Chapter Text
Memories of Irina
Chapter 1
Ilya loved his life with Shane Hollander. He loved the security of it all. He felt safe and happy, married to the love of his life and their dog Anya. They even talked about adoption in the near future. Ilya was so excited at the idea of growing their family together. He only wishes he could have his mother there; He had no doubt she would be the best babushka (Grandmother).
Shane and Ilya were just coming back from an epic walk they took Anya on. When they reached the front steps of their Ottawa home, they noticed a medium sized box Infront of the door. Shane and Ilya looked at each other with a questioning look. “Did you order more treats for Anya?” Shane sighed as he stepped forward to pick the package up. “I haven’t order anything since you yelled at me last time.” Ilya smiled following Shane up the stairs.
Ilya looked over Shane shoulder to read who the package was addressed too. “It’s for you Ilya. From your brother.” Shane could feel Ilya’s body tense behind him. Shane fumbled for his keys to the front door. Ilya’s mind was in shambles. He didn’t know what his brother would send him. He hadn’t talked to Alexei since his father’s funeral. He bent down to unhook Anya’s leash and hang it on the hook. Ilya noticed his hand shaking and shoved them into his pockets as he made his way to the kitchen.
Shane had set the package on top of the island in their kitchen. “Do you want me to stay with you?” Shane asked not sure what this package will do to Ilya. Ilya had been in a great place for some time now and he didn’t want his past to ruin all his progress. He also understood why Ilya might want to do this alone. Ilya grabbed Shane’s hand and looked at him. “Please stay. I don’t think I can do this without you.” Ilya looked at the box with a sigh. Shane Smile up to Ilya “I will be right here always.” He sat down pulling Ilya into the seat next to him.
Ilya grabbed the box and pulled it into his lap reading the top. There was a card on top that he pulled off very carefully. He opened the envelope and pulled a piece of paper out. He read it to himself then looked up at Shane. “It says he found some tapes in my Condo when cleaning it out.” Ilya put the package on the table and walked over to the drawer where they kept the knives. “Do you know what the tapes have on them? Are they your old sex tapes?” Shane looked at Ilya with a teasing smile. “No, I have those in storage unit.” Ilya smiled back, knowing Shane would be thinking about that for days to come.
Ilya walked back to the table sliding the knife across the tape. He set the knife next to the box and pulled the left side of the lid first. There was another box inside. “I remember my father throwing a couple boxes in my bedroom closet along time ago. I never knew what they were and never cared.” Ilya signed as he pulled the right side up next. “I have no idea what these tapes are.” He pulled the smaller box out. It was a wooden box with his mother’s name carved on top. “It’s my mom names.” Everything was blurry at that moment.
Shane shot up from his seat and was at Ilya’s side in seconds. Shane looked down at the box and then went to Ilya who had tears running down his face. “Ilya….” Shane didn’t know what to say at this moment. He wanted to give Ilya his space but also wrap him in his arms and never let go. “What do you need from me right now?” Shane took Ilya’s hand. “Stay by my side please.” Ilya said softly as he reached out to run his hand over her name. He pulled on the lid and pushed the top open.
In the box was a letter and 5 tapes filed in order by dates. Ilya had a puzzling look on his face not sure what they would have on them. He looked over to Shane with a worried look on his face. “Ilya what’s wrong?” Shane sounded very concerned. Ilya sighed relaxing his face a bit “Do we have a VCR? Where can we get one?” Shane breath a sigh of relief when he heard Ilya’s questions. “I’ll call my parents. I’m sure they have one.” Shane walked into the kitchen to grab his phone off the counter. “I’m going to go into the Livingroom and give them a call. I will be right back.” Shane walked out of the kitchen and disappeared. Ilya took a deep breath and sat back down. He pulled the letter out from the box. His hands started to shake again because on the front of the letter Ilya name was written in his mother handwriting.
