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Late at night, the silence gets deafening sometimes.
Too many to-dos, too many unrealised expectations he had set for himself, too many people to care for, too little time, too little life left.
After Kyumin dropped him off back at his house after a whole day of album recording, it was already 12AM. But as he stood in front of the apartment's front door, Jongwoon hesitated. On some days, when left to his own devices, his mind would get cloudy really quickly. Even if he was safe and homed, with his parents and Kkomelo around, he still couldn't stop the sense of helplessness and stress from pervading his mind. His body was breaking, his parents were getting old, there was so much to lose, he didn't want to let his fans down, there were so many people depending on him — and all of these were out of his control.
This reclusive tendency would come crawling to him especially when he was making music. To Jongwoon, creating art had always been about being vulnerable. To lay yourself bare, to put yourself out in the open for people to consume and perceive your inner world. When his music embodies such a large part of his identity, as a vessel of his innermost fears and secrets, it is hard for his heart to not feel heavy whenever he's composing and writing.
He wasn't sure why his headspace was particularly dark that day. But he didn't like it. He didn't want to lay in bed for the next few hours, wide awake despite knowing that he should sleep, trapped in his own thoughts.
With that, he pivoted on one foot and left.
-
It felt weird to be back. Just hours ago, he was in the same building, walking up and down the same hallways, fluttering between meetings and recordings. Now, the silence in his ears felt even louder. The only light he came across as he walked through the company building was the lit up display of the company's recent album releases from other junior groups. Jongwoon casted his eyes downwards to avoid glancing in that direction. He didn't want it to remind him of how it was getting harder and harder for his exhausted body to keep up with this idol life.
It was only when Jongwoon closed the door to the familiar recording studio, connected his phone to the speaker, queued the playlist of songs that he had curated specially for times like this, then did he find himself gradually relaxing. He didn't even realise that his body had been so taut with anxiety, until the tension started bleeding out together with a deep sigh from his heavy chest.
The soft tunes of music filled the room with warmth. Jongwoon thought it was funny how music could bring him both so much comfort and stress at the same time. For one, his own music had to be perfect, it had to be perfect to compensate for himself who was lacking. He sank deeper into the sofa that he was lying on, letting the softness swallow him whole.
Jongwoon didn't know how much time had passed while he was in the studio, basking in the music, moving around to fiddle with the equipment, writing down new lyrics that came to his mind, humming along to his old songs. But out of nowhere, the door clicked open. Jongwoon jumped.
Kyuhyun peeked in, and at the sight of Jongwoon, he seemed to let out a sigh of relief. Jongwoon watched as the younger entered the room fully, then closed the door behind him. To suddenly have another person inside this safe space where he was hiding, felt a little jarring for Jongwoon. Now, both men were staring at each other, unmoving.
"W-What are you doing here?"
"I should be asking you that, Jongwoon hyung. Do you know what time it is?"
"Why does it matter to you? I'm just doing my own things. Shouldn't you be home? You don't have schedules tomorrow... later?"
Jongwoon wasn't sure what he said wrong, but he could visibly see Kyuhyun getting riled up. The maknae ambled towards Jongwoon, who was still sitting on the chair in front of the desk with recording equipment. He was jotting down a new song inspiration when he was interrupted. When Kyuhyun was close enough, he leaned down and caged Jongwoon in with both hands on the hand-rests of the chair.
"Why does it matter to me? It's 4AM, hyung. You didn't go home, you are not replying to my messages, you didn't pick up your mom and your manager's calls. I've been running around looking for you at this godforsaken hour, and you are asking why it matters to me?"
Suddenly nervous, Jongwoon swallowed hard. The familiar wretched feeling of making mistakes, being lacking, and falling behind was rising in his throat again, despite the past few hours of him trying hard to detach himself from this claustrophobic feeling.
"I... I'm... I was just— How did you know all of that anyway? Why are you here?"
"Your mom called me. She realised you weren't home and called Kyumin, but Kyumin said he dropped you off already. Kyumin called me too. I told both of them to go to sleep and I'll look for you."
"Why... Why would they call you?"
Kyuhyun leaned down towards Jongwoon even more, his face mere inches away. Jongwoon didn't dare to breathe.
"Because I told them to. I told them to inform me whenever they think something happened to you, whenever they think you're not okay."
Jongwoon really couldn't breathe now. He could only murmur a quiet "Why......", afraid to complete his sentence that would open a pandora box of unresolved feelings between him and Kyuhyun.
