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If you asked a Gryffindor for a description of Regulus, they probably would’ve said, “Oh, the baby Black.”
If you asked a Slytherin for a description of Regulus, they probably would’ve said, “He’s intimidatingly smart. And the heir to the House of Black.”
If you asked any of Regulus’s friends, like Barty, Evan, or Dorcas, they would’ve said, “He always remembers absolutely everything, and makes sure it comes back to bite you.”
Barty may have added, “He thinks he’s smarter than everyone else, but ain’t no way he’s smarter than me.”
If you asked any seventh-year Gryffindor, specifically one Lily Evans, she would’ve said, “He’s… a little scary but he’s truly a good person.”
Regulus didn’t know yet if he agreed with that description.
And finally, if you asked James Potter, James would’ve said, “Oh, Regulus? That’s my boyfriend.”
Regulus knew all of these descriptions. He wasn’t sure yet if he agreed with all of them. If you asked him to describe himself, he would've just shrugged.
Naturally, James’s was his favorite. When the two of them decided to go public at the end of last year, Regulus’s fifth year, they’d received a ton of backlash. Mostly from rude, conservative older students. It had scared them both a little, but they made sure to own it. Regulus had struggled with that, but James helped him a lot. Now both James and Regulus were okay with announcing it.
And obviously, the Gryffindors were his least favorite. Baby Black? As though he had no more worth than a smaller version of Sirius.
He laughed a little at his friends’ descriptions. He supposed they were true.
Today, Regulus didn’t know how he’d let James drag him to a party. In Gryffindor, no less. James said it would be fun. So far, the best thing Regulus had seen was Barty getting drunk and asking Evan to dance.
He was hearing these descriptions of himself a lot. He almost never went to social gatherings, he stayed in his dorm if there was a party in Slytherin. Further shocking that he was actually here, not even in his own house.
He had only had one drink. He was not drunk.
Which meant he had no excuse for standing outside the Gryffindor girls’ dormitory at four in the morning.
You see, this was the first Gryffindor party Regulus had accepted James’s invitation to. Regulus hadn’t believed James was actually asking him.
When most people said they didn’t believe something, they actually did believe it and were just being dramatic. But Regulus actually didn’t believe James could be his boyfriend.
Why would James pick him, out of all the people in the world? He could have had the pick of anyone in the entire school who liked guys.
Like Lily Evans.
Regulus remembered when he was in fifth year and James was in sixth, and he and Lily were dating. Finally, everyone said, after James tried for so long.
While that was going on, absolutely everyone (including Barty and Evan) thought they were endgame.
And Regulus suddenly started seeing Lily everywhere. In the hallway, in the great hall, all he saw was her bushy red hair.
Lily was so unfairly pretty. Thick red hair, full lips, curves, Regulus was literally gay and could see how beautiful she was.
Regulus had just come to terms with the fact that he would be seeing the James Potter/Lily Evans for the rest of his life when they broke up.
Regulus genuinely thought Barty was joking when he told him. He couldn’t fathom why the Golden Couple of Hogwarts of 1977 would break up for any reason whatsoever.
And after what may have been the worst summer yet (with no Sirius and he was so distracted he only heard about half of what Walburga said, eliciting punishments with no discernible reason), James found Regulus on the Hogwarts Express at the start of the next year. And asked him to be his boyfriend.
Regulus had desperately wanted to laugh in his face. Desperately wanted to laugh that James thought he was gay, laugh that he thought Sirius would be okay with it.
What he actually said was, “Okay,” James beamed and sat with him the whole rest of the train ride.
It only got better throughout the year. James was the sweetest, saved a spot at the Gryffindor table for him, respected it when Regulus said he wanted to sit with the Slytherins, and he came to watch his Quidditch practices. He really was the epitome of the perfect boyfriend.
Every day that went by just made Regulus more nervous. James was going to drop him and go back to Lily, obviously. That just made so much more sense. Nothing Regulus ever had that was good lasted for this long.
Even when Regulus lost his temper and started shouting at James, James never got mad at Regulus. He just let Regulus shout, cry, anything until he tired himself out. Then he hugged Regulus and told him everything was going to be okay.
Regulus was sure James was just storing up the anger at him and one day all of it would let loose and explode.
Anyway, old habits died hard. Regulus still found himself seeing Lily Evans in the halls. Still saw her in the Great Hall. It was like when James and Lily were still dating, when Regulus memorized her whole class schedule so he could see her and maybe James when she got out of class. Literally for no reason. He just... he couldn't really explain it. See if she hadn't died in the three hours since he'd last seen her. See if she was still as perfect as his memory remembered from yesterday. He didn't know. But he still did it.
Regulus still wondered why James chose him over her.
Regulus tried to ask James about Lily quite a lot more than he was proud of. He asked James if he had pictures of Lily over his bed. James said he had, but when they broke up, Sirius stole them. He added that if Regulus had pictures, he’d hang them up over his bed. Regulus stiffened quickly, made some excuse, and walked away. James was lying, obviously.
