Work Text:
He can’t see the smile I'm faking
And my heart’s not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
He was fine. A nice guy or whatever. He made an effort, maybe even a bit more than other guys. And when I came back from Italy, I thought it made sense to try and make it happen. A perfectly nice, sensible, and somewhat incredible man wanting you. That’s what I thought I wanted.
What I couldn’t understand is why my smile was just the normal one that I give to random strangers to be polite. He tries to make me smile, and I fake a laugh just to please because I know it’s something endearing, somehow. And even before we could fight, he respected my space and didn’t make me wait for him, and honestly... It was comfortable.
Why were the butterflies not there, then? Did I completely give up on love, or is he just not what I'm looking for? Why am I in this situation, trying so desperately to hang on to something that barely started, just to feel like I'm filling up some void? Is it because Lily felt a vibe and tried to set us up? Is it because so much of my past is coming back and confronting all of it would be just too much of a mess, so I needed to keep my mind occupied? Honestly, the reality was terrifying.
But most of all, why am I not thinking of him, really?
I knew the answer. It took me a while to understand that. But now I know. She is the answer. Her insanity back in my life. Those eyes, her voice, her accent. Her entire self. Emily Charlton. With her glorious insanity, snarky comments, crazy intensity, and the most beautiful eyes.
Why having her back in my orbit has suddenly made me tear up just by watching her?
Why is it that watching her with a man made me want to cry? I knew that man was clearly just a prop for her. A way to keep her up. I knew that. I could see it in her eyes.
Why is it that just by looking at me, she made me feel everything I didn’t feel with him?
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now
She was back in my life for a minute or two, and I was already trusting that insane woman to help me. I was so mesmerized by her and so obsessed with her existence that I clearly invented a reason to get closer. I asked for her help knowing that her relationship was as fake as it could be.
How could I expect anything different from a betrayal from her?
She is insane. She makes crazy comments at everyone. Every time she opens her mouth, I feel like I have to brace myself for what is going to hit me. Sometimes I feel like I should hate her. But... But she is so real. So raw. So her. Even betraying me, I couldn’t even complain. It was my fault. Trusting her. Why did I trust her? I didn’t even know her anymore. Honestly, I never really knew her more than the surface she allowed me to. But I wanted to know her so much. I wanted her to know how much I trusted her, admired her, and understood her. Everything I wished for was for her to let her walls a little bit down so I could have the space to go after her.
Why did I want her? Why would I want something like that?
It’s been two decades. Twenty years. I left. I betrayed her, in a way. So many years ago. I tried to make amends by sending her expensive clothes. But I thought... I thought she would never want to see me again. I thought I’d just let it go. And I thought I did let go. But if I did, why is it that just by seeing her I felt as if I was 22 again? Why is it that one look from her and I’m on my knees?
We made mistakes. She got away. I got away. But still...
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name
So in love that I acted insane
And that’s the way I loved you
So as soon as I had the opportunity to have her around again, I just grabbed every second. I couldn’t have her. Didn’t work with her, didn’t have a reason to have her around. Tried hooking up with the first man who appeared in front of me trying to get over this insane feeling.
But the thing is: I am not in my twenties anymore. I can’t act like one. I can only run to a certain point. I miss her. miss her. I may lie to her, may pretend, but I can’t lie to me.
I miss her. I miss her insanity. Her absurd phrases. That idiotic accent. Her stupid eyes. That hair. The unpredictable. The jabs, the jokes, the acid truths. Why was she so mesmerizing? Hypnotizing? Why am I so in love that even after her lying to me I still want to see her?
Why is it that when I look at myself in the mirror, all I think about is:
How will I get over her?
I really don’t know. Because, honestly, I don’t think I will. And she will never know. Because if she did, she would probably never speak to me again. If I think about it, we probably will never see each other again. She lied to me. She clearly doesn’t care about me. It is all in my head. I’m just acting insane. Bending my morals for her. Because I would do anything for her. Because now that I stopped pretending for myself, I can’t stop thinking about it.
