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Three essays, two research papers, five exams next week: that was everything Courtney had to prepare for in the coming days.
She would get home, run a quick shower (absolutely no more than ten minutes, or else her time would be wasted), sit down at her desk, open her laptop, and start studying.
Today was going to be no different to yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before.
Eat. Sleep. Study. Sit an exam. Make sure that you only ever get the highest grade, because anything other than that is disappointing, and not who Courtney is.
Courtney’s entire life centred around rules. Some were set by others. Most were set by herself.
3:55pm. Courtney is running behind schedule; she’s supposed to have passed the bookstore already, but she’s a block away. She’s usually not late, but her bagel took longer today. This is a problem, because every minute wasted is a minute away from studying.
Courtney picks up the pace, pushing through crowds, ignoring the scowls sent her way. She was used to them. Courtney wasn’t someone “easy to digest”, and she was fine with that. She’d heard every descriptor under the sun after her little Total Drama rodeo. Stuck up. Bossy. Competitive. Stubborn.
When the whole world knows you in one way, it’s hard to be anyone else. So, Courtney bathes in it, and shows everyone exactly the person who she’s supposed to be.
If there’s anyone else in there, that girl was long gone, left behind on the Total Drama filming set, along with the past selves of anyone else who walked onto that show.
Ugh. Courtney needs to stop thinking about Total Drama. As far as she was concerned, that was (thankfully) no longer a part of her life.
4:01pm. Courtney is no longer as behind schedule, but she still needs to pick up the pace. Her heels clacking against the pavement, she thinks about everything she needs to get done today, getting lost in her thoughts.
Essay. That should take three hours to get done. Research paper. I won’t finish it tonight, but I’ll devote exactly two hours. No more, no less. Exam. I’ll do a few hours of studying. Do I have dinner planned? Yes, I have leftover pasta. I should text Gwen back. I haven’t messaged her back in a while. Does she even want to talk to me anymore? She still has good friends from the show that aren’t me. Most people grew tired of me. Should I still message her back? It’s been too long. But I’ve been busy. She’d understa–
She's interrupted by an overly excited voice.
“Oh, my God. Are you Courtney? From the Total Drama?”
Courtney turns around sharply to face a girl who must have been around her age, if not a bit younger. Her blonde hair was tied up in a messy bun, her brown eyes darting around excitedly. She’s a bundle of energy, happiness radiating from her.
“Uh,” Courtney says, then clears her throat. “Yeah. That’s me. Can I help you?”
4:03pm. Courtney should be passing by the laundromat now, but instead she’s stuck here. She takes a deep breath: it's not the girl's fault she caught her on a busy day.
“This is actually the most exciting day of my life,” the girl laughs, then takes out a notebook and a pen. “I’m like, oh my God, I don’t even know where to start.”
Courtney gives her a tight-lipped smile, tapping her foot.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t have that much time. I am in law–”
“– In law school, and you’re a busy woman, yeah, I know. But please, just hear me out.”
Courtney doesn’t know if it’s because the girl reminds her of herself before Total Drama – full of passion, of life, of joy, someone Courtney could only ever dream of being now – but she finds herself giving in.
“Fine,” she sighs. “But make it quick.”
The girl grins.
“Okay, so. My name is Mia, I’m in college for journalism, all that fun stuff. I’m writing an article on celebrity culture and personal relationships, and I’ve landed a few interviews from like, minor celebrities, but if I could just get you to answer a few questions… God, I’d literally have the best article ever. Please?”
Courtney freezes in place. Talking to someone about her Total Drama experience? Huge pass. She’d not even come to terms with everything on that damn show herself, much less spoken to her castmates about it. Talking about this all to a stranger is… unthinkable.
And yet, somewhere deep inside of her, there is a heart. Total Drama and the way she was painted on it may have tried to take that away from her, but it exists!
Which is why, before Courtney can catch herself, she finds herself responding.
“One question. I’ll answer one single question, but then I really have to go.”
