Chapter Text
I let out a sigh. I was finally done with this nine-hour operation. I came out of the operating theater and saw Ice discarding her mask and stuff. We went to wash our hands and came out. She almost collapsed on the ground and looked at her, “I’m glad this was a success, Dr. Tonfah.” I nodded and smiled at her. “But you don’t look exhausted at all, you look as fresh as you were when you entered the operating room, nine hours ago.” I was about to say something, but suddenly felt a weight of an arm over my shoulder, “Dr. Ice, you don’t even know how to tease.” I elbowed Hill. “No-No Dr. Hill, I wasn’t teasing Dr. Tonfah, I was genuinely saying. He is literally everyone’s role model. I aspire to be like him.” I was almost taken aback and laughed, “Dr. Ice, what are you even saying?”
“I am not joking Dr. Tonfah. Although I joined one and a half years ago, and I used to hear just praises about you, but slowly I started understanding, you are too good at your work.” I started shaking my head, “Dr. Ice, don’t feed his ego, I’m sure Typhoon does it more than anyone else,” and I elbowed him on his stomach again, “Ai Fah.” I looked at him, “You know what, Ice is right, you are too energetic after a nine-hour operation, and I know the reason today.”
“Is there something, Dr. Hill?” I could feel the curiosity in Ice’s voice, and again, even before I could say anything, Hill spoke. I wished he could let me speak for even once. “His lunch is coming.”
“Lunch?” he nodded, “You ordered lunch, Dr. Tonfah? But-”
“His boyfriend is the one delivering it.” And Ice’s face changed, and she was excited; her eyes were almost sparkling at the mention of Phoon. “Typhoon is coming?? Oh my-”
“Calm down, Ice,” I smiled at her. Ice knew Phoon, and they had almost the same interests. Knowing Phoon was an introvert, I always wondered how he clicked with Ice. Both would sit and talk for long hours whenever he visits. “So, now I see the reason why you are not even looking exhausted because your meow is coming with your lunch.” Meow, this is what she calls Phoon whenever she wants to tease me.
“And you would be busy for so long today-” I could sense what was Hill trying to imply, I almost hit him, and he stepped back and gave me a look, “It’s not like that, yesterday night when I went back to my condo, he was already asleep and he wanted to bring lunch for me because recently my work has been hectic and I don’t get time to spend with him, I don’t even get to ask him or talk to him like we usually do since past two weeks. So when I went to grab my stuff yesterday night, I saw a note on the table saying he would be bringing me lunch since it’s an off day and he wanted to spend some time with me here as well.”
“And you want to run to your cabin right now, I know you, Dr. Tonfah.” I was about to say something, but we heard the announcement for code blue. My mind went blank, and we three looked at each other because we were the specialists for the code blue team. I grabbed my scrubs, Hill grabbed his, and we three ran. “Code Blue, Room no 303”
Every time I hear this announcement, my heart picks up the pace because we never know what kind of situation we would be facing. After years in the ER, a Code Blue was no longer a trigger for panic; it was a command for absolute precision. Three of us were on different sides of the hospital and on different floors. No matter where we three would be, whenever it’s code blue, we have to rush. As doctors, our priority would always be saving the patient. “Isn’t this room the operation room?” I almost collided with someone on the way when I heard Ice say, “We can do this.”
Beside me, Hill and Ice were running; we were ready for whatever was waiting for us in the trauma bay. The sound og out footsteps echoed down the corridor—steady, rhythmic, and controlled.
Room 303.
Years in the ER had trained my body before my mind. My hands already knew what to do before I even thought about it. In my mind, I was already running through the checklist. Intubation kit, central line, epinephrine dosages.
But when we reached the room, something inside me paused.
A crowd of nurses stood huddled outside the closed door. They weren't rushing in with supplies. They were just standing there, rigid. Ice managed to run inside; it was Hill and me.
I frowned and didn’t get what was going on. I wanted to figure out what was going on and why no one was doing anything. “Why are you standing outside?” I asked, my voice flat, authoritative, and perfectly calm. “Get the crash cart in. Who’s running the code?”
Nobody answered. They avoided my gaze, stepping back as if my presence alone was dangerous. I held the authority; I was very well aware of that, but no one replying to me, or even moving, was making me almost furious because we needed to help. Through the glass insert of the door, I could hear White’s voice. It was sharp, but there was a tremor in it that didn’t make clinical sense.
