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it was the twenty-fourth of december, and you had known since karen woke up that morning, chatting your ear off about everything she wanted to finish before tomorrow, that you would be in for a long day.
she had a ginormous list of to-dos, including baking cookies, cleaning the house, and deciding whether or not she should rewrap everyone’s gifts for the second time. yes, the second time, since she’d already done it once. she grew very anxious around the holidays, and even the smallest things, like mike’s gift being wrapped too loosely, bothered her.
you had just sat there in bed, listening to her ramble on about all of these miscellaneous christmas necessities, knowing she’d be worn out by the end of the holidays. you’d get your sleepy karen back, full of cheer and excitement, but much less stressed and anxious, and full of sugar.
noon that day had turned out to be the most chaotic hour, though it was hard to say the others didn’t compare.
karen had tied one of her old aprons around holly’s waist and another around herself, yet they still managed to get icing all over them. you watched from afar, listening to their laughter as holly held up a badly decorated cookie.
“mom? does this look like a reindeer?”
“well,” karen sighed, “he looks like he’s had a rough year. how about we stick to the pillsbury cookies?”
people who didn’t know karen well still saw the married version of her. the woman with a lovely house and a welcoming spirit, who stayed quiet and let her husband do the toasts for meals he had not prepared. they imagined that if she ever got divorced, she’d end up lonely and miserable, depending on some younger guy and ignoring her children once they were out of the house.
the version you loved, and knew well, was the one who would glance over at you with a sneaky look that told you how badly she wanted to laugh at that cookie and tease her daughter. she wasn’t compliant or silent anymore. she had the prettiest smile and a gorgeous laugh, and you got to experience both every single day. she made her own money and cleaned every trace of ted from her life.
that night, holly cuddled between the two of you on the couch under a fluffy red blanket to watch christmas movies, and just before it got too dark, the three of you went out into the yard. both karen and holly were too restless, too wound up with excitement to sleep if they didn’t run around like puppies first.
you watched karen laugh while she chased holly through the snow, flakes caught in her hair. unlike holly, karen had no gloves on because she had “forgotten” them again. you had bought her a new white pair with embroidered pink flowers and the fluffiest lining ever, but karen liked how the snow felt and never thought about what it might do to her poor fingers.
“karen,” you’d shouted from the back door. “where are your mitts?”
“i’m fine,” she’d called back, scooping up another handful of snow.
five minutes later, she’d come back inside shivering, holding her freezing fingers out towards you.
holly finally fell asleep holding her favourite care bear, funshine bear, unaware that the newest wish bear plush would be waiting for her the next morning. you had refused to tell karen just how long you’d spent searching for a care bear that hadn’t already sold out, or one holly didn’t already own.
you and karen tucked her into bed and made sure she was fully asleep before heading back downstairs, knowing she’d take the chance to sneak down and see what was under the tree if she wasn’t heavily supervised.
karen had disappeared for a while and come back wearing a sweater. of course, it was the white one she put on every year, with outlines of reindeer across the front and little snowflakes around the sleeves. you always wanted an excuse to touch it because it was unbelievably soft, and karen took such good care of it.
“well?” she asked, turning in the doorway. she suddenly had a mug of hot chocolate in her hands, which you hadn’t even heard her making.
“you look beautiful, as always.”
she mumbled something that must have been “thank you” and joined you on the couch. you looked down into the mug she was holding, lifting your eyebrows in surprise.
she feigned innocence. “what?”
“how many marshmallows are in there?”
“oh, only a handful.”
you looked again, muttering under your breath as you counted what appeared to be twelve mini marshmallows. how she had managed to fit that many into the mug, let alone alongside the hot chocolate, was beyond comprehension.
you put your arm around her waist so she could rest her head against your shoulder. she smelled like gingerbread, vanilla, and pine. you assumed the gingerbread scent came from the cookies she’d baked earlier, most of which had already been eaten by holly. the pine, meanwhile, was from getting needles tangled in her hair while she made snow angels all over the lawn.
after a while, karen sighed deeply. “i’m excited for tomorrow.”
