Chapter Text
The first time it happened, Darry was 10.
He didn’t mean for things to go wrong, he just wanted to watch the game on the tv. He didn’t want Pony to be upset, but it wasn’t fair. Pony always got what he wanted no matter what it was. If Ponyboy wanted to play with him, he was supposed to let him, because he was the older one and Pony was just a baby. It wasn’t fair though, Darry had been there first. So when Pony came in and asked for him to change the channel to cartoons, he said no.
Why should he? The game was almost over and cartoons were always running. Pony could wait the 30 minutes it took for it to end before watching his shows. Darry thought that would be the end of it, he would go find something else to do maybe. Soda would’ve, he would’ve sat with Darry or gone off to play with something else. He listened. Pony didn’t. So naturally, instead of leaving, he cried.
“Mama!” He yelled, his eyes filling up with tears. His lower lip trembled as Darry’s eyes flashed with anger. Why couldn’t he just leave it alone? it wasn’t a big deal.
His Mama came rushing in with her apron on. She was in the middle of making their chocolate cake for the week.
“What happened?” She asked, eyes scanning over the scene in front of her. Darry’s arms crossed over his chest, eyes blazing, and Ponyboy almost in tears next to his big brother. “Darrel Jr. what did you do?” Her voice holding a a more exasperated tone then an angry one, as she noticed neither of them seemed hurt. She scooped up Ponyboy and put him on her hip just the way he liked, and he immediately wrapped his little hands around her neck.
Darry glared, he always got babied.
“I didn’t do anything!” He shouted, almost stomping his foot before realizing he was acting more like Sodas age than his own. His mother glared.
“No sir! You do not take that tone with me. You know better. I’m being nice and letting you explain, so either you talk to me proper, or I’ll send you to bed with no supper.” His mama was frowning, holding Pony on her hip still, who no longer looked close to weeping.
Darry took a big breath, like his daddy taught him. Before Soda was born, his Daddy sat him down to talk to him about how life would be different after the baby came.
“The baby will be loud,” His dad had warned. “He might cry a lot.”
“Is he sad?” Darry had asked, oblivious to how babies actually worked.
“Sometimes. But babies can’t tell us how they feel, and that gets them frustrated so they cry.” Darry figured that made sense. If he couldn’t talk, he’d probably cry a lot too.
“You might get frustrated too. The baby will take up a lot of Mamma and Daddy’s time.” That confused him. He figured it was fair if they got the same amount of attention, but it wasn’t fair that the baby would get more. That wasn’t even and it wasn’t proper sharing.
“All of the time?” He asked, suddenly sad at the realization that things were gonna change when the baby was born.
“Not all of the time Junior. But the baby will need extra help since he won’t be a big boy like you. And he’ll keep us up at night since he won’t be able to sleep all the way through the night yet, so mamma will be real tired.” His dad brushed his hair out of his face before he spoke again. “Whenever you feel frustrated, I want you to take a big deep breath, hold it for a few seconds and then let it go when you feel calm. You can do it as many times as you need too, and if it doesn’t help, you come talk to me okay? We’ll figure it out together.” Darry had nodded and his dad did a couple of deep breaths with him just to try.
“You’re gonna be the best big brother ever junior I already know.” He wrapped him in a hug and kissed the top of his head before leaving him to finish his chocolate milk. He didn’t know at the time just how many deep breaths he’d need to take.
It took more than a couple for him to not feel so angry anymore, and his momma was patient with him and let him take his time.
“Pony asked me to put on cartoons, but I said no cause I was watching the game. It’s almost over anyway! But then he started crying.”
His momma thought for a second, “You could be a bit nicer to him Darry, he is only 4.” That got him angry again. Why was it him that had to be nicer all the time?
“But it was almost over!” He repeated again, in hopes his mother would understand.
“I get that, but he don’t understand. You can’t just say no to him, you gotta explain things. Otherwise he just thinks you’re being mean.” Pony looked at him under his bangs his head resting on his mother’s chest, and his own chest burned with that familiar jealousy that came with having little siblings. It was hardly his fault Pony couldn’t understand that he wasn’t being mean, he was being blunt and he just wanted to watch his show.
“But he’s just a crybaby! He always gets what he wants!” This time he did stomp his foot. He couldn’t help it, his heart was racing and his throat was burning in the way it usually did when he needed to cry. But he didn’t like crying, instead he yelled. “I didn’t even hurt him and he cried! He always does and it’s not fair!” His face was red and he hardly noticed his mother’s face in all his anger. She had a firm grip on Pony and an even firmer glare on her face that would’ve made Darry crumble had he not been still steaming.
“I told you not to take that tone with me Darrel. I understand you’re upset but that is not how we deal with things in this house.” He at least had the decency to look a little ashamed, and put his head down. “You do not yell at me and you do not say mean things about your brothers, do you understand?” He nodded solemnly, feeling a tiny bit guilty. Only a little.
“I’m not happy with you right now but I won’t yell. You are to go to your room for the rest of the night, you hear me? I already told you what would happen if you yelled again.”
That made angry tears well up in his eyes, though he tried to ignore them until he was in his room. His mother noticed though, and her hard expression softened a little bit. “I’m not mad at you honey, but we can’t just yell whenever we get upset. People say the most hurtful things when they are angry and upset, and I don’t want you to ever say something you regret and can’t take back when you’re angry. Especially not to the people you love. Do you get that?”
“Yes momma.” He wipes his tears a little before turning to go to his room.
