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Severus wasn’t even sure what he was being punished for. His leading theory was that he hid his face behind his hair one too many times. Maybe it had nothing to do with his hair; maybe it was the shorter, mumbled responses he gave his father. He wasn’t exactly sure.
The reason behind his punishment didn’t mean a whole lot when he could feel his father’s hand ripping out his hair as he was led—well dragged—out of his seat and into the living room. More space. Naturally.
“Tobias,” Severus’s mom—Eileen—whispered, but it was no use. Nothing could stop his father when he got going.
“I am sick and tired of you,” Tobias raged as he threw Severus to the floor. “How much do you like your hair, huh?” When Severus didn’t respond, Tobias continued. “Speak up, boy. There’s got to be a voice in there somewhere.”
Severus swallowed around the fear coating his throat. “I like it.”
Tobias laughed. “Perfect.” Severus watched as his father walked back into the kitchen, and his heart dropped at the scissors he came back with. “Stay still. Wouldn’t want me to make a wrong move, right?” Tobias taunted as he approached Severus.
Severus tensed as his father grabbed him by his hair once more, tilting his face up. Then, Severus heard the snipping sound of his hair being cut. He felt it as the strands fell around him.
Severus could have cried. He was upset enough that he could have, but he didn’t. His fear in that moment overpowered all else. He stayed as still as a statue as his father continued to cut his hair.
When Tobias was done, his hand smacked the back of Severus’s head and sent him face first into the floor, which was covered in his own hair. “Show me some respect from now on, boy, or next time I won’t be so generous.”
Severus wasn’t sure what about this was generous, but he stayed on the floor until he heard his father’s door slam shut.
“Oh, baby,” his mom whispered as she rushed over to Severus. Her hands gently cradled his head, but he pushed her hands away.
“It’s fine.” Severus began shakily getting up. Once he was on his feet, he took in the sheer amount of hair that covered the floor. His hair. He nearly fell right back down.
Instead, he brushed off the hair that was still on him, and he walked to his room, leaving his mom with the mess his father created.
It wasn’t out of malice, necessarily. He didn’t hate his mom, not like he did his father, but he held a certain amount of resentment for her. It always confused him how she could stand by and watch as his father blatantly abused him—how she could do nothing about him being hit, beat, or screamed at. He was certain he would never stand by and watch someone beat a person he loved.
He was certain that she loved him. That was extremely clear, and when he allowed himself to truly put himself in her shoes, he could understand why she stood back. He would hit her too; he already screamed at her. Severus wasn’t even sure if it was actually out of self-preservation, or if she thought she had to be ready. Ready to help Severus afterward. Ready to step in if his father took it too far, though it seemed to Severus like the only thing “too far” would be killing him.
So yes, Severus logically could understand, but he also resented her because her inaction meant his pain.
In the relative safety of his room, Severus ran his fingers through his now short hair. Then again. And again. His fingers began to tremble, and his chest felt tight. It wasn’t even that he liked his stupid hair that much; it’s just that it was his.
His hair was chopped short but uneven. Severus had half a mind to finish his father’s job, to cut the longer parts even shorter to match the rest, but he felt exhausted. He was always exhausted after his father exploded.
Severus climbed into his bed and curled into himself. His hands shook as they wrapped around his ribs. He let his eyes fall closed, but unfortunately, his mind was much too awake.
Therefore, as it always did when he’s overthinking, Severus’s mind found its way back to Lily—to their biggest and final fight. The fight in which Serverus made the biggest mistake of his life and called Lily a mudblood. It was stupid. It was beyond stupid; it was the single most idiotic, hurtful choice he’d ever made and likely will ever make.
A day doesn’t go by that Severus didn’t regret saying that word—didn’t regret losing Lily. He recognized now that he’d had a weird fascination with Lily, something that he mistook for love. But could he really be blamed? It’s not like he had any good examples.
Lily was the first person who was truly kind to him. She remained one of the only people who treated him like he was actually worth something throughout their years at Hogwarts. That was what made Severus think he loved her, but now, he just wanted his best friend back.
Severus woke up slowly, and as he turned onto his back, he had to reach up and move his hair out of his face. He blinked slowly up at the ceiling; the remnants of his dream were already slipping away.
Suddenly, Severus sat upright in his bed. His hands flew to his head, and they combed through his long, black hair. Fear slid up his spine and wrapped around his throat. He hadn’t done accidental magic in years, let alone like this. He wasn’t even actually distraught, as was typical in cases of accidental magic.
Severus was focusing hard on controlling his breathing, but his only thought was how angry his father would be.
Magic was forbidden in the Snape household. His father knew his mom was a witch before they married, but at some point—maybe even the whole time—he decided that magic was not allowed. His reasons were that it was the “easy way out” or that it didn’t “get the job done right.”
