You could consider a prosthetic. It has worked for heroes like Mirko.”
“No, I need my arms. That's how I use my quirk” He replied, determination etching into his words. The doctor frowned at him, and began to caution him about all the work it would take, and that he wouldn't even be able to begin that work until his heart was fully healed. There was mention of more surgery for that, as well.
He let himself drown under the overwhelming information about how things would never be the same, and let it carry him off into the sweet embrace of sleep once again. It was all too much to worry about now. He could worry about the complications of living later. He still needed to make sure that Izuku was okay. As soon as he could keep his eyes open long enough to check.
Damn his body for betraying him.
~*~*~*~*~
As soon as his eyes opened, Katsuki pulled himself up out of the bed. His chest was screaming, and his arm wrenched and ached as he lifted himself from the bed. It dangled uselessly at his side, and the feeling of gravity pulling down on his shoulder made him grit his teeth. He grabbed the monitor that was attached to him and used it as support.
He made it to the door of his room before he was spotted. Mitsuki and Masaru approached him slowly, like they were going to trap a wild animal. The glare he shot them was withering enough that they didn't dare to touch him.
“Katsuki Bakugo, you need to get back in that bed right now! You're going to rip out your stitches. You want to bleed out, you damned brat?” His mother's voice was strained with an emotion he couldn't identify. He'd almost say she sounded scared of him.
He made a strangled sound, as he pushed himself into the hall. One step. Another. He cursed under his breath, willing himself to move.
“I need to see that All Might is okay. And Izuku.” The words came out so softly that he wasn't even sure he'd spoken them out loud until he heard his father say a room number. He could hear his mother yelling at him as he staggered away in the direction of the room.
Every step was agony. The pain made him feel like his chest was in a vice, squeezing him tighter with every inch he gained towards his goal. He couldn't dwell on that right now, though. He had to know that those two were okay. He had to see Izuku with his own eyes. Last time, after Izuku's previous battle with Shigaraki, Katsuki had been too late. He'd waited too long, and Izuku had run off. He'd left. Katsuki couldn't be too late a second time.
As he approached the room his father had mentioned, he could hear a murmur beyond the door that sounded like Izuku. For the first time since he'd regained consciousness, he felt a lightness in his chest. Izuku was safe. He was alive –
“...just the embers, now.”
Those words hit Katsuki straight in the gut. He wants to double over them, wretch around them, vomit them out.
His mother apologized to the two men in the room and tried to grab at Katsuki, pull him back out of the room, but he finds himself stumbling forward. She reluctantly lets go, clearly not wanting to put too much pressure on him, or risk hurting him.
“Kacchan! I'm so glad you're okay!” Izuku's voice is warm and bright, his eye bright and focused on him. The other covered by a bandage.. The sight leaves Katsuki feeling unmoored, as though he is being tossed about in a storm. The sickening feeling wells up even further within his throat.
“Hey...did you just...” His voice feels foreign in his throat, “did you just say that there's only an ember?” Izuku's gaze continues to meet him without reaction, and he can feel his eyes begin to sting with tears. “You don't mean that! No...You're quirkless again?”
That damned smile stays on Izuku's lips as he nods. The smile on his lips doesn't sparkle in his eye the way Katsuki has come to expect it.
“I'm back to the person I was in the first place. Not that I regret it or anything.” His voice wavers for a second. “For a little while I got to live out an incredible dream.”
Katsuki can hardly hear Izuku's declaration over the sudden ringing in his ears. He feels his hand twitch uselessly at his side, willing it not to grasp up towards his ear.
This isn't how it was supposed to end, he thought. The damn nerd had worked so hard. He had thrown himself at every obstacle in his way. He had even rocketed ahead of Katsuki himself.
Damn it. Damn it all, this isn't right. It isn't fair!
