Chapter Text
Deansville Pennsylvania, September 3rd, 1983
I wasn’t used to this, not used to this at all. I was already homesick within five minutes of being in the case worker's car. Homesick for the house I would come home to after a long day of loud noises and headache inducing light fixtures. The home where my mom would just be starting on supper, the smell warming and filling the rooms. The home that was filled with bits and pieces of childhood memories, both distant and close. The home where my mom had sat me down and told me everything would be okay, even after I felt like we’d lost everything. However it wasn’t “going to be okay,” at least, not anymore.
The road and forest seemed to stretch on forever as we rounded bends. My case worker, Sarah, was a nice lady. She had been put onto my case ever since I was thrown into the system about 6 months before. She was always checking in and making sure I was in a healthy environment. I knew I was lucky, other boys my age weren’t. Being put into cold settings they couldn’t handle after all they’d been through, being given to couples who were hoping for a cute little baby, not a traumatized teenager. I was being moved to live with my brother, Ricky, who I hadn’t seen since my parents divorce 8 years ago.
The divorce was messy, they had us both pick sides, tearing each of us apart. I couldn’t see why he’d pick my father, being the horrible man he is. Back when everything had originally come crashing down, I was fully prepared to risk the horrors of a foster home in order to get away from him. That all changed when they discovered he had been put in jail, moving the next possible “care taker” to my brother. I didn’t really have a choice though, besides, anything's better than gambling in the foster system.
The door swung inward as Sarah pushed it forward in front of me. I walked through the entrance, scouring the room for anyone that looked familiar.
We sat down at a table shortly after walking in and were handed menus. I hadn’t had much of an appetite since my mom passed, so I ended up pushing my menu to the side and opted to look out the window.
At least the scenery was nice. The parking lot to the diner was a decent size with cars consistently driving in and out. It was a Saturday after all, and it was just around 2:00 in the afternoon. The groups that filled the diner ranged from groups of teenagers, young couples with little kids, to older people who were starting to question their choice of coming to a diner on a busy day. There were tons of pine trees surrounding the place too. The sunlight shone through the branches and illuminated the dreadful pollen drifting off the trees.
When I was younger, before my whole life went to hell, my mom would take my brother and I hiking all the time. She had bought us both pairs of boots for Christmas after finding them on sale. She was the type of lady who would go on walks every other day. She’d normally get distracted talking to the neighbors though, completely losing track of time. So, when she had the chance to embark Ricky and I on one of her many hobbies, she took it.
I’m originally from Virginia. That’s where my mom and dad decided to “settle down” for once. There’s tons of pretty scenery there. I miss it.
I was brought back to the present after Sarah said something I hadn’t heard all the way in a sad attempt to get me talking.
“Hm?”
“I said Deanville’s a lovely town,” she answered.
“Oh, yeah, guess so,” a mumble came from my mouth. From what I had seen so far, the town was slightly run down. It was all on the side of the hill that the buildings were dotted across. There were a few bridges that went over the river that winded through the houses and streets. It seemed as if it was in the middle of nowhere. It really wasn’t though.
If I wasn’t so homesick I think I would’ve been able to see how open the town looked. How many new opportunities awaited me. Grief clouded my vision at that point in time though, and there was no getting me out.
“He should be here soon, being late wouldn’t make the best first impression.” She broke into my wandering thoughts again.
Just as if on cue, the glass door swung open for the 4th time in the last 10 minutes. And like every time, I swung my head to see if I’d recognize the person. Sure enough, this time I actually did.
Ricky’s tall and lean. His hair is dark brown that almost looks black and his eyes are a grey-ish blue. That day, he was wearing a garage band tee-shirt, jeans, and boots that looked like they’d seen better days. He didn’t necessarily have a style, he still doesn’t now. Both of us tend to dress pretty plainly, mostly just putting multiple layers on in the colder months.
He turned his attention to Sarah and I and walked over to our booth. Sarah stood up from across the table and shook his hand, “Lovely to meet you, Richard.” He sort of scoffed at that comment, maybe it wasn’t a scoff though, it was hard to tell. Sarah gave this sort of awkward expression on her face from the reaction. The one thing I had remembered about him was that he had a bit of a rocky relationship with his name. When we were younger, he always said that his name was too fancy whenever older people tried to compliment him on it. The true reason was that he didn’t like being reminded of how similar he was to our father. Same hair, same facial features, same body type. Come to think of it, I’m a little more lucky.
