Chapter Text
"This..."
The newly promoted captain Ivan Vorpatril grunted as he looked up at the scowling pink haired girl before him.
"Must be related to one of Miles's weird messes. Got to be. And somehow he managed to drag me into one of his latest escapades. Or the Cetas nabbed me and this is some weird new interrogation technique. Or a weird prison, like Dagoola IV.
Or I am suffering from some idiosyncratic reaction to Fast Penta or some other drug they decided to dose me with.In any case,it is not my fault."
He muttered under his breath dryly as the angry girl conversed with some bald guy with glasses, a big stick and a robe which made him look like some wizard from a bad juvie fantasy holovid.
It took a moment for his hazy mind to register what they were saying and that the language they were saying it in was some bastardized, archaic sounding version of French.
Or was the Barrayaran French actually a bastardized version of whatever they were speaking, it was a bit hard for Ivan to think straight with his head still spinning and his body hurting from the whatever it was that had happened before he found himself here.
Something about familiars and commoners and a ritual. He tried to listen carefully while hiding his fluency and staying silent, making sure to attract as little attention as was possible given the circumstances. Even if being referred to as commoner ruffled the feathers of his Vorish pride.
The last thing he remembered before finding himself here was strolling down the street towards one of Ops's favorite hole in the wall Greekie taverns, where he was going to toast his brand new promotion with a few close friends, the brand new captain's pins on his collar still figuratively burning his neck.
Absent minded and giddy as he was, he'd still managed to notice the huge spinning green vortex right in front of him. Like any reasonable person in the same situation, he had stopped dead in his tracks. Then he had slowly backed away as he reached for his personal comm and his fancy new stunner, idly noticing that he was the only person who saw the bloody thing given the other bystanders reactions, or lack thereof.
Only for the damned thing to move towards him in a flash and sweep him away.
He only remembered floating through darkness after, interrupted by the sound of a loud explosion, then the choking smell of smoke.
And the painful sensation of his ass hitting the scorched grassy ground beneath.
The smoke around him clearing rapidly to reveal a scowling pink haired girl dressed like she couldn't decide if she wanted to go dressed up as a schoolgirl or as a witch to some costume party pointing a stick in his face.
"Ok, who put you up to this, Miles? He is off world! Byerly
Vorrutier? I didn't tell him that I got promoted, or maybe it was somebody from Ops. Or..."
He trailed off as he inspected his surroundings out of the corners of his eyes.
"Did Gregor have a hand in all of this?"
He asked, his bemused tone steadily becoming more flat and desperate as he saw dragons, gigantic lizards and moles and something that looked like a huge flying eye.
Maybe, he thought, this is some new fantasy themed park I haven't heard of and somebody had dosed me with something before they took me here.
Yes, he told himself, the portal must have been a hallucination brought upon by whatever had been slipped to him. And this place was one huge practical joke, one made in extremely bad taste.
"You should be very grateful, it is not like a commoner like you gets to do this…"
The presumptuous Pinky said haughtily as she leaned closer.
Before he could complain the sour faced girl pressed her lips against his own, then pulled back as quickly and abruptly as it had started.
"I mean..."
But whatever he was going to say next got replaced with a pained grunt as he felt one of his hands burning.
As kisses went, and quite a few had went for Ivan, this one was too short and impersonal to be any fun.
He contemplated responding to the angry Pinky in french, before his attention was diverted to the searing pain coming from his palm.
"Those are the Familiar Runes engraving themselves."
Pinky, or Louise de la Valliere, said with flat, superior indifference.
Ivan barely contained his desire to spit a few choice swear words in French at the situation while the pattern burned itself in his flesh, wondering for a moment if some type of maser or delayed ignition chemical was to blame while he contemplated whatever was going on.
Part of him wanted to scream at them to stop the charade, but this was way too complex to be a simple prank, imperial interference or not.
"Very well, Ms. Valliere, you failed summon servant three times, but succeeded in bind servant immediately."
The bald guy, a teacher of some sort by the looks and sounds of it, had said with a decidedly unamused tone, the both of them rather pointedly ignoring Ivan.
"Yeah, this is probably the latest weird Cetagandan trick.Stick people in some two bit fantasy holovid to make them go nuts and break faster."
Ivan muttered as he got back on his feet abruptly and proceeded to brush off the dust and soot from his uniform.He cut an imposing figure in his dress greens and he knew it, for somebody pint sized like the Pinky his almost six foot tall, military training hardened frame should be quite intimidating.
And he was going to bank on that.
"Look, this has gone far enough! You can tell Miles to stop hiding and we can end this charade. Don't get me erong, you are quite the actres.But I'd rather toast my promotion to captain than play some weird fantasy themed Time of Isolation reenactment. And you can also tell me how to get this."
He pointed to his marked hand as his flat tone turned more hostile.
"Off! Don't you think that permanent physical damage is a bit much?
Or maybe this is some Ceta trick, in which case congratulations. You have officially surpassed ghem lord Yennaro in the bad jokes department."