But Kyuhyun seemed to be more resolute than ever too, undeterred by Jongwoon’s reticence. "Why what, hyung? Why did I tell them to do that? Why did I go around looking for you at 4AM in the morning when I have early schedules in a few hours' time? Or why do I still care about you so much even though you've rejected me so many times?"
Jongwoon couldn't take it anymore. He buried his face into his palms. He wasn't crying, even if his eyes and throat were indeed burning. He just didn't have the courage to face Kyuhyun and look Kyuhyun in the eyes.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry......"
Kyuhyun hated seeing Jongwoon like this. He loved seeing Jongwoon smile with no care in the world and shine on stage and be in his element. Not this Jongwoon that seemed so small and unsure. He hated Jongwoon for putting him through all these uncertainty and push and pull, but he also knew that it was simply easier to not give up on Jongwoon despite all the heartbreaks, than to forgo all his feelings towards his hyung accumulated from the past 20 years. He knew they could have something so beautiful together, if only Jongwoon would let him in.
Jongwoon felt Kyuhyun sigh from above. The younger didn't try to peel his hands away from his face. Instead, Kyuhyun knelt down, so he was looking up at Jongwoon. He held onto Jongwoon's slim wrists, and rubbed soothing circles into the skin.
"What are you sorry for, hyung? Why are you hiding here at this time? What is troubling you?"
The tears finally spilled out from Jongwoon's eyes. Kyuhyun's voice and touch were so soft, so tender, that Jongwoon just felt even worse about himself. It would be easier on his guilt-stricken heart if Kyuhyun was mean to him, if Kyuhyun hated him, if Kyuhyun turned his back on him. He could only get his words out after struggling a few times to reign in his choked up voice.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry for not reciprocating. I'm sorry that you're always giving me so much and I'm not giving back anything to you. I feel bad, I'm sorry, but Kyuhyun, I... I don't know. Can you find a way to stop loving me? This is not good for you, Kyuhyun. You don't deserve this."
Despite everything, the maknae let out a laugh. God knows how many times he had tried to stop this love too. And only his hyung would talk about this kind of things in such an amusing way. Who even says 'can you find a way to stop loving me'? And who even says that while crying through a wall of tears? To Kyuhyun, it spoke volumes that he would still find Jongwoon endearing even in times like this.
"You know, hyung. You've rejected me so many times. But you never gave me a reason. Why? How can you reject me, but then cling onto me the subsequent week, and hug me and text me cute messages and cute selfies all the time? Don’t you think I deserve an explanation or a closure if you really want me to move on from you?”
"I'm sorry......"
"Stop saying 'sorry', hyung. Just tell me why." At that, Kyuhyun reached up for a forehead kiss. He felt his hyung shudder under his lips, and gradually the older's sniffles subsided. Jongwoon shyly resurfaced from his hands, and Kyuhyun quickly grabbed the chance to hold onto Jongwoon's face to swipe his tears away.
After a few more hiccups, Jongwoon finally spoke up.
"I'm sorry, Kyu. I just... I think I just don't know how to do love anymore. I'm so scared even though I know it's stupid. Each time you confess, I get so scared. I don't know how to commit to the type of love that goes beyond friends. The faith, the closeness, the feeling of free-fall — you know that I'm scared of heights, right? Even when people tell me that they love me, no matter the kind of love, I'm always so doubtful of it. I don't know if I'm doomed to be like this forever. And that would just be so unfair to you — if your love for me is so real and so steadfast, and I am still doubtful."
"But I can't help this paranoia, you see? I don't know how to overcome it either. Whenever other people confess to me, it isn't even that hard for me to be honest with them and turn them down. But with you, you...... you're Cho Kyuhyun. And I love Cho Kyuhyun. Precisely because it's you, and I care about you so much, I can't bring myself to completely pull away from you. It felt like us remaining as friends was the only form of intimacy that I can offer that is remotely fair to you. I don't want you to feel like you're not deserving of more love, when I'm the one that is incapable of delivering that love. Even if I love you, I can't promise you that I'll be a good lover. And I don't want to have to wake up to a day where you will lose your love for me too because you had enough of this. That's why I thought......"
Jongwoon trailed off, too tired to rehash the entire part about his avoidance and rejection and denial of his own feelings and hurting Kyuhyun. He waited with bated breath for the other man's reaction. Mentally, he readied himself for Kyuhyun to get up, slam the door and leave, or for Kyuhyun to look at him with disappointment. But—
"Who else was confessing to you?"
"......"
"Who?"
"......"
"I want to know, Jongwoon. Who had been confessing to you?"
