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Captain's Log, USS Bedford NCC-92570
Captain Grunt recording.
There isn't a lot of communication with the Sheliak Corporate, which seems to be their idea - they're a bunch of xenophobic sapient rocks, like Horta with a bad attitude. However, they seem to have finally heard about the existence of the Romulan Republic, and refuse to believe Proconsul D'Tan's assurances that the Republic has no designs whatsoever on any worlds claimed by the Corporate. The Republic had dispatched one of their officials, an Admiral tr'Keiniadh, to negotiate with the Corporate, but apparently those talks have broken down - not surprising, really, given how long it took the Federation to hammer out the Treaty of Armens, and the fact that by the end that treaty was longer and more confusing than a Cardassian enigma tale. The Sheliak then called for third-party arbitration from the Federation, and as the Bedford just happened to be in the vicinity, we've been dispatched to hold the fort until an official diplomatic team can arrive in a few days. We should be assuming orbit around the planetoid set aside for negotiations momentarily.
"Admiral on the bridge!"
At the sound of Roclak's baritone call, Grunt stood and turned toward the turbolift. At the edge of the doorway there stood an unassuming-looking Romulan, with greying hair and a dark violet businesslike variant on the Republic Fleet uniform. "Permission to come aboard, Captain?" he asked, in lightly-accented Fed Standard.
"Certainly, Admiral, and welcome aboard," Grunt replied. "Will the Sheliak be meeting with us today?"
tr'Keiniadh grimaced. "I really can't say. It's refused to speak to me since shortly after the Emerald Soul arrived in orbit. It claims I 'blather'. And it doesn't even seem to want to speak to me." He shook his head. "It's really quite frustrating. I'm grateful our government didn't dispatch one of our younger personnel, or this might have blown up into an all-out war by now."
"Yes, well, let's see if we can avoid that," Grunt said. "Rock, hailing frequencies, please. I'd like to speak with the Corporate's representative myself."
"On screen, Captain," the Klingon replied. The main viewscreen was lit by what appeared to be a large stone, roughly carved into a vaguely humanoid shape, surrounded by a circle of light. Then the rock stirred, with a slight grinding sound. A voice emerged, one which (despite his best efforts) Grunt could describe only as "gravelly".
"The Sheliak are prepared for negotiation. Imprecision is not tolerable. Are the Romulan prepared to present a proper negotiator?"
"The Romulan representative has been attempting negotiation for two days, Ambassador," Grunt replied. "However, he reports no progress."
"There has been no progress because there has been no negotiation," the Sheliak replied. "The Romulan is not a proper negotiator."
"I don't understand," Grunt said. "Why is he 'not proper'?"
"The Treaty of Rlleilalu specifies who may negotiate. The Romulan representative is not proper. There must be proper assurances that our worlds will not become infested with lesser creatures."
"'Infest' is kind of an emotionally charged word, Ambassador."
"We cannot be held responsible for the illogical responses of lesser creatures. Terms must be defined with precision. There must be detail. Imprecision leads to conflict. The Sheliak Corporate does not desire conflict, but this does not indicate an unwillingness to resolve conflict by direct means if necessary. We inquire again: are the Romulan prepared to present a proper negotiator?"
tr'Keiniadh spoke. "Ambassador, I am prepared to speak on behalf of the Romulan Repub-"
The screen went blank.
"They've cut us off, sir," Roclak announced.
The Romulan sighed heavily. "Yes, he does that a lot. It's made trying to establish any kind of rapport very difficult."
"I really don't see the problem," Grunt mused. "It's not like you want their worlds - is it?"
"Well, not as such," tr'Keiniadh replied hesitantly. "However, there were certain mining claims ceded to the Empire that our Republic could really use. We'd like to maintain those claims, but the Sheliak keep referring to our miners as an 'infestation', and seem to want to keep the worlds entirely to themselves. One of the points I was sent here to argue was that we should maintain those rights. So far, I've gotten exactly nowhere."
Grunt rubbed his lobes thoughtfully. "There might be something we can use in the original Romulan treaty. May we?"
"Hmm? Oh, of course - the only state secrets that might possibly be in there belong to a state that no longer exists." tr'Keiniadh touched a PADD. "There, I've downloaded the text to your computer."
A portly Human form manifested next to Grunt. "You certainly have," Mycroft, the holographic AI interface, said brightly. "This certainly has some serious levels of complexity - in some ways, it makes the Treaty of Armens seem simplified."
tr'Keiniadh started. "And who exactly is this?" he asked Grunt, with a hint of frost.
