Archive of Our Own

*** 💚July 3, 1:43 AM 🩷***

Jisung didn’t know where he was running. But he ran. He ran away. To forget. Because Jisung was a coward. He knew that. And fuck he hated it, hated himself. Jisung let out a sob, collapsing on a bench on the sidewalk. He pulled his phone out. He was surprised to see drops of rain pouring down onto his screen. He hadn’t realized it was raining. He fumbled, hands shaking, and dropped it. It shattered on the concrete.

He hiccuped. He had no clue where he was and now he couldn’t get home. He buried his head in his hands. He was so stupid. He felt like a disposable water bottle. Something used until no longer useful.

Shit.

Suddenly, a car drove by, headlights shining in the darkness. Jisung shrank into himself, eyes stinging from the sudden light. How bright could a car’s headlights get? He squinted and saw it was a black Mercedes-AMG. The car pulled over clumsily, as if never having parallel parked before. A pretty blond boy in a pink skirt, ripped black tights, a gray cropped shirt, showing his toned stomach and a diamond belly button piercing, and a black jacket that looked rushed, like an after thought, jumped out of the car. He almost fell over.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Felix cursed, “Channie is gonna kill me, ohmygod.” Jisung just stared at him, rivers of tears flowing down his face. 

“Hanji- Where- We were all so worried and we thought you-” Felix cut himself off and pulled Jisung up, taking his jacket off and draping it over his shoulders. Jisung threw himself into his best friend’s arms. 

“Minho- He-” Jisung sobbed, eyes swollen and red. “He broke up with me!!” His breaths came in short bursts and his throat was closing up. Felix held him as he cried. 

“Shhhh, Hanji, it’s ok. It’ll be ok I promise,” Felix guided him into the passenger seat of his car, ignoring the rainwater soaking his car. Jisung stared at his hands, breathing fast and choked. His vision blurred, he shook, hands reaching up to his throat. His ears started to ring and Felix stared at him in confusion. “I can’t-” Then everything went black.

*** 💚July 3, 2:36 AM 🩷***

Jisung woke up on Chan’s couch. Changbin, Felix, Chan, Seungmin, Hyunjin, and Jeongin surrounded him. He started.

“What the fuck...” He vaguely remembered running away after the breakup and Felix helping him into his car, but the rest was blank. “How did I get here? Minho. I need to talk to him.”

Chan stopped him from standing, speaking in that fatherly voice that always made the members feel seen. “Minho went to Gimpo to see his parents.” Chan was holding Felix’s hand. He remembered Seungmin asking him if the two Aussies were dating. He didn’t know. 

“I’m tired,” he sighed and reached up to touch his face. His cheeks were dry.

“No shit Sherlock,” Hyunjin slid into the conversation effortlessly. That was one of the reasons he envied him so much before their debut. He never had to worry about what to say. “You ran about a mile before collapsing on that bench.”

“How long was I out for?”

“About an hour. You were so overwhelmed and upset your body shut down to recharge,” Chan explained.

“Han.. What happened? Felix said Minho broke up with you? But you guys were so happy together.” Jeongin stared at him questioningly, voice cracking. 

*** 💚July 3, 12:56 PM 🩷***

Jisung walked into the training room of JYP Entertainment. There was a hard choreo he just couldn’t quite get right. That’s when he saw Minho. He was dancing flawlessly.

“Jagiya,” he yelled, running to Minho. He pouted. “Can you help me with the choreo, please.”

Minho just smiled. “Of course. I saw you struggling with it earlier.” It was a light hearted tease.

“Shut up,” Jisung pouted, whining.

Minho seemed to sober. “Hey.. Jisungie?”

Jisung raised an eyebrow. “Yes Minho?”

 “Look.. Jisung.” Minho shook his head. “I just think maybe this isn’t working out. The stress and.. I just think we should separate for a while.” Jisung stood there for a second, he could not believe what he was hearing.

“B-but,” Jisung had whined, holding back tears. “You make that better! Please Minho don’t do this to me.” He bit his lip so hard it started bleeding. His tears spilled over as he reached out to Minho, who was backing away.