The sound of his mom’s voice broke through Severus’s panic, “Breakfast is ready!”
Severus sighed, both because he would have to face his father and because breakfast would likely consist of porridge once more. They didn’t have the money for much else.
Severus made his way to the kitchen slowly. When he finally entered, he froze under his father’s gaze. He watched as Tobias’s face reddened, and the screech of his chair being abruptly pushed back threatened to make Severus flinch.
“You used magic to grow back your hair? Right after a punishment!” Tobias raged as he stalked toward Severus. Severus had to tense every muscle in his body to prevent himself from backing away from his father.
“Fine! You can keep your queer fucking hair,” Tobias shouted, and he grabbed Severus’s upper arm. The grip was harsh enough that Severus knew it would leave a bruise. “Makes this easier, huh?” Severus nearly gasped as his father’s other hand gripped his hair aggressively, sending seething pain through Severus’s scalp.
Severus scrambled forward as his father tugged him toward the living room once more. The floor was clean of his hair; his mom’s doing, clearly. It would have made no difference either way when Tobias threw Severus to the ground. His elbow exploded with pain as the sound of it striking the floor rang out.
“I have two punishments to make up for since, clearly, the last one didn’t stick.” Tobias’s voice wasn’t as loud as before, but that didn’t mean anything good. If anything, it worried Severus more. His father’s anger was usually predictable. It was always worse when he was no longer going based on his anger. More intentional. Greater impact.
The first kick to Severus’s side shouldn’t have been a shock; it wasn’t an abnormal method of punishment for his father. However, it swiftly knocked the breath out of Severus which only made the next one hurt worse.
Severus should have been listening to what Tobias was saying—should have been trying to do whatever Tobias wanted him to do—but he was too busy listening to his ribs. He was waiting for that awful crunch sound that preceded the worst pain of Severus’s life, because when would a cracked rib stop his father?
That was how he ended up with Tobias’s hands around his throat. “Got nothing to say, boy? Goddamn it. Say something!” Severus stared wide eyed at his father as his fingers curled further into Severus’s throat. “I barely even hear you talk!” Severus tried really hard not to gasp, not to frantically pull at his father’s arm, but he could only hold off a survival impulse for so long.
Severus might have been able to hear his mom’s frantic pleads if he had been in any state to listen for them. However, as it was, he was barely able to discern what his father was saying to him. “Oh, you do have some fight left in you after all, don’t you?” A smile formed on his father’s face as he watched Severus.
That smile scared him more than the restriction on his neck. It was one thing to choke someone; it was another thing to smile at them while it happened. There was no remorse in Tobias’s eyes; only cruel, sick satisfaction, as Severus desperately tried to get the hands off of his neck.
It felt like Severus’s lungs were on fire. His strangled gasps were loud in the room—or maybe just his head—but he didn’t feel like he was getting any air. His head was starting to feel like it might explode at any moment, and all he could see now was his father’s sick smile. Actually his mouth was forming. He was talking to Severus, except he couldn’t hear it over the ringing in his ears.
Suddenly, the restriction on his neck was gone. Severus greedily pulled in breath after breath, afraid that they may be taken from him again. The kick to his ribs and subsequent crunch made Severus hiss in pain. He rolled to his back, everything either tingling or hurting, as he took desperate, painful breaths.
Apparently, this was not enough for his father, because he was once again being dragged along the floor, in every sense of the word. He didn’t register the sound of the door opening, but he immediately registered the hard concrete beneath his back as he landed and the beating sun shining down on him.
Severus was still sucking in breaths as he blinked up at the unnaturally blue sky. There wasn’t a single cloud in sight which seemed wrong considering there was a stabbing pain every time Severus breathed, and his throat felt significantly swollen.
Slowly, Severus’s breathing evened out—even if the pain didn’t lessen—and Severus was able to take in his surroundings. His father had thrown him outside. He had choked him then threw him outside. Severus brought trembling hands up to his throat and grimaced in pain. Bruised. Badly. He tried to swallow, but it was full of pain.
Severus stared up at the bright blue sky, until he felt the trembling lessen to a manageable degree. Then, he slowly pushed himself up to his feet. His ribs protested loudly which caused him to hiss in pain. He scanned the area, and the street was blissfully empty. Severus found his feet taking him to the only place he’d ever felt somewhat safe. The playground. Their playground. Him and Lily.
Somehow, there were no kids on the playground either. It felt like a ghost town, but it worked out great for Severus. He plopped himself down under a tree that he and Lily used to climb. That memory was far, far away though as Severus touched his tender ribs.
Severus squeezed his eyes closed as he slowly breathed through the pain, and he stayed like that for a long time. When the pain subsided, his mind drifted elsewhere. His mind was so lost that he didn’t register the approaching footsteps until the person spoke.