Mia erupts into a smile.
“You are like, actually the best. Oh, God, what do I even ask?”
Just make it quick, Courtney thinks to herself. She’s planning on giving some generic PR answer (she’d gotten good at PR-esque statements; it came not only with training to become a lawyer, but also with needing to cover up how she’d acted on the show), helping Mia get some decent grade on whatever this was, and moving on with her life.
“I’m so sorry, I just like, did not expect this to be happening! Okay, okay. I guess there’s one thing that I’ve wondered for quite some time…”
“And that is?”
There’s a bit of an awkward pause before Mia continues.
“Um, so… I’ll just cut straight to the point,” she coughs. “What was your favorite thing about Duncan?”
Courtney freezes.
“I’m sorry?”
“You and Duncan! You two were like, the Total Drama couple. And I know that things didn’t end in the best way, but like… what was your favourite thing about him?”
Duncan.
Duncan was not a name that Courtney tried to think about very often.
Not after… everything.
Their breakup hadn’t been the smoothest.
It was hard to say who was at fault, really. The easy answer was neither of them, that they had been destroyed by the show. The hard answer was that they were both broken before the show already, had fixed each other momentarily, but nothing on reality TV was built to last. Maybe the show was a punishment for the both of them, maybe they were both a punishment for one another. They might have made each other better, but what if they had ruined each other, too?
But... things were fine. Sure, they had gone incredibly on and off after Total Drama: Action, but they were always supposed to be fine in the end. They always worked it out! No matter what! That was like, their whole thing!
And all of a sudden, Chris had started to notice those cracks, and began to exploit it like the evil person he was. Everything done only for the audiences. The whole Gwen subplot was evil, because it may have been scripted, but suddenly, all of their relationship issues were put on blast to everyone, and they had both become insecure now, and suddenly they couldn't tolerate one another, and God, now they were unable to make it up to one another after one of their fights? Suddenly, everything that had once been "solved" went crashing down on them, leaving them both in the debris of it all.
They had always been worth it to one another. What made it different this time? Was it just that their relationship issues had been made public? But they had signed up for this. They were on reality TV; things were always going to be public. Maybe they were doomed to fail as a result of those circumstances.
“Courtney? Your favorite thing about Duncan?” Mia urges.
Courtney bites her tongue.
My favourite thing…
I really liked the way he looked at me, as if I was the only girl in the world.
Courtney remembered the first time he’d given her that look. How could she not? It was her favorite feeling for a while.
There was a team campfire one night, and everyone was huddled around, roasting marshmallows. It was almost cozy. As everyone had begun to get to know one another, friendships were starting to bloom. There was a feeling of togetherness, of unity, of solidarity.
And yet…
Courtney still felt lonely.
Nobody was that interested in talking to her. Sure, they listened when she had something to say about the challenges, or about strategy, but whenever the cameras weren’t rolling (well, they always were, but the off-hours footage was never used), nobody bothered to talk to her.
It was an isolating feeling.
But Courtney was a tough girl. She could take it. She’d spent years in a similar position at school. What was eight more weeks?
As everyone was sharing stories about their lives around the campfire, Courtney swallowed the loneliness and looked up.
And that’s when she saw it.
Duncan was sitting across the fire, completely quiet for once.
He was looking right at Courtney.
Or, well, looking was the wrong word. He was gazing at her with such affection. The light of the fire reflected in his eyes, making them glow ever so slightly, but in the centre of it all was Courtney. Nobody else was there to him then, and she had known it.
Courtney needed to calm the fireworks going off in her chest at that moment, because wow. In that moment, it was just the two of them in each others’ worlds, a flame in each other’s hearts.
Which was so scary, because this wasn’t who Duncan was! Duncan was mean, annoying, and cold! He was supposed to bother Courtney, supposed to fake flirt with her because it drove her crazy. He wasn’t supposed to fall for her, and she especially wasn’t supposed to fall for him either: he was everything that Courtney avoided! Courtney followed every rule, Duncan broke every single one and more. Courtney cared about everything just a little too much, and Duncan didn’t bother with anything or anyone. Courtney was uptight and strict, Duncan was chill.
