Chapter Text
November 7, 2018, 00:08
Minghao woke up with his head spinning, the upper part of his inner left thigh itching and burning, and his whole body heating up. Minghao wanted to scream, but he felt as if sharp nails were clawing at his throat. He couldn’t breathe—it ached to breathe.
He dared to stand up, but he fell instantly—he could no longer feel his legs. He tried to move toward the bedside table where he kept his pills, attempting to open the drawer when his phone vibrated and fell.
Mingyu was calling him.
Minghao paid it no mind as he focused on getting the painkiller. The drawer was barely opened when he attempted to grab the container and felt another wave of pain running from his head to his stomach and to his fingertips. The pills spilled onto the floor as he dropped the container when his hands started to shake.
With blurry vision, Minghao tried to get the pill he needed, but it mixed with the others. He managed to get one, but he was uncertain whether it was a painkiller or one of his sleeping pills—because he has many of those. He consumed it nonetheless; it will be better to be put to sleep rather than endure the excruciating pain.
He stayed seated on the floor as he waited for the pill to take effect on him. Minghao heard his phone vibrating again. This time, despite the pain, he reached for it and saw Mingyu calling his phone again. He accepted it.
“Myungho-ya...It’s your birthday today,” Mingyu sounded hesitant as he said those words. Minghao looked at his lockscreen...November 7, 2018.
“You’re 21 now.”
And Minghao knew then. The pain, the burning on his upper left thigh—of course.
Minghao moved to remove his pajamas to check his thigh despite the constraints of the pain he was feeling.
“Ahh…”
“Do you have it?” He heard Mingyu speak from the other line—he almost forgot about him.
Of course.
Of course. That’s why he could barely feel the pain now. It’s similar to Mingyu’s.
That sloppy Chinese characters for the word fated.
Mingyu’s right ankle has that same exact mark. Minghao knows because he was there when Mingyu got it.
“Myungho?”
“Hm?”
“Do you have it?”
“What?”
“Soulmark. You’re supposed to get it now, you’ve turned 21 just now.”
Minghao paused.
“No.”
Mingyu grunted in the background while Minghao decided that the former doesn’t need to know about his soulmark. About his soulmark that is the same with his. About his soulmark that is an indication that Mingyu is his soulmate, and he is Mingyu’s soulmate. The sign that they are tied to each other for life. Mingyu doesn’t need to know about that.
“Are you sure? Have you checked?” Mingyu’s voice sounded uncertain. Minghao could picture him pacing back and forth as he interrogates him.
“There’s none, Gyu. Go back to sleep. Maybe the nurse or whoever wrote my birthday on my birth certificate got it wrong.”
“But—”
Minghao was quick to cut him off, he just wanted to just be left alone and start rethinking his life.
“Gyu, I’m going to go back to sleep,” and he proceeded to turn the call down. Minghao didn’t want the conversation to extend for another minute.
He sighed as he went back to his bed. He realized how he was no longer in pain. And he was well aware that it wasn’t the pills which calmed his nerves and put an end to his misery.
November 7, 2018, 20:48
Minghao just finished eating his dinner. The day was so hectic—from a group schedule to a solo livestream since it's his birthday today although it didn't feel like it.
Minghao throughout those schedules did his best to distance himself from Mingyu. The other was confused, but Minghao decided to let him be. Let it be. After all, he will never be able to see the mark anyway.
Many have asked him about the mark. His manager, the members, the fans commenting on his live, and Mingyu—countless times. Minghao remained consistent and firm with his answer. There's no mark.
Soonyoung—who’s one of the members he’s closest to—nodded his head at his answer, but he knew, of course. He’s observant and just knows Minghao from inside and out.
Minghao was sitting on the floor of the practice room. He was alone since the others had already gone home. He preferred to be left in solitude, humming to random tunes to avoid thinking things through.
He heard a knock on the door and saw Soonyoung through the reflection, walking toward him.
“Eisa, aren't you coming home yet?” His voice is a mix of concern and solemnity. “Not yet, hyung...I just…” Minghao trailed, trying to find an explanation.
“Are you alright? Do you feel any pain?”
Minghao sighed, “Just tired, the plate was full.”
Soonyoung moved to sit beside him, he looked at Minghao through the reflection. “Is it true? You do not have the mark? You don't have to lie to me, you know? I can keep secrets.”
“I know I can trust you hyung, it's just—there’s really nothing. And it's okay.”
“But having no mark means you do not have a soulmate.”
“Which is fine by me. I can do things on my own.”