"Oh, that's our ship's AI, Mycroft. He's really good at picking out the interesting bits from the data. Would you mind accompanying us to my ready room, so we can look this over?"
tr'Keiniadh smiled hollowly. "You may find there's quite a bit to 'look over,'" he said carefully.
Grunt chuckled. "You've never examined a Ferengi employment contract, have you?"
Four hours later...
Grunt stood suddenly and threw his PADD across the room. It bounced off a solid duraluminum model of the Hypatia and landed screen-down on the floor. "This is ridiculous!" the Ferengi shouted. "Every paragraph in here cross-references to at least three other paragraphs! And the last two referenced a document that wasn't even included in this package! How could anyone even know if they had violated this treaty?"
tr'Keiniadh reached down imperturbably and picked up the PADD. "Presumably, the damned rocks would know, and would express their displeasure. I used to be in the Imperial service about ten or fifteen years ago, but my ship never came near the Corporate--"
"Wait a moment," Grunt interrupted. "You just said something important, I think. Let me see that PADD... I read something in here... let's see... yes! I think I see! You say you were an Imperial officer, Admiral?"
"Well, yes, but I only reached Subcommander," tr'Keiniadh admitted a little shamefacedly.
"Yeah, that part's not important. Did you ever formally separate from service?"
"Not formally, no," the admiral replied slowly. "In fact, the Tal'Shiar tried to dragoon me back into service not long after I signed on with the Republic fleet, so they might still have me listed on the rolls..."
"Intriguing. Mycroft, do you still have access to those Imperial records? Anything about personnel?"
"Hmm, one moment, sir. I do have partial personnel records, dating to shortly before the Elachi attack on Virinat in 2409. I find one Subcommander Nniol tr'Keiniadh listed as 'missing without leave', but still on Imperial rolls."
"Hah! Perfect! They've never accepted you as a negotiator, Admiral," Grunt said with an air of satisfaction. "But I think I can make them talk to you now. Rock, can you get me the Sheliak ambassador again, please?"
"One moment, Captain," the Klingon's voice replied. "Patching you through now."
If possible, the sound of stone grating on stone stood out even more strongly than it had earlier. Grunt wondered if they'd caught the ambassador in his species' equivalent of a nap. "We are waiting, Federation. Will there be negotiation?"
"Ambassador, why have you chosen not to negotiate with Admiral tr'Keiniadh?"
"The creature speaks nonsense. Its words are contradictory. Worse, it has no authority to treat with us."
Grunt smiled. "Oh, I think there's been a misunderstanding, Ambassador. According to the Treaty of Rlleilalu, terms of the treaty can become negotiable when circumstances have sufficiently changed. Would you agree that the collapse of the Romulan Star Empire constitutes sufficient change?"
"Of course, creature. That is why we are here. We are here to negotiate a new treaty."
"And you object to Admiral tr'Keiniadh because you do not believe he has authority. However, under the Treaty of Rlleilalu, paragraph one thousand seventeen, subsection ninety-five, part nine, negotiations can proceed with the most senior officer of the Romulan Star Empire present at the time. Admiral tr'Keiniadh was formerly a Subcommander in the Imperial Fleet of the Romulan Star Empire, and according to available records, that appointment was never voided. Therefore, Nniol tr'Keiniadh is the most senior officer of the Star Empire present. I believe this means negotiations may commence."
There was a pause.
Finally, a grating sound came over the comm. "The law is paramount. The creature is accepted. Negotiations may commence. “
tr'Keiniadh inclined his head. "Very well, Ambassador. Under the circumstances, however, I would like to request a short recess of two standard days for further preparations."
“Understandable. A lesser creature such as yourself cannot be expected to be prepared at all times. In the interest of continued diplomatic relations, we will permit you to await the arrival of your Federation counterparts. Two standard days.” A loud click indicated that the Sheliak had once again closed the channel.
tr'Keinaidh stood, stretching. "Well, Captain, this has been - educational. I shall certainly bear this in mind if I ever have to negotiate with the Ferengi Alliance."
Grunt grinned. "If that day ever comes, be sure to read the Rules of Acquisition first. Among my people, I'm known as a soft touch."
"Indeed." The Romulan bowed. "I thank you for your assistance, captain. I'll be returning to my ship now; however, if you would not mind, I'd like you to stay until the team arrives from the Federation."
The Ferengi returned the bow. "Of course, Admiral. Anything for our allies."