“Don’t let Tonfah enter. Lock the door if you have to.” I heard her voice too clearly as she instructed Ice. Hill tried to get inside with me as well, but then I stopped. I was confused, I turned to look at Hill, and asked, “What does she mean, don’t let me enter? I’m attending on the record of this floor.”
Everything went dead silent; it was almost suffocating for the first time.
I saw Hill get inside, and Ice came out, almost in tears, threatening to spill. Ice reached out, her fingers locking tightly around my wrist. Her hand was trembling so violently that it shook my arm.
“Tonfah...” she choked out.
That was the first crack. In the ER, Ice never trembled. My chest suddenly felt strange, the oxygen thinning out in the corridor. “Dr. Ice, report. What happened? What’s the patient’s status?”
Hill stepped directly in front of me, his massive frame blocking the door’s window. “Fah. Stop.”
“Hill, move. We are losing time on a Code Blue, you know how dangerous it is for the patient lying down there,” I said, my voice almost raising on him, because he never did this. None of them was saying anything. I tried to look past his shoulder. “What happened?!”
I looked at his face. I didn’t see a colleague looking back at me. I saw a friend drowning in pity. The look on his face was making me feel everything, all the fear, all the things I’ve done till now, I was questioning everything right now.
For the first time in my career, I stopped thinking like a doctor.
“No,” I whispered. The calculated, authoritative voice was long gone. “No.”
“Fah, wait—"
“Move!” I shoved his arm away with a force I didn't know what possessed me, I forced the door open, and ran inside the room.
And then, the entire world stopped.
It stopped.
I couldn't hear anything anymore.
Not White.
Not the machines.
Not anybody.
Because lying there, on the steel hospital bed, was Phoon.
My Phoon, who was supposed to be in my cabin right now.
My brain stopped functioning; my brain couldn’t process whatever my eyes were witnessing right now. This was something impossible. My eyes were glitching; maybe I did overwork myself with the previous operation. There was no way this was happening.
Phoon was supposed to walk in carrying lunch, complaining that I worked too much, laughing at how serious I looked in my scrubs.
He was supposed to smile at me. He was supposed to be smiling in my arms when I held him.
Not this. Not this broken, pale body on a trauma mattress. Not this person covered in deep, lacerating cuts and the terrifying, bright sheen of fresh blood.
I took a step backward. Then another. My knees almost gave up, but Ice caught me from behind, anchoring me to a reality I desperately wanted to escape right now.
Yesterday flashed behind my eyes. The sticky note on my desk: I miss you. The soft kiss I placed on his forehead before I clocked in for my shift. I remembered smiling. I remembered thinking, I’ll see him tomorrow.
“No...” The word bled out of me, a shattered whimper.
White intercepted me immediately, her hands slamming onto my shoulders to keep me back. “Tonfah. Look at me.” I couldn’t even look at her; my brain had already stopped working, and my heart was about to give up as well.
“Let go of me,” I choked out, trying to force my hands to stop shaking, trying to find Dr. Tonfah inside me again. “I-I need to... I can bag him-him. I can stop the hemorrhage. Let me—”
“Tonfah, stop!” Her eyes were wide, wet, and absolutely terrified. It was the face of a friend watching an execution. “He was in a severe traffic accident. We need to move him to surgery immediately.”
“Then let me do it! I can run the line—”
“You can't!” That was the first time she ever raised her voice at me, and I wanted to yell at her, shout at her, I wanted to shout at everyone here who has been trying to keep me apart from my Phoon.
“Why?!” I screamed, the tears finally started burning hot against my face, “Why can't I save him?!” I didn’t even take a breath and continued, “Tell me, White, why CAN’T I SAVE HIM?”
I didn’t even let White say anything because the doctor in me already knew the answer. The ethical codes, the paralyzing terror, the blinding grief that made it impossible to hold a scalpel straight. I knew. But I needed someone else to say it. “WHY?!”
The room went dead silent, save for the mechanical whine of the ventilator. Nobody could say it.
Then, Hill’s hand settled heavily on my shoulder from behind. His voice was a soft, crushing weight.
“...Fah. You can’t. You can’t be his doctor right now.” I knew it very well.
I looked back at him through a blurred, drowning lens. “You’re Typhoon’s family.”
And for the first time in my life, the hospital walls completely caved in. I didn’t register the transition from the trauma bay to the hallway. I didn't feel my knees give way, nor did I remember sitting down. My brain, usually so hyper-focused and analytical, had completely dissociated.