“I know, Eisa. You’ve always been independent, that's something I find amazing about you. But I also think you deserve someone who’s going to stay by your side forever.”
Minghao went silent. Contemplating whether to tell Soonyoung about the mark he got.
“You know, at first, I was scared when I got my mark. I grew up with those tales of feeling immense pain and longing when you're separated from your soulmate. It was by luck that I didn't have to wait so long to see the same mark on another.”
“You’re lucky to find it on Wonwoo-hyung.”
Soonyoung just hummed, agreeing.
“At some point, before he turned 21, I just felt that he was going to be my soulmate, that was also why I insisted on staying with him the night before. For him to not feel any pain once he gets the mark. That's how it works anyway.”
“Then you should go home now, hyung. Wonwoo-hyung must be waiting for you,” Minghao sat up.
“It’s fine. He will not die if we get separated for an hour, will he?” Soonyoung joked.
Silence once again engulfed the two of them.
“Myungho, if...just in case you really have the mark, I hope you know that it will be dangerous for you to hide it from your mate. You know it's going to hurt a lot, it's going to affect you in every way. It will also affect the other person. Just a little distance means pain—well, it depends, but you’ll feel the need to have them around. And it hurts. A lot—especially if you’ve already seen the same mark imprinted on someone else’s skin.”
I know. Minghao wanted to say, but his throat began to run dry, and suddenly it hurt to breathe again.
Those marks are like magnets. They will pull the two people toward each other—no matter the distance, because enduring the spaces in between can mean your life.
“I have to go now, you should also go,” Soonyoung stood up, watching Minghao space out, he sighed.
“Mingyu is outside...I think he’s been waiting for you.”
Minghao heard the door shut, still refusing to stand up.
December 2018
Minghao was somehow getting by.
There were times that he felt as if he was dying—he might really be dying. Sometimes, he feels the silent security, he doesn’t feel relieved—he feels numb, rather.
He sees Mingyu almost everyday because they recently held a comeback. So the longing does not really take effect on him yet.
It was Sunday, just a few weeks before Christmas. He’s not really Christian but he learned to celebrate it when he came to Korea. He used to celebrate it with Mingyu’s family, because according to them, they were his Korean family. They are. The other members even started calling him Kim Myungho. The Kims never treated him like a different person.
Mingyu’s mom visits him at least once every three months, sometimes without Mingyu’s knowledge. When Minghao gets bored, it’s very easy for him to call Mr. Kim (whom he started to refer to as appa at some point) so they can eat together or go fishing. Mingyu’s sister would also sometimes call him randomly, send him messages—seeking fashion advice or asking him to hit Mingyu on her behalf.
Minghao felt weird upon remembering those times. He might really need to learn to distance himself from them too.
“Myungho,” Minghao looked up to see the owner of the voice—it was Mingyu. He took the seat beside Minghao.
He felt his nerves calming down.
“Why are you here?” Minghao wanted to sound cold but it didn’t come out like that. His voice sounded rather soft.
Mingyu didn’t answer for a full minute, he opened his mouth to answer, but closed it instantly too.
“I’m coming home to Anyang on the 22nd,” he muttered. Minghao only hummed as a response. “Do you want to come with me again?”
Yes. “No.”
Minghao felt his stomach churn.
“Why?”
But it was as if Mingyu’s presence was enough to ground him, that the feeling instantly faded.
“You can bring Younghee. It’s about time that she finally meets your family, right?” Mingyu went quiet when Minghao brought it up.
That’s one of the many reasons why Minghao would rather die of pain than tell Mingyu about his soulmark. Someone already owns Mingyu’s heart. Yes, it’s true that being soulmates does not have anything to do with romance—they can stay platonic anyway. But in the family of Xu, they believe otherwise.
Being soulmates means being destined. They’re supposed to stay together for the rest of their lives—just like married people. For the past generations of the Xu family, they upheld that belief and made it a tradition. And it seems like it will end with Minghao.
Truth be told, he can see his future with Mingyu. Like what Mingyu once shared in one of their deep talk sessions, he wanted to build a house next to Minghao’s by the beach and grow old together. Minghao once imagined his life after retirement, and even before that soulmark thing, he had always seen Mingyu there. It was fated. As if the universe has always been keen to send him signs that Mingyu is his soulmate and he’s set to be with him forever. However, love is always set to conquer all the barriers—that includes fate.
Whether he’s fated to be with Mingyu, as long as he loves Younghee, then who’s Minghao to go against them?
It doesn’t matter, really.
After all, Mingyu dreamt of building a house next to his, not living in the same house as him.
“Mom and dad are asking about you, Minseo too.”
