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It was when they woke up after the battle that they knew they couldn’t stay in Erebor. For all that they loved and respected their Uncle, they couldn’t stay in the place that had almost cost them everything that they were. They couldn’t stay in a place where their bond would be used against them by other dwarves who were hungry for power or wanted excuses to hurt their family. The people they knew from home knew that they had been carved for each other by Mahal, but there were the other dwarven realms that didn’t know and may not accept the fact that a pair of brothers were bonded Ones.
No, they could not stay in Erebor where they would have to fight another battle just to be who they already were against those who would want their dwarrow dams to marry into the royal family.
They knew Thorin, Dis and the Company would stand behind them and support them, but they couldn’t ask that of any of them. They would have their hands full trying to rebuild the kingdom and make Erebor a home again. They could not put their needs above that of their family, but they would not put Erebor’s needs above their own survival.
Of course, as it sometimes happened, they didn’t realize immediately that they were both resolved to the same decision.
Fili thought that he was the first one to think of leaving. He hadn’t had the chance to bring it up to Kili because his younger brother was still weaker than Oin was happy about. An infection had set in the stab wound to his chest and he wasn’t recovering as quickly as Fili was. As he had sat next to his brother’s bed and watched Kili sleep fitfully and held his hand, he came to the realization that he would never be happy in this mountain kingdom.
It was Thorin’s home. It was Dis’ home. It was the home of so many other dwarves -- good and bad. But it wasn’t his home. It wasn’t Kili’s home. It wasn’t their home.
He thought about it for a few days, knowing that there were pros and cons to such a huge decision. However, it didn’t take much time for him to decide that it was the right thing to do. Feeling lighter than he had in awhile, he went to the medical to sit with his brother only to be faced with an annoyed Oin and one of his assistants.
“Kili left his bed while we were tending to others and we don’t know where he has gone to.”
Fili sighed, running a hand over his face. “I’ll find him and bring him back, Oin.”
He at least he hoped he could find his brother before he did something that would come back and cause everyone around them even more problems.
After some time of searching, Fili finally found Kili in the one place he hadn’t thought to look when he started the search. It was only that he needed to retrieve a new set of scabbards that he even went into the armory.
His brother was there, appearing to be testing the weight of different swords that he was pulling out and swinging slowly. Fili frowned, seeing how badly his little brother’s arms were shaking and how pale his skin was. It was when he looked around the room and spotted the pack with a bow and a full quiver leaning against it that he knew that he had found Kili just in time.
“Kili.”
Kili sighed, putting down the sword he was holding. “I can’t stay here, Fili. I won’t survive.”
Fili shut the door behind him and crossed the room to wrap his arms around his brother. “Talk to me, brother.”
For the first time, the title and endearment caused Kili to flinch and Fili was confused as to why.
“That is what will kill me here, beloved. The fact that we are brothers will be a weapon used to hurt you, to hurt and undermine Thorin.” Kili closed his eyes, burying his face in Fili’s neck. “I will lose you and it will kill me to watch you pull away from me more and more each day.”
“What are you talking about Kili? After everything we have been through, I would never pull away from you.” He tightened his arms around Kili, afraid he would slip away. “Do you think my love is so weak that I would turn from you if things get rough?”
“No, not willingly and not on purpose.” There was a hitch in his breathing and Fili knew that it was a sign that his brother was fighting with some kind of pain. However, he didn’t know if was physical, emotional or both. “The dwarves from the Blue Mountains know us and know our bond is true. They would never try to pull us apart. Dain’s dwarves from the Iron Hills would never think of it, either. He is family and he knows that Mahal has carved us for each other.”
“You worry about the other dwarven lords and their people coming here once it is known that Thorin has reclaimed Erebor and rules as King Under the Mountain.”
Kili nodded. “Thorin has fought too hard for this mountain,” he whispered into Fili’s neck. “It wouldn’t be fair for me to put my happiness above that of his or of yours.”
