Chapter Text
Dear diary,
My name is 007n7. This is my first time writing a diary, i figured it could be helpful considering the things that have happened recently. Just a way to let it out. I pray that this truly makes me feel better.
It has been 2 weeks since losing Noli to the void star.
If i had one thing in my life that i could undo, it would be forcing Noli to take that stupid star. I was an idiot. I still am, just a guilty one. There's no point in feeling bad for what i did, its already too late to save him now. If i hadn't been such a coward and just took it instead of him, he'd probably move on, forget about me, get better. It would have been better that way.
You have no idea how utterly horrible it was to watch what happened after he took it.
It's almost indescribable - i can't think of the right words for it. The moment his hand touched the void star, i watched as the heat of it began to melt and burn away his skin, digging down through the muscle and veins till it reached the bone. It seemed to crawl up his body, spreading faster than i could even blink. Only half of it faced that treatment, and the bones turned a bruise-like purple. The next of what happened to him makes me sick to my stomach to even imagine. The bones suddenly grew a new flesh over it, excluding his face. It was twisted and decayed, code flowing through the veins. Binary.
The other half of him turned a deeper shade of purple, half of the muscle and bone on his face tearing itself apart and forming into a new identity. It looked similar to a comedy mask.
The void star crown seated itself upon his head immediately. Blood drenched the floor, but he was clean. Well, not really clean, considering the fact part of his flesh was decaying, but you get what i mean.
I can't get this image out of my head - the way he looked before the 'transformation' was completed. The spray of blood. The bare muscles. The lack of skin. It haunts me. I gag just thinking about it. I was just lucky to not see his organs.
Im pathetic. Utterly pathetic. I bit my tongue and held in the puke, running before anything worse could happen. It wasn't like i could have saved him anyway, but it hurts to think that maybe, just maybe, i could have helped him somehow. Some way.
I know it's not the best way to cope, but I've taken up self harm. It's pretty hot out, and I don't want to be slash-flashing people on the streets, so it's on my thighs. Then again, I hardly go out. I can't risk an admin catching me. They've been after me for a while - i can only imagine what they would do if they found out what had happened with Noli. The void star was a precious artifact of theirs, that had been locked away due to it becoming corrupted.
...
Why did i have to do my research after he's already dead.
That star has got its vessel. A vessel that didn't deserve it. My thighs are stinging. There's bloody tissues filling the small bin i have next to the bed in my apartment. My life couldn't get worse. I could probably hook up with some people as a coping mechanism, maybe fucking away the pain will work? Sex away the guilt! Better than fucking up my thighs, I guess.
Im scared I'll just get reminded of him constantly. I've thrown all his crap out of his room, all the cool stuff i really would've liked for myself. But i would have felt guilty. Staring at the constant, agonizing reminder.
I don't think i should keep writing this for any longer. Its only making me feel worse. I think i might throw up honestly- maybe my next entry will go better.
Signing off for today,
-007n7.
The fuck am i doing?
This is so cringe.