“I will call them one of these days. I’ve already planned what I will do during the short break anyway. Sorry.”
“Okay.”
Silence.
“Are we okay Myungho?”
“Yes.” No.
“I get this feeling that…”
“What?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
“Mingyu…” Minghao trailed. Mingyu looked at him, Minghao refused to look back. “Are you waiting for Younghee to get her soulmark? What if it doesn’t match with yours?”
Minghao doesn’t know how he was able to say it in one go.
He waited for a moment or two before Mingyu finally replied.
“Of course, Minghao. Younghee is also excited for hers.”
“Do you wish it’s the same as yours?” Minghao knew it was a stupid question. He’s just digging his own grave. But somehow, the silence that followed sparked a small hope for him, that maybe Mingyu’s soul can feel his, that Mingyu will say no.
“Of course, it will make everything easier for us,” said Mingyu.
That night, Minghao spent the whole night drowning. The thoughts and the regret of asking Mingyu, the pain that pierced through his soul. His whole body was trembling from the pain, every move felt as if he was being pricked by tens of thousands of fine needles. He took multiple pills of painkillers that already mixed with his sleeping pills, but even with his consciousness slipping away, he can still feel his whole body aching.
Minghao wished he was literally drowning.
January 1, 2019
“I wish my soulmark matched yours,” Minghao blurted out of the blue. He felt the person beside him sigh and a hand wrapping around his shoulders, “That will make everything easy for the both of us.”
“I hope it did. I wish it happened that way and you’re not hurting right now,” Minghao felt Junhui’s warmth surrounding him.
The pain tripled to the point that he became a sobbing mess, trembling because the painkillers are not doing its job anymore.
Jun found out about his soulmark earlier that day—a mistake—but he assured Minghao that he’ll keep it a secret. So, even though it hurts to see Minghao struggling, he can’t even bring himself to pick up his phone to call Mingyu and be there for the younger.
“God, I wish I didn't even get one,” Minghao managed to say, although very soft, Junhui almost didn't catch it.
The older can feel how heavy Minghao was feeling. He was barely breathing, barely keeping his eyes open. Junhui was scared to tell him to sleep because he’s not even sure if Minghao will wake up after, given his current state. Still, he didn't call Mingyu because Minghao told him not to—even if every part of his body and soul yearned for him, even if it aches.
The fireworks outside were over so it was just silence that remained. They had celebrated the new year together because Minghao refused the Kims’ invitation—making Chinese New Year as an excuse.
“Ge, do you think he’s hurting too?” Minghao asked with his ragged breath.
“I don’t know, Hao. Has he seen the mark?” Minghao shook his head.
“He might be feeling a lot less. After all, it will only hurt once you’ve seen the same soulmark imprinted on someone else, if not, then he will only feel the longing.”
Minghao let out a breathless sarcastic laugh, “Lucky him, then. He will never learn about the pain.”
Minghao felt Jun’s grip became tighter.
“Hao…” Junhui hesitated, but Minghao looked at him—eyes hopeless and tired and just exhausted.
“T-There’s one way, you know?”
“Hmm?”
“You can have it removed. You can have the soulmark removed by professionals. I know some people who do such procedures, but it’s just...it comes with heavy consequences. As such, forgetting about your soulmate’s existence...and it's not really a hundred percent safe nor successful. It can mean death, Hao,” Junhui felt stupid for saying those. He just wanted to help Minghao, after all, he’s grown so fond of him over the past years. Being the only other Chinese in the group, they are more connected than any of the other members. Junhui loved Minghao like his own little brother.
Minghao just smiled before his consciousness slipped away.
February 2019
Minghao woke up to the steady sound of the vital signs monitor. The sterile smell overwhelmed his nostrils as his vision adjusted. The room—very minimalistic, with just white walls, black couch, and a small flower vase to give accent. It felt so foreign yet familiar, because he’s been in and out of different hospitals for the past two months.
He looked at his left arm and noticed the IV attached to him.
Ah. He must've fainted after that long session of practice. He didn't even have time to eat, and rest was just for a few minutes. It was also a unit practice so that meant no Mingyu in the room—his body ached a lot. He lost his breath a lot.
The clicking sound of the door being opened caught his attention. He saw Jeonghan and Jihoon entering. Both of their stares softened when they saw that Minghao had finally woken up.
“Eisa,” Jeonghan’s voice was laced with worry.
Minghao was feeling numb, they must’ve injected him with strong painkillers.
“How long have I been unconscious?” Minghao asked slowly—the air can’t seem to pass through his lungs.
