Work Text:
Caroline gave a little jump as she shot the basketball high into the sky. When it rimmed out of the hoop, she huffed and took a step back. “Do you miss having a boyfriend?”
Andrea picked up the rebound and tossed the ball back to the redhead. “Not really. Your mom can be just as stubborn as the best of ‘em.”
Miranda, who sat on the sideline of the Central Park basketball court, was content to watch from the bench. “Thank you, Andrea. I strive to be the best in all of my enterprises.”
Andrea blew a kiss at her and prepared to block Caroline’s next move. “Why do you ask, Caro?”
Caroline tried to fake Andrea out, but the taller woman was able to smack the ball away as she failed to move past her. “It’s just that you only ever dated boys. Mom’s a weird change for you.”
“That’s not exactly true, but I get what you mean, I suppose.” Hustling for the ball, Andrea asked, “Do you want me to get a boyfriend?”
Miranda looked up at her. “Oh please. What could you possibly need from a man that I can’t already give you.”
Andrea raised an eyebrow at her.
Miranda stared her down.
Cassidy yelled, “Food’s here!” Shutting the gate behind her, she raised a bag above her head. “Guy charged an arm and a leg for it all.”
Humming, Andrea glanced at the children present and decided, “An Australian accent.”
Cassidy stopped. “What are we talking about?”
Caroline bounded up to her. “Andy doesn’t have a boyfriend, so we’re workshopping one for her. Apparently he has to be Australian," she summarized as she tore into the bag and pulled out a hotdog with extra relish, onions, and pickles.
“Oh.” Cassidy looked over at her mom. “What about you, Mom?”
Smirking, Miranda scooted over and let Andrea sit next to her. “Well, if we’re going international, I haven’t gone to tea with an Englishman in a long time.” Smirking at the supermodel she’d bagged, she asked, “Fair’s fair, isn’t it?”
Andrea scoffed. “As long as he walks Patricia for us, you can keep him around.”
Cassidy finished doling out the hotdogs from the vendor. Andrea had to lick the extra ketchup off her hand as it spilled over. Miranda declined to have one.
“What does he do for work?”
Andrea cocked her head at the girl. “Me or your mom?”
Caroline decided, “You first.”
Shrugging, Andrea asked, “Can he have his own life outside of being my boyfriend?”
Caroline waved her hand in a royal fashion and decreed, “Andy, he doesn’t even exist outside of your life.”
Biting into her hotdog with ketchup, Andrea asked, “What about, like… A house-flipper or something?”
Cassidy grimaced as Miranda scoffed. “Wouldn’t an architect be more romantic?”
Andrea gave her a knowing look. “In Manhattan?" She swallowed and smeared her lips on the back of her hand. "No, I need someone who can actually split the rent.”
Miranda asked, “Can my boyfriend be a rockstar?”
The girls groaned at her again. With their mouths half-full of food, they assured her “For the last time, mom: You can't have David Bowie.”
“Fine. What about if he just plays a musical instrument?” In her usual flash of brilliance, she added, "In his own band."
Narrowing her eyes, Caroline stopped chewing and asked, "Is this a successful band?"
Miranda shrugged. "I have no idea, Bobbsey."
Inhaling her hotdog, Cassidy decided, “Tha’s acce-dable.” Half-choking it down, she coughed violently before clearing her throat. “Andy, what’s your boyfriend like?”
“...Huh?”
“His personality. Is he like a comedian kinda guy, or a serious type-A kinda guy?”
“Like Mister Spock?” Andrea grimaced, swallowing hard as she imagined herself in the arms of a cold, logical man with some kind of autism.
“No!” Caroline laughed. “What does he act like? Come on. Is he happy-go-lucky? Broody and vengeful? Chip on his shoulder?”
Cassidy murmured, “It’s big as a booouuulder.”
Huffing, Andrea shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. Does he need one?”
“A personality?” The twins looked at each other, then back at her. “Yes!”
“Most men I’ve met didn’t have much of one,” Miranda announced. “And of the two of us, I’m the one who gave a far greater effort.”
Andrea held her hands up in mock surrender. “I won’t argue with you there.”
“Okay, what about hobbies?” Cassidy wondered. Looking to Andrea, she asked, “What does your boyfriend do for fun when you’re not around?”
“...I don’t know!” Andrea scoffed. “You said he stops existing when I don’t see him. I can’t imagine he has one if he blips out of reality.”
“Does he like sports?”
“I don’t know.”
“He’s Australian. Does he like Cricket?”
“I don’t know!”
“Does he like stock markets?”
“I don’t- That’s not even a hobby, that’s just gambling with a suit!”
“Does he like sports betting?”
“That’s just addiction in a jersey.”
Miranda grimaced. “You two are spending too much time on the internet.”
The twins looked over at their mom, who had accidentally drawn their fire. “What does your boyfriend do?”
Miranda tossed her hands up. “Play his violin all day long?"
Andrea reminded her, "He has to walk the dog, or you can't keep him."
Miranda wondered, "Girls. What is the point of this mental exhaustion?”
The twins looked at each other again, then back to her. Cassidy decided, “If you were going to go to the trouble of having another man in your life…”
“...We would just want you two to be happy with them," Caroline finished. “They’d have to have fun, distinct personalities and be memorable people. The kind of people you’d remember long after meeting them for the first time.”
Andrea wrapped her arm around Miranda. Pecking her on the cheek, she decided, “I think… if I couldn’t be with your mom, I would want to be with the most boring, bland, forgettable Australian man there was or ever would be.”
The twins sighed at her.
Miranda raised an eyebrow at her. “And why would you want that?”
Andrea smirked. “It would be easier for me to remember you.”
Miranda accepted the kiss. “...My boyfriend will have to be more forgettable than yours.”
Andrea laughed. “Of course. Leave it to Miranda Priestly to have the best boring boyfriend there ever was.”
"You two are impossible," Cassidy huffed.
“...Can he be younger than me?” Miranda bargained. Looking over at Andrea, she decided, “I’m apparently quite the catch.”
Andrea asked, “Can mine look like he tried to be in every cologne ad, but he never got the part?”
Caroline complained, “You’re an award-winning journalist. How can you be this uninspiring about a dream man?”
Cassidy looked over at Andrea. “I will give you a hundred million dollars right now if you can create a real, human, three-dimensional person out of this Australian guy who builds new houses out of old houses.”
Andrea stared at her for a few seconds before looking down at her stomach. “Can you give me nine months?”
Cassidy threw her cardboard container into the trash and jumped up. “I can’t with you anymore. Caro, let’s practice.”
Shoveling the rest of her lunch in, Caroline choked out an acknowledgement before chasing after her sister.
Andrea looked over at Miranda. “What goes on inside your kids’ heads?”
Miranda stared at her. “...So when they’re doing great, they’re our little angels. But when they’re doing this, they’re back to being my kids?”
Andrea practically leapt off the bench. “Wait up, girls! I’ll play defense!” Leaning down, she kissed Miranda again before apologising, “Duty calls.”