They didn’t have anything in common, and it was supposed to stay like that.
But Courtney had realised that evening that for all their differences, the one thing that would link them together was the fact that they both would be willing to stop time and get lost in the other’s eyes. Those damn blue beauties were brighter than the ocean, and they were reserved for Courtney and Courtney only.
She loved the feeling, and she hated that she loved it.
Duncan never stopped giving her that look. No matter how much they argued, no matter how much space they would give one another, he would always glance over at her with that affection in his eyes, and Courtney would always melt a little bit inside.
Even the last time she’d seen him, right after filming had wrapped for All Stars, and it was likely that the two of them would never see each other again, because now they properly hated one another and they didn’t have Total Drama as an excuse to talk anymore, and Courtney’s parents had picked her up from the airport, ready to return to a normal life, she dared look back at Duncan.
And he was standing there, gazing at her with that same affection still. It was like nothing had changed between the two of them, and somewhere inside they were still two stupid teenagers, ready to take on the world side by side.
Time passed, and Courtney never did forget Duncan and his stupid, affectionate look. She would fall asleep to its fading memory some nights.
I also liked when we both annoyed one another.
Duncan had been sent off to the fish cabin one night on Total Drama as a punishment. Chris, being the insane man that he was, had sent him off without food for the night.
Courtney felt like she had to bring something to him. It may have been Chef’s slop, but it was still better than nothing. She creaked the door into the fish cabin open.
“Hello? Duncan?”
It was hard to describe Duncan’s facial expression as anything other than smitten. Courtney ignored the somersaults in her chest.
“Princess!”
“I wish you’d stop calling me that,” she rolled her eyes. A lie, of course. It was Courtney’s favorite nickname. Not like she’d ever admit it.
“So? Come to claim that kiss?” Duncan smirked.
Courtney chose to ignore that. They both knew that she had zero interest in it.
“Even pigs deserve a meal,” she said, shoving Chef’s porridge towards him.
“Mmm, no thanks. I’ll stick with the bait.”
“Yeah, well, that’s all Chef would serve us after our pathetic performance on the obstacle course,” she sighed. “Why do you egg Chef on like that? You know you’re going to get in trouble.”
“Why are you so uptight all the time?” Duncan raised an eyebrow. A valid observation, but one that Courtney hated.
“I am not uptight!”
“You always follow the rules.”
“Well, you always have to break them!” Courtney shot back. She was at once incredibly annoyed by Duncan, and also weirdly attracted to him. Eugh. Not a thought for today. It was probably the exhaustion getting to her.
“Only the ones I want to,” Duncan shrugged.
“Okay, so, maybe I do follow the rules. I guess that makes me a big, uptight loser in your books, right?”
“Maybe.”
Why had that hurt Courtney to hear? Why did she want Duncan to think well of her?
“Ugh!”
“So then, why do you follow them?”
There’s a genuine curiosity in his voice now, one that Courtney wasn’t used to.
“Because not following them gets you thrown into a fish cabin!” she sneered, pushing a fish towards Duncan. He pushed it away, his eyes meeting Courtney’s.
A beat.
“But I’m in the fish cabin with you, aren’t I?”
Courtney bit back a smile. Duncan did, too. It was weirdly intimate, weirdly friendly, and definitely not what it was supposed to be, because Courtney followed the rules, and Duncan was most definitely not within the realm of rule-following.
“Feel like ditching this place for some peanut butter and jam?”
“Oh, are you kidding?” Courtney perked up. “All I’ve had for two days is… whatever that was. But Chef will never give anything to us.”
“See, now that’s the problem with your thinking! The trick is to not ask for it.”
What an idiot, Courtney thought, affectionately.