He said indignantly as his eyes strayed to the blue dragon nearby.
"Nice lizard. Does it talk or play fetch? And let me guess, it has a bunch of antigrev generators implanted inside of it. Was it the runner up to the Eta Ceta Botanical Exhibit?"
He asked mockingly in his best Barrayaran French as he looked at Tabitha's dragon with a critical eye, wondering if it was some type of robot, a clever application of hardlight or just a genengineered monstrosity.
He certainly thought it was way cooler than those damned cat trees, but he was sure that it wouldn't fit into the Ceta criteria for aesthetics.
" Shut up, shut up shut up!"
Louise hissed in near panic while her body trembled slightly, leveling a piece of wood at him and saying something he couldn't quite understand before a small explosions engulfed him and covered his face in soot.
" Ah, fuck!"
He shouted, hand going instinctively to his stunner and drawing and pointing it at Pinky, at Louise's, face.
"My, my. Zero, you've certainly summoned an interesting familiar, and he looks quite dashing, too. Or maybe you hired him to act as your familiar."
A honeyed voice tinged with mockery that Ivan found quite sexy suddenly drew his attention from the scowling Pinky. Only for his eyes to fall upon a rather voluptuous caramel skinned girl with fiery res hair and a lovely set of chest pillows.
Whatever Pinky's explosion had done he could understand the people around him clearly, their speech no longer sounding like some awful dialect of French.
"Huh, that is weird?"
He said as he looked from Red to Pinky and back, noticing that a few of the other costume party attendees were either pointing their magical sticks in his general direction or their itchy fingers were hovering close to whatever passed for stick holsters. What was even stranger is that the stunner felt like it fit into his palm as if it was a custom job and not a regular, service issue mass produced model, and that he could almost sense the charges inside and the longevity of the power pack.
" Ok, I guess we started off on the wrong foot."
Ivan said as he took a few steps back before he slowly lowered and holstered his stunner.The new synergy with his weapon temporarily brushed off.
"My name is Ivan, Ivan Vorpatril."
He said in his most charming voice as he swept his audience with his eyes.
"Captain Lord Ivan Vorpatril of the Barrayaran Imperial Service."
He said a moment later as he turned his head abruptly and focused his eyes laser like upon Pinky while he did his best to channel every single Academy drill sergeant that had ever faced down a batch of hapless recruits.Just like he'd once been.
"And who are you supposed to be?"
He took a bit of perverse pleasure as his booming declaration made her squirm, her discomfort doubtlessly enhanced by his towering frame casting a shadow over her.
To his surprise whatever she had done with that explosion now let her understand him as if he was speaking in her native language.
" l..."
Her voice came out shaky for a moment before she puffed up her chest and looked him square in the eyes.
" I am Louise Francois le Blank de la Valliere.I am the third daughter of Duke and Duchess De la Valliere."
To her credit she did not flinch, but stood ramrod straight.
"I have summoned you as my familiar, those runes are proof of that. Normally a familiar would be some type of animal, perhaps a griffin or a dragon. It is, it is unheard of fie a human, let along a noble to be summoned."
Her voice became a bit shaky again, but it was not fear or intimidation, but rather frustration. And, was thet guilt he was herself .
Ivan sighed and shook his head, suppressing the urge to reach out and give her a pat on the head. The parallels between her behavior and a certain someone he knew making him crack a subtle smile.
"But, why are you carrying some strange pistol and where is your wand?"
Pinky's eyes narrowed accusatory at him, meeting his perplexed gaze.
"Wand? Why would I need a wand?"
He asked, eyebrows furrowing in surprise.
"Then, then how are you a lord if you don't posses magic?"
She asked angrily, visibly cooling off, or heating up depending on one's interpretation.
"Ah, Louise the zero strikes again. A mage that is not a mage summons a noble that is not a noble."
Another one of the gawking bystanders, this time a flamboyant pretty-boy that reminded him of Byerly Vorrutyer, decided to intrude on his staring match with Pinky, only for the flirtatious voice of the redhead from before to interject.
"One does not need to be a mage to be a noble, Guiche-dear. In my native Germania, titles and fiefdoms can be purchased with gold."
She trailed off as she turned her smug smile towards Ivan.
"Or they can be purchased with blood. I'd assume that is how our dear Zero's familiar got his..."
While tinged with sarcasm, either for Blondie or Pinky's benefit, the question was definitely aimed at him, as was her lusty stare, to which he responded with a sharp grin. "Why couldn't she have been the one to summon him."
Ivan asked himself wordlessly before he responded to her and Pinky's queries.
"Vor is a hereditary military caste, rather than a purely noble one. As to magic. Well, where I come from such a thing does not exist. It is considered a fairy tale, like Baba Yaga. We don't have dragons and we can't just blow stuff up by piece of wood at it. Instead we have technology, machines to till the soil, horseless carriages to move people and goods around. We even have metal ships that can fly to the stars and vaporize entire cities in a single shot."
