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Nol wasn’t known for being the best at making decisions.
Always rushed, never right. No one has ever told him he had done a good job.
Every backhanded comment of praise had its own warning, its own poisoned words of wisdom.
That can be too much, Nol.
Careful with that, Nol.
Not now, Nol.
Could’ve been better, Nol.
Shouldn’t have done that, Nol.
So when he found himself, mildly drunk, hiding behind some backyard wall in the middle of the night, snow falling over him and all that neighborhood he wasn’t familiar with, listening to conversations between other two people, neither of those being him, Nol couldn’t say he was entirely surprised.
It was just like him.
At the end of the day, he had passed out somewhere in that godawful party to wake up in the back of a car he didn’t recall riding in, a bunch of people he sort of knew discussing where to dump him for the night, with only a bible and a handwritten note from his mother for company.
She would’ve said eavesdropping was a bad, bad habit. But what could anyone do about it? Christmas was around the corner and he was going to jail anyway. He couldn’t disappoint her any further.
So, Nol listened.
He evened his breath as best as he could and tried to disappear from prying eyes, so he could just pay attention. To her.
She sounded sad.
That wasn’t rare. People often sounded like that while talking about him.
But that wasn’t all there was in her tone.
He followed the ups and downs with attentive ears, tones of careful restraint, the quiet way in which she knew something he didn’t, kind of like how he sounded—he thinks—not too long ago, while soaking wet in front of his school. But more subdued. Kinder.
“He was like a ray of sunshine,” he heard her say.
And just like that, her voice registered. Loud and clear.
Meant for him to hear, his mind betrayed.
Wasn’t that haunting?
Suddenly, he was having trouble breathing again, all those exercises his Nana had oh so carefully taught him when his chest felt too tight, forgotten on a whim.
Shin-Ae’s view of the world—and Shin-Ae herself, if he was being honest—tended to surprise him. At times, because they agreed all too quickly in a self-deprecating way they thought the other didn’t deserve, finding common ground where no one had ever dared to put foot on before. It was comforting in its own twisted way.
But in times like this, when she offered insight so distant from what his brain could think up, he was left… lost.
A ray of sunshine.
What a far-fetched thought.
He kept listening anyway.
Even though his awful job at sheltering was making him shiver a bit.
And then, because it was just his luck, he felt the way a sneeze built its way quickly all up to his nose.
Staying true to Nol’s fashion, he was probably catching a cold the very day before they were locking him up.
“I would always get annoyed by his smile.” He snorted—and tried to push back the snot that came out with it, but failed miserably—because that was more like her. “I always wanted to smack it off his face.”
Silly girl. Making it sound like she had never done it.
The ‘annoying smile’ sneaked its way up to his lips in an uncomfortable stretch he hadn’t tried in a while.
Her voice followed quickly after.
He was starving for it.
“Because I couldn’t smile myself,” Shin-Ae added then, plainly.
As fast as the ‘annoying smile’ rose, it fell from his face.
That he had noticed back when they met. And the days after, when they kept bumping into each other and transforming their lives in the stealthy way a blossoming, meaningful friendship does to lost people.
Nol recognized the patterns. The shield, the cold stare and sharp responses. It was a mirror of the self he had hid underneath a haircut and a red coat.
Hearing her voicing it out for him to catch in the winds… it tore him a bit more open.
Nol sent a curse to the month of December and all it brought with it every winter.
He really wanted to… go to her, hug her.
Tell her that all would be okay.
Even if he won’t believe it himself.
Snowflakes kept falling gently, they were getting away. The streetlights lengthened their shadows and if Nol were to feel a little braver, he could’ve reached them with his fingertips.
With a sudden surge of energy, he pulled himself up over the benches parked at the sidewalk. His legs protested, after staying cramped for a tad too long. A small price to pay to follow her words.
Hiding behind a wall, he kept an eye on her and let himself feel the air that carried her voice back to him.