“Do you have some on you?” Courtney giggled, then straightened her face, because she needed to calm herself.
“No, but I happen to know where to find it. It will involve breaking quite a few rules, though. Are you in?”
She shouldn’t say yes. Courtney was a rule follower, and she was happy that way.
Or was she?
She had spent her whole life pleasing others, doing as she was expected, because she was always the one who was reliable. If nothing else, she would have that to latch onto. But where had that landed her? People still found her annoying. Maybe she wouldn’t please anyone either way. What did she want to do?
“Let’s do it.”
Duncan broke into a grin.
“Well, alright then.”
That night was the most fun that Courtney had in her entire time on this show. She had never felt as free as she did then, running away from the cabin, following Duncan.
Letting herself be free was what she had been missing. Duncan let her be free in a way nobody else did. And yet, he’d still made her feel safe.
Later that evening, Duncan walked up to Courtney, smirking. No doubt waiting to say something stupid. Courtney wanted to hear it.
“So, the princess has a dark side.”
“Okay, that was really gross. But, God, it was so fun, I almost wanted to break more rules.”
“Well, you could finally give me that kiss, that’d break a few rules.”
“Ugh, you’re still not my type.”
“Fine! Enjoy your peanut butter-less life.”
“Thanks! Enjoy prison.”
“I will.”
Courtney leaned in then, days of anticipation building up. She shouldn’t want Duncan, but maybe that was why he was so appealing to her. He was supposed to be off-limits, but…
He had just taught Courtney that she could do whatever the hell she wanted.
And maybe, just maybe, she wanted him.
Their lips met, and Courtney suddenly forgot about everything that was going on in her life. None of it mattered then. All that mattered in the moment was that Courtney liked – really liked – Duncan, and Duncan liked Courtney, too. For who she was, rule follower or not. All that mattered was that Duncan had seen Courtney, and Courtney had seen Duncan. She could feel her heart beating alongside Duncan, and for once in her life, her head was clear of thoughts; all, except the sheer joy that was radiating through her body.
Eventually, they pulled away, and Courtney, acutely aware of the flushing in her cheeks, began walking away, back towards her cabin. I need to tell someone about this. Holy fuck.
“Still not my type!” she called out behind her, leaving a starstruck Duncan alone under the midnight stars.
He could also be weirdly comforting, when he wanted to be. Which was often with me.
It was a particularly rough night right after Total Drama: Action. The hate comments were getting to Courtney. They said everything under the sun about her. That she was the worst thing to happen to this show, that she ruined every episode she was in with her attitude, and far, far worse, if she scrolled down far enough.
Courtney had read all of the comments and internalised every single one.
Total Drama had become her life, and the way she had started acting was the person she was cursed to become. All the criticism was from people who had started seeing the person she was becoming, and she couldn’t argue against it, because she was moulding herself into the very girl she had started hating.
Her and Duncan were on a break then. Technically, he was her ex. But she was having a particularly rough evening, and in a moment of weakness, she had dialed Duncan’s number.
He picked up instantly, of course.
There was a moment of silence, only the sound of static over the phone audible.
“Princess?”
It took everything for Courtney not to burst into tears on the spot.
“Can… can you come over?” she said, voice shaky.
Courtney didn’t even finish the sentence before Duncan was getting in his car, driving over to her, staying on call the entire time.
Courtney was waiting for him on her front porch, and as soon as he saw her, his entire face lit up.
“Waiting for me, princess? I’m honored.”
“Just shut up and let me in your car. I wanna get out of here.”
“It’s two in the morning and you want to ditch? That’s unlike you, but hell yeah.”
Courtney got into Duncan’s car, rolling her eyes, and he looked over at her, properly noticing her tears.
“... Are you okay?”
“Fine. Let’s go.”
“You called me at two in the morning and asked me to come over. What’s wrong?”
Courtney hesitated for a second before letting everything spill out. Duncan had seen Courtney far worse.