“i know. you’ve only mentioned it twelve times, my love.”
she nudged your side with her elbow. “i like having everybody here. i know the kids are older and everything’s changing, and i know that’s normal, but…” she looked down at the marshmallows bobbing around in her drink. “with nancy bringing robin, mike bringing will, and the fact i still haven’t decided whether the ham should go in at ten or ten-thirty, i should be worried. i should be pacing around, taking more pills than usual. that’s what i’m used to.”
she took a large sip of her hot chocolate and spluttered when she burned her tongue. she coughed hoarsely into the crook of her arm.
“oh gosh.” you reached over and brushed your thumb against her cheek, trying not to laugh while still listening to her concerns. “are you okay?”
“sorry,” she mumbled, clearing her throat with another cough. “what i mean is…i’m glad this year is different. i have you. i’m still a little on edge about tomorrow, but for once i’m happy i’ll have someone who won’t…abandon me with all the tasks. i’m nervous, but…” she sighed. “it’ll be okay. i know it will be.”
you ran your fingers through the curls beside her ear. “you have no reason to be nervous about tomorrow. you know both will and robin; they’re not strangers, and they adore you. you have everything done, or almost done, and it’s not like it matters if i need to step in at the last minute.” you smiled. “it’s your favourite holiday and you deserve to relax. really, what could possibly go wrong?”
she groaned softly and covered her face with her hands. “you’d be surprised, considering how many times ted said that and things went horribly wrong.”
you winced and gently pried her hands away from her face, holding them in yours. “that’s because he’s an idiot, karen. you have nothing to worry about. i promise.”
︶ ⏝ ︶ ୨୧ ︶ ⏝ ︶
that night, karen came into the bedroom right behind you, but she hadn’t immediately changed into her pyjamas, which was rare for her. she liked to be cozy, and her not burying herself in the blankets the second she walked in was unlike her.
she leaned down to kiss your forehead, pulling one of the thicker blankets snugly around your shoulders. “close your eyes,” she whispered. “i just have to put holly’s last present under the tree and i’ll be right back.”
you were already exhausted and warm under the giant comforter, but you had every intention of staying awake for her, wanting to cuddle and bury your face in her hair, to fall asleep with her peachy vanilla perfume next to you.
you listened for the sound of her footsteps in the hallway, for the creak of the stairs and the five steps after it, for the bedroom door opening again. you knew all of her sounds by now.
sometime between waiting for her and staring into the darkness, your eyes shut, though not for long. when you woke again, it was only because something physically felt wrong.
you pushed yourself up onto your elbows and squinted at the clock beside the bed. it had been forty minutes. your sleepy fog vanished as you looked towards the bathroom, expecting to see light through the door, but it was dark. the hallway was unlit too, and the upstairs was completely silent.
“karen?” you called out softly.
you got up and actually checked the bathroom and hallway, but she wasn’t in either. you glanced towards holly’s partially opened bedroom door, but you knew if karen had gone in there to stay with her, you would have heard the younger girl crying from one of her nightmares.
holly would have asked for both of you, or even just you, not wanting to spoil her mom’s christmas spirit. she still struggled and needed reassurance, or someone to change her sheets if she had an especially bad nightmare. karen would have woken you up and told you she was staying with holly, or invited holly into your bed. that was just how things were.
you went downstairs, feeling your heart thumping harder and harder the longer you couldn’t find her. you stopped in the doorway of the kitchen, which had garland hanging above it and a small red bow in the centre. after enough awkward incidents with friends and family, she stopped putting the silly mistletoe there.
there she was, standing in front of the counter in her reindeer sweater, leaning over the plate holly had left out for santa. the plate you and karen had arranged together that afternoon with the little pillsbury christmas cookies holly had been so proud of.
and what was she doing with them now?
you let out a sigh of relief. “karen?”
she jumped, and the reindeer cookie in her hand slipped, breaking on the counter. she quickly tried to block the scene with her body.
you blinked at her sleepily, trying to peek around her. “what’s going on? is everything okay? is holly alright?”
karen stood there with the guiltiest expression you had ever seen. “i was just—holly’s fine. i’m fine.”
you walked closer, using her shoulders so you could see around her. there had been twelve cookies on that plate, and now there were three left. you slowly turned your head to look at her.
karen winced. “i know. i was a little hungry.”
