Chapter Text
As always, it was near pitch black inside the house when Tsukasa got home. That was normal- he usually arrived home from school just after the sun set. His parents were at the hospital most days, keeping watch over Saki.
Saki… that reminded him. He would be visiting her in the morning, so he needed to perfect his next project. These projects of his often changed every week: sometimes a song he would play for her on the piano that he knew she would like, sometimes a short play he would put on with his cast of one, sometimes simply just a fantastical story he had thought up. This week, he had learned a new song on the piano that fit the style of what he knew Saki liked to listen to.
Tsukasa slipped off his shoes and stepped further into the house, headed for the kitchen. There was no need to turn on the lights when he knew the house as well as he did. Besides, he was exhausted, and the bright lights would have given him an even worse headache than the one he’d been fending off all day.
“Let’s see…” He mumbled under his breath, inspecting the fridge for something to eat. It would just be him tonight, so there was no need to make an entire meal… a simple rice bowl would suffice.
It didn’t occur to him what a sorry case he looked like from an outside perspective: alone, in the dark, sitting at the large table and appearing smaller because of it. He ate in silence, eyes distant as he imagined being somewhere else- specifically, imagining what it would be like to be on the stage, under the spotlight, the audience watching his every move with rapt attention. Tsukasa felt a small smile tugging at his face as he imagined the similar ones on the faces of the crowd. That was his dream…
A rapid blink and he was jolted out of his daydream, his faint smile fading once more. His dream… it was just that, wasn’t it? A dream. Something to look up to… but something equally as unattainable as any other fantastical sequence. It was a thought Tsukasa hated to entertain, but one he knew he realistically should.
Ding!
He glanced up- a message from his father. Tsukasa didn’t need to read it to know what it said: Me and Mom are staying with Saki overnight. See you tomorrow after school. He opened the message anyways- he always hated those notification pop-ups lingering on his screen. He opened the message and quickly closed it again, not wanting to look at the way his message history with his father consisted of that single message, repeated over the weeks and months. At first, Tsukasa always replied. Now, he didn’t have the energy left over to bother.
He stared at the home screen of his phone for a long while before finally opening NicoNico- maybe a distraction could lift his spirits. He scrolled through the videos on his For You page for a while, past a collection of bright and happy looking thumbnails. Tsukasa wasn’t in the mood for funny skits, or piano tutorials, or analyses of famous actors; not like he usually was.
I’ll Disappear, And You Won’t Notice.
Tsukasa’s thumb paused on the screen, snapped out of his thoughtless daze. This was interesting. A nondescriptive title, a blank grey thumbnail… he clicked on the video, not knowing what to expect.
His eyes widened almost immediately at what he heard. So this was a song… the sound of it was entirely other, something Tsukasa had never even considered making any sense. The song was overwhelming, overstimulating, worming its way into his mind until he felt his pulse quicken, his breath come a bit shallower.
He had only ever felt like this in the middle of the night, hidden in a darkened corner of his room, staring blankly ahead at the wall and willing himself not to cry, lest he wake up his family. This song, this completely random pull from his NicoNico feed, reminded Tsukasa of all the nights he spent, hand clamped over his mouth, posture slumped, for reasons he couldn’t even comprehend. It was a powerful thing, one that moved him like nothing had been able to for a long time.
This song… it’s…
Tsukasa stood, in a trance, taking his now empty bowl with him. He washed his dishes, retreated up to his room, sat down on the edge of his bed, all without much conscious thought. He was too preoccupied now, too busy trying to decode this new mystery.
…haunting. There’s a sense of discomfort- no, even more than that. It’s more like a quiet panic.
He suddenly stood again, speedwalking to his desk across the room, to where his laptop sat with a darkened screen.
I also get a sense of… anger. Confusion as well. But there’s still an overwhelming blanket of ‘nothing at all’ on top…
Tsukasa logged into NicoNico as fast as he could, his mind focused solely on his new mission. He looked up the song, went to the page of the producer- their page was full of songs like the one he had heard, all with cryptic titles and no thumbnail. Who was this composer, and how could they hold so much power over his emotions like this? How could they understand how he felt, when he couldn’t even do so himself?
He clicked on the channel’s description- nothing. No biography, no links to other sites, not even a profile picture. Just a name.
OWN.
His heart sank. That was it? No way for him to find out more, no way to understand this mysterious person the way they seemed to know him? Tsukasa almost snapped closed the lid of his laptop immediately in frustration-
Wait. What was that..?
He caught himself just before the screen could turn off. At the very bottom of the description page: a connection to an account on Nightcord.
Nightcord… that was a messaging app, wasn’t it? Some of his classmates talked about it once, he thought. Whatever it was, it might have been his only way to contact this OWN.
His fingers flew over the keyboard- searching up Nightcord, downloading it to his computer, creating a new account. He didn’t bother with much personalization; that seemed entirely pointless to him then. He simply chose his handle- @pegasus_88- and hurriedly searched up OWN’s username he had pulled from NicoNico.
>Dear OWN, I recently listened to your newest release. It resonated with me, in ways I can’t understand… And I wanted to ask you about it. I need to know what all of this means. I need to know why it feels like…
Tsukasa sent his message, then sat back to wait, eyes never leaving the screen. He was anxious for a response, vaguely nervous as he anticipated what OWN could tell him. Would he like what he heard? Would the information even be able to do anything to help him?
He didn’t know. But he knew one thing, and as he opened his mouth, the thought spilled out unbidden under his breath.
“...I’ll never become a star like this…”