Because now it finally made sense: The reason why I never worked out with anyone. The reason why twenty years passed by and still I’m here. I got confident, traveled the world, saw everything I wanted, did everything I wanted, and I became everything I wanted. But no one was enough for me. No one was what I wanted. And they never stood a chance. No one was her. No one them was Emily.
And in the middle of this entire monologue inside of my head, the buzzing on my phone at 10 p.m. showing her name on the screen was the last thing she expected to see.
Emily.
I let it ring once. Twice. Three times. Pick up.
“Emily.”
“Andy.” Her voice softer than I expected.
Silence for a second.
“I need to talk to you.” Emily’s stuttering for a second was also not expected.
“Sure. What is it?” Why did I not know what to say?
“Not on the phone. Would you... Would you meet me for lunch tomorrow?”
Emily was asking her to go have lunch with her.
“Yes.”
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name
Why did I say yes? Why is it that she is unreliable, crazy, completely untrustworthy and yet I'm here ready to give her the world if she wants?
***
The lunch went well. Emily’s hair bleached. So different, but still so her. Unpredictable. Insane. I missed the red. But the hair said enough before she could open her mouth. She was going through a rough path. No girl ever bleaches her hair like that without a mental breakdown first. And honestly, I could only relate. I wouldn’t do it, I'm confident, but still subtle. She was all over the place. Emily was everything, everywhere.
So, of course, as soon as she said she fucked up, I couldn’t even pretend to be mad at her. Not even for half a second. I wish I knew how to make her work for my forgiveness. But honestly, there was nothing to forgive. Everything she did, I understood. And honestly, she knew.
“I can’t believe you were willing to bend your morals for me.” She said.
She didn’t know I would do anything for her.
But what hurt the most. What killed me inside. What made me wish I could go back in time...
“I called you after Paris.” Emily’s eyes with a slight of emotion. As if what she was saying was way too intimate to be said. And I really didn’t understand what she meant.
She wanted to be my friend. She wanted to keep me in her life. Twenty years ago. And she had that bottled up. For two decades. Like me. And suddenly everything clicked. Shared gazes. Lingering eyes. Light touches. And mainly, her hurt eyes when we were alone for the first time in twenty years. They shared a moment. Decided to be friends.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” I felt like I needed to apologize.
“You didn’t.” Emily was still emotional and avoiding her eyes.
“You wanted me in your life and I wasn’t there. And I know it’s no excuse but, I really thought you didn’t.”
“Andy. I know I'm not the best at communicating, ok? It’s fine. I lied to you and betrayed your trust, and for some reason I don’t understand, but it’s probably your masochism, you’re still here.” She now looked at me again. And almost smiled.
“You know why.”
“I really don’t. And I fear you’re having a lapse of judgement. But that was always your thing.” Emily couldn’t help herself. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What can I say... You have a hold of me.” Oh fuck, what am I saying? Shut up, Andy.
Emily stared at me. Realization hitting her. Of what I had just said. She could make a snarky comment. She was too good at that. It would be easy. Or she would ignore it. My eyes were probably giving me away.
“You didn’t even care to come after me then. I have nothing on you. I know I lied to you, but don’t lie to me.” She delivered that with a serious face. She even tried to pretend as if it was as a joke, but I knew.
My walls were down. I couldn’t lie anymore.
“Emily, a week ago I was literally staring at you and your boyfriend. Hating him. You didn’t see me. But just watching you made me...”
“I saw you.” She said. Oh god.
“What?”
“I saw you when you left.”
“You were beautiful.”
“So were you.” I didn’t know what else to say. So, she continued. “Why were you watching me? I’m sure Nigel was having a blast saying whatever bad thing about me to you.”
“I don’t know why. I was just hypnotized. And you were too stunning. And he was just... never going to be enough for you.”