Everything outside the operating room doors was a blur.
I still wanted to help him, save him. It was always me Phoon came running to whenever something was wrong. He promised me he would tell me everything, and I would go help him. Every time. But right now, I was useless.
I needed to see him.
I was about to take one more step ahead, but Hill gripped my arm, “Fah, no.”
“Let me go. Hill.”
“No.”
“Hill”
“Take Dr. Tonfah outside right now.” I heard White yell at the staff,
“Hill, escort him out.”
“I SAID NO.”
“Dr. TONFAH. Leave. Or I will involve security.”
I cried, “Please, no.”
“Out. Right Now.”
I had walked through those double doors thousands of times. They were supposed to be a boundary of healing, a place where I held the power. But standing on the outside? I hated them. I hated how aggressively normal the stainless steel looked. How could the world carry on so quietly when my entire existence was being cut open on the other side?
“Tonfah.”
A voice broke through the static. I looked up, my neck stiff. Ice was sitting right beside me. I hadn’t even noticed when she sat down. I couldn’t answer her. This was the very second time she called me by my name and not using ‘Dr.’ as a prefix today. My eyes pulled right back to the operating room. The red ‘In Use’ light was still burning.
Still on. Still on. Still on.
A dull pressure in my hands made me look down. My fingers were locked around something hard and plastic. I frowned, my conscious mind finally catching up to my body. When did I grab this?
It was Phoon’s lunchbox.
The lid had popped open slightly on one side. With meticulous, robotic precision, my hands moved to fix it, pressing the plastic tab back into place. That's when I saw it. Inside, carefully arranged were neatly cut pieces of fruit and rice.
And taped to the inside of the lid was a small, folded neon sticky note.
My fingers froze. I unfolded it with trembling hands.
P’Fah better eat properly today. Phoon woke up early to make this, so P’Fah better not say hospital food tastes better >:(
The breath caught in my throat, physically trapping the air in my lungs. I stared at the cute, angry emoticon drawn in his messy handwriting. Then at the rice. Then back at the sterile, unforgiving OR doors.
No. Stop. Do not analyze this.
If I started crying now, I won’t stop. Knew it too well.
Minutes became hours, completely losing all meaning. Pagers went off in the distance. Shift changes happened. Code announcements echoed overhead. But for me, everything was just still, as if I couldn’t even make any movement.
But I remained stuck to that plastic chair, terrified that if I blinked or looked away for even a second, the universe would take it as a sign to give up on him.
Suddenly, the pneumatic hiss of the OR doors cutting through the silence made me bolt upright. The lunchbox nearly slipped from my numb fingers.
“Hill.”
My voice was a raspy, almost a desperate whisper.
Hill stepped out, pulling his surgical cap off his head. His face wasn't just tired; it was hollow.
Blank.
The skin around his eyes was tight. As a surgeon, I knew that look. It was the face of a man fighting a losing battle against the clock.
“Is he stable? Is he okay?” I pressed, desperately begging for a clinical narrative I could cling to.
Silence. A heavy, suffocating silence.
“Hill, talk to me. Use your words. Please”
“He has extensive secondary trauma from glass fragments,” Hill said, his tone forced into a flat, professional register to keep his own emotions at bay. “The largest piece bent inward, dangerously close to the left clavicle. But the smaller fragments scattered into the tissue.”
I knew what Hill wasn't saying.
I knew exactly how dangerous that area was.
“What does that mean for his vitals?” I demanded. “What’s the status, Hill?”
Hill looked away. Just for a fraction of a second.
But that one-second delay in his reply told me everything. A cold, paralyzing dread flooded my veins.
“We’re still operating,” Hill muttered, his voice dropping, as if he was exhausted. He stepped closer, placing a heavy, grounding hand on my shoulder. “He’s fighting, Fah. He’s fighting.”
Before I could ask anything else, he turned and disappeared back through the double doors.
I collapsed back into the chair, the weight of the lunchbox heavy against my thighs. My mind violently dragged me back to that moment. Phoon, half-asleep and warm, wrapping his arms around my waist while I tried to put on my scrubs.
“P’Fah works too much… Take a day off… Phoon misses P'Fah.”
I remembered laughing. I remembered pressing a quick, distracted kiss to his forehead before rushing out the door. I remembered thinking, ‘It’s fine, I’ll see him tonight anyway.’