“I wonder… if me being out of his life… would he accept that what we had was real?” she asked earnestly.
That made him stall on his step.
Wasn’t that something?
What we had.
Many things came crashing down right at that moment.
The night turned a little less cold and as he felt naked and all too seen, a muttered curse broke its way out when the faint warmth inevitably reached his ears. Even so, well underneath rosy cheeks, the heavy reality of emptiness cracked him in half.
Because, as oddly romantic as Shin-Ae could sometimes awkwardly sound when phrasing her feelings, there was a tint of finality he hadn’t wrapped his life over. He had tried to convince himself—hell, he had convinced her, it seemed—and failed time and time again.
Words kept flowing, filling every crevasse, every rift her will could fit in.
The way she spoke… she was tearing her heart open for him to steal whatever he deemed worthy of. Didn’t she know he was greedy and worthy of nothing? A true pirate, a burglar built in insolence and despair.
How could she know? As far as she knew, he wasn’t even there.
She was wishing for him to be with her. Right there. He could step out of his hideaway and make it up to her.
Could he make it up to her?
A big impact in the way she approaches life, she said? Him?
Nol was cold, dizzy and confused. Every statement came wrapped in certainty and he couldn’t find it in himself to keep pushing against her. When his brain went back online again, he found himself walking straight towards them.
So he did the obvious.
He found shelter. And hid.
For the record, he had not been proud of the way he chickened out.
She was just… so close.
It scared him shitless.
He turned around clumsily and prayed to a god he didn’t believe in to not be heard… just another while.
“If he were here right now...”
I am, he thought, from behind a closer wall.
“I would smile for him like he did for me...”
Hadn’t she done that already? Why would he deserve it now? They were even.
“While giving him a great big hug… So he knows someone cares.”
Nol was aching. The realization took him by surprise.
His mother would’ve told him to follow his heart. Even if jagged and beaten up, to do what he felt right.
And, contrary to popular belief, that he knew a bit about. Because when a barren cold heart felt, one could always tell.
Unfamiliar but not at all foreign. Just… long forgotten, stored away to reach when in need.
In the last hours of his birthday, Nol hit the glass with the hammer.
‘Break in case of emergency’, it said.
It was now or never.
None of that mattered anymore, not his doubts or his ill-timed self-sacrificing complex. She was right there, saying all those things about him and he had been enough of an idiot to try to push her away.
He was going to jail and she was offering him a hug.
Muffled by fresh snow, the stomping didn’t betray all that much as his panting did a bit later, when he was close enough and the short run in a difficult landscape proved itself more challenging than expected.
“Do I still get a hug?” he barely managed to speak out, catching his breath.
His voice came out weird and for a second. Shin-Ae just stood there, unmoving, and Nol knew for sure he had fucked it all up again.
Then, she turned around.
One look was enough to tell she was pissed.
Really, royaly pissed.
And rightfully so.
Her friend, though, was quick to put himself between the two of them. Smart. He wouldn’t want someone valuable near himself any good day.
“Okay, no. Who are you?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.
Nol tried to open his mouth, but Shin-Ae beat him to it. “Yeon-Gi,” she paused, never breaking eye contact with him. “That’s Yeon-Gi.”
The guy let his arms fall by his sides, his expression cleared.
“Oh, I remember you!”
Weird. Nol didn’t, he thought he would remember any of Shin-Ae’s friends. Anything about her.
Her attention thought, turned swiftly to her left. “You remember him?”
“I mean, from a—from a picture!”
Oh. Nol’s eyebrows went up without his permission.
She squinted her eyes. “I haven’t shown you any.”
Oooh. Now this was… amusing. He was sure he was making that face she had punched him over a couple of times.
“But—Dieter?” The guy’s voice disappeared by the end.
Oh, boy, he was so dead. Nol would attend the funeral, for respect as a last witness.
“Is this from that one time you guys followed me to work?”