My hair is black and scraggly like my mom’s was, except it’s shorter and less well kept.. It falls in front of my eyes but sometimes parts of it will swoop towards my ears with a part just off center. It flips out at the back but it’s not as long as those goofy mullet haired guys. My eyes are a murky blue and I’ve got a few moles here and there. I’m 5’7”, last time I checked. Ricky’s still got a few inches on me.
“Ricky, please,” he responded. So far he was pretty well mannered. Maybe he finally had grown out of the reckless style of the boy I grew up with. Sarah’s face had lightened at that response as she realized he wasn’t trying to be rude, even though it seemed that way.
They both sat down, with Ricky sliding into the seat next to me and ruffling my hair. “Hey Ed, all grown up now huh?” I was 15, but sure, all grown up sounded about right after all I’d been through. “Ed?” He repeated.
“Oh yeah, guess so,” I replied.
He just smirked at that comment and turned his attention towards Sarah who was starting to explain the paper work to him. “So, they came and checked out the house a few days ago, right?” She asked as she flipped through the filed papers in her bag.
“Yep! Came the other day.” he responded, clicking the pen.
She then had him sign a few papers, look over a few legal things, had me actually look at a few things, then before I knew it, was standing up to leave.
“Well, everything checks out,” she started, “A social worker should be around in a week or so to do a check in. They'll be around you two pretty decently, nothing out of the ordinary though, Mr. Eddie knows the drill.” She gave me a light-hearted smile then walked us out to the car. “This is a great opportunity for you, hun, you’re in good hands.” She patted me on the shoulder and just like that, was off on her way, probably to go deliver another kid to their “forever home”.
A few beats went by, and Ricky wrapped his arm around me. “You’ll love it here dude, don’t worry ‘bout a thing.” he said, leading me over to the Chevy. He kept looking at me, waiting for a response, I never gave him one though.
We both hopped into the car and he turned the keys in the ignition. “Ready to get this show on the road, Ed?” he blinked a few times.
“Oh, yeah,” I said in a barely audible tone. I guess you could say I wasn’t all that keen on talking to him. Did that stop him though? No, not at all, it never would.
“So, what grade are you in now?”
“10th”
“Jeez- why’d you have to grow up on me so fast?”
“Not sure.”
“I’m thinking of joining the army after dad gets out.”
“Cool.”
“A good buddy of mine, Andy, you’d like him, is out in god knows where right now, took the first chance he got to get outa PA.”
“Mhm.”
“You thinking ‘bout going to college? You could go if you’re able to get a scholarship. I’ve heard there’s a few good colleges around here, it depends on what you're interested in though.”
“Mhm.”
“Whadya do?”
“Pardon?”
“Like- what’s your thing now? Everyone’s got their own thing.”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged.
“You don’t really know anything, do ya, kid?”
“Guess so.”
He went silent for a couple minutes, with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on his thigh. Silence slowly crept in and engulfed the seat. You could tell he was thinking, I couldn’t tell you what it was about though. Ricky’s a hard person to read.
“You play any sports? I once tried out for the football team, didn’t make it though, my hand- what’s-a-ma-call-it is absolute shit.”
“Hand eye coordination?”
“Yeah! That thing.”
“Jeez- you’re way smarter than me. You study dictionaries on the daily?”
“Nope.”
“You might want to think about getting a hair cut soon. I mean- it’s not that I’ve got a problem with guys with long hair, I once knew a guy with a mullet.”
“It’s not that long?”
“Yeah it is! Can you even see out of your bangs?”
“Yeah, I can see just fine.”
He continued on with random questions and statements like that for the entirety of the 45 minutes it took us to get to the house. I never gave him that detailed of an answer. I couldn’t tell you what else he asked me though. I can’t remember all the details.
Soon enough we were pulling up to the home. It had washed out grey shingles but the windows were pretty clean, like they had just been wiped that day. It was a two story house, with a brick foundation. It wasn’t an unusually big house though, just normal size. There were steps going up to the front door with a few loose bricks that I’ve proceeded to trip on the entire time I lived there. Ricky’s buddy said I’m “talented” in tripping up steps. In my defense everyone has tripped up those steps at least once, I’m the only one who's been noticed though.
