Archive of Our Own

Boombox and Coil were grabbing coffee at Thieves Rest when Skateboard suddenly burst through the door.

"Guys! Haven't you heard?" Skateboard slammed his hands down on the cafe table, causing Slingshot to audibly sigh.

He continued, even though nobody responded, "Scientology speedrun! I've seen so many inphernals talk about it! They're all chuds though, we could totally make it to the basement and meet Tom Cruise."

"Who?" Boombox tilted his head in confusion.

Skateboard shrugs. "Man, I don't really know, but we could all find out!"

Slingshot thinks Skateboard needs to get a job. He spends too much time doing stupid sidequests.

"Ay, I'm totally in!" Coil chimes in, "This thing is gonna be a breeze!"

"Hell yeah!"

Slingshot wiped up the coffee spilled on the table from Skateboard slamming his hands and shaking the table earlier, trying to resist rolling his eyes. Picking up the glass, he says, "I'm glad you guys found something to do instead of eating all my food, but isn't that in Lost Temple? With the evil cult members, or whatever?"

"Yeah, but we could totally take them," Skateboard says, with complete confidence, high fiving Coil. "Then we can get Tom Cruise."

Slingshot raises an eyebrow. "Okay, whatever you say."

—-

Slingshot didn't know how he got dragged into this mess. Skateboard would do ANYTHING but get an actual job.

They all took the train over to Lost Temple once Slingshot's shift was over, Shuriken and Vinestaff graciously taking over to close the cafe once they learned about what Slingshot was roped into. They pushed him into saying he would join the Playgrounders on their mission and they were just glad to have another addition to their makeshift team.

Slingshot was much too busy with work and baking and other "important" things to be paying much attention to what a "Scientology speedrun" was. From his unhelpful friends, he has gathered:

• Inphernals barged in and ran into the cult building, trying to collectively map the layout online.

• They were doing this speedrun at night, so hopefully they wouldn't get stopped as easily. Also because cultists need to sleep too.

• Tom Cruise (?) was in the basement.

Slingshot has yet to figure out who Tom Cruise was. He really didn't know anything about this, but maybe going into the crazy cultist building was a bad idea? Hmmm, oh boy! Who would know the answer to that?

Boombox kept breathing on the window and tried to draw out what the previous "speedrunners" mapped out. It wasn't a very good drawing, nonsensical crooked rectangles barely making up a building and quickly fading before Slingshot could remember the full image.

Once they got off the train, the heat of the desert hit Slingshot right in the face. Besides the scattered buildings, it was…all bright sand and desert. Even though it was nighttime. Almost 3 am, actually. Spooky.

Everything is very dry, very sandy. Coil starts leading the way, confidently walking ahead of everyone else. Slingshot hopes he knows where he's going.

"So…who thought this was a good idea again?" Slingshot asks, wiping the sweat beading off his forehead.

"Dude, it's awesome! We're gonna make history!" Skateboard gleefully exclaims, Boombox nodding in agreement.

"You having some second thoughts or something, kitty?" Coil wiggles his eyebrows and Slingshot can feel his blood pressure rising rapidly in real time. "Scared you'll get trapped in the basement with THE Tom Cruise?"

"Yeah, who's that? Nobody ever told me."

"Uh. Good question."

"Oh, how convenient! We're here!"

The large building blended in well with the sandy environment at night, decor accents a suspicious shade of teal.

"Asking again, y'all sure it's safe to mess with these guys? The guys known to carve out their own eyes and sacrifice inphernals for their religion?"

"This speedrun is for the betterment of everyone! We need to map out the whole building!" Skateboard says, eyes lighting up with excitement. He didn't answer Slingshot's question.

Skateboard tries to help adjust a camera strapped to Boombox's head, straps tangling with his horns into a giant mess.

"Sling, you take the camera, your horns won't get in the way." Coil easily untangles it from Boombox's head and hands it to him.

"I'm going to look stupid!"