“Jisungie, it’s better this way,” Minho looked as torn up as Jisung did, and his mouth twitched like it did when he lied, but Jisung was too blinded by his heartbreak and tears to notice. Jisung fled, running out of the JYP building as fast as he could, ignoring the staff yelling behind him. 

*** 💚July 3, 2:41 PM 🩷 ***

Hyunjin swore. Like he always did. He was like a sailor. “Shit. Hannie, are you sure?”

Jisung didn’t want to burden them with his problems, so he stayed silent. 

“Hannie..” Hyunjin’s voice was a warning.

“Of course,” Jisung exclaimed, tears welling up in his eyes again. “Look, I don't want to talk about it.”

“Ok, Hanji. We’re always here for you.” Felix smiled at him.

Jisung hugged him. “Thank you Lixxie. I love you.” Everyone crowded around him in a big group hug. Jeongin yawned. 

“I’m so tired,” he mumbled. There was a chorus of me toos and soon everyone shuffled into their respective dorms. Felix gave him a reassuring smile. Jisung got up to go to the dorm he shared with Felix after a while. He laid down next to the slightly younger boy. 

“Hanji, are you ok?”

“Not really,” Jisung sniffled. “I really thought we had something. I don’t know why he broke up with me. Was I not good enough?” The tears started running down his face again, and Jisung buried his face in Felix’s chest, getting his tank top wet with tears and snot. When did he change out of his clothes? Jisung must have been passed out. Felix rubbed his back.

“Aww honey I know..” He whispered. ‘It’s ok. Shhh..”

Eventually, the two fell asleep, curled together for comfort. 

*** 💚July 6, 3:26 PM 🩷***

After a few days, Jisung's heart ache didn’t get worse, but it didn't get better either. He often lost sleep to anxiety about not being good enough for Lee Minho. He always had those doubts, until Minho would kiss them away. 

Minho was still away in Gimpo with his parents. One day, in the 3RACHA studio working on a new song for their next comeback, Jisung slammed his head on the tables and groaned.

“I’v had such bad writers block ever since…” He trailed off, the wound still too raw to talk about openly. 

Changbin looked up from whatever he was working on and walked over, pulling up a chair and sitting next to Jisung. Chan was out that day, filming a Racha log with Hyunjin in Gangnam District. He patted his shoulder.

“If it makes you feel better, my girlfriend dumped me.”

“Wow,” he grumbled. “That just makes me sad for you. How bad of a boyfriend do you have to be for them to break up with the Seo Changbin?” Although it was a rhetorical question, meant only to poke fun, Jisung flinched, realizing the same logic could be applied to his relationship, or, ex-relationship, with Minho.

Changbin, who didn’t notice, clutched his chest in mock offense. “Aghhh it burns!” They laughed together, but Jisung’s was framed with the bitter sweet of a self-depricating joke.

“Hyung?”

“Yea, Ji?”

“When is Minho-hyung coming back?” Changbin sucked his teeth.

“He’s coming back tomorrow.”

“What?”

*** 💚July 7, 4:59 PM 🩷 ***

He had to get up in an hour, he knew. But he couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed. He also knew he was going to have to face Minho, sooner or later, and with the way his schedule looked for today, it was probably going to be the former. He rolled over, sighing. He tried not to wake Felix, but the freckled boy stirred in his sleep, one eye opening slightly.

“Hanji..? Why aren’t you asleep??” Felix mumbles, half asleep.

“Nothing Lix. Go to sleep.” Felix went back to sleep almost immediately, exhausted after recording yesterday. They were all tired. As much as he didn’t want to see Minho, he almost wished he could have gone to Gimpo with his hyung. If only for a break from work, of course. It was as he wondered about asking his manager for a vacation as a group he finally dozed off. 

*** 💚July 7, 6:00 PM 🩷 ***

His alarm, nothing other than Want So Bad, a song he and Minho had written while still together, woke him up. He felt a sting in his chest and turned it off, making a mental note to change it. 

He stood up, woke Felix, and dragged himself to his stylist to get ready. He was dressed in a pair of black cargo jeans, a red cropped shirt, and his makeup was done the same as usual. He inquired about what the SKZ Code was going to be about that day.

“I think it’s just some paper folding or whatever,” the stylist said. He thought her name was Seo Nari.