“Two days,” Jihoon answered.
“Are you feeling better?”
Minghao feels empty.
He didn't answer.
Jeonghan moved to sit by his side, taking his right hand and caressing it. “Eisa-ya, we’re so worried about you. You’ve gotten so...weak. You’ve been passing out all the time, yet you're not telling us what’s really happening.”
“The doctors must’ve told you something already, and that must be it. I don't know either,” Minghao said slowly yet firm.
“The doctors only said that it's ulcer. You’ve been skipping meals, and I can feel that you’ve been really stressed, then you have to practice for an extended time because of the unit.”
“Well, it’s not that serious then.”
“Myungho,” it was Jihoon’s turn to speak. “It’s serious if Seungcheol already marched in the higher ups’ office to give you a break. The managers are also thinking of putting you on hiatus.”
That’s the least that Minghao wanted to happen—ruin their group because of some stupid soulmark.
“Anyway,” Jeonghan started. “Mingyu will be the one to look after you tonight. Jihoon and I have to go back for some recording.”
Minghao perked up with the mention of Mingyu’s name. Suddenly, he doesn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. “I should get out of here now,” he managed to say.
Minghao saw the look on Jeonghan’s face, it was subtle but he caught the sudden shift from worry to confusion to suspicion.
Jeonghan sighed, “Okay, I’ll tell your manager to fix your discharge papers.”
“I’ll also call Mingyu and tell him to go to your unit instead, since you’re getting out of here,” Minghao let out an exasperated sigh upon hearing Jeonghan.
“Just call Jun-ge,” Minghao almost pleaded.
“Why? Do you have a problem with Mingyu?” Of course, he will never win against Jeonghan. “Fine.”
“That’s what I thought.”
Surprisingly, when Minghao got home, Mingyu was not there. He let out a relieved sigh and went to his room to rest. However, almost half an hour had passed but he still can’t feel an ounce of sleepiness.
Minghao moved to open his bedside table to get his sleeping pills when he heard his door open. He heard footsteps until it stopped in front of his room, it opened and it revealed Mingyu.
Tired, numb, exhausted Mingyu.
He looked as if he hadn't slept in a week.
Mingyu darted his eyes at Minghao’s hands which were holding bottles of sleeping pills. He moved closer to him and snatched them out of his grip.
“Did you take any?” Minghao only shook his head as his eyes watched the seriousness of Mingyu’s face.
Now that Mingyu is closer to him, he notices the dark bags under his eyes, the redness of his eyes. He looked pale and almost soulless, he looked as if he aged so much. It has only been three or four days since Minghao last saw him.
“Gyu, are you okay?” He can’t help but ask. Mingyu opened the nightstand and his expression shifted when he saw more bottles of sleeping pills—some of them are already empty, some are still untouched—and along those were dozens of other medicines.
“Hao, how long have you been taking these?”
“I asked you first.”
“I’m fine, alright? Now, for how long?”
“Since last year? I don’t know. I think I started taking those after I moved out of the dorm.”
Mingyu only sighed before taking all the bottles of sleeping pills and threw them on the trashcan inside Minghao’s bathroom.
Minghao ran to him, irritated.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” He shouted.
“Those are dangerous! No wonder you’re always dizzy and falling unconscious. Does the management even know you’ve been taking these?” Worry laced his voice, yet Minghao noticed how he’s also starting to get pissed off.
Minghao only stared at him with sharp eyes.
“You’re not getting these by giving me that attitude.”
“Leave.”
“I’m not leaving, you’re sick and I need to look after you.”
“Then call someone else! I don’t want you here!” Minghao felt a sudden tug on his chest. It’s starting again.
His chest started to tighten as he gasped for air that never came. It was like he was trying to breathe underwater—drowning, down to the depths.
His knees started to weaken. Minghao clutched his chest as he sank. It aches.
He collapsed on to the floor, feeling his muscles strain—eyes blurring and all he could hear was a static noise.
Minghao could trace Mingyu’s figure standing still, watching his breakdown unfold.
“Baobei,” Minghao woke up to the soft voice of Jun. As his vision adjusted, he realized he was back to the hospital.
It hasn't been a full day since he got out of here, yet he's here again.
“Hao, I was told by the other members to let you rest for longer, but I decided you need to know about it right now,” Junhui held his left hand. Minghao was just staring blankly at the empty white walls.
He can't even seem to care about what Junhui was going to say.
Jun took a deep breath, “The agency just announced that you will be taking an indefinite hiatus and will be missing all the upcoming schedules.”