Lighthearted fun. That was it. Even in her precious presence, he found himself missing his friends dearly. There was a silly story there and he had missed it, no one had told him—he hadn’t let them—and he was dying to know now.
“No?”
His lips were frozen with the pressure Nol was putting on them to keep himself from laughing.
His shoulders were shaking, though.
“You. Stop it!” Shin-Ae pointed at him now, a little storm brewing behind her eyes.
Busted.
Well, he laughed a bit and raised his hands in surrender until some spirit overtook him and like a man possessed he opened his arms slightly.
The moment Shin-Ae finished his friend—Min-Hyuk, now Nol was sure that was him—she was ending him next.
At first she made a scrunched face, a little lost, a bit weirded out, probably. They didn’t do hugs, not really. She then shook her head, still weirded out.
Nol followed the way her mouth opened, a puff of a breath clouding in front of her.
“You are an idiot.” She closed her mouth again, flustered.
For a moment nothing happened. He caught from the corner of his eye the way Min-Hyuk stuffed his hands in his pockets. Shin-Ae kept staring at him as his hands fell slowly to her side. She tried to speak once, twice.
Nol wouldn’t dare. He knew the moment he opened his mouth something dumb would come out and it all would be over.
So he waited.
Tilted his head to the left just this bit.
Wiggled his fingers a little, dumbly.
And when she launched herself at him, she almost tackled them both to the ground.
Good thing she was still as tiny as a firefly.
On instinct, his left hand catched her head and burrowed itself in her hair, triggering a memory that haunted him more often than he would like to admit.
Her hands clutched his jacket tightly as he secured his free arm around her waist, leaning down, seeking contact wherever he could.
“The hug. Of course you get to have it,” she muttered at last.
Nol sunk into the embrace with a loud sigh, letting his hand run freely, detangling Shin-Ae’s hair with care and relieving into the feeling of both her hands splayed open over his back, just a speck more relaxed now.
“You are right, you know? I am.” Nol couldn’t find it in himself to depart from her arms just yet as he murmured into her ear.
“What are you talking about?”
The sweet, sweet sound of her voice, finally close to him, muffled by the shoulder of his jacket.
“An idiot. I am an idiot.”
He let his chin fall gently on top of her head, thriving in the contact. Slowly, in a tentative caress, his cheek took its place, putting a small pressure.
As he melted into her, eyes closed, he felt a hand travel from his back to his neck, fingers nestling safely in his nape, where the shortest strands poked out. He let another sigh and the other hand in his back left its spot shortly.
It went to his heart and for a moment he wondered if she could hear its quickened pulse.
God, he hoped not.
Holding his breath, he waited once more.
And of course, because he would’ve been damned if he ever wanted it—her—in any other way, Shin-Ae punched him in the chest.
It was too light to mean harm, but Nol felt it all the same. Her anger. Her pain.
“You hit like a shoe sized puppy.” His voice tried for amusing and landed two towns over sad-and-wet-kitten.
She kicked him in the shin then and that took him by surprise.
“Hey! That was—why?” he squealed in the most undignified way, parting from the hug—not too far—to look her in the eye.
“Because you are an idiot!” she shouted at him, hitting him again for good measure.
Nol dropped his arms.
King and queen of deflection.
At least they matched each other evenly.
A mock of a consolation prize.
“Okay,” he shrugged at last. “I deserved that,” he added softly.
She let her head fall once more in his chest and just nodded.
Nol’s heart was—not running—sprinting a goddamn marathon. And winning at it.
He lifted his hands and found out promptly that he had not a clue of what to do with them now. Was he allowed to hug her again? Was that friendly territory? Were they in friendly territory?
“Thank you. For coming back.” She interrupted his trainwreck of thoughts.
Thank you.
For coming back.
How?
Coming back.
Selfishly, he was ruining her life.
At that moment, Shin-Ae squeezed him tighter.
“You’re about to do something stupid.”
