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Yukine slowly opened his eyes. Light from the small lamp bathed the room he shared with Yato in a warm glow. He blinked, his eyesight adjusting slowly as he relaxed his fingers. He hadn’t realized he was gripping his futon with an iron grip until now, but it wasn’t the first time he had awoken with his muscles so tense.
At least he didn’t have a nightmare.
Yukine found himself quickly shifting, turning over. A stab of worry suddenly struck his chest when he saw Yato was not in his futon. The feeling subsided quickly though when Yukine’s darting eyes found Yato sitting in the window, looking out into the cool night. He felt himself relax.
“Yato?” Yukine barely voiced above a whisper.
Yato turned quickly, his eyes immediately locked on to his shinki’s. Yukine didn’t miss how Yato leaned slightly forward towards him.
“Hey, kid,” he said. “You okay?”
“Yeah.”
Yukine sat up, rubbing his eyes before looking again at Yato.
“What are you doing?” Yukine asked. “It’s late.”
Yato couldn’t help but smile at the slightly chastising tone of Yukine’s voice.
“It’s not that late, you know. You’ve only been asleep for about 5 minutes,” Yato said.
“Wait, SERIOUSLY?” Yukine asked incredulously. He looked down, rubbing his eyes again.
Great, so THAT’S why he didn’t have a nightmare. He was barely asleep.
“You know, you don’t have to wait up for me to fall asleep,” Yukine said, annoyed. “I’m not a little kid. And you’re not getting enough rest.”
“I think I’ll be the judge of that, thank you,” Yato said in an annoyingly sing-song voice, raising his chin up as he walked toward Yukine with exaggerated steps.
Yukine’s lips pressed together in a frown as Yato closed the distance between them. Yato sat criss cross on Yukine’s futon next to him.
“Come on, Yato,” Yukine said, “The last babysitting job we had, you fell asleep and I had to babysit both the baby AND you.”
“Give me a break. I fell asleep for 2 minutes.”
“16 minutes,” Yukine corrected. “You shouldn’t have fallen asleep at all, but you were so tired you couldn’t keep your eyes open.”
“Yukine, it’s fine. You handled it. I knew you would.” Yato yawned. “This is just part of my job.”
“So your job is to exhaust yourself like an idiot for no good reason?”
“There is a good reason.”
Yukine paused at the way Yato said that. It was softer, more serious. In the few seconds of silence, Yukine studied Yato’s face. His expression was unreadable.
“What?” Yukine asked.
Yato didn’t answer. His eyes were locked onto the floor, yet it seemed like he was looking at something a thousand kilometers away. Yukine moved carefully to sit in front of Yato, their knees almost touching.
“Yato,” Yukine spoke again, softly. “What is it?”
After a few more seconds, Yato closed his eyes.
“Yukine,” he breathed. “I—“
He paused, trying to find the right words. Yukine waited. Yato slowly opened his eyes to see Yukine’s small legs in front of him before looking up into Yukine’s beautiful, but obviously concerned eyes.
Despite his best efforts, Yato felt his voice break.
“I—I can’t feel you anymore.”
The silence was deafening. It really was ridiculous, wasn’t it? After enduring the kid stinging him over and over again, after dealing with the ache of Yukine’s volatile teenage emotions, and after being tempted to return to Hiiro because she never stung him, Yato would give ANYTHING to feel Yukine again. Pain and all.
It would be better than this awful emptiness inside his chest. It felt like their connection was gone, and that. . . that was a whole different kind of pain.
“I stay up because I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Yato said. He broke eye contact with Yukine, turning his head, looking down and to the side.
“I know. I know how bad the nightmares are.” Yato almost physically shuddered as images of Yukine’s final moments alive flashed in his mind.
“I wasn’t there when you needed me. You’re my guide, my blessed vessel, my kid and I thought I was protecting you by leaving, but I never—I never should have left. I hate myself for that and I hate that you have to deal with all this now.”
Yato looked into Yukine’s eyes again as he firmly said, “The last thing you need to worry about is my sleep. This is the least I can do.”
The two stared at each other for a few seconds in silence before Yukine let out a heavy sigh.
“You really are an idiot, aren’t you?” Yukine said, feeling a mix of emotions he couldn’t quite name swell within him.
Yato opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by words flooding out of Yukine.
“Yato, you are the only reason I’m still here! You hate yourself?! Well I hate watching you punish yourself! And I hate what I did to you!”
Yukine felt tears prick his eyes.
“I hate that I let your dad manipulate me. I hate that I attacked you. I hate that I let him give me this stupid name!”
Yukine reached over to the name Hagusa etched on his arm and scratched it HARD. It almost felt like he had drawn blood, but Yukine didn’t care. Though his sight was becoming blurry with tears, he tried to focus on scratching off the name that he so badly wished he could erase, the name that represented the horrible things he wished he could take back. Yukine yelled in frustration. “I hate myself for—“
Suddenly, a strong, scarred, and sweaty hand grasped his wrist and firmly pulled Yukine forward. Yukine fell into Yato and Yato wrapped his arms around his kid, adjusting Yukine’s position to hold him more comfortably. Yukine was in shock at first, but his small hand soon gripped Yato’s shirt as his head rested against Yato’s chest. Yato ran one hand through Yukine’s hair and lowered his head so Yukine would clearly hear him.
“Don’t,” Yato said softly. “Don’t ever hate or hurt yourself. You are too important to me. You are the one who made me a god of happiness after all.”
Yukine’s breath hitched as he failed to hold back tears. He didn’t even fight Yato’s embrace like he usually would. After a few seconds, Yato felt the pull of his shirt’s fabric as Yukine’s grip tightened.
“YOU don’t.” Yukine half-whispered back. “I won’t let you hate yourself.”
Yato smiled, resting his chin on top of Yukine’s head. He couldn’t even imagine life without Yukine now. He wasn’t sure when he first became aware of it, but Yato was completely sure that he fiercely loved this kid. Yato lifted his chin to place a kiss on the top of Yukine’s head, but just before he could, Yukine quietly said, “Stop, that’s disgusting.”
Yato couldn’t help but let out a laugh that he had been caught. It was a comfort to know that after all they’d been through, the bond they now share is stronger than any previous connection.
Yato kissed the top of Yukine’s head anyway.
Yukine groaned in exaggerated agony, but didn’t pull away. Yato laughed as he ran his hand through Yukine’s hair again.
And although he couldn’t see his kid’s face, Yato could swear he felt Yukine smile.