Those pneumatic doors hissed open again—this time, with a violent, panicked force.
A circulating nurse burst through, her scrubs splattered with fresh crimson. She didn’t even look at me as she yelled down the hall toward the blood bank liaison.
“We need additional O-negative blood packs in OR 3 immediately! He’s crashing!”
My head snapped up. It felt like my blood was dropping down, and I was losing it; I was feeling so helpless.
And for the first time in my entire professional life, my heart forgot how to beat.
I was dreading outside and inside. I couldn’t stop crying. I haven’t cried like this ever. I don’t even remember crying this hard and feeling like this. It felt like someone was just trying to rip it open, and they were being successful with the plan.
By the time the pneumatic door closed again, I was holding them, and my legs gave up holding that. I was kneeling there, praying if god existed, he needed to save Phoon, my Phoon. I couldn’t even dare to look at the glass door, I was scared, scared of everything. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
I suddenly remembered all the promises we made to each other. I remember once he asked, “Be it a promise, glass, thread, or breath itself. How long can they stay unbroken? Dull light, hollow dreams, and illusions; how long can we play with all these fake toys? Tell me, how does someone suddenly find all the cure for their wounds?” and I remember replying, “Believe me, love is the best cure in this world.”
I don’t even know how much time passed by and how long Ice was holding my shoulder, “He is going to be okay, trust me.” I was still sitting on the cold floor, and I was hoping and wishing desperately. “I-Ice” I broke down again. I am not strong; I was never strong when it came to Phoon.
“Typhoon will be okay.” Words couldn’t comfort me anymore, I needed to see him and smile at me.
I heard the door opening, I tried to get up and looked at Hill, I held his shoulders, “Tell me. Tell me where is my Phoon and how is he right now”
“Fah, are you stable enough to even hear?” I felt Ice’s grip on my arm.
Hill pulled me to the other side, and then I saw Phoon’s body on the stretcher, and White was leading it, “Hi-Hill, where-what?”
“We are shifting him to the ICU.” I was about to rush back to Phoon, but Hill stopped me. I turned to look at him, “Now what, Hill?”
“Tonfah, get a grip and hear what I have to say.” I almost got angry at him, but I held back. “It was a car crash, and glasses were stuck near his left collarbone, and there were injuries in different places, although it didn’t seem that serious. But the glass near his left collarbone, it was bent, and it was bending towards his heart. And we needed to take it out, I don’t think I have to explain the reason because you very well know. But while doing that, his vitals dropped and we needed extra blood packs, and we needed to close the wound as soon as possible. It was difficult to get his vitals back, but that’s not the thing, the main thing is he is not stable enough, so he needs to gain consciousness in the next 20 hours so we are keeping him in ICU.” Hill held my arm, “He is strong, don’t worry. He will wake up.” There was a small pause, “Go and see him, he needs you to get his consciousness back.”
“Let’s go and see him, and Dr. Hill please go and get freshen up.” Ice walked me till the ICU, “I will leave you here, so that it will be a time for you two. Please take care of yourself Tonfah” White walked out of the ICU, “Tonfah…” I couldn’t even look at her, even she looked tired. “When he was brought here, I was too shocked, knowing you were already in an ongoing operation I didn’t know how to react and then we had Blue Code, I knew you would breakdown and won’t be able to hold yourself, I’m sorry for whatever I did. I know how much you love Typhoon.”
“You did your work as a doctor, never be sorry. We are still at our workplace, you had all the right, and I am his family.” I tried to be as calm as I could, but I was breaking from inside, “I feel Hill already told you about everything, so it’s better you go and see him for now and take care.” He patted my shoulder and left, I went inside the ICU and saw Phoon’s body. I almost couldn’t breathe again, it felt like suddenly all the oxygen from this room was gone and I dragged my feet forcefully to the chair that was near the bed. Everything happening was against my will.
I tried holding his hand softly, “Phoon…” It came out as a whisper
“Wake up, Phoon, you can’t do this to your P’Fah.” I never felt this, I was never prepared for this. I always prayed to god, I can meet Phoon anywhere but not in a hospital; specially not in a hospital bed. “Please wake up, please,” I was breaking down from inside, and my tears started falling again. “Phoon, open your eyes, please!” he needs to open his eyes; he needs to gain his consciousness back.