“They still can’t seem to figure out what's happening to you, since you’ve never admitted to having a soulmark. So, they decided that until you're doing well again, you will have to live with one of us—the members, so someone will look after you,” he continued.
“I-I...I tried telling them that I would be doing it, but the members—Jeonghan, especially—thought that Mingyu should do it. Mingyu was okay about it so...They might also have moved some of your things to Mingyu’s unit, or they're moving Mingyu’s to yours. I don’t really know…”
“Ge.”
Minghao felt Jun’s grip on him tightened.
“I want to go home,” he said softly, almost a whisper.
“Okay, okay. Your manager is right outside, I will tell him, yeah?” Junhui got up to leave but Minghao’s weak hand reached for his.
The older one looked at the other.
“Anshan,” Minghao said in a soft voice.
The room went silent.
Junhui couldn't form any word and Minghao just stared at the ceiling emotionless.
“Sorry, Hao,” was all Jun could manage.
Minghao found himself in a room he was not familiar with—or at least he's grown unfamiliar with. It has been a while since he last stepped foot here, perhaps some months before his 21st birthday.
The warmth of the room was just like before, yet Minghao noticed the creeping coldness in the corners—just there, ready to consume him.
Minghao observed more. There are lots of things missing, he just can't remember.
He stood up from lying on the bed but sat almost as instantly as he felt a dizzy feeling strike.
“Eisa?” He heard Wonwoo’s voice from the outside of the room. He opened the door making Minghao look at him.
“Mingyu went to the company to discuss some matter, he’ll be back in a few. Do you need anything?” Minghao only shook his head.
“Are you comfortable?” Wonwoo softly asked, taking advances as he reached for Minghao.
The younger one didn't answer but held Wonwoo’s hand instead.
Wonwoo sat on the floor, in front of Minghao. He watched the latter’s face, and only then did he notice how he had become.
He was a lot thinner. Cheeks had gone hollow, dark bags under his eyes, pale and dried lips. His eyes were no longer lively, it no longer had the sparks it used to have.
“Should I cook for you?” Wonwoo asked. Minghao used to laugh at that statement from him—his hyung cannot cook. But now, he remained still.
Wonwoo sighed, “I guess we should wait for Mingyu if we do not want to die of food poisoning.”
Wonwoo remained seated in front of him telling random stories—Minghao could almost see his Hoshi hyung in him. He stayed like that for almost an hour before Mingyu arrived.
As the newly arrived stepped foot in the same room, Minghao could swear he almost felt all the sickness in him vanish. Like he wasn't feeling lifeless just seconds ago.
Mingyu was just standing there, yet Minghao couldn't bring himself to look at him.
Wonwoo must’ve sensed the shift in the atmosphere so he took it as a queue to leave.
“Myungho…” Minghao felt a sudden tug at his chest the moment he heard Mingyu call his name.
The latter moved toward him and knelt to match his eye level.
“I’m sorry for what happened. I-I didn't mean to shout at you,” Mingyu apologized, reaching for Minghao’s hands, caressing them.
And for the first time in a long while, Minghao felt good.
He felt lighter.
Minghao looked at Mingyu, meeting his eyes.
He looked a lot more tired than when he last saw him.
“You look like you haven't slept a wink,” Minghao told him.
“I’m fine. It's you who should be resting. I’ll cook us dinner so you can take your meds after,” Mingyu stood up, leaving Minghao.
March 2019
In just weeks of living with Mingyu, he started feeling normal again. Even Wonwoo was surprised when he caught him doing the dishes one morning. Minghao had also called Seungcheol to let him attend the practices, but their leader was still hesitant. In the end, the members voted on it and most of them still wanted Minghao to rest.
The others were surprised with his fast recovery, yet only Junhui knew the truth—that once Minghao leaves Mingyu’s side, he’ll start getting sick and weak again.
Minghao was getting used to the set-up already. Mingyu and Wonwoo leaving for a schedule, then he’d be left on his own. He does not feel any hurt since their home screams Mingyu in every corner. By night, Mingyu would sleep next to him and Minghao would stare stiffly at the ceiling for about an hour before sleep starts to consume him.
“Myungho,” Minghao stirred upon hearing Mingyu call for him one night. They were already in bed, awkwardly positioned on either ends, and Minghao was, as always, just staring at the ceiling.
Minghao did not answer, but he knew that Mingyu knew that he was still awake.
“It's Younghee’s birthday later.”
Mingyu's voice almost cracked.
Minghao did not know what to say.
Mingyu took a deep breath, “Do you think her soulmark will match with mine?”
Minghao did not answer.
