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He hadn’t been to this bar in a long time.
Maybe that was the reason he chose this place tonight.
Last time he was here, things were so great... Until he sabotaged it all. Since then, it’s just been one disaster after another.
His mind played the video the lawyer had shown to the judge, and for the first time, he saw how reckless he’d been with his life, and how dangerous it was.
Poor Bobby. He had tried so many times to teach him, and he never learned.
He drank the first shot of tequila, noticing a woman getting closer to him at the bar, but not today. He came here to think, to look for a connection with a past he knew was right. He kept looking at the game on TV until he felt her leaving.
He sighed.
He was so good at work, but how could he make things in his life be good too?
How could he solve this? How could he change their mind, convince them he could be a good... father?
He felt his eyes burning and hoped it was from the tequila.
“Here.” Another shot appeared in front of him.
“I didn’t ask for this.”
“I know. That guy asked me to give it to you.” Her finger pointed to a crowded space in the bar, but he knew exactly where to look. And how to smile.
Beautiful as always, today he wore a blue shirt and jeans that brought out the color of his eyes. A shy smile towards Buck made his eyes crinkle. His body seemed... bigger... hotter. He was surprised to find him alone.
He stood up and went to thank him. He told himself that was the only reason, but his heart kept saying that was the connection he was looking for. “Hey… Thanks for the drink.”
“It seemed like you needed it.”
Buck looked at the floor, embarrassed. “Yeah… I think I do.”
His smile had always had the power to make his legs weak, but his eyes… it was a different thing, a different place he traveled to with no will to come back.
He tilted his head, frowning slightly. “Are you okay? I know that we haven’t been in touch, but I… I care for you, Evan.”
This time, it was his eyes getting weak. “It wasn't… I don’t blame you for keeping distance. Our last conversation…”
“We don’t need to talk about this. Not today. Today isn’t about us.”
“I care about you, too.”
He smiled again, tenderly. “You didn’t need to say it back.”
“I wouldn’t if it wasn’t true.”
They stayed a few seconds lost in each other’s eyes, interrupted by someone bumping into Tommy and throwing him into Buck’s arms.
“Oops…”
“You could ask for a hug, you know?”
“Fuck you, Evan.”
Buck wanted to make a joke, but he respected Tommy's words and just laughed with him. Something in Buck’s eyes caught Tommy’s attention.
“If you want… we can talk about what’s happening with you. As… friends.”
He bit his lips, thinking. He imagined they would meet again in different situations, talking about their past problems and present desires, trying to build the future implied by his words… to make him Tommy’s last. But he’d never thought that a secret would be the topic of their reunion.
Buck nodded and Tommy found a table in a more private space, less busy and noisy.
“Well?”
“I... It's... It’s not easy.”
“Are you sick, Evan?”
His eyes were full of concern, and Buck felt guilty. “No, I’m fine. healthy.”
“Okay, so…? If you don’t want to tell me, it’s okay.”
“It’s not that.” He thought that even after so many months after their coffee date, they had never talked too much about their lives. Everything had been so new for Buck, his focus entirely on how much pleasure he could have with Tommy, in and out of bed. Tommy was charming, intelligent, full of opinions about everything, full of jokes no one could imagine coming from him, full of tragic stories from the job they both knew too well… and still they couldn’t talk, leaving a part of their lives always hidden. Secrets had driven them apart.
“I trust you. I always did. But it’s not a secret that we still don’t really know each other apart from what happened when we were together.”
Tommy’s gaze dropped to the table. “I’m sorry. I’m…”
“Nooo... Stop.” He said playfully. “Not today. Your rule.”
Tommy let out a small breath. “Ok, you’re right. So… just trust me, and I’ll honor that.”
“Ok, there’s something I did a few years ago, and I... I never told you because I thought it wouldn’t come back. I’m sorry…” Tommy’s eyes told him to continue and he nodded. “Well, a friend of mine was trying to get his wife pregnant, and they weren’t having luck. Then, he came to ask me…” His eyes searched for any reaction in Tommy’s face, but he only looked curious. “He asked me to be a sperm donor. And I said yes.”