“Oh, alright.” They lapsed into comfortable silence as she finished up his makeup. His hands fidgeted with a chain on his jeans. 

“Alright,” Nari said with confidence. 

‘Yeah.” Jisung responded, cringing. He was usually better at interacting with staff, but he was nervous about seeing Minho for the first time since Jisung ran away and fainted in Felix’s car.

Once he entered the filming room, already overstimulated from the stress of seeing Minho again, the unusually long styling, and the constant reminders he’s gone, gone, gone, the cameras and the blinding lights made him want to curl up in a ball and hit his head against the floor.

“Alright,” the manager instructed. First, you guys are going to learn origami. We are doing a collaboration with Itzy’s Yuna today. She is going to judge your origami swans!”

Jisung groaned inwardly. He was never good with folding paper. He finally locked eyes with him. Lee Minho. He let out a little gasp and as much as he told himself that this wasn’t going to happen, his heart fluttered and his stomach pooled with lovesick longing. Minho looked away, he couldn’t bear to see the pain in Jisung’s eyes. The dark haired boy swallowed dry. Jisung sat on the opposite side of the table, not ready to face him. He kept fidgeting with his chain, trying to pay attention, but his eyes kept straying away, whether that be to Felix for emotional support or Minho. At one point after Jisung caught Minho glancing at him, Felix shot him a thumbs up. The rest of the members were joking around, laughing and teasing happily. Jisung felt sick.

Jeongin leaned towards him, asking, “Hey, are you ok?”

“Yeah.” He responded quickly, glancing at the cameras. Jisung didn’t want the microphones to pick up their conversation or notice Jeongin’s concern. He messed up a fold and restarted that section. He swallowed the bile that threatened to come up. 

Chan noticed too. He glanced worriedly at Jisung, then the staff. Yuna was sitting out of sight, behind the cameras, along with their manager and cameramen. She was chatting with the hair stylist. Minho was talking to Hyunjin about his swan. Jisung felt his eye twitch as he saw how normal Minho was being. He leaned around Jeongin and Chan to look at Felix, pouting to show that he was anxious. Felix scrunched his face in sympathy and silent support. Jisung’s leg shook under the table. His mind wandered as he followed the instructions, the laughter of his friends fading away as he dissociated. Next on the schedule he was supposed to film a 2kids room with his roommate, Felix. He really needed to talk to him, but couldn’t openly that day due to a packed schedule.

“Hey Channie,” Jeongin whined. “I can’t get this fold right, can you help me?” Jisung sighed in relief to hear Jeongin ask for help, because he was also struggling with that fold but was too embarrassed to admit it. 

“Of course, Innie. Here, so..” Chan went on explaining and Jisung followed along silently, trying not to seem like he was eavesdropping. He didn’t need a rumor flying around right now.

*** 💚 July 7, 7:28 PM 🩷 ***

Eventually, they all finished their swans. They had to bring them up to Yuna’s judging table and set them in an order the manager was keeping track of while she was in the bathroom, so she didn’t know which swan was whose. After going back to his spot at the end of the table, farthest from the door, he buried his head in his arms, to block out the harsh, blinding light, before realizing he might mess up his makeup. The idol lifted his head and checked his sleeves, praying he didn’t smudge his foundation. Jisung’s heart felt heavy, whether with the stress of a full schedule or the breakup, he didn’t know. Probably a little of both. At least he got to spend time with his best friend later.

Yuna returned from the restroom, smiling for the cameras. She was always charismatic. He knew her during training, and even then, she glowed compared to the other trainees. Yuna sat down and after regarding the swans carefully, she held up Minho’s for the camera to see. 

“This is the winner,” her voice was sing song-y. “The folds were very precise. Who was it?”

Minho raised his hand, and Jisung looked away, shaking. Minho smiled a tight smile. He bowed dramatically for the camera and walked back to his seat. Jisung bit his cheek harshly.

“Alright, and that's a wrap,” one of the cameramen said.

Jisung stared at the floor before their manager instructed them to go to their next schedule. He opened the door and everyone went their separate ways. He and Felix started walking to the room where they would start filming. Once the others went off to their next event, Jisung grabbed Felix’s hand, eyes already growing red with the pain of his thoughts.

“Felix. I- Did you see Minho? It was like he didn't care at all,” Jisung sniffed. Felix hugged him gently, rubbing his back.