We walked up the sidewalk after getting out of the car. Ricky jingled the keys in the janky lock, then proceeded to open the door. I quietly stepped onto the welcome mat and took off my shoes with my brother in follow. I put my shoes on the little rug the other few pairs of shoes were piled on. There were a pair of converse, Ricky’s boots, my sneakers, and a pair of older boots that looked to be my dad’s.
The stairs creaked underneath my feet as he led me upstairs. The house smelled like lemon scented cleaning solution with just the slightest smell of stale cigarettes. At the head of the stairs was a hallway lined with usually closed doors. The room I was staying in was to the right of the top of the railing pole.
Ricky opened the door for me, on account that I was carrying my duffle bag and dropped my backpack he had insisted on carrying on the floor with a thud. The bag had notebooks, pencils, and books in it, so it really wasn’t that big of a deal.
“I’ll leave you to it.” He said, shouldering me. “I’ll be downstairs getting started on dinner.”
“Kay, thanks.” I said as he made his way down the stairs with unsynchronized thumps.
The room had a good amount of light from the windows that had a twin sized bed underneath. You could tell there had been posters previously hung up since there were still a few pieces of scotch tape residue on the walls. There was also a set of bi-fold doors in the middle of one of the walls, which I assumed had opened up to a closet, and a dresser that was made of slightly beat up wood and was pushed against the other wall.
I started to put clothes in the drawers which didn't take me all that long since I didn't have a lot that needed to be put away. Over the course of time I was bouncing from foster home to foster home, I had lost a few pieces of clothing. When Sarah had come to the Reed’s door, the family I stayed with before Ricky got custody, I didn’t have all that much time to throw my stuff into my two beat up bags.
I opened up the closet door to find a few sweatshirts and long sleeve shirts already hung up. I didn’t own much warmer clothes at the time, so it was honestly a relief Ricky had given me a few of his hand-me-downs.
I picked the quilted blanket out of the bag and folded it on the bed. Along with hiking, my mom enjoyed sewing. Over the course of our childhood she made my brother and I many things. The quilt was the one thing that stuck with me though, all the others being donated or sold after she passed.
I threw my duffle bag into the closet and shut the doors, stepping back to breathe in the fact I was back with someone I was actually related to. The fact my mom was gone still hurt at the time, honestly I’m not even completely over it now, I just look at it with a different perspective. I was sad to be leaving her grave behind in Virginia. During the months of bouncing from home to home, house to house, the world seemed to go in slow motion around me. However it wasn’t ever actually moving at an inevitable pace, instead it still kept turning, I just couldn’t see it. I felt like I was stuck in a never ending loop of grief. Except I was never actually grieving her death, I was just unfeeling and numb. My wall had been sealed and there was no breaking it back down.
I opened up one of the windows since the room was a little stuffy, then made my way down the creaky stairs. I could smell pasta as I found my way to the kitchen. It smelled slightly burnt though. Sure enough, Ricky was standing in front of the pot listening to some indie rock band on the record player. “It’ll be ready in a second- mind getting the napkins, Ed?” He asked, turning his head to look at my poorly postured stance in the door frame.
“Yeah sure.” I grabbed two napkins out of the stack and wandered over to where Ricky had shown me the dining table. He soon came in followed with two plates of sad looking pasta.
We both settled into two seats at the corner of the table. For a while, I fumbled with my fork and pushed the noodles around the plate. I didn’t have much of an appetite, and in my opinion, Ricky’s food has never looked edible.
“I think- what’s-her face-” he started.
“Sarah?” I filled in.
“Yeah, that lady! She had me get you signed up for the new school year. It’s a decent school, I don’t think people will really mess with ya though.”
“Mhm.”
“Back to one word answers?” He dropped his fork for a second.
“Guess so.” I mumbled, not even looking up from my plate.
Ricky started again. “Listen man- I’m trying my best here, but you’ve gotta give me something. I want to get to know you again. I really do. Remember, us against the world?” It used to be us against the world, but that was a while ago.
When my brother chose to live with my dad, leaving me to take care of my mom, I lost all respect I had once had for him. When we were little, I followed Ricky around everywhere. We did almost everything together, even though he often got annoyed with me.
One time we almost got lost in the woods while camping. It was a sunny day, about early spring. Virginia has your typical weather patterns.
