Chapter Text
The alarm was blaring when the hand hit the 5:30 dot.
The silence was loud and nothing can be heard except the alarm tone. Its sound can almost wake the whole house except the one it was intended for.
A small groan was heard, accompanied by a hand reaching for his phone. He tapped on it and the sound disappeared. A heavy sigh left his mouth; it is another day of dealing with people. He stood up, fixed his bed, and headed straight to shower.
After he had done his morning ritual and wore his school uniform, he went downstairs and was greeted by his father.
“Morning, Axel!” his father greeted cheerfully, “Breakfast,”
Axel looked at the table and saw a variety of meals. There are rice, dried fish, eggs, and hotdogs— all their smell invading his nostrils and it was down sending signals to make his mouth water.
He stepped forward towards a chair, when a woman suddenly appeared placing a hot cup of coffee on the table. The woman smiled at him brightly, her eyes anticipating. But Axel, instead of a smile, stepped back and spoke.
“I am late for school,” he said looking at his father.
Theo, his father, frowned. He looked at the wall clock near the dining room and saw that it was just 6:15 in the morning. “It is still early. Your classes don’t start no later at 8,” Theo said, “Abigail also had made your favourites,”
“The traffic is built different, Dad.” Axel retorted, completely ignoring the last sentence his father spoke as he headed towards the main door.
“Axel,” his father said firmly, the authority present in his voice.
Axel sighed, almost defeated. He faced them again and saw his father’s face, a mix of pleading and disappointment. Abigail, his father’s girlfriend, on the other hand, was trying to make herself small on the side, seemingly not wanting to create more trouble between the father and son.
He looked around and caught a slice of bread on the table. Axel walked towards it and grabbed one. Using his bare hands, he put a hotdog on the bread and raised it, asking the two adults to look at what he had done and took a large bite from it.
He also took the cup of coffee and took a sip despite it being hot. He does not care, his pride is more important. Without talking, he then proceeded to go towards the door and leave.
When he reached their gate, he pulled out his phone and rang a number, his phone now vibrating in his hand.
“Who are you calling?” someone spoke,
Axel looked up and saw a car with its windows pulled down. A snicker was present from the guy’s face as he held up a phone where his name was written with the word ‘calling…’
Axel rolled his eyes, immediately reaching for the backseat door. When he sat, he was greeted by his two friends.
“Good morning, I guess?” Calix, who was seated at the passenger seat and the one who called Axel, said.
“What’s so good with the morning?” Axel answered,
CJ, the one at the driver seat, chuckled. “The morning barely started and you’re already pissed?”
“Let me guess,” Calix said, completely turning towards the backseat, “Abigail,”
“Shut up,” Axel replied,
Calix shook his head, seemingly impressed by his answer. “Damn right,” he said,
“I don’t really understand. Tita Abigail seems nice every time we come to your house,” CJ said, “Why are you such a brat around her?”
“I’m not,” Axel defended, rolling his eyes, but CJ knows his friend very well to the point that he felt that eyeroll behind the driver’s seat.
“See?” CJ said, getting Calix’s agreement.
“Can we have enough of it? As you said, the morning barely started. Can anyone not ruin it more?”
The drive to school was smooth, the traffic was less than expected. Since they had enough time, they stopped for a while to grab some breakfast and coffee. When they reached their classroom, the usual chaos of their classmates welcomed them. Their seats are usually assigned alphabetically based on surnames, making Axel sit somewhere in the middle while his two friends sat at the front.
Their classmate’s chatter surrounded him. It was as if they hadn't met for a whole month, but Axel thinks it's normal. Teenagers like them have a lot to talk about, no matter what it is. Their interests converge somewhere after all.
“I heard a rumor,”
Axel looked in front of him and saw CJ standing there, moments later Calix came after, putting his arm around the former’s shoulder. “You always hear something,” Calix said.
“He’s a mayor, he knows everyone,” Axel added,
“Ha!” CJ said, “Fine, I won’t say what I heard,” he added, removing Calix’s arm around him to go back to his seat.
“Uhm, nope,” Calix said, stopping CJ from leaving, “Come on, what’s today’s gossip?”
CJ stopped from squiggling out of Calix, accepting his defeat from the latter. He heaved a dramatic sigh and spoke, “We will have a new classmate,”
Axel’s forehead creased, “Huh?”