"You wear a headband all the time, what's the difference? Either way it's gonna hide your shiny fivehead."

Slingshot rolls his eyes but takes the camera anyway, tying it to his forehead (over his very-much-not-stupid-headband and normal-sized head, thank you very much).

Boombox claps his hands. "Okay, ready?"

"LET'S GO!" Skateboard flings the double doors open, leading the way.

It starts off very anticlimactically.

Inside the building of the True Eye, several inphernals with one eye and dressed in teal stare. Turns out cultists don't need sleep after all. It takes them a few moments for things to register before one of them lunges at the group.

"Get 'em!" someone shouts from the back of the room.

Skateboard easily dodges by hopping on his skateboard, almost flying down the small set of stairs and into another room. Coil leaps down right behind him yelling and Boombox blasts music from his gear, the bass loud enough to vibrate the floor.

Is that fucking Clutterfunk from Geometry Dash?

Slingshot half heartedly runs behind them, heavy camera sitting on his head until someone jumps at him. They have multiple chunks of different colored skin sewn on and the sight leaves him in a cold sweat when their eye gleams at the sight of a terrified Slingshot. Ewwwww gross (like seriously that would be really gross if you saw it in real life, think about it). That's enough to make him start sprinting away, using the double jump feature of his Jordans.

Most of the rooms look the same. He's glad he has the camera to record where they are all going because he would totally get lost trying to get out again. So many meeting rooms and blank walled rooms. What did the cultists need this big ass building for?

They descend another small flight of stairs. Some guy tries to stop them, holding out his arm. It does nothing. Medkit is very reluctant to chase after them and he kind of just stares as they keep running.

The new room is noticeably darker down there and Boombox's visor switches on to become a green lit flashlight. Another very convenient device for the plot.

"Get yer arses out of here, I'm warning ya…" Boombox's visor reflects off an inphernal with several gold accents and a metal prosthetic arm. Her horns are teal and black at the edges, sticking out of a white cowboy hat.

Scythe from hit (not really) game on Roblox Phighting?

"Uh, nope! We already made it past all of your other goons!" Boombox declares, causing Skateboard to stifle a giggle. "…What?"

"Heh. Goon."

"Dude, shut the fuck up," Slingshot hisses.

Scythe doesn't think Skateboard has a bright future as a comedian. "I'm warning ya, y'all ain't prepared for what lies down here."

"Begone, Shannon!"

"What? The name's Scythe, you brats!"

"Don't care!" Skateboard whacks Scythe in the head from the side with her glass eye, not a very well hidden surprise attack, but she also can't see anything to her left. One really big downside the inphernals of the True Eye really should have thought more about.

"Wait, who's Shannon…?" Slingshot really doesn't understand where all of these random names come from. Must have some weird gears or Skateboard must be tweaking again. Last time he kept going on about a "Tung Tung Tung Sahur" guy he met in a dream and was sure existed somewhere.

"Does it really matter right now? Let's go and map out the rest of the basement."

"Uh…okay."

Scythe lays slumped on the floor and Boombox high fives Skateboard. Coil begins their descent deeper into the Scientology/True Eye building and steps over her limp body.

There is a cellar door, wooden and yet to be drawn on the collective Scientology map (at least, that's what Slingshot thinks. Boombox isn't the best at drawing).

He knocks on the wood and it echoes before Coil slaps his hand down.

"Why would you ever knock?"

Good point. They were already breaking and entering; knocking was the last of their concerns right now.

Clutterfunk is still playing from Boombox's gear. It must have been on it's sixth or seventh loop by now.

The door creaks open and unsurprisingly, it is also dark in there. Boombox pokes his head in, and what do you know, more white walls.

Skateboard calls out, "Tom Cruise? You in there?"

No response.

Coil pushes the door so they could all get a look inside. If the camera wasn't attached to Slingshot's head, it would have been dropped on the floor.

"Holy shit…it's John Phighting."