“you—”
“i had one, and then i had another because the first one tasted good, and then—and then i realized i’d already had too many. i’m sorry.” karen sighed and folded her arms around herself, embarrassed. “i know i shouldn’t have. i should be ashamed.”
“oh, no—”
“i should.” she kept avoiding your eyes. “i needed—wanted, i easily could have gone without—something sweet, and they were sitting there, and i thought if they stayed out all night they’d get stale…or something. that doesn’t even make sense, i know.” karen rubbed her hands together. “then i thought a cookie or two would just calm me down, maybe settle my nerves enough to sleep. then i got carried away, and poor holly…oh, she’s going to think santa ate her cookies, when really it was her greedy mother.”
you waited until she finally looked at you before taking her face in both hands, feeling how warm her cheeks had gotten. you didn’t think she had anything to be ashamed of, and you would never be mad at her for eating as much as she wanted. you could only assume a certain man had filled her head with unnecessary commentary before.
“you’re going to give yourself a stomachache, my love.” you gently squeezed her cheeks. “and tomorrow you’re going to wake up and not be able to eat pancakes.”
karen whined softly. “don’t say that.”
“sorry,” you said quietly, then looked back at the half-empty plate. “hey, you might as well just wash them down with some milk. it might help with the stomachache.”
karen reluctantly let herself smile, finally realizing you weren’t upset with her.
she picked up the mug beside the cookies, which had two little bears on the side cuddled together in christmas scarves, and took a sip. when she put it down again, she licked the milk from her lips and pressed her hand against her stomach.
“you might be right,” she admitted. “pancakes might be a little tricky tomorrow.”
you gave her a scolding look and, with a sigh, laced your fingers through hers. “come on. santa will probably be grateful you left him three. made his job easier.”
once you got upstairs and back into your bedroom, she went straight to the mattress and sat down on the edge of it.
“they were worth it, but the snowmen tasted a little off. i’m not sure what it was.”
you shut the bedroom door halfway. “don’t they taste exactly the same?”
“no. the trees were better. the reindeer were a close second, but they had a weird aftertaste.”
“you baked them on the same tray.” you switched on the lamp beside the bed, then turned off the overhead light. “they came from the same tube, made by the same people. what exactly was different about them?”
you turned back just in time to see karen push her jeans down and kick them towards the laundry basket to be dealt with later.
you had watched her build a snowman and roll around in the glittering snow, yet even the snow angels she had made had not looked half as angelic as she did now. you had seen the most perfect pillsbury cookies come out of the oven, baked exactly right and, apparently, tasting amazing. you wouldn’t know, of course. they were nearly all gone now. but none of them had compared to karen’s eyes when she pulled them from the oven, the soft caramel brown turned warmer by the glowing stove light.
the greatest gift of all was being able to admire her.
“is something the matter, baby?”
you smiled to yourself and went over to the bed, slipping under the comforter and waiting for her to join you. when she did, the sheets were instantly warmer as she reclaimed her spot.
karen curled onto her side facing you and tucked her hand under her cheek. she had only bothered taking off her jeans before getting into bed, so she was still wearing her white sweater, though the sleeves were pushed up and there were a few cookie crumbs around the collar.
“really,” she sighed. “what is it? what’s wrong?”
you went with the playful answer, deciding not to keep her up for another hour telling her everything you thought was perfect about her. “i’m deciding whether eating santa’s cookies knocks you off the nice list.”
“i hope not. what’ll you do with all of those presents you got me? it would be wasteful to get rid of them.”
“hm, you might have a point.” you brushed a piece of hair away from her face, using the closeness as an excuse to kiss the tip of her nose. “i don’t want to see you sleepy tomorrow because you were worried all night. mike and will aren’t going to care if there’s one less cookie on the dessert tray. nancy and robin are going to hug you so hard you won’t be able to feel your arms. they won’t be focused on all of the little things the way you think they will.”
you watched some of the worry in her expression slowly begin to fade.
“those kids love their family more than they love dinner. they love you, karen. i love you.” you kissed her forehead, then the corner of her mouth, whispering against her skin, “and i can’t wait to spend another christmas with the love of my life.”
her leg slid over yours as she used an arm around your waist to pull you closer. “i love you too. merry christmas, sweetheart.”