"I'm not telling you... Is that really the only thing you got out of everything I just said? And why are you acting like no one else liked you and asked you out too!"
"Because I don't care about whoever asked me out. They have no chance with me. You, on the other hand — I don't know where I stand in your heart, Kim Jongwoon. So of course, I need to know who my competition is."
"You... You are so important to me, Kyu."
"That's not enough. I'm selfish, hyung. I want to be the most important to you."
Jongwoon didn't really know what to say in response. Ultimately, the crux of the problem was still there, wasn't it? Jongwoon knew too that Kyuhyun wanted to love him, and be loved by him, but that didn't change the fact that Jongwoon felt like he was inept to do either of that. In the long run, they were both bound to separate painfully, and he would be the cause of it.
Seeing Jongwoon had nothing else to say, Kyuhyun sat himself on the ground, right beside Jongwoon who was still in the office chair, and laid his head on Jongwoon's knees. His hyung immediately tried to pull him up, but he caught the tiny hands and held them firmly in his instead, leaning his cheek against their joint hands. He wanted to say his piece now.
"You hurt me a lot, Jongwoon hyung. Do you know that it takes a lot of courage for me to try and try and try again even after all the times you refused me? Even though so many things happened between us, but I'm still just your maknae, remember? I'm the maknae that you had to offer to share a room with 20 years ago because no one else could be bothered about me back then. I'm still the maknae that looked up to you even before I joined this idol world. I still get lost and scared too. I always wanted hyung to be the one to guide me and be by my side when I'm lost and scared. Back then, right now, and all the years in between. And yet, you, whom I was seeking out so desperately for, would tell me that you didn't like me back."
"But I could tell that we definitely have a chance. I just had to be patient and persistent. All the times you rejected me, you never gave me a proper reason. You couldn't even look me in the eye. And I know you too well, hyung. When you truly believe in something and want to bring your point across, you would look me in the eye, stand your ground, and even argue with me for three days straight just to prove me wrong. But you never did that whenever you were rejecting me. You thought that each rejection was pushing me away. But each time you reject me, and I see that hesitation and restraint in your body language, it just nurtures the seed of hope in my heart even more. And you know what, hyung? I feel like this seedling is so close to blooming. It just needs a little bit more of your warmth."
"And one last thing, I can't believe you even had the slightest intention of pulling away from me. Even if everything between us goes south, you cannot pull away from me, you understand me? Hyung? I don't want us to ever be strangers."
The silence that followed was different from the kind that Jongwoon had been actively running away from for the past few hours. All the noisy thoughts reverberating through his mind were now replaced by a quiet hum. What Kyuhyun said sounded too good to be true — he didn't promise him an abstract eternity, neither did he insist on a specific solution to fix him — he simply assured Jongwoon that he was still here, and there was hope between them.
The clarity and renewed hope blossomed sweetly through the remnants of misty clouds of doubt in Jongwoon's mind. He got up from the chair clumsily, pulled Kyuhyun up from the ground, pushed Kyuhyun down into the chair, climbed into Kyuhyun's awaiting lap, and tucked his head into Kyuhyun's neck, all while pretending to not see the quiet glee on the other man's face because of his forward actions.
The moment he was in the younger's lap, Kyuhyun didn't waste another second to wrap his arms around Jongwoon's body too. In this position, Jongwoon could even hear Kyuhyun's heartbeat right against his ear. And it was racing.
"Do you always come here to hide, hyung?”
"Just... sometimes. I didn't want to stay in bed with my own thoughts today. So I came here."
"What were you thinking about?"
"Just... some stuff."
Kyuhyun wasn't going to push it if Jongwoon didn't want to talk. After all, he knew that he did kinda barge into his hyung's sacred private time out of nowhere too. But in that moment, 30 minutes ago, before he opened the door and finally found Jongwoon in the studio, he was genuinely so worried and scared that he couldn't help himself from confronting Jongwoon right away for worrying him sick.
"The next time you feel like this, you can come to me, hyung. I'll hide with you."
Jongwoon sank his weight further into Kyuhyun's warmth. "Okay. We can hide together. While we are at it, you can teach me how to love you and be loved by you too."
Kyuhyun hid the smile on his face with a kiss into Jongwoon's hair. "Okay, I'll teach you."
"I'm sleepy, Kyu."
"Then, sleep. I'll sleep here with you."
"Okay."
Somewhere between them, the tiny invisible seedling finally blooms. Steady heartbeats take over the void of the silence, grounding them both from floating away. Their warmth slowly seeps into each other's skins.
Everything sings.