“I expect you to apologize to Ponyboy tomorrow.” His mother said after him and he nodded his head even with his back turned.
When he got to his room, he fell onto the bed and cried. He didn’t know if he was sad or angry or both, but he knew he needed to cry. He laid there on his bed until all his tears were gone. He laid there even after he heard his daddy come home from work. He could hear his momma explaining to him what happened. He laid there through dinner and all the clatter and ruckus that came from it with Soda at the table. He heard him ask where his big brother was, since Soda had been playing with his new friend Steve at the time of the argument. But she just said he was in his room and to leave him alone.
He eventually took his time in solidarity to reflect, and he realized that perhaps he had been a bit too blunt. Pony didn’t know why he said no and he didn’t bother to tell him. But maybe if he had told him why he would’ve understood. And his momma was right, Pony was only 4, and he thinks maybe if he hadn’t yelled, momma would’ve been on his side.
When his bedtime finally came he resigned himself to apologizing to his brother. He would do it when he woke up he decided. Before he went to sleep, his daddy came in to check on him.
“Heard you got into a spat with your brother junior.” He sat up in his bed as his father came in, sitting on the edge of the bed. Darry nodded, feeling more ashamed now that he acknowledged he was in the wrong.
“You yelled at your momma too I hear.”
“Yea,” his cheeks flushed harder as he picked at his bedsheets. “I didn’t mean too, I just got angry.”
His dad smiled at him sadly as if he already knew.
“I know buddy, but you can’t let your emotions get away from you like that. When you get angry you gotta get it under control before you say something you’ll regret.” Darry almost rolled his eyes with how similar his parents sounded. “You remember how I taught you to breathe?”
“Yeah I remember. I tried Da’ but it didn’t work, I still got angry.”
“It won’t always work, that’s why as you get older you gotta learn to manage your emotions. Otherwise we get outbursts like today right?”
Darry nodded, hanging his head low. He hadn’t meant to get so angry, he really tried to let it go. But he couldn’t.
His dad noticed his mood change quick, “Hey I still struggle with it too Junior.”
Darry looked up, “Really?”
“All the time. Just cause I’m an adult don’t mean I get any less angry. You just learn to control it better.” He smiled, a real smile this time as he patted his son on the back. “You’ll get it one day Darry, you’re still learning okay? And brothers will fight, what matters is you love each other and you apologize. Never ever let any fight get in between your brotherhood okay? You’re gonna value that relationship more than any other.”
“Okay. I’ll apologize to Pony tomorrow.”
“There’s my boy.” He pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back before releasing with a sharp pat on the back. “You’re gonna be alright.”
He stood up and said goodnight before leaving the room. It took a few minutes for Darry to change his clothes and settle into bed, but when he finally did, he was exhausted from crying, and simmering, and only a little disappointed he didn’t finish his game, that all he could do was accept when sleep started to claim him.
What he didn’t expect was to hear footsteps leading to his door, two seconds after his eyes finally shut. Surely it wasn’t his father, he had already said goodnight. Maybe it was his mom? She usually said goodnight but he’d assumed she was skipping tonight as part of his punishment, since he did yell at her too. Maybe it was Soda he sometimes snuck into Darry’s room at night too talk, but his momma had told him not to bother Darry, and he knew when not to push her. The last person he expected it to be was Pony.
Dressed in his favorite race car sleep shirt and his tiny plaid cut offs, tiptoeing quite noisily into his room. Darry sat up confused, as Pony made his way across his room and into his bed.
“Ponyboy?” He asked, thinking maybe he was imagining things.
“Darry?” He whispered back, though it was hardly a question considering it was his room he’d walked in to.
“What are you doing?” His voice hushed but not quite the whisper Pony’s was.
It took him a while to answer, a few beats of silence passing between them before he answered, “Missed you.” He said and scooched up the bed so he was lying next to Darry.
He looked down at his brother confused, though Pony could hardly see his face in the dark. How could he miss him when he’d just yelled in his face not a few hours ago.
“You missed me?” He questioned staring down at Pony as he curled closer to him.
“Uh-huh.”
“But why? I yelled at you.” Darry insisted, he certainly didn’t miss his father when he yelled at him.
“It’s okay, momma says you’re sorry.”
“I am sorry Pony.” He’d meant to say it anyway so he might as well have done it then.
“It’s okay.” He said, and for a while it seemed like that was it. Until Pony spoke again his voice smaller this time, “I’m sorry too. Momma says I can’t always yell for her when we have a dis- a dis-“
“A disagreement.” Darry finished for him.
“Yeah and Soda says it’s called tattling and tattling is bad.”
“Tattling is bad,” He said before going back to the main point. “But it’s okay Pony, you’re only 4 and it was my fault anyway, I shouldn’t have just said no.”
Pony shrugged his shoulders seemingly like he didn’t care and just said, “Can I stay?”
Darry didn’t know why Pony would want to stay with him. Clearly, he had a big brother who couldn’t control his temper, but he’d already told him no once today. So he said yes instead.
Darry wrapped his arms around Pony as he snuggled close to his chest. They didn’t say anything more before they fell asleep, but secretly Darry thought that maybe they didn’t even need apologies. They could just do this, it felt like an apology in itself. Acknowledging the other person just by being there, saying sorry with a hug rather than words. It felt right, not as daunting and scary as a big “I’m sorry” but still as true and honest.
He went to sleep with that thought, and it almost comforted him.