“Hanji, you guys have had a connection since training. I’m sure that’s not true.”

“But he didn’t seem affected at all!”

“You’re still upset,” Felix said softly. “He could have just been masking.” Jisung shook his head. Felix was always so logical when it came to other’s feelings. Sometimes it made Jisung feel a little insane.

“Whatever. Thank you Lix,” Jisung wiped his eyes. “Let’s just go to the filming room. We’re late.”

“Ok Hanji. Whatever you want.”

Jisung smiled. They reached the room. Jisung hesitated, then reached for the door handle. He tried not to fidget. 

*** 💚 July 7, 11:34 PM 🩷 ***

After a long day of filming and producing, Jisung was finally in his bed with Felix. The other 3RACHA members were still in the studio, but insisted that Jisung get some rest. Chan even offered to make Jisung tea after Jisung showed him a particularly sad song he had written.

“Felix?”

“Yes Hanji?”

“Do you ever wonder whether you’re good enough for Channie?” Felix spluttered. “Uhm, wait no. That sounded better in my head. You guys are a thing, right?”

“Well, I..” Felix trailed off.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me, Lix. It’s just something I've noticed.”

Felix sighed. “It’s ok Hanji,” he smiled. “Yeah, we’re dating. I just didn’t want to phrase it weird. And to your previous question.. Yeah. I do feel like that sometimes. I mean, Channie-hyung is just so amazing and I’m just.. Me.” He smiled bitterly.

“Oh Lix,” Jisung cooed. “You’re amazing too! You’re our sunshine,” he teased. 

“Thanks Jisung. Why did you ask?”

…He wasn’t expecting that question, although he should have.

“Sometimes.. Especially now that Minho-hyung has,” his voice cracked. “Broken up with me, I wonder that. Like, what if I wasn’t a good boyfriend? He’s so handsome. He probably wants someone in his league. Not me.” Jisung started crying, soft, small sobs. He curled up into Felix. “I probably burdened him.” Jisung knew these thoughts weren’t really true, they were just his anxiety. But that didn’t stop them. He sobbed again.

Felix rubbed his back until sleep came.

*** 💚July 8, 6:00 PM 🩷***

Jisung's alarm, still Want So Bad, woke him with a pang of sadness. After checking the schedule for that day, he realized he was filming a live alone with.. Minho. Ok. Ok. Shit. Fuck. His mind started racing, making up scenarios as intense as the emotions he was feeling. Jisung rolled over. He realized Felix was already gone, probably moved to Chan’s dorm after Jisung fell asleep. While it stung a little to know he was alone all night, he didn’t actually mind that much, after all, he was used to being left.

He groaned, dragging himself out of bed to get ready.

His stylist put him in a dark purple cardigan and light blue baggy jeans with dark blue butterflies threaded on. He also had his signature black, sparkly platform combat boots. Jisung always felt more confident in platforms. He knew he would need that confidence today. The stylist, as if in on the secret, did his makeup a little bolder. He knew that was unlikely, though. 

*** 💚July 8, 8:03 PM 🩷***

Jisung walked into the room. He was late, and hoped that the staff wouldn’t give him a hard time. He had dawdled outside the door, not wanting to face his ex-boyfriend. Upon entering, his eyes went everywhere except Minho. The ceiling, cameras, staff, and finally landing on the floor. 

“Sit on the couch,” the staff directed. He sat far away from Minho, stiff. His stomach felt like it was being poked by needles. Jisung blinked quickly and started fidgeting with the hem of his cardigan.

“Ok, so we want you guys to discuss your last ‘date’ with the fans,” the manager stated. Jisung flinched with the reminder of their relationship.

“And… Starting on three.”

“One.” Jisung’s palms started sweating. His eyes didn’t want to stay on Minho.

“Two.” He felt his head start to throb with an oncoming headache as he tried to mold his face into an appropriate expression.

“Three.” He smiled and waved at the camera, putting on a brave face.

“Hello, stay! We’re gonna talk about our last date,” Jisung winked, trying not to cry.

“We went down to this amazing cat cafe where there was this adorable calico named Samsaeki!” Minho beamed. Jisung’s heart, as much as he tried to scold his body, fluttered painfully at his hyung’s expression of joy. He sniffed. 

