Chapter Text
The week had been hell.
Not one big thing,just everything stacked on top of everything else. Calls that dragged. Calls that went sideways. Calls that stayed with you longer than they should.
By Friday night, Buck had been the one to say it first.
“Drink?”
Eddie hadn’t even argued.
Hen took Christopher for a sleepover before either of them could second guess it. Promised movies, snacks, and letting him stay up way too late. Chris didn’t even hesitate just grabbed his bag and went, already halfway out the door before Eddie could remind him to brush his teeth.
So that left.
This.
A bar too loud, too crowded, and two of them sitting shoulder to shoulder like they always do, knocking back drinks like it might take the edge off something neither of them were actually saying out loud.
Eddie should’ve cut Buck off earlier.
He knows that.
He does know that.
But Buck had been laughing.
Loose. Easy. That kind of laugh that only shows up when something underneath it is just a little too tight.
And Eddie
Eddie didn’t want to be the one to take that away.
So now he’s here.
Standing in Buck’s living room, one arm still half around him as Buck stumbles the last step inside.
“Okay,” Eddie mutters, kicking the door shut behind them. “Easy. I got you.”
“I’m fine,” Buck insists immediately, which would be more convincing if he wasn’t leaning his full weight into Eddie like gravity had personally offended him.
“Yeah,” Eddie huffs, adjusting his grip. “You’re doing great.”
Buck laughs soft, breathy, right against Eddie’s shoulder and something about it sticks longer than it should.
“Rude.”
Getting him to the bedroom is… an experience.
Buck trips over nothing twice, forgets where he’s going halfway down the hallway, and at one point just stops entirely like the concept of walking has suddenly become optional.
Eddie doesn’t let go.
Doesn’t even think about it.
“Sit,” Eddie orders once they make it to the edge of the bed.
Buck does. Immediately.
That shouldn’t do anything to Eddie.
It does anyway.
Shoes off, Jacket off.
Eddie debates the rest, then decides Buck can survive like this for one night.
“Water,” Eddie mutters, heading to the kitchen.
By the time he comes back
Buck’s out.
Eddie stands there a second.
Watching.
Just making sure.
“Lightweight,” he murmurs.
No response.
He should leave.
He doesn’t.
Instead, he cleans.
Quiet. Mindless. Familiar.
Bottle in the trash. Glasses rinsed. Hoodie folded.
It’s not messy.. it’s just Buck.
Lived in. Warm.
The bathroom light is on.
Eddie steps in to shut it off
And pauses.
The cabinet under the sink is slightly open.
He crouches.
Opens it.
Cleaning supplies.
Soap.
And shoved toward the back
A box.
Eddie frowns, pulling it out.
No dust.
Not forgotten.
His chest tightens.
This is hidden.
“Don’t,” he mutters.
He opens it anyway.
Not one notebook.
Several.
Used. Worn. Kept.
“…Buck,” Eddie breathes.
He picks one up.
Hesitates.
This is private.
He knows that.
But Buck’s asleep.
That thought should stop him.
It doesn’t.
He opens it.
And reads.
Entry One
I didn’t mean to start writing things down.
That sounds stupid, considering I literally went out and bought a notebook like this was some kind of self-help phase. Maddie would probably say it is a self-help phase.
But this isn’t that.
Or at least I don’t think it is.
I just
There’s too much in my head lately. Too many moments that don’t fit anywhere once they happen. They don’t belong in a report, or a joke at the station. They just sit there.
So I figured maybe if I put them somewhere, they’d stop replaying.
(So far? Not working.)
Today wasn’t even a big call day.
Just… normal.
Which is probably why this stuck with me.
Eddie had Christopher on FaceTime.
I don’t know why that got to me the way it did. It’s not new. He talks to Chris all the time.
But today..
Chris was laughing.
Like full-on, can’t-breathe laughing.
And Eddie was just standing there, leaning against the counter, smiling in that way he does when it’s just for his kid. Softer. Quieter.
Like nothing else matters.
And I just stood there.
Watching.
Yeah, creepy. Cool. Love that for me.
But it wasn’t like that.
I just
Couldn’t look away.
Eddie didn’t notice me at first.
Then he did.
And something shifted.
Not bad.
Just… aware.
He tilted the phone.
“Hey, Buck’s here.”
That’s it.
That’s all he said.
But Chris lit up like I actually walked in the room.
“Buck!”
And I smiled before I even realized I was doing it.
I don’t know why that mattered.
It shouldn’t.
It’s normal.
I’m around all the time.
So why does it feel like more?
Maybe it’s just
I don’t have that.
Not like that.
Not someone who looks at me like I’m already part of their life.
No questions asked.
With them…
It’s just assumed.
Like I belong there.
This is dumb.
It was just a normal day.
I’m just writing it down so it stops sticking in my head.
That’s all this is.
Back to Eddie
Eddie doesn’t move.
Doesn’t breathe.
The bathroom feels too small suddenly.
Too quiet.
Like I belong there.
Eddie’s jaw tightens.
Because that line…
That line hits harder than it should.
“This isn’t” he starts, then stops.
Because he doesn’t even know what he was going to say.
He shouldn’t be reading this.
He knows that.
This isn’t meant for him.
But his grip on the notebook doesn’t loosen.
Because this
This is Buck.
Not the version he jokes with. Not the one who shrugs things off.
This is
Real.
And Eddie’s already turning the page before he can stop himself.