Mingyu was gone the moment Minghao woke up. He did not remember whether Mingyu even slept, waiting for Younghee to call him and bring him good news.
There wasn't a call when the clock struck zero o’clock.
There was no good news to tell, anyway.
It was supposed to be a day off but Minghao was left alone in the apartment. Wonwoo was probably at Soonyoung’s place, that was the only place he would spend his day off anyway. And Mingyu…he's probably with Younghee.
He’s probably having his heartbreak.
Or perhaps, their love is so strong even the threads of fate cannot pull them apart.
Minghao refused to be alone in the apartment, so he made his way to Junhui’s. Though he knew that it could be a risk since leaving the apartment means leaving his only safe space, that did not hinder him.
The older one welcomed him with a hug.
“Why did you leave? I could've gone to you instead,” Junhui said while still hugging him.
“I’ll be fine. I stole Mingyu’s sweater so I can still sense him somehow, besides it will only be for a moment, I won't die.”
“I’ll make a hotpot,” Jun said before releasing Minghao from the hug.
The whole morning was spent with them catching up while Jun made his specialty. Minghao tried to help him, but Junhui told him to just sit at the sofa because he might drain his energy.
Minghao was watching something on the television when he heard Junhui yelp from the kitchen. Minghao immediately rushed to him.
“What happened?”
“It's nothing, I just dropped some hot water on my foot. It will not burn me, don't worry.”
Junhui started to remove his right sock, and that was when Minghao noticed his soulmark.
“Ge, your mark…Why is it fading?”
Junhui took a deep breath, refusing to meet Minghao's eyes.
“Ge.”
“It's been ten months, Minghao. Ten months since she died, this mark will disappear once it becomes a full year.”
Minghao unknowingly took a step back as he heard that.
Junhui's soulmate was his childhood friend. At first, when Jun got his soulmark, they would arrange meet ups to satiate the need to be around each other. Jun never disclosed how he found out about her soulmark, he only said it just happened.
“Minghao.”
Only when he heard Jun calling him did he realize that he was staring blankly at Jun’s fading mark, and that his vision was already blurry for his orbs were starting to form tears.
Junhui guided him back to the sofa.
“It was an accident when I saw Yue’s mark, that was when I went back to China for vacation. I thought that we could have worked out even though living in different countries, but we couldn't. She had someone whom she loved so much she was willing to forget everything about me if it meant keeping him by her side. She…she had her soulmark removed just five months after I got mine. Then, just a few months later, I received the news that she was gone.”
At dusk, Minghao found himself sitting on the floor of his own apartment.
His mind filled with thoughts that even the scent of Mingyu's sweater could no longer soothe him.
For the first time in weeks, Minghao’s chest once again felt like it was about to burst. Like his heart would shatter.
His mind continued to drift back and forth to Junhui's story and the image of Mingyu and Younghee together.
What if…
What if Mingyu is willing to have his soulmark removed?
And Minghao felt suffocated, and weak…and so lonely.
“Myungho…” It was Soonyoung’s familiar voice that woke him up. He does not remember what happened after he curled himself on the floor trying to suppress his cries.
He heard the older release a sigh of relief when Minghao finally opened his eyes. He instantly met Soonyoung’s eyes.
“You slept on the floor. Thankfully, Wonwoo immediately noticed you weren't in their apartment and I immediately sensed that you went back to your own.”
“Sorry.”
“Why did you not even go there instead?” Soonyoung asked, pouring water into the glass for Minghao to drink.
“Well, I-I thought Mingyu was gonna take Younghee home, so I decided to give them some privacy.”
“Well, I should tell you. Mingyu went home alone. And according to Wonwoo, he was so gloomy. We were guessing that Younghee's soulmark was different from his.”
Minghao did not know how to react.
Soonyoung sat beside him.
“Well, you know…I kind of sensed that they weren't soulmates. Uhm…How should I say it?” Soonyoung trailed, trying to find the correct words.
“I thought Mingyu was going to match with that someone he met years ago.”
Minghao turned to look at him.
“Who?”
Soonyoung closed and opened his mouth, hesitating to answer. But under Minghao’s gaze, he spoke.
“...You.”
Minghao was caught off guard when he heard it.
“I-I mean…Sorry. That was stupid of me, sorry. I-I just thought. I-I…I mean, the others also thought that before.”
Minghao remained speechless as Soonyoung gave his reasons why they thought that way.
None made sense to him.
The smell of alcohol was all over the place when Minghao reached Mingyu and Wonwoo’s apartment. Yet, even with the overpowering smell, Minghao could only sense Mingyu's presence.