“Lee Know-hyung enjoyed petting all the cats,” Jisung added in a stiff tone. 

“Jisungie was sneezing the whole time,” Minho giggled. Jisung stiffened and swallowed at the use of the petname, resisting the urge to tell him not to call him that.

The staff, holding up a tablet with the comments scrolling by, flashed a warning look, as if saying, I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but cut it out. The comments were asking about Jisung, wondering why he looked so tense and sad.

Jisung just laughed, “I’m fine, really! I’ve just had a long few days.” He coughed, realistically enough that only Minho would catch the meaning. Minho flinched.

“Yeah we’ve had a busy week,” Minho said lightly.

The staff gestured to them to get back to the date.

“Uhm.. We found this library room in the cafe where the cats had beds on top of the shelves. They had all kinds of books,” Jisung fidgeted, peeling off some skin, making his cuticles bleed.

Minho reached over and stopped his hand. Jisung looked up at the touch and Minho snatched his hand away, having reached out only out of reflex. What the hell was that? Jisung wondered.

“Yeah we had a great time,” Minho smiled as if nothing happened. Jisung felt himself getting irritated, scratching his leg as a way to mute his emotion.

“Yeah,” he agreed, a little bit of anger leaking into his voice. The staff signed to turn off the live. “Thats pretty much it,” Jisung smiled. “Bye, we love you all!” He hugged the camera and the staff ended the live. His smile dropped immediately.

“Hey, Lee Know, Han, come here,” their manager, Hae-In, called for them. 

“Yeah?” Minho replied.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you guys,” Jisung cringed, “but fans noticed you guys weren’t acting as carefree and, dare I say, flirty, as usual. They were especially worried about Han.” She gave him a stern look.

He bowed slightly. “Sorry Hae-In-Ah.” Minho nodded in agreement.

The staff and manager left the room, leaving the two (Ex) lovers alone. 

“Look, Jisungie,” Minho started.

“Don’t call me that,” Jisung snapped, tears spilling.

“But I-”

“But what Hyung? You broke up with me. You don’t get to ‘but’ me,” Jisung was fully crying now. “I just don’t understand! Was I not good enough for you?”

“No Jisungie- I mean, Jisung! Of course not! I told you, your anxiety-”

“I don’t care about that! I don’t care how anxious I get, Minho, I just want you.”

Minho swallowed hard, “Jisung. I know how it affects you! I’ve heard you crying about the pressure..” Jisung didn’t hear anything after “affects.”

“Thats not for you to decide!” Jisung sobbed.

The door swung open.

“What are you guys.. Oh.” Chan stopped at seeing the scene in front of him. Jisung was sobbing and Minho was desperately trying to explain himself.

“You know what..? Just.. Do either of you need a friend?” Channie sighed, resigned to the situation in front of him.

Jisung pushed past a surprised Chan and ran to his and Felix’s dorm. Bursting in, he cried out and ran into Felix’s arms.

“Minho hyung,” he gasped, sobbing into his best friend’s shoulder. 

“Hanji!?” Felix exclaimed. That’s when Jisung saw Hyunjin sitting on the bed, shocked, holding one of Felix’s skirts.

“What the fuck? Hannie?” Hyunjin stood, dropping the skirt on the floor. 

“What happened??” Felix moved his hands in the air, unsure. Jisung just cried and cried until the salt water soaked the arm of Felix’s shirt. They moved to the bed and Hyunjin curled against his left while Felix sat on his right. They sat there for a moment while Jisung sniffed and wiped his wet face, shoulders shaking with silent, unshed tears. He nodded for them to speak, although his heart still hurt.

“Do you want to tell us why you just ran in the door like a fucking maniac, sobbing your eyes out?” Hyunjin poked his cheek, breaking the silence. Felix pressed a kiss to Jisung’s head.

“Me and Minho had to film a-” his voice broke and he squeezed his eyes closed in a slow blink.

“It’s ok, talk when you’re ready,” Felix encouraged.

“We had to film a live and talk about our last date,” he let out a small sob.

“At the cat cafe?” Felix asked. Jisung nodded.

“After it was over, Hae-In told us to work past whatever issues we had.” He stopped, unable to go on.