“I just… I can’t take it anymore! I really can’t! Are you seeing what everyone is saying online?” she laughed almost manically. “They’re saying I ruined the show, that I made everyone worse, that the reason nobody seems happy is because of me!”
She didn’t even bother hiding the tears that rolled down her face. This was pathetic, this wasn’t who she was. Courtney was strong, put together, determined. Courtney didn’t cry in the arms of her ex-boyfriend because of what some people said online.
But Total Drama had long changed who she was. Duncan had seen it all.
“Was I really that bad, Duncan?”
Suddenly, a familiar hand was on Courtney’s back, holding her tight. The same hand that had always been there for her, for better or for worse. She leaned in, resting her head on Duncan’s chest. She could feel his warm breath on her face as he massaged her back. Neither of them said anything. They just sat in each others’ familiarity.
Eventually, Duncan sighed.
“You know, some days I think that I should have never gone onto the show. I’m sure we all do.”
Courtney nodded. That was an understatement.
“But… I don’t regret it. And I never have, not for a moment. You know why?”
“Hm?”
“‘Cause I wouldn’t have met you otherwise. You’ve made me into the person I am today. You’ve made me better. You’ve made me worse. You… God, you’ve tested my patience in ways that I didn’t know were possible.”
In spite of herself, Courtney snorted.
“But you’ve also shown me what it’s like to love someone, you know? No matter how much you annoyed me, no matter how much you made me want to rip my hair out–”
“I wish you would, sometimes. We need to get you a better haircut,” Courtney laughed in between sniffles.
“You made me a better person, princess. You brought a light into my life that won’t ever leave now. Nobody on the stupid internet can change that, no matter what they say. You know that, right?”
God damn it. We’re supposed to be broken up. Get your shit together, Courtney!
Before she could quite realise what she was doing, Courtney leaned into Duncan, her fingers tracing his jawline, pulling him closer and closer still. Her eyes fluttered shut, and she let herself bathe in the familiar taste of the man she’d once loved, and, if she was being honest, would always love a bit.
Eventually, their lips parted as Duncan’s hands combed through Courtney’s hair with such delicacy that he’d only ever reserved for her. She didn’t bother taming the fireworks in her chest. There was no need to.
“Should we have done that?” Duncan smirked.
“Probably not.”
“Wanna do it again?”
Courtney didn’t dignify him with an answer, and leaned in again, letting Duncan’s hands brush across her face as their lips met. She thought that if she could just hold him for a bit longer, everything would be okay.
Truth be told, everything was my favorite thing about him. I loved him, once. A part of me always will. How can you look past that?
Loved. Past tense. Before Total Drama came in and ruined everything, just like it always did.
Sure, our relationship was complicated, but it was our complicated! We were supposed to make it work no matter what. Why didn’t we?
“Courtney?” Mia’s voice brings her back down to earth. “Sorry to ask again, but… your favorite thing about Duncan?”
“Ugh, will you give it a rest?” Courtney snarls, aware of the annoyance in her voice.
Mia looks taken aback.
“I–”
“There’s nothing I like about Duncan! Nothing! Since you’re such a big Total Drama fan, you should know that! Stop wasting my time with stupid questions about my stupid ex boyfriend!”
“Courtney–”
Tears in her eyes, she turns away.
“That’s my answer to your question. I don’t have a favorite thing about him. Thanks for your time.”
Ignoring whatever Mia has to say next, she turns away into the city, letting the crowd swallow her.
Her thoughts are elsewhere, though.
Duncan did always say that Courtney wasn’t made to follow rules. He was living proof of that.
Maybe he was right.
4:10pm. She’s running awfully late now, way behind schedule. There was no way she’d get home on time.
Oh, what the hell. She had already gotten sidetracked. What was another distraction?
Pulling out her phone, she dials in a number that she knows awfully well.
It rings once.
Twice.
A third time.
Suddenly, an all too familiar voice echoes into her ear.
“Princess?”