“My happiness? Kili, you are my happiness. You’re my One -- the other half of me.”
“As you are mine. You are also the heir to the mountain, Fili. The next King.” He swallowed, his hands tightening slightly in Fili’s tunic. “The other kingdoms will pressure Thorin to separate us for the good of our line and the kingdom. They’ll pressure you and Thorin to find you a wife for the good of the kingdom, to secure the future of the Durin line, to unite with some clan or another to maintain peace.”
“Kili…”
“You are wonderful, amazing, self-sacrificing and noble, Fili. You are the best dwarf that I have ever known and you would one day make an amazing king. You would give everything of yourself to our people…”
“Kili…”
“And I know that I should put our family and our Kingdom first, but I am not like you, Fili. I cannot be selfless and put on a brave face while I am forced to give up the very things that keep me alive. Losing you day by day and piece by piece while you’re forced to do what is supposed to be best for the kingdom we almost died for would kill me a little each day.”
“Kili…”
“Dying like that, feeling myself being chipped at and having parts of me flaked away will turn me into someone we will both grow to hate, my One. Better that I leave now before I become a creature that --”
“KILI!”
Fili’s tone of voice accompanied by him pulling Kili away from him so that he could look into his face caused Kili’s pain-laced words to stumble to a stop as he met Fili’s eyes.
Now that he had his brother’s full attention, Fili could see that Kili was indeed in pain. His eyes were clouded and there were drops of blood seeping through his shirt over his chest. That was concerning, but he had to address what he saw as being the main problem.
“First, I am by no means that selfless, Kili. I’m glad that you think I’m that much of a noble dwarf, but nothing in this world is as important to me as you are. No matter who tried to force the issue, I would never betray what we have and I would never part from my One.” He sighed. Leaning in to kiss Kili’s forehead, frowning slightly at the heated skin that indicated a fever, he ran his hands up and down his arms in comfort. “Erebor is not our home and I know that we would not be happy here, love. I had come to this same realization when we woke after the battle.”
“But, you can’t leave, Fili, you are the heir -- the crown prince.”
Fili shrugged. “I can and I will. Thorin can find a new heir. Gimli is our cousin or the rule can pass over to Dain’s line. Thorin can mask it as it being good for the kingdom and he will understand that our leaving is the best thing for everyone in the family and the company.”
“You would really do this?”
“I would go any place that you would go, Kili. You are my brother, my lover and my One. I cannot be parted from you.” Fili pulled Kili closer to him again, hugging him to his chest. “We did our duty, nadadith. We made the journey and we fought to reclaim the mountain. We shed blood and almost died -- you are still trying to heal from the wounds of that battle -- to bring the kingdom of Erebor back from the ashes of our forefathers’ pasts. We have done everything we promised that we would do. It is time for us to look to make our own lives the way we wish to and honor the gifts that Mahal has given us when he carved us for each other.”
“Where would we go? I hadn’t gotten that far, yet. I thought I would make it to Dale and speak with Bard to see where he thought I should travel to.”
“I’m not sure, yet, but I was thinking we could return to the Shire for a time. I know that Bilbo would be glad to see us and he would probably have some wise advice for us. He did say that we could come visit anytime we wished to.”
“The Shire would be a nice place to think and make decisions. It was a very peaceful place.”
Fili nodded, kissing Kili’s cheek. “Then we will go to the Shire and speak with Bilbo, but we are doing this the right way, Kili.”
“The right way?”
“The right way,” he said firmly. “You’re going to rest and heal more and we’re going to talk to Mom and Uncle Thorin. We’re going to make sure that they understand our reasons and see that doing it our way is the best way to avoid any incidents with the other clans. We’ll talk to the Company and get as much advice and practical knowledge for living on our own as we are able to.” He smiled softly. “We will make a good life for ourselves, Kili. I promise you we will.”
When it came down to it, choosing between one day being a king of a land he had never been a part of or making a life with Kili, he would always choose Kili. He could do nothing else.