“I assume that's not why you ran into Felix’s arms,” Hyunjin raised an eyebrow.

“They left us alone in the room,” he gulped, “and I started going off about how I wasn’t good enough for him and he said that he thought the pressure was too much for me and when I told him he didn’t get to make that decision for me Channie walked in and Iwasjustsosoembarrassed.” His words ran together. He choked and gasped for air, not having stopped to breathe during the long sentence.

Felix threw himself into Jisung’s lap, “Hanji, we love you so much, if you want to talk we’re here!” Jisung just nodded, not trusting himself to talk without bawling again. 

“Do you want to talk more, or just cuddle with me and Jinnie until you fall asleep?”

“I just wanna sleep,” Jisung mumbled, yawning.

Felix and Hyunjin smiled at him and they fell asleep in a pile on Jisung’s bed.

*** 💚July 9, 7:00 PM 🩷***

Jisung remembered to change his alarm this time, he changed it to the meme Felix went viral for, just to annoy him. “Wakey Wakey.” Today, they didn’t have to get up so early because all they were doing that day was record the songs for their next comeback. He rolled over, laying on his right side, and saw Felix, rubbing his eyes.

“You seriously changed your alarm to that?” Felix sighed. Jisung just smirked.

“You guys are so loud,” Hyunjin whined and groaned. 

Him and Felix laughed softly.

 “Hey, are you ok, Hanji?” The events of the previous day came flooding back and he felt a weight settle on his chest.

“I don’t know. I just don’t feel ready to talk to him again,” he sighed. “And I have to critique his singing now.”

“That does suck ass,” Hyunjin sympathized. “But Channie and Bin will be there.”

“Yeah but after Chan walked in on the fight, it’ll be awkward,” Jisung shook his head, burying his face in his pillow.

“When has Channie hyung ever judged you?” Felix pointed out.

Jisung thought for a moment, before landing on, “Hyunjin and Channie tore up my watermelon underwear.” Hyunjin spluttered.

Felix cleared his throat, “besides that, Hanji.”

“Never…” Jisung pouted.

“Exactly,” Hyunjin butted in. “He’ll probably just pull you aside to check if you’re ok.”

“WHAT!? I don’t want him to do that!”

“He’s our leader. It’s his job,” Felix patted Jisung’s shoulder.

“Do we need to go to the stylist today?” Hyunjin wondered aloud.

“No,” Felix responded. “We can just pick out our own outfits.”

“What are you going to wear?” Jisung asked.

“I want to wear a skirt, but we’re going to be filmed for one of those ‘behind the scenes’ videos,” Felix laid his head back on the pillow in frustration.

“Oh Felix,” Hyunjin said gently. “I can’t believe the staff won’t let you, I get that Korea isn’t as progressive,” he did finger quotes, “but our fans are so accepting. We don't want the ones who wouldn’t be, anyways.”

Felix just pouted. 

*** 💚 July 9, 11:25 PM 🩷 ***

“I think the rap should be faster,” Chan pointed out. Changbin sighed.

“OK,” he replied.

After Felix left, giving Jisung a wink for support, Minho opened the door. The air shifted with something unidentifiable

“Minho, for this part you have more of a…” As Chan talked, Jisung zoned out, trying to drown out the sound of them conversing so normally like his entire world wasn’t split in half only three days ago.

He thought about whether the most recent song he had written would be released as a single for his birthday or on an album. Chan said he needed to talk to Changbin about it, but he hadn’t yet, and it had been 48 hours. He absent mindedly poked the dry skin on his middle finger tip with his nail. Jisung needed to practice the guitar soon..

“Sung? Are you with us?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah!” He screwed his nose up.

“Ok, I need your opinion. Do you think that this verse should be more breathy? You wrote it, and I think it would sell the idea more, but Changbin says we should add diction to convey more intense emotion.”

“Uh, I don’t know. What is it?”

“Paragraph 3,” Chan sounded exasperated.

“Sorry hyung,” Jisung chewed his lip.

“It’s fine. What do you think,” Chan pushed.

“I think breathy would work more,” his lip started to bleed and he tugged at his jeans.

“Alright. Minho, from the top,” Changbin instructed, out voted. “Add more breaths in this time.”