“A transferee in the last year of Senior High?” Calix asked, mirroring Axel’s reaction,
“Yep,” CJ said, popping the letter at the end, “A bit odd, yes. But it was what they said,”
“Welcome, I guess. A new face,” Calix said, “I’m a bit tired of yours, actually,” he added, teasingly looking at CJ.
“That is mean,” CJ said, eyes wide as he clutched his chest, pretending to get hurt from what Calix had said.
Bored is an understatement.
He felt beyond as professors enter and exits their room, babbling about their assigned subject and burdening them with lots of homework as if they were the only subject they were taking. But Axel tries to not be taken over by irritation, afterall, today is a Friday.
“Let’s eat out!” Calix beamed, throwing his arms around Axel and CJ’s shoulders as they walked outside their campus.
Their classes had ended (Thank God -Axel) and they are now heading to the parking lot. It was a usual routine, CJ will drive them to school and home. Calix has his own car and, sometimes, he’s the one carrying it and driving. But, as he wanted to be called, as a Passenger Prince, he doesn’t want to be bothered driving.
“I can’t,” Axel started, “I have to go dinner at the house,”
“Oh, right! Today is Friday,” Calix realized, “So, Kuya Kevin will be home?”
“He better be,” Axel answered, “Ceej, you can just drop me off the tricycle stop,”
“Are you sure?” CJ said, a bit worried,
“Pfft,” Axel chuckled, “It’s not like we did not commute to school when we were younger,”
“Uhm, we literally just walk to school before,” CJ said,
“You know what. We’ll drop you off and we’ll just eat somewhere near our village gate,” Calix interrupted,
“Huh? Why? Don’t adjust for me. You two can have your ‘date’,”
“Hush, my child,” Calix said, a bit dramatically as he shakes his head with his eyes closed as he holds both of Axel’s hands, “We won’t let anything happen to you. You’re like our son,”
CJ snorted, laughing at his boyfriend’s antics.
When he reached their house, he immediately recognized the newly parked car at their gate. His lips immediately widened with the thought of who it belonged to. Regardless of how heavy his bag is, it did not stop him from running inside.
When he reached the living room, he immediately had a glimpse at their counter table. He saw a man standing there with a glass of water in his hands.
“Kuya!” Axel beamed.
The older immediately lifted his gaze and saw his brother running towards him. He placed the glass of water on the counter and welcomed his baby brother in his arms. Axel ran with his arms lifted and hugged his brother.
“I missed you,” Axel said, a pout evident from his voice,
“We met last week,” Kevin said,
“That was a week ago now!” Axel groaned, earning a chuckle from his brother.
This is a common scenario inside the household. The two brothers are pretty close to each other as they grew up always having each other’s backs. Axel is even particularly clingy since it was Kevin who practically raised him as their father is busy with work.
However, when Kevin reaches college, Axel has to accept that his brother will no longer be always around him. Of all the people he knows, his brother is his ally at all times, including Calix and CJ of course.
“I was about to pick you up at school, but you were not answering your phone. So, I assumed that you were with Calix and CJ,” Kevin said,
“I was, earlier.” Axel said, getting himself a glass of water, “But I told them today is friday so I made a pass from their plans tonight,”
“Oh,” Kevin said, a tone was present that Axel cannot pinpoint, but it sent something inside him.
“Kevin,” a voice said.
The brothers looked ahead and saw their father walking towards them with a big smile on his face.
“Dad,” Kevin said. He walked towards his father and took his hand and placed the back of it towards his forehead, a form of respect to elders that means ‘mano po’.
Axel walked towards Theo and did the same. Kevin did not fail to catch how his brother’s eyes looked past their father’s, as if making sure that no one was behind him. Seeing it, Kevin heaved a sigh.
As they were at the dining table, the flow of conversation never dulled. Kevin tells his college tales– what his life had been that past week and his college life at the university. He’s pretty open about everything, every detail. It was his way of telling his father and his brother that he’s okay, despite being far from them. For them to not worry because he can manage himself. There are days that might be hard, but he gets by.
A soft clank of placed utensils caught their attention. “I’ll just go upstairs,” Axel said, standing up from his seat.
“Where are you going?” Theo asked,
“I’ll get my things,” he said, “Kuya, is your car unlocked? I’ll load my stuff,”
A moment of silence fell on the table.
Axel saw the hesitation from his brother’s eyes. His wavering gaze from him to their father and back.
Friday is their weekend thing. A tradition that started since Kevin went to college. Like, ‘Sunday is for family’ type of tradition. Every Friday, Kevin would go home and fetch his younger brother. It is either they will leave that night to go to Manila, or Kevin will stay at home and they will go somewhere else the next day.