“Of course he wouldn’t.” Emily smiled. “He was an insane person. Even I know that. I know I'm not exactly what you would call normal. But he was just the means to an end. I’m sorry. I know I said that, but I'm sorry.”
“I don’t care about what you did. He was not good for you because no one would be. I would hate any other man around you. You’re too good for them.”
“Andy...”
“Will you let me say what I’ve been trying so hard not to say?”
“Damn it, Andy...” Emily’s eyes now teared up. “He wasn’t you. I know that.”
“None of them. None of them were me.” I just agreed, my eyes had started crying at some point, and I didn’t even realize. The feelings were just too overwhelming. And her blue eyes were just much brighter with her tears. I know it’s weird to say that, but she looks so beautiful crying.
“Wow.” Emily said after a minute of silence. “Twenty years.”
“Twenty years.” I repeated.
I took her hand.
She trembled. Clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Everything so public, and so raw.
“Will you come with me?” I offered my hand to her, I needed to take her somewhere else.
For my surprise. Or not. She just took my hand and followed me. She paid for the food. Too proud to let me do it. And we left the restaurant. Her hands still on mine. She let me lead.
We walked in silent, hand in hand, as if we would die if we let go.
Eventually we got to a park. It was empty. I looked for the shadow of a tree. And when we got there I just looked at her.
“Andy...” Emily’s voice showed fear. The feelings were there. We had already admitted the reality. But still, she was just a girl who waited so long to be loved, and now I had to do it right. Because I needed to make this work. Because I waited so long for her.
“Let me talk ok?” I asked brushing my fingers on her hand.
“Please, just... Don’t say anything just to be nice to me. Don’t say anything you don’t mean.” She looked terrified. I felt my heart sink in my chest.
“Em, stop.” I started. “Just listen ok? You were so untouchable, you always seemed like you were burning brighter than the sun, and I just thought you never cared. Now, thinking about the details, I just feel so stupid, because it was so obvious that you cared. I was just too clueless to notice. But now that you’re close, I’m coming undone. Because you are the reason why I keep on waiting for the perfect person and never finding them. Because just like your stupid boyfriend would never be good for you, no one was ever good for me. No one was you. And now that you’re here, I feel like this is a dream, like a million little stars are spelling out your name. No one was you. So, please, please, let’s not wait another twenty years.”
I talk too much. And my words just stumbled on to her. Her hands pressed mine a little bit tighter. Her eyes said so much, and yet I was so scared of her saying no. Which was stupid. Emily Charlton was tearing up in front of me. I never thought that this would happen.
And so, she hugged me. And we held tight for what felt like hours and seconds at the same time.
“I... I always wanted you.” She said almost in a whisper. Too afraid still.
But for me it was enough. That’s how she could love me now. And anything from her would be enough. I broke the hug just to look at her.
It was now or never.
I looked at her lips. But she was faster.
Our lips touched. And it felt like a little taste of heaven. Electricity moving through our bodies. I held her tight and kissed her for real. No more fear. No more antecipation. No more hurt. I don’t care about anything anymore. I just want her. I want Emily. With all of her most complicated words, with her remarks, and all the insanity that would come along. I deepened the kiss thinking about how long I waited for that. She held me tight. And at that moment I felt how much she wanted me too. All the feelings. Everything I didn’t feel for anyone else for so long. Everything rushed back to me. Our lips separated for a second.
“I can’t believe we waited this long.” I said smiling.
“You’re so gooey.” Emily said with a short laugh.
“I can’t help it. I’m just too in love with you.”
“Oh, god, Andy...” Emily rolled her eyes at me and chuckled. “You’re going to be the end of me.”
“I hope so.” I laughed. She shook her head.
“You’re so irritating. But... I’m in love with you too.”
I smiled. Probably the biggest smile I ever smiled.
“My god, stop looking at me like that.” Emily got shy and looked away.
“Kiss me, Em.” I asked.
She looked at me.
And kissed me.
The way she wanted. Messy. All over me. Intense. Just like her. The way she loved me. The way I loved her.