“Yep,” the brunette replied.

Jisung couldn’t handle the sight of his.. Ex? Boyfriend? Friend? singing the verse Jisung had actually written about Minho when they were still dating. He stood and speed walked out of the door, accidentally slamming it behind him. 

“Fuck, fuck,” he muttered to himself. 

He got side eyed by a new trainee, Bong-Jin, as Jisung stood outside the entrance to the 3RACHA studio.

“I’m fine,” he snapped, before catching himself. “Sorry. Did you need something or just passing by?”

“I can’t find the practice rooms,” the 15 year old said timidly. Jisung saw his own anxiety in the child and smiled gently, remembering how he put on quite the show as a trainee.

“They’re down the second hall to the left, fifth door on the right.”

“Thank you!”

*** 💚July 9, 11:57 PM 🩷***

Jisung had decided to go to Seungmin. He knew the younger would give it to him straight (and savagely). He knocked on his dorm room’s door.

Seungmin opened the door, his roommate, Jeongin, was sitting on their shared bed behind him.

“I need advice.”

“What is it, Han?”

“I…” He realized he didn’t quite know. “I can’t.. Like, be in the same room as Minho without.. Freaking out, I guess??”

“Jeonginnie, can you go get some food for later so I can talk to Han-hyung?” Jeongin nodded and walked past them.

“Good luck with Minho,” Jeongin said. Jisung sometimes forgot how observant their maknae was.

“Alright. Jisung, what in the world spurred this?”

“Minho hyung sung the verse I wrote. About him,” Jisung fretted.

“That’ll do it.”

After a bit of harsh commentary, Seungmin made him leave. Jeongin had gotten the food, tteokbokki for him and gukbap for Seungmin, and their food could wait for no one. Jisung decided he just wanted to relax, so he went back to his dorm. Felix was doing his makeup in the mirror on the closet door.

“Lix?”

“Who- OH! Hanji!” Felix ran over to hug him. “Are you done recording?”

“Well.. I kind of left in the middle of it.”

“Minho?”

“Who else.”

Felix suppressed a smile at the bitter joke and sat them down on the bed. They laid there in comfortable silence, Han curled in the fetal position and Felix hugging him.

*** 💚July 10, 6:06 PM 🩷***

They were changing dorms, and Chan thought it was a good idea to put Minho and Jisung in the same dorm.

During the announcement, Felix and Jisung exchanged worried looks. Jisung started twisting his hair in distress. Later, when he asked Chan about it, the leader told him it would be good for them to make up (he also said make out, but Jisung was too embarrassed to mention it.) Now he was with Felix, worried about the next day, when they would make the final dorm changes.

“Maybe I should just.. Live with you and Chan in your dorm!” Jisung was pacing back and forth while Felix sat cross legged on the bed.

“Hani, you can’t,” the boy reasoned. "Besides, this is the perfect chance to fix the… situation.” Felix reached out a hand to tell Jisung to stop pacing. He didn’t.

“But I can’t face him!”

“You have to, sooner or later,” his voice was gentle, warm summer days and lemonade. 

“I know,” Jisung sighed and stopped pacing, sitting next to Felix.

“Do you want to sleep now Hanji?”

“Yeah.”

*** 💚July 11, 12:14 PM 🩷***

This was it. The moment Jisung would absolutely die of embarrassment. He reached for the handle of his new dorm that he was about to share with Minho. Fuck. What if he makes a fool of himself? His stomach was a mess and he really thought he was going to pass out, purely because of fear. He turned the handle. Fuck. 

The door opened before he could do so himself. Minho was standing there and holy shit, he was gorgeous, with a face that looked carved by the gods themselves. Jisung stepped back in shock, he was so out of Minho’s league and did not think he could survive this encounter.

“Jisungie?”

“I told you not to call me that,” Jisung pushed past Minho, not looking at him, and put his stuff next to his bed.

“Look, Jisung, can I just talk to you?” Minho pleaded.

“No! I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Ple- No. Ok. Fine.”

Jisung tripped over his own foot, falling onto his bed. He flushed bright red, standing and leaning over to unpack his clothes.

“I think we should talk thou-”

Jisung cut him off. “I’m sure you can wait,” he snapped. “Like how you waited a year to break up with me.”