It is what Axel was anticipating since that morning. It is the reason why he does not let anything make his mood sour. Because he knows that at the end of that day, Kevin will be around and they will do something fun, just like when they were kids.
But the way his older brother is acting, something must have been up. He knows it behind his mind, but he refuses to acknowledge it.
“What?” he asked cautiously, trying not to go to the conclusion he had concocted in his mind,
“Uhm–” Kevin started, trying to find the right words, “The thing is…” he trailed,
“I cannot bring you to Manila this weekend,” Kevin dropped,
Axel blinked, pondering the words that reached his ears. “Oh, sure! So that means you’ll stay? Where are we heading this weekend?”
But the silence grew even more. Axel did not understand, or rather, does not want to understand.
“Your Kuya Ashton and I have some plans this weekend— with his family. And besides, it’s just one weekend—”
But before Kevin could even finish, Axel bolted out of the dining room and headed straight to his room. Axel threw himself on his bed and covered himself with the blanket, trying to fit his whole entirety inside. Moments later, he heard footsteps outside his room. Then, a soft knock came.
“Hey, Axel,” Kevin said, voice calm but firm, “Open the door,”
Axel ignored his brother, still burying himself on his sheets. He begs the foam to swallow him whole. Moments later, he heard the creak of the door. He knew that his brother opened it; he didn’t lock it after all. He then felt the foam beside him deepened, Kevin sitting at the edge of the bed.
Kevin tugged the blanket, but Axel held on it firmly.
“Axel, I didn’t like what you did back there,” Kevin reprimanded, but voice still calm. “It’s disrespectful,”
Another tugged, but Axel did not budge.
“This is too much, Axel. I’ve had enough of this!” Kevin shouted, “I have been patient but you kept on acting this way!”
Axel was stunned, watching his brother shouting at him. It may not have been the first, given that Kevin is the oldest and sometimes been in charge with Axel. Arguments are inevitable with siblings, but the two always compromise with each other; not ending the day without dealing with what they had argued.
But Axel felt today was different, especially now that Kevin is heading towards him.
“You are bright, Axel. You used to be better than this,” Kevin said, trying to calm himself as he talk to his brother, “Yet you do nothing now but be rebellious against something God knows what,”
“Really?” Axel breathed, “Why are you acting as if nothing is happening?”
“Because there is none, Axel!” Kevin said, “You’re creating issues that do not exist!”
“Dad told me everything,” he added, “You ignoring him, being disrespectful. That is not who you are, Axel. I know that. And I know you’re purposely doing that,”
Axel remembers all those moments, all those times that he acknowledges himself being the bad son. But all those moments have one thing in common.
“There is an intruder in this family and you all act like it’s nothing!” Axel burst, eyes already glassy as he now stood up in front of his brother.
“Tita Abigail,” Kevin said, “That is your issue,”
“You started acting like this when she got together with Dad,” Kevin said,
“And you all started to act that everything is okay!” Axel said, “I am the one who’s in this house, so I know what I see and what I feel,”
Kevin’s gaze hardened towards his brother. He does not understand where Axel is coming from. All he knows is that the Axel in front of him is not the Axel he grew up with— not the one he raised. He tried so hard to look into his brother’s eyes, seeing if he could possibly see what was happening inside him, so that he could truly understand.
But in the heated moment, Kevin step away and walk towards the closet.
“Then, if you so hate this house,” Kevin said, opening the door and pulling out some of Axel’s clothes. “You can leave,”
Axel’s eyes widened when he heard that. Did he just ask him to leave this house? He felt a wave of pain across his chest. It was as if his heart stopped for a second. Did he hear that right? His own brother asking him to leave? Why is he the one asked to leave?
Kevin continued pulling out his clothes and throwing them on the bed. Piles of clothes are now scattered across the floor. Axel stood there, watching the scene.
The clothes scattered, and so was his broken heart.
In the middle of it, Axel’s eyes caught something. A white fluffy bundle of fabric underneath his closet. His blood heated as his eyes widened.
“Kuya,” he called softly, eyes glued to that specific piece, “Stop,”
But Kevin was busy throwing his things, and that includes it.
“I said stop!” Axel screamed as he snatched a white beanie away from the pile Kevin had thrown.
The older seemed startled and was about to scold him again, but his eyes trailed towards the beanie that Axel has on his chest, clinging to it as if to protect. Kevin’s eyes lingered, then remembered.