“Phoon, it’s your P’Fah. Look at me, please.” The fear was consuming me, but I didn’t stop begging to him and god. What else can a man in love do, except for begging his lover and god?
“Phoon, you told me you would never hurt P’Fah, then why, why are you hurting P’Fah. P’Fah is going to lose his mind because P’Fah is hurt. Wake up right now. Phoon.” I was crying, I was sure if he was awake right now, he wouldn’t be able to even make sense out of half of the words.
“Phoon, you’re hurting your P’Fah, Phoon.” I lowered my head, and I started crying. My head was on his chest. I can’t lose him like this, not because of some traffic accident he had. “P’Fah will stop talking to you if you keep on doing this, Phoon.”
I didn’t want to let go of Phoon, I didn’t want to let go of anything. There was no way he would leave me, and I would have to be here alone, he needs to open his eyes.
I was supposed to be smiling with him right now, not crying like this. I always wanted Phoon to have all the happiness, and I wanted to give him everything he deserves, more than he deserves. For me, he is the one; nothing else mattered to me. If he wasn’t here, I can’t even imagine falling in love with anyone; in the end, without him, I am no one. There’s no meaning of my life. He needs to exist, for me to exist in this world; in this life.
“Phoon, please, I am begging you.” My sobs were getting louder. Did I ever cry like this? “Please P’Fah is begging. Come back to P’Fah, please, Phoon.”
“P’Fah” I shot my eyes open when I heard. “Phoon” I looked at him, he opened his eyes slowly, I wasn’t even sure he could see me clearly. The horror in my eyes was visible. I almost wanted to hold him and hug him tight but looking at his state, I had to hold myself back. I touched his cheeks, and kissed his forehead. “Phoon.”
“P’Fah?” I looked at Phoon. His voice was barely audible but it was loud enough for me to hear.
P’Fah… Phoon is sorry, don’t cry.” His voice sounded so weak, yet he was trying to speak slowly. I wiped my tears, “Phoon” I looked at his hand, and tried holding it softly. His hands were always soft and it always felt fragile for me to hold them. Phoon always felt like a dream to me, a fever dream where I keep on dreaming, and the love and longing always get deeper each second. I was almost scared to touch the other side of the cheek right now. “Phoon,” I gently kissed his hand. I couldn’t resist anymore.
My tears were falling, he tried to move his fingers, but I shook my head, “Don’t move, please stay like this Phoon, please” I cried more.
“Phoon is sorry, P’Fah.” I shook my head. I couldn’t describe what I felt. I kissed his forehead slowly. “Phoon, please never do this again.” He slowly nodded. “I was driving and suddenly a car came from a different lane and collided with me, after that I don’t remember anything. I saw the car leaving slowly and everything went black infront of me and now that I opened eyes, you were infront of me crying.”
‘Hit and Run’ case. I need to handle that soon.
“Phoon is sorry, Phoon will never.” I kept a finger on his lips and shushed him. “It’s okay, Phoon, you’re awake now. That’s what matters to me.” I held his hand slowly, “But Phoon made P’Fah cry.” I shook my head, “P’Fah was scared, that’s why P’Fah started crying. P’Fah thought he would never get to hear Phoon’s voice now; it felt like P’Fah’s world stopped and there was nothing left.” I took a pause, “P’Fah was so scared that he could never tell you how much P’Fah loves Phoon anymore, how much P’Fah wants to love Phoon more every second. How happy P’Fah is to love Phoon, it’s nice to love you, Phoon. It feels like I got another meaning of my life. Ever since you came to my life, it has always felt like I want to live life a bit more because of you. You mean ‘life’ to me and without you there’s no life without you. Promise me, you’ll never leave me alone or scare me like this ever again.”
He was about to say something, he took a breath, and suddenly I heard the ‘beeeeeeeeeeep’ sound and the moment I turned my head, I saw his vitals dropping. The eyes that were looking at me were now closed. Everything happened so fast, I don’t even remember how long he gained his consciousness, “Phoon, Phoon.” “Phoon, wake up, wake up. PHOON OPEN YOUR EYES.”
I ran out of the ICU, I saw White and Hill running towards the ICU. I also saw Ter and North along with them, “Wh-White White the vi-vitals.” White ran inside the room with Hill. I didn’t even get to hear what he told Ter, and Ter came to hold my arm when I was about to collapse on the floor again. “P’Fah.”
“He can’t leave, he can’t leave like this, everything is tied to him, my life, my love, my everything.”