“Holy shit, Sev!” Severus flinched at the voice. It took longer than it should have for Severus to place the figure in front of him as Lily. The second he did, his hands came up to cover his neck, which had to be bad, and he refused to look at her.
“Oh my god. What the fuck did he do to you?” Her voice was fearfully high pitched in a way that almost hurt Severus’s head. Her delicate fingers pried his hands away from his neck, and her breath hitched when his hands fell.
“You should-“ Severus made the mistake of trying to adjust his position and hissed at his ribs’ protest. “You should really go home.” His voice was strained and raspy, and Severus couldn’t bear to look at her. He couldn’t look at the girl he was once best friends with, the girl he irrevocably hurt.
“Severus—Fuck—do you even know how bad you look right now?” Her hands were trembling as they gently brushed his neck.
“Thanks, Evans.” Severus almost smirked at Lily’s words, attempting to add some inappropriately timed humor, but his eyes finally flickered her face. Merlin, she was terrified. “No, no. Lily, it’s okay. Really. I’m fine,” Severus tried to reassure her, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. Unfortunately, that only made sense considering he sounded every bit as “strangled by his father” as he felt.
“Severus.” Lily’s voice was pained, and her face was full of a strange sort of grief. Severus wanted to erase this entire interaction from her mind if it would ensure that he’d never see such an expression on her face again. “Can I-“ she paused, “Can I bring you back to my house? I- I think we have some ice, or something.”
Merlin only knew how badly Severus wanted to say yes—wanted to let her take care of him. Instead, he turned his face away and whispered, “I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” He wouldn’t have believed himself in a million years with how his words came out. His eyes were focused back on the ground. Severus had to control his breathing to ensure he didn’t take too big of a breath and hiss from the stabbing pain.
He didn’t want to reinforce whatever belief Lily must have had about him being weak.
“Severus. Stop being stubborn,” Lily said sharply, but her hand was gentle as it wrapped around his upper arm. The complete opposite of his father’s bruising grip earlier this morning. “They’re- They’re not home. My parents and Petunia. It’d just be us.”
Severus never claimed to be a strong man. He would actually say the opposite. He would say that he was selfish, greedy, and entirely self-serving, so it really shouldn’t have been a surprise that Severus gave it so quickly to Lily. “Yeah, okay,” Severus mumbled.
Lily carefully helped him stand, and she made no comment when Severus hissed and put a hand over his ribs. For that, he was thankful. They walked to Lily’s house in silence, but Lily’s arm remained wrapped around his.
As Lily unlocked her front door, she spoke, “I know,” she paused as she pushed open the door, “I know we’re not really friends anymore-“
Severus couldn’t help himself, he cut her off, “Lily, I’m so sorry. I swear I regret that everyday. I-“
Then, Lily returned the favor, cutting him off before he could start rambling, “I don’t care. Well, I do. I’m glad that you regret it, but- but that doesn’t mean anything right now.” She huffed out a frustrated breath, but anxiety was wrapping its fingers around Severus’s throat, replacing his father’s hands.
“What I’m trying to say is just because we’re- we’re not friends, or whatever, doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you,” she rushed through. Severus stared at her for a few moments, both in surprise and confusion. “I just- I want you to know that you can always come to me if- if anything happens.” Lily vaguely gestured at Severus.
Severus swallowed his anxiety down and—almost involuntarily—a mask of indifference slipped onto his face. He wasn’t weak. “Thanks, but I don’t particularly need your help,” his raspy voice countered the coldness he was trying to put in his words. Immediately, Severus wanted to force the words back down his throat. Lily was telling him that she still cared about him, and this is how he expressed his gratitude?
“Fuck, Sev. Why do you always have to make this so unnecessarily hard?” Lily waved her hands in frustration, and Severus had to tense to keep himself from backing away.
Lily abruptly turned away from Severus and left him standing awkwardly in her living room. He shifted his weight back and forth as he waited for her to come back or tell him what to do. He wasn’t welcomed here anymore. Not really.
Then, he heard the opening and closing of her refrigerator, and he understood. She was getting him ice. When she returned, he spoke before she could. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be difficult.” It’s a hoarse whisper, but it’s an apology, something he does not give often.
To anyone but Lily, that is.
Her face softened as she held out the ice pack. “I know.” As he took it, she continued talking, “It’s certainly not going to help as much as a potion or paste would, but it should do something at least.” She looked anxious. Severus bit his lip, regretful for having gotten her involved even if it was an accident.
“Can I-“ Severus took a breath to push down the fear that now accompanied asking for anything. Something that had gotten much worse over this summer. “Do you mind if I take a look?” Severus pointed in the direction of the bathroom.
“Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. Come with me,” she waved him to follow her. He didn’t need directions, but he wasn’t entirely sure that was the point anyway.