Ilya covered his mouth as a few more tears escaped. He wasn’t sure he wanted to open this without Shane next to him. He knew Shane would catch him if he fell because right now Ilya was lightheaded and worried he might faint. He wondered if Alexei had opened this before sending it. He had to have if he knew they were tapes, his brother didn’t pay attention too much, but he probably just glanced at it and closed it up. He figured he was selling the Condo and needed it empty before he could do so. Ilya turned the card over and pulled on the tab. He opened It and pulled the letter out.
It was the most beautiful handwriting. He ran a hand over the beautiful writing while taking a deep breathing before losing himself in the letters.
Prosti, chto mne prishlos' ostavit' tebya, moy prekrasnyy mal'chik. YA slishkom mnogo vystradala v etoy zhizni i bol'she ne smogla ostavat'sya sil'noy. YA vsegda budu s toboy — v tvoyem serdtse; ya veryu v eto. Pomni: ty dolzhen byt' sil'neye — sil'neye, chem kogda-libo byla ya. YA nadeyus', ty prodolzhish' igrat' v khokkey, zhenish'sya na lyubvi vsey svoyey zhizni i u tebya poyavyatsya chudesnyye deti — takiye zhe prekrasnyye, kak ty sam. Prozhivi tu zhizn', kotoruyu ty zasluzhivayesh' i kotoroy khochesh'. Ne slushay togo, chego khochet tvoy otets — on oshibayetsya. YA
(I’m sorry I had to leave you my beautiful boy. I have suffered too much in this life, and I could not be strong anymore. I will always be with you in your heart, I believe that. Remember to be stronger, Stronger than I have ever been. I hope you keep playing hockey and get married to the love of your life and have beautiful children just like you. Live the life you deserve and want. Don’t listen to what your father wants, he is wrong. I love you, my beautiful boy and remember I am watching and with you always. -Mommy)
Ilya couldn’t stop the river of tears running down his face as he repeated the word “Mommy”. She wrote him a letter. She didn’t leave him without saying goodbye. He flinched when he felt Shane next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Shane pulled him out of the chair and wrapped his arms around him holding him tight as if Ilya was going to fall apart. Ilya let it all out in Shane’s arms. Some time had passed and Ilya pulled away from Shane and looked at him. “She said goodbye. She didn’t leave without saying goodbye.” Shane smiled lightly at Ilya. He was so happy Ilya got to hear from his mother one last time.
Shane wiped the tears away from Ilya’s face and planted a soft loving kiss on his lips. Shane stepped back keeping hold of Ilya’s hands. “My parents are bringing over their VCR for us. They should be here in 30 minutes.” Shane looked at the table, his eyes flashing from the tapes to the letter and then back to Ilya. “I’m happy you got the chance Ilya.” Shane bit his bottom lip, not sure what Ilya needs from him right now. “What can I do? What do you need? I’m not sure what to do in this situation other then making sure you don’t fall.” Ilya smiled staring into his husband’s eyes. “This is all I need. You here holding me. It’s all I need right now.” Ilya pulled Shane into a tight hug.
A moment later Ilya pulled back and sat down. He took a deep breath and picked the letter up again. He reread it before looking up at Shane with tears in his eyes. “She told me she loved me and to stay strong. She said to keep playing Hockey, to marry the love of my life and have children. She told me not to listen to my father and that she wanted me to live the life I deserve and want. She said she will always be watching.” Ilya grabbed his husband’s hand and closed his eyes to stop the tears from rolling down his face. Shane moved closer to Ilya, rubbing his hand up and down Ilya’s back. “Ilya you fulfilled her wishes without even knowing it. I never doubt that she was with you, but this just kind of proves it.” Shane ran his fingers through Ilyas hair and pulled him to his chest.
Ilya didn’t know how long they sat there, the only sounds coming from them breathing together. Ilya jumped a little when he heard the doorbell ring. Shane slowly pulled away and looked at Ilya. “That’s probably Mom and Dad. I will be right back.” He kissed Ilya on the forehead before running to answer the door. Ilya slowly stood up from the chair he was sitting in and started toward the door Shane disappeared through. He didn’t get very far before Yuna was rushing into the kitchen with her arms wide open. Ilya didn’t have enough time to react before falling into his mother-in-law’s arms. It was one of Ilya favorite places these days. Yuna was one of the very few comforts Ilya had these days. “What can I do Honey? I want to be here for you?” Ilya smiled into her shoulder and took a deep breath. “Will you watch them with me?”