He stated calmly, making Louise, Red and a few of what he assumed were their classmates go wide eyed in surprise.
"Preposterous, how can a world function without...."
"Fascinating!"
The blonde drama queen that had reminded Ivan of Byerly had tried to interject, only for whatever he was about to say to be cut show by an excited exclamation the balding teacher that looked to be the one running this entire show.
"Everyone, I understand that ms. de la Valliere's new familiar is quite out of the ordinary, however I see no reason why that should interfere with your own responsibilities to your newly summoned familiars. Class adjourned!"
The guy said with some extraauthority in his voice, then turned towards Ivan after the majority of the students had scattered, with some of them actually taking to the skies.
"Lord Forpatril, I would be delighted to hear more about these machines of yours. How do these machines work exactly?
But where are my manners, permit me to introduce myself! I am Jean Colbert, my specialty is fire magic.
I am an instructor here at the Tristain magical academy."
The bespectacled balding guy who Ivan assumed was this class's teacher moved in closer, overly eager to shake his hand.
'Given that this guy is a fire warlock or whatever, and an obvious nerd he must be interested in things like smithing and various forms of artifice, considering that fire was the first ever technology humanity managed to master. At least that is what Ivan though the first technology had been. The assumption was based on something that he recalled from a campfire conversation with Miles when they were twelve or thirteen.And when Ivan had been slightly drunk on Maple Mead.'
Ivan thought as he shook Mr. Colbert's hand, mirroring the teacher's enthusiasm.
"Well, most technology in the Nexus is powered by electricity. Stuff like anti-grav, fusion thrusters and jump drives. You know when you use force fields and lasers to apply massive pressure to ans hear up hydrogen or some other light element like helium or lithium to what it up which produces lots of energy..."
Ivan trailed off as he saw his explanation drew a blank. The man was more than eager to hear about advanced Galactic tech, it is just that he lacked a frame of reference about anything Ivan was talking about.
Before that people used fission of various heavy elements to heat up large amounts of water and drive steam turbines. Er, those could be described as a combination of windmill and water wheel I guess, to generate power. Mostly electrical, but mechanical, too."
He drew another blank when he mentioned heavy elements and fission, but Colbert started nodding when he heard about turbines.
"Before that, well, we used fossil fuels, like gas, oil, coal, wood in some cases."
Finally, he saw more of a spark of understanding in Colbert's eyes continues.
"With oil it was mixed up with an oxidizer, usually air, and injected into a piston, then ignited, this would create a small directed explosion driving a piston upwards and turning a crank shaft which would then produce a spinning motion.
Normally these cylinders worked in kinds of pairs I'd I don't miss my guess. I think coal was used before that to heat up water and turn it into steam which drove either pistons or turbines."
Ivan said with a conciliatory smile.
"But those technologies were mostly made irrelevant thousands of years ago, back on old Earth. A few steam locomotives and rail tracks were laid down on Barrayar towards the end of the Time of Isolation, but they didn't get much use, not when there were reliable, cheap options like fusion and fission."
Now, the guy was eating out of his hand like a puppy, and at least in Ivan's opinion treating every word like some type revelation. Although the lack of a reaction at the mention of Old Earth definitely surprised Ivan.
"So, did you lose all of your technology when you were stranded here or something? What was it? Wormhole collapse? Same happened to Barrayar. Or did your colony ship crash land here? Or were you some reclusive group that wanted to get away from modern technology?"
Yet again Ivan drew a blank.
"You know, there are more worlds out there, that the stars in the sky have planets around them, that ,any of them are habitable."
Ivan asked in a subdued voice, and got a little nod from Colbert in return.
"Yes, the round shape of our world is well known, as is the fact that it revolves around the sun. As to the stars in the sky, well, there have been some theories about their nature, but for them to be suns. And you say you come from a planet that travels around such a star?"
Ivan nodded as he saw a certain blonde brat approach out of the corner of his eye, so he pulled out his personal handled compliance and activated it.Time to use the heavy artillery and shut that annoying brat up.
Louise, Red and Colbert all gasped in surprise as a complex whirlwind, or perhaps a starfish, made out of lights came to life in front of them.
"This is the Milky Way, it is our galaxy, and it contains hundreds of billions of stars."
The image zoomed in on one of the spindly arms of this galaxy and lines of what Colbert assumed must be text appeared over it with a large red dot marking a location at its very tip.
"This is Old Earth, the place where humanity came from and these."
Blue lines began to spread out from the first marker.
"Are the jump routes between planets."
Ivan explained as more markers appeared at the end of the first routes, then more routes sprouted out of those like the branches or the roots of a tree. With name such as Beta, Illyrica, Tau Ceti, Komarr and Barrayar began popping up.
He felt quite happy with himself for splurging out on the fanciest and most feature rich personal comms unit with the longest lived power cell that he could find for his last birthday.
What were a few thousand extra imperial marks compared to the priceless sight of Blondie and Pinky's awe struck faces.