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Ezra was alone.
Not because he really wanted to be, but because he chose to be.
He stood beneath the sky, just outside of the Ghost, the night was dark around him, and the air was surprisingly cold.
Stars shone above him and he absently named off the systems he knew. It was much easier to do back on Lothal, but they had been here at Chopper Base for long enough for him to become reacquainted with the celestial sphere.
A breeze blew in and he shivered against it, he knew he should go back in, but it was peaceful out here and he desperately wanted to cling to the delusion that nothing was wrong.
It was so easy to believe here in the dark with the stars shining up over his head. Taking a deep breath he tilted his head back, eyes falling shut as he let the silence of the night envelope him.
He didn’t want to go in. Kanan was in there, probably in his room, but Ezra could still sense the man’s presence, and it hurt.
Kanan had never outright blamed him for what happened on Malachor, but his master had lost his sight, surely the man held some bitterness towards him for that.
Ezra couldn’t imagine anything else being the case, after all, Kanan had holed himself up and refused to interact with anyone. They had all but abandoned Jedi training. Kanan never suggested it and Ezra never asked.
But it made sense. Ezra had been the one to insist that they could trust Maul. It was his fault that his master was blind now.
The truth was hard, and it hit him like a punch in the gut every time he remembered it. Even now as he stood perfectly silent and still, the picture of tranquility, his mind raced.
So many things he could’ve done differently. So many ways he could’ve been better.
But none of that mattered now. He had messed up and now Kanan had practically abandoned him. His eyes burned and he dropped his face, furiously rubbing away the tears.
“Hey.”
He quickly dropped his hands and glanced over his shoulder. There stood Sabine, silhouetted by the light from within the Ghost.
“You okay?” She asked, stepping down from the ramp and walking up to him.
“Yeah,” Ezra assured her, “Just got something in my eye.”
“Ezra,” She turned to him, tone serious, “You two can’t keep this up.”
“Keep what up?” Ezra retorted, “We haven’t spoken in weeks.”
“That’s what I mean.” Sabine sighed, folding her arms.
Turning away, Ezra looked back up at the stars.
He could still sense her presence beside him but he wouldn’t look at her again. He knew she was just worried about him and Kanan but there was nothing that could be done, their time was running out.
“Why don’t you talk to him?” She suggested after a long moment of silence.
“He doesn’t want to talk to me.” Ezra murmured, his voice tinged with sorrow and guilt.
Sabine stepped around in front of him, forcing him to look at her again.
“Just try.”
Something about the plea made defensive anger rise up inside him.
“He doesn’t want me to talk to him,” He snapped, “He doesn’t want me anywhere near him!”
Sabine took a step back, startled by his sudden outburst.
“All I’ll do is remind him of what a disappointment I am.” He continued, his voice was slightly quieter but it was raw with emotion, “He doesn’t need that. He doesn’t need me.”
Silence fell over them as they both stood, quiet and hurt. Ezra regretted lashing out instantly and he whirled around to retreat.
“Ezra-” Sabine called after him.
But he ignored her, stalking up the ramp and into the Ghost he headed straight to his and Zeb’s room. As he passed the other quarters he could sense Kanan’s presence just like he knew he would.
His master was meditating, like he was almost all the time nowadays. Of course that was probably about all he could do now, since Ezra made him blind.
A rush of guilt nearly consumed him and he slipped into his room. Thankfully Zeb was absent, so he had the space all to himself.
Climbing into his bunk, he finally let the tears fall. His shoulders shook as he tried to silence his sobs, but there was nothing he could do to stop the rush of emotions.
Carefully shielding against the dormant bond he had with Kanan, he let his grief overflow him. His arms wrapped around his chest and he shook with every shuddering breath he took.
As tears trailed down his face he felt something else in the force- cold and dark, and oh so promising. He knew exactly what it was and he reached for it instinctively.
Pulling open one of his drawers with a wave of his hand he saw it sitting there, the Sith holocron, illuminating the drawer with its red glow.
His fingers closed around it slowly, lifting it from its prison and holding it before him in his palm.
It promised secrets and power. It gave him knowledge and confidence. He had learned much from it already- more than Kanan had been willing to teach him as of late.
Shadows seemed to be swathed around it despite its bright glow, and they reached for him, as if they knew him and wanted to help.
He could feel the dark side, but he didn’t fear it, not anymore. The light side had failed him too many times, he had no use for it now.
The promises of power and strength called to him, Kanan had said before that the dark side offered nothing but lies, but Ezra was tired of reality.
He didn’t want to believe what was real. For once he wanted to believe his hopes, his desperate wishes, the lies that he told himself.
Slowly, deliberately, he focused on the force. The holocron floated up off his hand to hover in midair as it opened, and he opened up his mind to it.