“Wow.” He seemed surprised, with an open mouth and wide eyes focused on Buck's face. “I wasn’t expecting that. I… honestly thought you had fucked your friend... I don't know, murdered someone?”
“What? I would never do that.”
“I know. I’m not saying you would. It's just... I thought your secret could be anything, but... this. What you did, Evan, was really great. But even good things can come back for us.”
“Yeah… that’s what I was trying to say.”
"It's not your fault if your friend didn’t…”
“No… he did. Well, I did.” He laughed awkwardly. “I still don’t know how to talk about this.”
“Just say it the way it makes sense to you.” He squeezed his hand before letting go. “Tell me everything. I’ll ask if I need explanations.”
“Okay. I’ll go straight to the point… They had the baby. I was there and even helped during the labor. They had a fight and she was staying at my house.”
“Wow… you helped deliver your own kid.”
“He wasn’t supposed to be my kid.”
“Right. But still… that’s big.”
“I used to think that. But now… There are bigger things.”
“Like…?”
Buck closed his eyes. “They came to see me a few days ago and… the kid is amazing. They were having some trouble with his… energy.” Tommy smirked, and for a second, Buck looked at him again, his anxiety making his breath faster. “There was…” He continued, eyes closing again. “There was a car accident. Cameron and Connor died. And Theo…” He smiled softly at the name. “That’s his name… Theo. He doesn’t have anyone else and…” His voice got stuck.
He felt Tommy before he saw him. “Hey…”
His arms were warm, steady, grounding. Buck fit so well in his arms, so close he could hear his heart beating, creating a rhythm for his own. Buck felt he could hold onto him as everything crashed down at once.
“Hey, Evan… look at me.” He did. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Tommy said softly. “You were a good friend to them and I know they were good parents to Theo. And… whatever you decide now, people will understand. Having a kid in your life is… hard. Especially alone.”
“I can’t…”
“No one will judge you if you...”
“I can’t let him go. I can't leave him with a stranger.”
Oh…” His hand stopped stroking his arms and for a second, Buck was afraid Tommy disagreed with him, but then they moved toward Buck’s face, hesitating before touching him. “That sounds like you.
“What?”
“You don’t leave people behind. Not at work, not in your life.”
Buck let out a small breath. “Hearing you say that is… confusing.” He had always believed he was responsible for the end of his relationship, for saying the wrong thing. Twice.
Tommy gave him a look. “There's no confusion about it. You're always there for people you love.” Buck wanted to say so many things, let him know he was one of them. Tommy was faster than him. “So… you’ll keep Theo.” The way he said his name was so gentle, Buck almost melted.
“I think… I will. I’ll stay with him. But I’m afraid.”
“I’m not a father, but if you ask Howie or Eddie, they’ll tell you every parent lives with fear all the time.”
“I haven’t told them yet.”
Tommy nodded, but didn’t push. “Where is Theo now?”
“At the hospital. He’s fine… just in shock.”
“I’m glad he’s okay.” He took a pause, his hands still caressing him. “Tell me something.” Tommy leaned back slightly. “Have you always wanted to be a father?”
“You’ve seen me with Jee?”
“She's your niece. You’ve seen me with her, too. But that wasn't what I asked.”
Buck looked at him. “Do you want that?”
Tommy held his gaze. “Maybe. But still, not my answer.”
They smiled.
"I keep saying Bobby smiling to me... Telling me I can do it, I can be as good as him..." He looked back at Tommy, knowing very well he was still looking for an answer. "Yes, I've always wanted to be a father... To have a family of my own. Maybe..."
"I'm pretty sure Bobby would say you'll be good for one another."
Buck told him about the day he had with Theo, how great he was. The kid didn't stop, always running, playing and talking.
"He certainly has your genes."
They stayed there for a while, drinking and talking, then took a cab. Tommy asked to drop Buck off first, so he could know where to send Theo a gift.
There was no kiss.
But still…
That night, Buck fell asleep thinking that maybe he didn’t have to be afraid anymore.
Not today.