Work Text:
He should have known better, Yin Yu still thought from time to time, but the fact was that Quan Yizhen did not know better. And in fact, in the cases when he did know better, he acted accordingly. He was not an intentionally disrespectful person. He had not been trying to hurt him or humiliate him, that had never been his intention.
Knowing that was the case didn’t make it any easier for him to deal with the consequences, though. It was made worse by the fact that he also knew that, if only he had explained things more clearly…
But the fact was that he did not, and that was impossible to undo. He had already lost everything he lost because of it —his godhood, his palace, his reputation, his best friend, his life— and it was a miracle that he didn’t lose Quan Yizhen too.
He should have known better was a thought Yin Yu was doing his best to eradicate from his brain, and that process made him realize just how many things were constantly taken for granted, how many rules were never actually explained when it came to social interactions and social expectations.
For some reason, that had not been too difficult for him. Maybe it was because he didn’t grow up in the streets, though. He had grown up in a sect, receiving an education from the earliest point in his life, and had been surrounded by rules to follow right from the start. Everything had an established order that he internalized even before he could really ask for the reasons behind the way things were. That was simply his “normal”.
It had definitely not been the case for Quan Yizhen, and even if he joined the sect pretty young, it was clear he had missed a bunch of milestones in his socialization, and even back then he needed constant explanations for things.
But Yin Yin never thought of explaining things like why people don’t like you to look at them in the eyes or why you’re not supposed to just say anything you think of without a filter. He had never even questioned why those things were the norm! Of course he had not thought of ways to explain that.
If it already had been hard to explain to Quan Yizhen the ways in which society worked... explaining his own feelings and the way he reasoned was even worse.
It forced him to confront a lot of things, and see how irrational he could appear —how irrational he actually was, honestly— which of course was not a pleasant experience.
He’s not asking to humiliate you, Yin Yu repeated to himself, each time it happened. He’s asking you because he doesn’t understand, and wants to do it. He’s asking an honest question. That had transformed into a sort of mantra he repeated inside his mind, time and time again.
Quan Yizhen had always been a fast learner, though, and as with everything else he cared about, he did a good job taking notes of everything Yin Yu explained, especially the things regarding Yin Yu’s own feelings. Even if sometimes (a lot of the times, really) it didn’t make sense to Quan Yizhen.
In Yin Yu’s honest opinion, Quan Yizhen seemed to not have the innate ability to realize what it was that other people were feeling, especially if those feelings were vastly different than his own. He needed the explicit reminder, when that was the case, and an extra explanation, sometimes. It forced Yin Yu to be more open about his own feelings, to admit he had feelings in the first place, and to clarify if he felt hurt, if Quan Yizhen did something that made him feel a certain way, if there was something he’d rather Quan Yizhen didn’t do or say.
Why was that so humiliating for him?
Quan Yizhen had apologized a lot because of it, too. He felt bad, because being himself automatically meant that Yin Yu had to go out of his comfort zone so much. He would love for that to not be the case. He was sad that there was something wrong with him, that again and again, his shixiong had to help him because he was lacking, he was still lacking, even after centuries.
“That’s not the case, Yizhen,” Yin Yu said, because it really wasn’t the case. That was not what was happening and it was not Quan Yizhen’s fault. “I’m just explaining things to you with too many years of delay. That’s it. Don’t feel bad, Yizhen.”
Yeah, that was the explanation Yin Yu had decided to stick to. For some reason, Quan Yizhen needed more explanations about the world than the average person did, and Yin Yu, as his shixiong, would be the one tasked with helping him understand.
Not everything about that process was uncomfortable and sad, anyway. It was wonderful to see how Quan Yizhen seemed to be filling up a mental library about the ways society worked, and it was especially fun to see him break the rules intentionally instead of without realizing.
For example, when he visited the Heavens along with Quan Yizhen for some diplomatic reason —of course Hua Chengzhu had tasked him with dealing with that bullshit, instead of doing it himself— he could see how Yizhen acted way more proper towards Ling Wen, Xie Lian, and Yushi Huang, while people like Pei Ming and the minor officials who loved to gossip only got his usual disrespect. But now, he knew he was being disrespectful in their eyes, and he wanted them to notice.
When it came to Yin Yu, though, Quan Yizhen absorbed any and all the information Yin Yu would share. He learned when to give him space, and through his own observation skills, also learned when to push. Like he was taking mental notes of all his tells, making sure to be as accurate as he could.
And as time went on, Quan Yizhen asked him less and less questions, relying more and more on his own understanding of things, and his own, new and deeper understanding of Yin Yu.
Well, Yin Yu had ended up with a deeper understanding of himself too, and the more they had talked about their past, the easiest it was to let go of all those things that still weighed on his soul. Maybe he would never be able to let go completely, to say that he had forgiven himself for good, but he was doing much better now. They both were.
And some random evening, while he worked in his office and Yizhen looked at him, while peeling some tangerines for them to share when Yin Yu decided to take a break, he realized that it felt almost like being back home. It was different, yes. They were both different now. They had lost so much, and recovered so much too. But they still had each other.
He never wanted to let go of it, and had no idea of how to say it. How to explain to Quan Yizhen exactly what he was feeling.
So he stopped doing his paperwork, took a tangerine and started peeling too.
“Let me help you, Zhenzhen.”
Yeah, that was a good start.
The smile that Quan Yizhen directed at him told him there was no need to say anything else.