“That’s–”
“Get out,” Axel said, voice eerily calm as he cradles the beanie on his chest.
“Axel–” Kevin called, but his voice was cut off with Axel’s shattering voice,
“GET OUT!”
The door immediately opened and Theo stood frozen as he saw the mess inside. “What’s happening?” he demanded,
No one spoke. Theo was about to ask again when Kevin stopped him, the latter’s eyes already explaining. That is when Theo saw, then he finally understood.
The two left the room, quietly closing the door as if any sound would spark something.
As he even his breath, Axel looked around him; the mess that was left. He then looked at the fabric placed on his hands, already crumpled when he held on to it. He then heard an engine start. He walked towards the window and saw his brother’s car.
That night, it was not only Kevin’s car that left.
Axel felt the world had left him alone.
-ˋˏ ༻❁✿❀༺ ˎˊ-
Axel woke up early the next morning. He wore his dri-fit and running shorts as he decided to have a run. It’s his usual routine. Every weekend he runs as a form of exercise, but deep inside him, he knows why he wants to run.
A metaphor for what he truly wants.
Even just for a minute, or an hour, he’ll feel what he wanted.
He descended the stairs carrying his running shoes. He was about to go straight to the kitchen to grab some water first when he was greeted by his father, making his morning coffee. Theo saw him and there was a moment of pause, as if weighing the air between them. Moments later, Theo spoke.
“Can you tell me what happened yesterday?”
Axel sighed, “Good morning to you too, Dad.” He said as he approached their fridge to grab a pitcher.
“Don’t be sarcastic. I am asking you properly,”
“Dad,” Axel called, dropping the glass on the countertop, “My sarcasm doesn’t work yet this early in the morning,”
Theo opened his mouth to argue. But it remained open, seemingly amused by how his son answered him.
“Whatever, but I am not here to scold you. I genuinely want to know what happened,” Theo said calmly, coaxing his son to speak and open up to him.
“I am out for a run–” Axel said, he was about to take another step to escape his father but he was cut off when Theo spoke,
“Axel,” he said, calmly but authority was present from his voice.
Axel stopped from his tracks, accepting his defeat from his father. He knows he can banter with his Dad. But he also knows that there is a limit and he knows when the boundaries are set.
Axel sighed, knowing that his dodging might have been too much. “It’s just a bit of an argument. We’re okay. I’ll talk to kuya today or tomorrow.”
Theo read his face, trying to see through his son. After all, he is a father; he might not know exactly, but he knows his sons by his heart. He set down his cup on the counter and walked towards his bunso. He then wrapped his arms around him, fully engulfing Axel.
Axel was startled at first, but he melted on his father’s arms. At that moment, he felt that he’s a child again. A child under his father’s protection, all safe. Axel raised his arms and answered the hug back. “Am I being babied?” Axel jokingly asked.
Theo laughed heartily, he removed himself from the hug and looked at his son, as if seeing him for the first time. “You know, you might have grown into a man like this, but I see you still as my ‘baby’. Our baby. Your kuya still spoils you, doesn't he?”
Axel rolled his eyes and folded his arms, a pout now forming on his lips as if to sulk. “If I am spoiled by him, I should have been in Manila now,” he said,
“Axel,” Theo said, less authoritative than before. He was about to start to explain Kevin’s side but Axel beat him to it,
“I’m just kidding,” Axel said, smiling with his cheeks now puffing, “I understand his reasons. I now realize that what I did last night is bratty. And I didn’t mean to shout at him,” he added, guilt now spreading across his body.
Theo pursed his lips and looked at Axel, with a sigh, he spoke. “You still have it, after all those years,”
Axel lifted his head, looking at his dad. He understood what his father was talking about, so he nodded.
“I am visiting Mom,” Axel said, “After last night and I saw the beanie, I realized it’s been so long since I saw her,”
Theo nodded, “You’re just going to run to her? I can drop you off, you know,”
“No need, Dad,” Axel said, shaking his head and smiled, “I need to cool off my head for a while before going to her,”
“Okay,” Theo said, “I’m out with your tita Abigail. Would you like to join after?”
“Hmm, not really,” Axel said, “I’m going to meet Calix and CJ later in the afternoon,”
“Hmkay, update me, okay?”
“Yeah. Enjoy!” Axel said as he walked towards the door to start his run.