My dad had sent us out to go find some wood, or maybe it wasn’t wood, I’m not exactly sure. But the point is my brother and I headed into the woods with each other in search of something. I was about 7 and Ricky was 11, so about a year before the divorce. We started up a path but before we knew it must’ve taken a wrong turn. We tried to backtrack, Ricky’s suggestion, but it just made it worse. Halfway through our venture through the woods, I started to cry. I had completely given up on the thought of ever getting back. I thought we’d have to become forest children like in a fantasy book. Luckily, it was still daylight out, so it wasn’t like we were completely hopeless.
Ricky sat down next to me, it was getting to the point where I was gasping a little, I was a pretty sensitive kid. “We’ll make it out bud, we’re pretty close.”
“No we won’t, we’re lost. I don’t think I can walk any farther.” I remember complaining.
“Ya know-if you get tired you won’t get to roast marshmallows tonight.” he said, putting his hand back into his pocket.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah! If you're ‘too tired’” he enunciated “you’ll be asleep before we even roast hot dogs.”
“Ya know, I think we can go a little farther.” I looked up, squinting at the sun that was shining
through the trees.
“Okay then, let’s try that way.” he smiled pointing in the direction of a path we had yet to travel down.
I’m pretty sure we spent about 2 hours in the forest even though we were on a trip that should have taken 30 minutes at most. I’m not sure how my parents didn’t notice how long we were gone, they did that a lot. We eventually made it out though, after lots of whining from me.
Before Ricky left with my dad, he always helped me when I got upset like that. He was the person who sat with me when I got scared, always sitting on my bed with me and helping me to calm down. He was my rock, that’s for sure. That’s where the “Us against the world" saying came in. A few months before they finally signed the papers, my parents were fighting more than usual. Normally getting into a few screaming matches after dinner. I always got upset with the yelling, I didn’t like loud noises. Ricky would tell me they just weren’t “a match” for each other, that’s why they were always fighting. He put it simply even though it was actually way more complicated. He’d tell me no matter how much they hated each other, or got mad at us, he’d always be there for me. I was convinced he was telling the truth, but people grow apart, and there’s nothing you can do.
“I-I can’t” I stumbled over my words.
“What do you mean you can’t”
“That-“ I took a breath, “I haven’t even thought about that since you made the choice to go with dad”
“That’s what this is about?” He asked with a hint of agitation in his tone, “seriously? I didn’t do shit, you don’t k-”
“What do you mean you didn’t do shit?” I interrupted. “No, no you walked out and left me to-”
“To handle mom?” He looked me in the eyes as he finished my sentence. “ That good-for-nothing excuse for a mother?”
“She was a wonderful mother!”
“She was not, she was a sick woman who had no idea how to-”
“How to take care of us? Jesus Richard-” Ricky’s eyes went wide as I continued, “that’s all she knew how to do! She cared about us and loved us. There was nothing wrong with her. There never was. You just couldn’t see that because you were so caught up in-” I stopped myself. He stopped.
I felt it was my duty to defend her. In my mind, she didn’t deserve to be called anything remotely close to sick after all she’s been through.
Instead of yelling, guilt tripping, or even hitting like my father would’ve. He stood up from his chair as it squeaked against the floor boards, picked up his plate, wiped the excess food into the trash can with a napkin, set his plate in the sink, and walked up the stairs, without saying a single word. It was weird. Really weird. I was expecting him to be like my father, honestly I think 15 year old me was trying to push his buttons in order to prove something to myself. However my brother didn’t budge, didn’t get angry, and didn’t yell, he never has.
I wasn’t prepared for him to walk off, so I just sat there. It doesn’t seem like I said all that much, but I did. Like I said earlier, Ricky hates being compared to my father, even in the slightest way. My father wasn’t a drunk, sure he drank sometimes, but he wasn’t the drinker of the family. He was just angry. He just found out how easy it was to control people from a very young age, and he used it a lot. Ricky hated him with his entire soul, he still does, and that will never change.
Suddenly the wooden chair I was sitting in was cold and uncomfortable. The house was filled with an awkward silence and all I could hear was my breathing that was starting to hitch. And once again, I was alone.
Deansville Pennsylvania, September 4th, 1983
The sunlight shone through the window and illuminated the dust particles floating around in the room. I didn’t get much sleep the night before. I ended up in my bed after I sat in the cold kitchen for about 25 minutes. There wasn’t much noise in the house in the morning aside from the quiet humming of air coming from the vents. I decided to take a shower in order to hopefully get out of my head.