“It’s not like that, really!”

Jisung ignored him, motions violent and jerky as he hung a shirt.

“Jisung please!” Minho’s eyes were red.

“NO! You broke up with me!” Jisung took a step forward, jabbing his finger at Minho. “You can’t just… Take that back.” He sniffed, tears running down his cheeks in rivulets.

“Please…” Minho’s voice was quiet, a pleading whisper.

Jisung fell to his knees and sobbed. He sobbed about his writer's block, he sobbed about having to leave Felix, but most of all, he sobbed about Minho.

Minho hurried over and sat next to Jisung, but Jisung pushed his hand away as he reached out.

“Let me help you,” Minho cried out. Jisung’s throat closed up, breath short.

Minho finally let himself cry as he watched his ex boyfriend sob in front of him.

He was seeing spots and he couldn’t breathe.

“I- Minho-” He choked out, clutching his heart.

“I’m here,” Minho sounded frantic.

Jisung crawled into his lap, seeking comfort, and sat there until his breathing slowed and leveled out.

“I’m sorry, god, Jisungie I’m so so sorry,” Minho sobbed. Jisung sobbed too, curling into Minho’s chest.

“Why Minho,” he gasped. “Why did you actually break up with me? And do not tell me it was because of the fans again.”

“I was scared,” Minho sniffled. “I was scared of messing up. Jisungie, I'm so sorry.”

Jisung threw his arms around Minho and kissed him. Minho grabbed Jisung’s shirt and kissed him back.

He pulled away, “Jisung..” 

“I love you Minho! Don’t do that to me again,” Jisung snapped.

“You love me?”

“Of course I do!”

“I love you too, Jisungie.”

*** 💚December 25, 8:58 PM 🩷***

It was Christmas time, and JYP had finally let them take a vacation together. They were in Greenland, and it was beautiful. Like being in a winter wonderland. That night, they were going to all see the Aurora Borealis. 

Jisung’s mittened hands clutched a hot chocolate, breath visible in the air. He, Felix, and Hyunjin were sitting in a cafe, reflecting on the year.

“Me and Minho hyung-”

“AGHHHH IF MY EARS HEAR HIS NAME ONE MORE TIME-” Hyunjin clutched his ears dramatically and Felix laughed.

Jisung whined, “you’re so mean to me!” He kicked Hyunjin gently under the table. 

“Ok Jisung,” Felix giggled. “Tell us about Minho, then.”

“We went on a date last week,” Jisung breathed in, dragging out what he was about to say.

“Spit it out,” Hyunjin groaned.

“And he wants to adopt a cat with me.” Felix clapped a little, and Hyunjin sighed.

“Is that it?!” Jisung laughed and Felix poked Hyunjin.

“I think it’s cute! They're so perfect for each other,” Felix sighed.

“Well…” Jisung hesitated. “He also said that he was considering coming out to fans.”

“Oh, out my ass,” Hyunjin dismissed. “He’s basically out already. I mean, he has literally said he used to have a crush on a guy.”

“Well it would be official, and the fans would stop making dating rumors. With girls, that is,” Jisung said defensively. He didn’t let on how much the rumors got to him. He shook it off and kept talking.

“Well tell us about you and Chan-hyung,” Jisung teased Felix. “I heard you guys last night…”

“OH MY GOD!” Felix yelled, beet red. 

Hyunjin slapped his knee, laughing so hard he started choking on his croissant. 

“Shut up,” Felix was still crimson.

“Oh… Oh… That’s hilarious…” Hyunjin wheezed.

“But seriously,” Jisung pushed. “How is it?”

“So gay,” Felix sighed dreamily and Hyunjin started choking again.

Jisung started laughing as well, and the lady at the counter glared at them.

“Do you want an award?” Hyunjin was still a little red in the face from his aggressive coughing. “For stating the obvious, that is. Just look at yourself.” Jisung looked at Felix’s clothes. He was wearing a gray gingham skirt, blue tights that looked see-through but actually had fur inside, and a fuzzy gray coat.

“Actually, I want an award for being as queer as I am,” Felix joked.

Jisung ate the last bite of his cheesecake, still laughing.

They walked home together, content and laughing, their life as good as could be.