Wonwoo was the one who opened the door for him, telling him that he has not seen Mingyu ever since he came back home. He never had the courage to get inside Mingyu’s room because he knew he needed space.
“Perhaps he’ll let you in, you’re his best friend after all.”
When Minghao knocked on Mingyu's door, no one answered, so he opened it himself. What welcomed him was the sight of Mingyu unconscious on the floor, bottles of alcohol all over the place.
He immediately made his way to him.
Mingyu stirred, “Y-Younghee…”
Minghao felt a tug in his chest.
“Get up Gyu, you'll catch a cold if you sleep on the floor.”
“D-Do you really think we will not work out just because we have different marks?” Mingyu’s eyes were still closed, and still so drunk and unaware.
“Younghee, do you think my love for you is not big enough that it can't compare to that small soulmark?”
“Mingyu, get up,” was all Minghao could say. He can't seem to understand why even with Mingyu’s presence, with Mingyu in his arms, he could still feel his heart about to burst.
Exactly nine days after, Mingyu seemed to have gotten better. He did not bring up Younghee nor the soulmark, and Minghao has been living normally again.
It was night and Wonwoo was out of the apartment, it was his day off so he was most likely at Soonyoung’s place.
Mingyu just finished doing the dishes and Minghao was sitting in front of the floor-to-ceiling window, watching the busy city below.
Mingyu feigned a cough to get his attention.
Minghao turned to him and saw the taller one holding a bottle of wine and two wine glasses on the other.
“Do you want to get alcohol poisoning?” Minghao joked, and Mingyu sat beside him, settling the wine on the small table in front of them. He poured on both glasses and handed Minghao his.
“We haven’t done this since we moved out of dorms. It’s been so long,” Mingyu said.
They drank and said nothing until the first bottle ran out. Mingyu brought another one, something much stronger than the previous.
Minghao could sense it on Mingyu that he was already tipsy, which was surprising to him because he knew of his tolerance.
When they were half-way with the second bottle, Mingyu spoke.
“I-I saw…”
“What?”
“Younghee’s mark. It's the same with Seokmin’s.”
Minghao felt his breath hitched.
“Have you told Seokmin?”
“Why would I?”
Mingyu looked away.
“I know. Please don’t judge me. It’s just—if Younghee finds out, she’ll cut ties with me and I can’t lose her. I can’t…I know it’s selfish but it’s the only way I can keep her.”
Minghao was silent for minutes, trying to form a response, but no word would come out of his mouth.
“Besides, Seokmin is not looking for his soulmate anyway.”
“Have you ever thought about what Seokmin would feel if he found out?”
Have you ever thought about how your soulmate—how I would feel?
“I-I…he’ll get mad, but he’ll understand. We do share the same sentiment about it—love is bigger than fate. I know I’m being too selfish, there’s no excuses.”
And I am too selfless, then. Minghao thought. For he still understood despite being almost breathless. For he will choose to put Mingyu’s love in highest regard before anything else, even if that love was never his.
March 13, 2022
Mingyu just opened his eyes from a long sleep when his phone dinged, an indication that he received a notification. He immediately got up to see it and his heart almost took a leap when he saw who it was.
Younghee
Hi! Sorry for messaging you this early in the morning. I just want to invite you to the opening of my boss’ art gallery. I know you liked going in such, especially with Myungho so I’ll send you two tickets. Consider it my birthday and farewell gift.
Mingyu stared at the message, eyes focusing on one word.
It has been a while.
A long agonizing while.
Myungho.
Where are you?
It has been almost two years since he disappeared. Mingyu did not know what happened. No one knew—except, perhaps, the higher-ups who refused to tell them what Minghao's reason was. Even Seungcheol who threatened their bosses got nothing. No one had contact with Minghao right after their group’s fourth year anniversary.
Minghao just disappeared.
And Mingyu couldn’t fathom why he felt like half of him also disappeared, as if Minghao brought it with him.
Nothing just seemed to make sense ever since Minghao left.
Mingyu felt lifeless and lonely despite being surrounded by so many.
“Mingyu!” He was pulled out of reverie when he heard Wonwoo’s voice calling for him.
Mingyu made his way out of his room and what welcomed him was the sight of Wonwoo clinging to his lover, Soonyoung. He’s gotten used to it, really.
Somehow, his mind drifted back to that moment.
“Kim Mingyu! You disgusting piece of shit, do you even change your socks?!” Soonyoung said. Mingyu only rolled his eyes at him.
“There’s a package for you, I placed it on the table,” Wonwoo said.
It was a small envelope from Younghee.