Ricky had told me I was welcome to take one whenever I needed. I let all the soapy warm water run down my back and wash my thoughts away. My head was whirling and I thought a shower would help me to breathe, but it just made things worse. I quickly shut off the faucet after rinsing with cold water, a habit I picked up from my brother when we were younger, dried myself off with a clean towel, and put on clean clothes. Luckily he wasn’t up yet, so I took the chance to tip-toe into the kitchen. My plan was to make some breakfast, enough for us both, and offer it with an apology in order to give myself a chance to explain. I opted for scrambled eggs, since that’s the superior breakfast choice.
I grabbed a pan from under the counter and cracked a few eggs, whisked them with a fork, melted some butter on the pan, and added a dash of milk before pouring it onto the heat. It probably was a sucky apology, but I needed a conversation starter.
As I was turning down the heat I heard the front door open, followed by sounds of shoes being thrown off. There was a loud thud before I was finally able to make out some sort of sentence.
“Alans! You awake yet?” A voice echoed through the hallway leading to the kitchen. “I swear- I think that girl from the other night-” He stopped as he turned the corner and faced me.
Out of all my brother’s friends, which now that I think about it isn’t that much, Fox is the most interesting character. His hair is a light brown but had bleached tips from a dare he did with another one of their friends. That day he was probably wearing a green jacket over a t-shirt and jeans, which is his default attire on a fall day.
“Intruder!” he yelled. I have no idea how I didn’t catch or react to it, but all of the sudden a rainbow colored object came flying at me. With my luck, it managed to perfectly hit me in my eye socket at full force. Luckily Fox can’t throw that hard. I winced at the sudden pain, instinctively putting my hand over the eye and completely forgetting about the eggs on the stove.
He opened his mouth to speak but in perfect timing, as it always happens, Ricky slid down the hallway wearing sweatpants and no shirt. “Hey Fox! Didn’t know you were- oh-” He paused looking at the situation in front of him.
“You know this kid?” Fox asked.
My brother let out a sharp laugh, “Yeah, he’s my brother. Ya know, the one that lived with-” he paused, “my mom in Virginia.”
“You have a brother?” Fox exclaimed loudly, completely unaware of his vocal volume. “Jee- the house was so quiet I was starting to think the old man finally kicked you out.” he chuckled, nudging Ricky in the shoulder while he leaned in the doorway.
“Hi, I’m Eddie.” I turned to Fox, finally breaking the silence.
“I’m Fox,” he responded with a grin
I took a moment, “Your name’s fox?”
“It’s a nickname.”
“Why would you pick that as a nickname-”
“It’s a long story.” He made that eye contact with Ricky that told me the story was a weird one that happened between my brother and him.
“Sorry I threw a hacky sack at you,” he apologized, “I thought you were a burglar.”
The expression on Ricky’s face changed from tired and half asleep to completely confused. “You saw a scrawny teenager standing in the kitchen and thought he was robbing us? There’s nothing of value here.”
“Who’re you calling scrawny?” I defended myself. They both just looked me up and down, then continued.
“And why in the world was your first instinct to throw a hacky sack at him?”
“It was the first thing I found in my pocket!” Fox said playfully as he started to laugh.
Ricky mosied over to the freezer and grabbed an ice pack. “You should probably put this on your eye” he said, handing it to me, thankfully not throwing it.
“Thanks.”
“You guys doing anything exciting today?” Fox asked.
“Not really, probably just showing Ed around” Ricky responded, reaching around me and turning off the stove.
“Sounds fun! I think I’m just going to bum around, my ma’s on one of her cleaning sprees again, so I don’t want to get in the way of that.” He started back down the hallway, “have fun with your brotherly bonding!” I then heard some more thuds, then the door slam shut.
Once again the house went silent. Ricky coughed, “So- eggs? I’m not a good cook but don’t think you’re supposed to have them on the heat for that long.”
I finally decided to make eye contact and speak after standing there for a moment. “Yeah, I know, I just got distracted. What’s it that you're so excited to show me in town?”
“Just a bunch of random stuff,” he smiled, “Let’s get dressed, then we’ll make a break for it.”
For the first time since getting into town I grinned back, my dimples showing, “sounds good!” I had wanted to talk about the night before, hopefully to get a chance to untangle the prevailing pit of guilt I had tangled in my stomach, but he slid back down the hallway and up the stairs before I got the chance.