Chapter Text
All the lights focus on one point on the stage as the opening act concludes, and the host says, “Give it up for Natsuki Subaru!”
Subaru walks in with confidence and a bright smile as he begins:
“So hey guys, how’s it going? For those who don’t know me, I’m Natsuki Subaru, and this is, like, my first show… so how about we get things started with a story?
So, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship, because my first one, back in my college years, didn’t quite work out. But don’t worry—we ended things on a good note, so no hard feelings. But if dating has taught me something, it’s that we boys really need to watch out for some traps and tricks to avoid breaking a relationship.
And don’t worry—today, Professor Subaru is going to teach you everything there is about love.”
“You see, often when we guys get together, we follow a pattern in our conversations. We’re always trying to one-up each other.
Like, one guy says, ‘Bro, I fell from my bike yesterday.’
Another goes, ‘Oh yeah? I fell once too.’
Then someone says, ‘I fell from the stairs.’
And then one legend goes, ‘I once fell from a skyscraper.’
(Audience:laughs)
So all the guys in this class right now—listen carefully. If you are with a girl, please do NOT follow this pattern. Got it?”
(Audience: “Yes, sir!”)
“If she’s telling a story, don’t start yours trying to one-up her. Because sometimes… it gets risky.
Like once, my girl came to me and said, ‘You won’t believe what happened today.’
And I said, ‘I live with you in this apartment—of course I can believe it. Just tell me.’”
(Audience:laughs)
“And she goes, ‘When I was in third grade—’
All the girls in the house, give me a cheer!”
(Girls cheer)
“And here’s some advice for you girls: if you think your man—your husband or your boyfriend… and if you have both, then good for you… if you think he’s not paying attention to your story, just include a guy in it. He will listen with utmost focus.
He’ll interrupt at random points like:
‘And what was his position in the story?’
‘How did he talk to you?’
‘How did he say hello? Was it hello… or helloooo?’”
(Audience:laughs)
“Anyways, coming back to the story…
My girl was like, ‘So when I was in third grade, there was this guy called Reji who was my best friend. When we were kids, we used to hold hands all day long. We even used to think we would get married, because we were innocent back then.
Then he left town in fourth grade when his dad got transferred. And we were kids—we didn’t have devices back then. Nowadays, kids are so spoiled. They have iPads… even my cousin sister’s kid has two iPads, and he still keeps asking, ‘Mama, when are you gonna get me a—’
And I was like, ‘Hey! Get back to the boy’s story! Don’t just abruptly introduce a new character and leave the story hanging. What do I get by listening about your cousin sister’s kid? Get back to Reji!’”
(Audience:laughs)
“And she was like, ‘Yeah, sorry, sorry.’
So she continues, ‘Just imagine—back then, that was our last interaction. It’s been so many years, I don’t even remember how many. But today, I got a DM from him on my social media account. So I was thinking I should go meet him next week, since he’s studying at a college close to ours.’”
“And then… my guy-pattern kicked in.
I thought—hey, even I can tell a story like this.
(Audience:laughs)
So I said, ‘You know what? When I was in high school, there was this senior called Sumire that everyone had a crush on—but she only talked to me. We had such a bond that everyone called her “senpai,” but I called her by her first name.
She just got married here in our city, and coincidentally, I met her a few days back. She even invited me for lunch with her husband… so I was also thinking of going. You wanna come along?’”
“Okay guys, is this story the same?”
(Audience: “No!”)
“How many think it’s the same? Give me a yes.”
(male voices: “Yes!”)
“How many think it’s not the same? Give me a no.”
(Female voices: “No!”)
“You can tell from the voices who thinks it’s the same and who doesn’t. All my innocent boys are like, ‘It’s the same,’ but all the clever girls are like, ‘No.’”
“So for those who don’t understand what was wrong with my version—and I didn’t understand it at that time either—her story was from childhood. It had innocence. But mine… was a semi-young setting with a bit of… let’s say… *extra emotion* in it.
“But no problem—it happens, right?
What shouldn’t have happened… happened.
Sumire knocked on our apartment door.”
(Audience gasps)
“Now here’s one tip for the girls too—see, boys don’t only tell fiction. There is always a bit of truth in it… just heavily exaggerated during storytelling.”
“So after Sumire’s surprise visit, something happened.
I asked my girl to pass me the water bottle. Now, do you guys want to see magic? Just look at the faces of the girls around you—they already know what I’m about to say.
Because the ability to taunt and show sarcasm is inbuilt in the entire female species.”
“Anyways, what my girl said was:
‘Why don’t you ask Sumire to give it to you?’”
“Now what happens is—no matter how virtuous a man is, there’s always a little bit of deceit in his heart. Even if he doesn’t act on it, he still thinks… maybe what didn’t happen in school could happen here.”
“Because every man has this fantasy: he’s in a random hotel room, and suddenly a strange, beautiful girl knocks on his door and asks him for sex.
And that’s only a fantasy. Because if it actually happens in real life, I guarantee—the guy will slam the door shut and lock himself in the bathroom for a few hours.”
“But if you ask him later, he’ll say, ‘Bro… I rocked her world.’”
“So seeing Sumire kind of awakened that little bit of deceit in me, and I got a bit off balance.
And I was like, ‘What’s her fault in this? Why did you bring her here?’
And she goes, ‘Subaru, why are you yelling at me?’
I’m like, ‘I’m not! I just want some water—please pass the bottle.’
She goes, ‘Why are you getting irritated?’
I’m like, ‘I’m not getting irritated, my dear, just please give me water—I’m thirsty.’
And she goes, ‘Subaru, don’t mollycoddle me.’”
“And I was like, ‘How can I mollycoddle you? I don’t even know what that word means! How can I do something I don’t even know?’”
(Audience:laughs)
“And she goes, ‘Subaru, I will never forget the day you yelled at me because of that cheap girl.’
And I’m like, ‘You don’t even know her that well—please don’t call my friend cheap.’
And she goes, ‘Wow, so now you’re feeling bad for her?’
And then she starts doing cheerleader poses, chanting:
‘Cheap Sumire! Cheap Sumire! Sumire is what? Cheap! C-H-E-A-P!’”
“And I’m like… how do you even respond to that?”
“So I just went to the washroom to escape.
And what happens in every washroom… happened.
I got the PERFECT comeback.
I realized I could have said the same thing about Reji. But these comebacks… they never come on time.”
“So I waited for two days. Just waiting for her to ask me something so I could say, ‘Why don’t you ask Reji for it?’”
“One day, she went to the washroom, and I slid her book away. She came back and asked me to pass it to her.
And I was fully focused. I was like—yes… this is my moment.
Because I was seeking vengeance. And I’m a very vindictive person… I just don’t remember that I am.”
“So I said, in full sigma male expression—not even looking at her:
‘Why are you asking me? Why don’t you ask Reji for it?’”
“I held my expression. No facial movement. No gestures. Just the line.
I held that pose for like 10 seconds.
No response.
Now I’m scared.”
“So I look at her…
And the enemy has used its most dangerous weapon.”
(Sniffing sound)
“She started crying.
And I’m like, ‘I’m not playing this game anymore—you’re cheating now!’”
“I tried to console her—‘Don’t cry, there’s nothing to cry about.’
And she goes, ‘No, Subaru… I’m not crying because of Reji. I’m crying because I just realized that for the past two days, you were pretending to love me… and all you wanted was to become Reji in the conversation.
And that hurt me deeply. It breaks my heart.’”
“And I’m like… huh? What?
How did this happen?
I was trying to get even—how did we go from 1… to minus 10?”