He made his way back to his room as he opened it. Inside were two tickets and a small note.
Hi, I hope you’ve been well. It’s been a while since we fell apart. I will be leaving to search for him or her, and I hope you find yours, too. I hope you find your love.
Mingyu never told Younghee nor Seokmin about the soulmarks, he never got the chance to, for when Myungho left, he fell apart with Younghee, and Seokmin, like the rest, were still grieving to the point that it was hard to talk to each other.
He moved to his bedside table to put the tickets there for the meantime. That was when he noticed an old polaroid picture.
It was taken by Minghao on his 21st birthday. Both of them were so excited to see Mingyu’s soulmark. The picture was as nostalgic as it was silly, Mingyu was holding his right ankle pointing at his mark. Mingyu remembers—it did not even sting when the mark was starting to appear on his skin.
He moved to remove his right sock. It has also been a while since he stopped caring about the mark. He would conceal it most of the time, afraid that someone else would see it and have it tattooed on their skin. It was special to him, though it became meaningless to him when his former lover got a different one.
Mingyu took a deep breath, removing his sock completely. There it revealed the imprint.
And it was…
…Fading.
“Why is it fading?”
Mingyu felt a sudden tug at his chest.
Suddenly, it hurts to breathe.
Tears were forming in his eyes, and he didn’t know why.
It was one fine day—a short vacation, which has been rare for the past few months. Like most of the members, Mingyu went home. He brought Minghao with him to Anyang since they were given only about three days of rest before their next schedule so that meant Minghao couldn’t visit his parents in China yet.
“I’ll go with you to Anshan when we have a longer vacation,” Mingyu said, trying to console Minghao. It has also been a while since Minghao went home, that was probably why he was feeling gloomy and homesick.
“It’s fine. I just called Mama and Papa earlier anyway.”
“Then why are you so down? Eomma thought we fought,” Mingyu said.
“Well, I was just thinking…”
“Hmm?”
“You’ll turn 21 in a few months—like in eight months. Then you’ll have your soulmark by then.”
“That’s true.”
“Aren’t you scared?” Minghao faced him.
“Why would I be? Getting my soulmark means I am one step away from finally meeting the one for me, the one I will spend the rest of my life with.”
“But…what if your soulmate turns out to be a horrible person? And you will be tied to them for eternity,” Minghao rambled, which Mingyu found cute.
“Hmm…I actually never thought of that.”
“Then you should start thinking about it.”
“Well…I may or may not have a guess of who my soulmate will be.”
“Who do you think it is?” Minghao looked at Mingyu with wide eyes, which, once again, Mingyu found cute.
“Well, I can’t tell you.” Minghao rolled his eyes at him. “What about you? Are you not scared of who and what kind of person your soulmate will turn out to be?”
Minghao went silent for a while.
“I can only hope that he or she will be a good person. I do not want to suffer until I die, you know?”
Mingyu chuckled at that.
“Whoever hurts you is heartless, Myungho. How can anyone hurt you?”
“I cannot control fate, Gyu.”
Mingyu leaned back to his seat, staring at the sky above them.
“Why do soulmates even have to exist? When we can just choose who we want to love and keep for the rest of our lives?”
“How I wish we can actually choose who we want to love,” Minghao said softly, Mingyu barely heard it. “I wish we were never bound by imaginary threads that dictate who we should stay with.”
‘I hope there’s a way to cut that thread.’
Mingyu opened his eyes, panting. He dreamt of that memory again. Mingyu couldn’t figure out as to why his mind was being plagued by that certain scenario with Minghao. And every time, Minghao’s last words would echo in his mind until he opened his eyes.
“Why is this happening?”
It has been almost two weeks of consistently dreaming of that scene and every time—every single time—Mingyu would notice how Minghao’s face was getting blurry and blurry until Mingyu was not even sure anymore how he looked like that day.
Minghao was almost fading in that memory.
Mingyu felt a tug at his chest.
And he noticed the mark on his ankle.
It was almost gone.
Mingyu would find himself staring at his mark, and every single day, it was losing its color until it looked just like a scar. Mingyu dreaded the day that it completely disappeared from his skin.
In just days, it was almost gone.
Mingyu knew what it meant. That his soulmate had died a year before.
Mingyu wouldn’t have cared if his soulmate was dead for he never planned to find him or her anyway. But he was being haunted.
Every night, when he closes his eyes to sleep, a soft airy voice would call his name.
And when the clock struck zero on April 6th, Mingyu’s soulmark was gone.
His soulmate died exactly one year ago—on his 24th birthday.