(Also, when Regulus realized his brother had the pictures of Lily, he sought him out. The brother he never talked to if he could help it. And he demanded those pictures. Sirius, naturally, refused. Regulus hexed him. The two of them got into an impressive shouting match outside the Gryffindor common room, to the puzzlement and entertainment of some viewers, but Regulus did eventually get the photo.)
Regulus stared at the photo just about every day. He watched the photo-Lily twirl around under the beech tree by the lake, in a beautiful dress that he had no idea why she’d brought to Hogwarts. He almost hoped she fell in the lake. But then James would be sad because when he broke up with Regulus, there would be no one for him to go back to.
It was like Regulus wanted to get hurt. He watched her look so happy during the golden ship of James/Lily, and look just as happy after. It didn’t make sense.
He knew James had loved her. And even now, when James told him he loved him, Regulus barely believed it. Surely he was just picturing Lily in his place.
It was also possibly the fact that Lily was just so nice. Regulus had honestly wanted to hate her for years. And he’d managed it by telling himself Lily was a horrible person and hated him too.
Regulus had absolutely no basis for these claims, but he’d convinced himself to the point where he genuinely thought Lily would curse him the first time he came into their common room as James’s boyfriend.
Instead, Lily had come straight up to him and said, “Regulus! I’ve heard so much about you.”
Which naturally made Regulus panic, take two full steps back, and wonder what the hell James had been telling Lily about him.
Maybe he’d said kissing Lily was better than Regulus. Maybe he’d told her all the reasons Regulus had cried to James. Maybe he’d spilled the secrets Regulus had trusted James to keep.
After that, Regulus desperately wanted to tell James never to talk to Lily again. He was afraid James would fall back in love with her, if he wasn't already. But he couldn’t do that to James, because Lily was James’s actual friend. And if Regulus forced James to be alienated from one of his friends that Regulus barely knew, Regulus would be labelled as controlling.
Regulus bet anything Lily was friends with all of James’s friends. James was friends with Evan and Barty, they’d gotten along great when James sat with Regulus and they were around. Regulus was too scared to try and talk to Sirius, and Peter and Remus intimidated him.
And at this stupid, stupid Gryffindor party Regulus had been subject to, all Regulus saw was Lily. James stood next to him so Regulus didn’t get too overwhelmed, draping an arm over his shoulders. Lily was over by the drinks table. James went to get Regulus a drink (conveniently exactly where Lily was?). Then Lily and Sirius were singing Bowie together. It was bad. For Regulus. Lily and Sirius looked absolutely delighted with themselves.
And now it was 4am. Literally everyone had gone to sleep by now. But Regulus had figured out how to bypass the wards around the girls dormitories and was trying to work up the courage to knock.
You see, Regulus desperately needed to know just what it was about Lily that James loved. James had loved Lily more than him, he was sure of that.
So he needed to know why. He needed to assess the likelihood of James getting back together with Lily (very likely), Regulus doing better to be more like Lily (if he tried hard), or James not loving him at all (unlikely but really one never knows).
He raised a hand to knock on the door and hesitated. All the girls were asleep. Probably.
Regulus knocked softly.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, when it felt like lava had been curled into ropes and was twisting in his stomach, he concluded they just hadn’t heard him.
Normally he would have given up and left by now. But he really really wanted to talk to Lily. He wasn’t going to be able to sleep until he found out just what it was that he was doing wrong.
He knocked again, a little bit harder.
This time, Mary Macdonald opened the door.
Regulus had spoken to Mary a grand total of once. When James asked Regulus to sit at the Gryffindor table one day. It was one of the most terrifying things Regulus had done. That girl was a force of nature if Regulus had ever seen one.
Mary wasn’t mean, exactly, but Regulus knew she was the one who’d started the ‘baby Black’ thing.
But she definitely looked less scary with her hair in rollers and pink pajamas.
Regulus regretted thinking that as soon as he spoke.
“Baby Black. It’s four in the morning. What do you want.”
Regulus shrank back against the wall, feeling her personality like lightning, making the hairs on his arm stand on end. “I… um – I – is Lily there?” he tried.
Mary stared at him, but ducked back into the dorm. A minute later, Lily appeared, blinking tiredly. Her red hair was sticking up in all directions. Her expression softened when she saw Regulus.
“Hi, Regulus, is everything okay? Do you need something?” she said, of course willing to help him of all people.
Regulus started to shake his head, then thought better of it and nodded.
Lily stepped outside the dorm and quietly shut the door behind her. Her and Regulus were exactly the same height, he noted with some annoyance.
Okay, now he had Lily’s attention. What was he supposed to do now? All he needed to know was why James loved her, what Regulus was doing wrong, why she was so okay after the breakup, if she knew the impact she’d had on Regulus for years, if she ever hated Regulus, why she hated James and then dated him anyway, the list went on for a while. Regulus’s insomniac thoughts.
Where did he start?
Lily seemed to be able to tell Regulus was struggling. She led the way down the stairs to the empty common room, and Regulus followed, grateful not to have to stare at her beautiful face and wonder if James liked kissing her better than him.
Lily was only in her dressing gown. Regulus was still in his school uniform, slightly wrinkled from the heat and the people at the party.
Lily said, “Regulus, do you want to go for a walk?”