“No.” Nol lied.
“It’s okay,” she dismissed his answer. “I won’t let you.”
Behind his back, Nol felt how she clasped her hands together.
They both knew it was a silly idea. Nol didn’t need to force his way out with much force.
But he wouldn’t dare to hurt her.
And she knew that too.
With a delicacy he wasn’t aware he possessed, his arms went to circle her shoulders and stayed there, sheltering her from the cold.
“I’m sorry.” he tried again.
“You already said that,” she answered lightly.
“You matter.”
“And you do too.”
After that, she stayed.
They stayed.
It could’ve been just a minute, a second too short when Shin-Ae patted his chest once, leaning away.
“Okay so,” she cleared her throat. “There's that.”
She was red in the face.
He snorted, he just couldn’t help it.
Shin-Ae shoved his shoulder with no real force.
She giggled. He couldn’t stop smiling if he tried.
“I missed you.” It came out less light than he intended.
She grinned. “Serves you right for dumping all of us at the curve.”
Nol couldn’t say he wasn’t weirdly conscious of Min-Hyuk watching them both like a hawk, analysing him particularly. He had an idea of what he was thinking, questioning, judging. How close they were, if the closeness he was being a witness of was a parallel of his own with her, gauging their reactions at lingering touches.
Nol couldn’t say he didn’t care.
But damn.
He was going to jail.
There was not much time for him and he had a lot to apologize for.
There was no use now for all that speech he had built over the past years. If he got too close to the sun, he would burn. But why wasn’t he allowed to feel at least a little bit warm?
Maybe he didn’t believe that he could provide that warmth. But some people did.
Shin-Ae did.
She broke the glass.
A ray of sunshine.
In the middle of a winter night, he basked in the sun.
“So, shall we go in now? It’s freezing and you promised me a party.”
“What party?” Min-Hyuk asked, frowning.
If looks could kill, Shin-Ae would be a successful murderer with Nol as his first known victim.
“Right, what party?” she tried to mend it, sounding slightly maniac. “There’s no such party.”
“Sure, there’s not.” Better to agree quickly.
“Come on, we are all getting sick out here.” She pushed the two of them from behind, a hand on each back, forcing them to walk ahead of her. “You can beg for forgiveness somewhere warmer.”
A divert tactic, that he knew how to work with. He looked at her, behind his shoulder.
“Oh, so I still need to grovel? I thought you said it was enough.”
“Well, there’s still plenty of people you need to talk to.” She fell into step between him and Min-hyuk. “And Kousuke is looking for you? He said you came here together.”
Just great. “Can’t we just ditch ‘em?”
Shin-Ae gave him a look.
“Is it safe to ditch them tho’? I mean, I’m sure they won’t put that much of a fight and you are kinda big, man, for sure you can kick ass but aren’t they super rich? What if we end up in jail or something.”
“Well, I am going to jail tomorrow,” he shrugged it off with one shoulder.
Shin-Ae took it as permission to smack him in the nape.
“Shut up.”
“Damn, I forgot about that!” Min-hyuk eyed him suspiciously.
Nol dragged his feet through the snow. “So can we ditch them? Can we? Please.”
“No shade man, but why are we bringing a convict into my house? Mom’s gonna kill me.”
That earned Min-Hyuk his own hit of the side.
“Don’t say it like that!”
Nol barked a laugh. A genuine one.
They walked to the house.
It looked like the lights were on and the muffled sound of animated chatter greeted them on the porch. A sense of warmth filled him from the inside out.
Maybe he would get away with just leaving Kousuke in the middle of the night as a last wish. Maybe not. Maybe he’ll manage to convince him not to call anyone.
Maybe he’ll get to have birthday cake with his friends for the first time.
And maybe, after six months it won’t be all over.
Min-Hyuk said something and Shin-Ae laughed. Loud.
A ray of sunshine.
He’d like to think his mum would have been proud.