Unbidden, the images of their fight at Ground Beta flashed through his mind. Izuku's fire and determination in the face of Katsuki's unquenchable rage. The moment that Katsuki had been able to see him, truly, beyond all the shitty childhood things that had piled up between them.
“So I'll go even higher!” Izuku had promised.
More unwelcome yet came the vision of his reaction after the entrance exam. Izuku shoved into the wall, his face one of foolish bravery in the face of Katsuki's indignation.
“What dirty trick did you use? A quirkless guy like you would never pass the exam!”
Katsuki flinches as the self-hatred deep within him delivers a final, heavy blow.
“You wanna be a hero so bad? There might be another way. Pray you'll be born with a quirk in the next life, and take a swan dive off the roof of the building!”
Izuku's face, bandaged but still impossibly smiling, comes back into focus. Something snaps in Katsuki's fragile heart, threatening to tear him apart. Everything goes fuzzy as the tears begin to come – a drizzle and then all at once, a flood. This was not how things were supposed to end! Just like with All Might – Katsuki couldn't help but feel responsible.
He can feel himself stuttering something as he swipes at the tears that won't stop. A distant part of him wonders if this is how Izuku feels, crying all the time. It's Izuku's voice that finally grounds him, echoing his own thoughts.
“You're crying?”
“I... what the hell did I do to you?” His voice cracks, and he can feel the sobs rip from his throat. All Might's final stand flashes before his eyes. Then Deku's follows on its heels. Bitterly, he finds himself thinking that they both gave up their power because he wasn't strong enough.
Why aren't you angry? How can you sit there and smile at a time like this?
Katsuki could feel an old anger welling up for a moment. It was the ugly old feeling that he had conjured back when he tried to convince himself that he hated Deku. The old anger, born from a fear of his unwavering goodness. The goodness that was trying to shine through in this impossibly dark moment. He loved him for it. He hated him for it.
A soft tug on his shirt, barely a whisper of touch, cuts his spiral short. He uncovers his face to see Izuku regarding him with an unnerving, unwavering calm. The only thing that has shifted is that he's finally lost that damn, fake ass smile.
“Stop.” He demands gently. “That's not like you.”
Katsuki hides his face again, trying in vain to stop the tears again. He wants to say something. He needs to be honest. They've been through so much. He owes Izuku that much. There had been so many things left unsaid between them. The words jumble as he tries to push them out, afraid he'll close the door on his own emotions if he takes too long.
“I just thought...that we would keep...keep”
The memory from earlier invades, threatening to drown him.
“Don't you dare let me surpass you, Izuku!”
“We would keep competing. Chasing after each other...our whole lives!” The words crackle out of him, escaping from the iron bars he usually keeps locked around his emotions.
“You gotta cut that out,” Izuku is crying now, too. His face passes over a kaleidoscope of emotions that Katsuki has seen on his face before, but they pass so quickly that Katsuki feels winded trying to keep up. Then the tell-tale warble in his voice is back, even as he tries to keep the cheerful facade up. “It isn't like you, and I've still got the ember.” He pauses, but when Katsuki still seems unmoved, he continues, trying to bring some lightness back.
“I bet you're just emotional because you got banged up.”
An unexpected pain seizes at Katsuki upon those words. He feels the crush of it take his breath away. Of course Izuku thought this was the stress of a hard battle wearing on his emotions. Even after the apology that day in the rain, Katsuki had never had the chance to clear the air. To tell Izuku what he was really feeling. There had been no time, really, and even now it felt like the words he wanted to say became glue in his mouth.
Before Katsuki could compose himself, All Might began to speak. His speech was kind, loving, inspiring. He had managed to bring them all to a smile.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Katsuki still felt a gnawing pit in his stomach as his mother and father finally collected him and shuffled him back off to his room. As he lay in his hospital bed, he found his mind filling with all the things he still needed to say. He just hoped he wouldn't be too chicken shit to say them when he had the chance. Hadn't he put it all off long enough?
God, he hoped he hadn't waited too long.