Regulus said, “I need – I need to talk to you.”
Lily smiled softly. “How about we walk and talk, okay?”
How did Lily not think this was strange? How could Lily even look at Regulus, knowing that he was dating her ex-boyfriend? How was Lily not even mad that he’d woken her up at 4am to ‘talk’?
Lily pushed open the portrait hole, held it open for Regulus, and Regulus trailed behind her, still trying to find a way to start this conversation.
Finally, Regulus couldn’t take the silence. He was composing a whole script in his head, but he kept getting distracted wondering what Lily thought of him just walking along in silence like this.
So he blurted out, “You know I know your blood type?”
Lily, to her credit, only looked slightly shocked. “Why do you know that?” she asked carefully.
Regulus felt weirdly proud that he’d managed to throw the great Lily Evans for a loop. “James told me you broke your arm when you were younger.”
Lily nodded, a little bit of recognition flickering in her eyes.
“You went to the hospital in Spinner’s End. They had your hospital records. It was your first time, so they got all your information on file.”
Lily was silent, so Regulus took that as a cue to continue. They were on the second floor now, Regulus still following Lily.
“I obtained a copy of your records. They had everything on you. Blood type, which is O-negative, birthdate, which is January 30, your age… every conceivable bit of information.”
Regulus took a breath. “Muggle technology is so easy to get into with magic. Two spells and I was in.”
Lily finally spoke. She didn’t seem horrified, just intrigued. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you do it?”
*Regulus almost hit himself. Right. That’s what she meant. He gritted his teeth. He wasn’t mad at Lily right now, at least not any more than he usually was. This was just bringing up one of the worst, most obsessive times of his life. “I wanted to know what you had that I didn’t. I put you on a pedestal. I watched you everywhere, I memorized your schedule, what you ate at meals, everything. You were top of everything academic and social. First in the class, could’ve had your pick of anyone to date. You seem to have the perfect combination of genes to get you anywhere, get you anyone you want.”
Lily almost spoke, but Regulus had to finish, so he cut her off. “Me, on the other hand? I’m from the supremely fucked up House of Black. Nothing has ever gone right for me once in my entire life. My brother who I idolized abandoned me. My two best friends have pushed me aside to be with each other. My other best friend ran off with someone in Gryffindor. And my long-time crush dated you.”
Regulus stopped walking and faced Lily. “So when James asked me to date him, I thought it was a joke. Why would the golden boy of Hogwarts, shoo-in for Quidditch captain and Head Boy, want anything to do with me? My entire life is destined to crash and burn, I’m probably going to die in the most embarrassing way possible and be forgotten immediately. I didn’t believe James loved me, I didn’t even think he liked me. Why would he? I’m not nice, too shy, nothing like my brother who he seems to share a soul with. Why me? The only thing I could think of was that he’s using me to get back together with you. Is he? You of all people should know.” Seeing Lily’s expression growing more and more concerned, he added, ”It’s fine, it doesn’t matter. Tell me.”
Lily started walking again slowly, as though Regulus was a spooked cat and she was trying to get it calm again. “Doesn’t matter? Regulus… these are your feelings. I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I promise you, James only wants you. Our breakup was real, and it was completely mutual.”
Regulus shook his head. “How could you possibly know James only wants me? As far as I saw, he only wanted you for as long as I can remember.” he snapped.
Lily pushed open the huge double doors at the front of the school. A blast of chilly air hit them. Lily seemed completely unfazed, even in her dressing gown, and led Regulus down to the greenhouses. “I know because it was one of the main reasons for our breakup.”
Regulus shook his head jerkily. “No, that’s - that’s not true.” Was she saying he was one of the main reasons the golden couple broke up? Did she blame him? What did she mean?
Lily smiled, leading him around Greenhouse 3. “I promise you, Regulus, James is gay. He wanted the ideal of me so we could be the perfect couple. But I don’t think he realized it wasn’t me he loved either.”
Regulus’s realization dawned on his face. “It was me? James broke up with you because of me? I thought he broke up with you and then I was his second choice.”
Lily beamed. She seemed to be getting more and more elated the closer they got to the entrance of the greenhouse. “Now you’re getting it. So can you guess why it was mutual?”
Regulus jumped back. “You like me too?”
Lily had the grace to look horrified at that. “Merlin, no! I had someone else I loved too.”
Regulus sighed in relief. “Then why did you date James at all?” he asked.
“I also fell into that trap. I couldn’t resist being the golden couple, the one everyone talks about and wishes they could be. But all that glitters is not gold, Regulus.”
Regulus had never heard that before. Lily continued, “I wasn’t the love of James’s life, you are. That’s truly special. Hold on to it and believe it.”
“I’ll try,” whispered Regulus.
Lily stopped at the entrance of the greenhouse and knocked. Regulus stared. “It’s five in the morning!” he protested. “Who’s going to be up?”
Lily grinned. “She sleeps in here sometimes, and gets up very early.”
Regulus’s jaw dropped. “She?”
Lily laughed, a bright sound like a stream over rocks. “You didn’t think you were the only queer couple at Hogwarts, did you?”
Regulus was about to respond, but then the door opened.
“Pandora?”