Yuna pulled back and gave Ilya the warmest smile. “I would be Honored to watch these with you.” She took his hand and squeezed it. “Where should we set this up boy’s?” David was hauling in a bulky VCR behind everyone. “In the Livingroom dad.” Shane Pointed moving toward the Livingroom. Ilya released Yuna’s hand turned back toward the table. He reached for the letter and handed it to Yuna. “Would you like to read it?” Yuna smiled and took the letter. Ilya knew Yuna had taken in interest in learning to read in Russian. She was more of an overachiever than her son. Ilya pulled the box of tapes into his arms and made his way to the Livingroom.
Yuna was right behind him. She had become fluent in Russian and very good at reading and writing in Russian. The whole Hollander family had worked hard at learning Russian so they could communicate with Ilya in his Native tongue. He really felt like the luckiest man alive to have found his forever family. They didn’t use it much these days and Ilya’s English had gotten very good. It was still nice to know they could use Russian if they needed to and right now it was a need. Ilya had so many emotions running through him right now. He was so confused and so happy to receive this gift. He was also very happy his family was there with him to witness whatever was on those tapes.
Once Daivd and Shane finally figured out the VCR they both turned to Ilya and Yuna with a smile. “Are we ready to watch the first one?” Shane moved toward Ilya, taking his hand in his. “I think so. Ill grab the first one.” Ilya had put the box on the coffee table in order to pull Yuna in while she let tears out reading the letter. “I think we watch this one.” Ilya held up the tape that was marked 1991. David took a step toward Ilya reaching out. “Here son Let me put this in. You go get comfortable.” David smiled at Ilya. Ilya smiled back and released the tape to David. He sat down in the middle of the couch with Yuna on his right and Shane on his left. Ilya took a deep breath and watched David slide the tape into the VCR. Shane took Ilya’s hand in his and Yuna took his other hand. David walked over to them patting Ilya’s leg as he sat down next to Yuna.
It took a couple seconds for the video to start but then there she was. The camera was pointed at a large mirror showing Irina’s swollen body. She was as beautiful as Ilya remembered her. She couldn’t stop the tears once they started. She looked a lot like Ilya, he smiled at that thought. She had long golden brown hair, Hazel eyes, and their noses were the same shape. She had a long flowing dress on that showed off her baby bump. “She is Beautiful Ilya.” Yuna said placing a hand on his arm. “Just as I remember her.” He admitted
That video didn’t last long the tape went black and the date jumped by a week and suddenly Baby Ilya was in front of the camera. Ilya smiled to himself and sighed wishing he could rewind and see his mother again. He froze when he heard a familiar voice coming from the video. Irina was singing to him a lullaby, which he remembers very fondly. She would sing this song to him every night as a child. Ilya broke, leaning into Shane hoping Shane would hold him together again. Ilya didn’t need to hope Shane knew what was needed and he wrapped Ilya in the tightest hug he could.
Ilya calmed down a bit when he heard his mother say his name. “Ilya, I love you so much. I will protect you always.” She said in Russian. Ilya sat up looking at the screen again. It had been so long since he heard her beautiful voice. Shane sat up with him taking his hand. Yuna was rubbing his back, and David was patting his leg. He was so grateful to have them here at this moment, it truly meant the world to him. All his favorite people in one room. The tape was cut off then and it was just statice. David jumped up and walked over to the VCR. He pushed eject and the tape came out. David handed it to Ilya. “Do you want to watch another or should we break for a bit.” Ilya took a deep breath “Maybe lunch and another after?” He looked at his family, and they all shook their heads in agreement. Ilya needed a moment to breathe and take it all in.