The breeze caresses his cheeks. He passes the cold air as he jog forward. His beating heart matches the beat that blares from his headphones. The weather was nice for a run. Axel thanked the heavens for it, because he no longer knows what to do if his anticipated run would also be ruined.
As his feet meet the ground, the music in his ears seems to be nothing but a background noise of his thoughts. His actual reason for running is to clear his mind. But what he’s experiencing as of the moment was the opposite of it. As he runs, his mind also runs with the events that happened leading to where he is right now.
His heart was beating on his chest, but he managed to control his breathing. Every thought was left as he created distance— until nothing was left.
But when the fresh scent of grass reached his nose, it all came back. Most especially that day.
He stepped on the cemented ground; the pathway among the grass. The music was loud in his ears, but the moment he removed his headphones, silence.
But the silence was not empty, it was peace. The soft ray of the sun touching his cheek is not painful, but warm against his skin. The flapping of wings and the birds talking amongst them was like a melody that only nature can give.
He let his feet take him to where he was supposed to go. It was like his mind no longer needs to think where exactly he is going, his body remembers.
Then there it was, the person he wanted to see the most.
“Hi, Mom,”
Rosaline Gonzales
1975-2013
Axel sat on the grass, removing some dried leaves on his mother’s tombstone. A small smile painted on his face, signifying the longing, the pain.
“I’m sorry. It’s been so long since I visited. Things are busy at school.”
“Guess what, your bunso is already graduating. Well, just in senior high school, but still. You and Dad will already have two college students.” Axel said, smiling widely as he imagined the thought of him and his brother possibly messing at college.
“But don’t worry, your boys are good boys. I think kuya is doing well in college, no failed subjects. I, on the other hand, am also doing good with my studies. Math is pretty hard, but I’m prettier,” Axel laughed after saying the last word. His melodious laugh echoing and harmonizing with the sound of the wind and the leaves. But not too long, his eyes reverted back to what it used to be.
“I continued writing. I am currently a journalist in our school paper. Aren’t you proud?” Axel said, “But I am not letting go of my dream. I have a passion for journalism, like you, but I also have another dream for myself and that is to be a scientist. I am not sure if I went to college, I can still squeeze in writing for the school paper. I heard from kuya that college really is busy. He sometimes complains to me that he can no longer play his videogames. Can you imagine your son, mom? He still has a thought of playing on his screen at his big age.”
“No offense to kuya though, he just wanted a break from his books,”
Axel heaved a sigh. It's been so long since he talked like this with his mother. Him being busy at school was not an excuse, it was true. He may have been hanging out with his friends, but all he did there was either to do his school work or he was doing his backlogs for their school paper.
“I miss you,”
The words fell from his mouth like a long breath he had suppressed. The wind blew like a hug he had been longing for. His cheeks wet from the tears he did not know were already falling from his eyes. He chuckled, laughing at his state. But, maybe, it was not a chuckle but a sob he was trying to hide. A sob of longing he was trying not to be seen.
The heat of the sun was on his face, he felt warm despite the coldness wrapping his heart. He must have stayed a bit longer than expected since the sun is already high up. But all of a sudden, he felt a shadow looming in front of him. A shield from the sun’s heat.
Axel lifted his head, only to be greeted by a hand holding a handkerchief. His eyes trail towards the arm of where the handkerchief was placed, but was greeted by a shadow. The sun’s rays fully blocked his view to see the person’s face.
“I think you need this,” the person said, his voice deep, but friendly.
But Axel remained unmoving, his eyes still focused on the face that he cannot see. The person seemingly understood; he gently moved his head towards where the sun was hitting Axel’s face, completely blocking it.
The scrunch on Axel’s face was gone when the sunlight was blocked. He blinked several times, trying to adjust his eyesight. There, he saw a face smiling towards him, hand still extended as he offers him his handkerchief.
The person’s face was calm. Neutral, but you can see the concern from his eyes despite himself being a stranger. Axel absentmindedly took the handkerchief in his hand. “Thank you,” he said quietly, placing the handkerchief towards his wetted cheeks.
“You’re welcome,” the stranger said, smiling widely, showing his natural fangs which Axel did not fail to notice.
Axel was about to give back the handkerchief when the man suddenly started walking away.
“Wait!” Axel said, standing up as he slightly raised his hand holding the handkerchief.
The man immediately understood, “It’s yours,” he said, squinting his eyes as the sun hit his face, making his thick eyebrows meet in between. “See you around,”
Axel was left there, standing with the handkerchief from a stranger.
His face now dried from the tears, his mind intrigued.