She leaned against the door frame as he walked in and flicked on the light. His heart sank as he stared into the mirror, the ice pack falling to the ground. The first thing he noticed were his eyes. They were terribly bloodshot, and he was confused about how he could still see so clearly.
Then, he saw his neck. He raised a—now trembling—hand up to brush the dark purple bruises that wrapped around his throat like a necklace. “Merlin,” Severus breathed as he leaned forward. He could nearly see every one of his father’s fingers imprinted on his skin. Ridiculously, Severus thought it looked closer to being made of finger paint than caused by internal bleeding.
“You see my concern, Severus?” Lily asked quietly from the door. Severus simply nodded in response; his eyes refused to leave the stark bruises encasing his neck. His fingers shakily traced each finger of the bruises.
Severus slowly dropped his hand, and he considered asking Lily to look away. He didn’t. Instead, he tried to ignore her as he gently pulled up the hem of his shirt. He heard her gasp, but it was overshadowed by his own. His ribs matched his neck in their intensity except there was no distinct shape. Instead, it was like sporadic bursts of purple.
He gently pressed where his pain was concentrated, and he squeezed his eyes closed as pain seared beneath his touch. “Severus,” Lily’s voice was sorrowful, likely pitying, but that didn’t bother Severus at the moment because her gentle touch on his shoulder helped distract him from the pain.
Severus blinked his eyes open to look into Lily’s, and it took him a few moments to realize she was crying. “Oh no, Lils, don’t cry,” Severus tried. “It’ll be okay. Really, I’m fine.” He knew his words wouldn’t help as soon as he said them; they actually seemed to make her cry harder.
Severus dropped the edge of his shirt, which he had clung to during his pain, and he reached out for her. “Come here,” he said with as much softness as his raspy voice could muster, but he didn’t move closer. He wanted to leave the choice entirely to her. He wasn’t sure he’d want to hug someone that had so thoroughly hurt him, no matter how beaten and bruised they were.
Severus was almost shocked when she walked into his arms without hesitation. He wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders as her arms hung loose around his middle. “I know, Lils. I know.”
He didn’t know. He knew she was worried and maybe sad for him, but he wasn’t sure exactly what was causing her to cry.
Severus spoke to her, “I’m so sorry. Not about this. Well, about involving you, yeah, but not about it happening of course. I can’t- I can’t control that.” Severus nearly wanted to strangle himself again as he stumbled through an idiotic explanation.
He huffed out a breath before speaking again, “I’m sorry about what happened. I never, ever should have called you such a nasty name. I shouldn’t have even been using it.” Severus sighed before he continued, “You know me, Lils. You know that I don’t like people thinking I’m- I’m weak, and I don’t know. I guess that’s how you saving me made me feel—made me think you felt.” He hurried to continue, “That’s no excuse! Of course. I just- I guess I felt embarrassed and kind of hurt, and I hurt you because of that.” Severus hugged Lily tighter, noticing briefly that her cries had quieted.
He laid his chin on the top of her head. “I think about it all the time. Merlin, every time I think of you, I am full of nothing if not regret. You are the only person who has ever truly cared for me, Lils. I am a fucking fool for messing that up.” She looked at him in surprise at his use of a curse word which made Severus let out a small chuckle.
“That’s what gets your attention? Not me pouring out my feelings to you?” Severus teased, but when Lily smiled at him, he returned it.
“Well, yeah! I thought you were too articulate for such profanity,” Lily mocked. Her eyes were still glassy, but she stopped crying. Severus would allow himself to be mocked by her for eternity if it could prevent her from crying like that again.
Then, Lily’s smile faded from her face. “It’s- It’s not okay, but you know that. It’s- I accept your apology. Truly, I do. Yes, you hurt me, but I could never stay mad at you, Severus. I understood immediately why you had done it, and I’m sorry I made you think that I believed you to be weak.” Severus’s eyes were starting to water at Lily’s words; she was forgiving him. Her hands gently cupped his jaw, and Severus wanted to burst into tears.
“You are the strongest person I have ever known, Severus. I know you don’t tell me everything that goes on, and I fucking hate that by the way. But, Severus, I’m not stupid; I can see it. I can see what your father does to you, what the Marauders do to you, hell even what the other Slytherins do to you. I know you, Severus, and I know what it looks like when you’re hurt, even if I don’t know what exactly it’s from. You’re so strong, Severus, and I have never and will never think of you as weak.”
Severus did burst into tears. As Lily spoke, his face crumbled, and his shoulders shook. When she finally stopped, Severus pressed his face into his neck and hugged her tight. He was trembling and getting her top wet with tears, but she didn’t seem to mind as she carefully rubbed his back and whispered comforts to him.
“I miss you so much, Lils,” Severus croaked out eventually. He felt her take a deep breath.
“I miss you too, Sev.” He trembled at her words.
He nearly let out a whine as she pulled away from him. “We’ve got to try and ice your neck, Sev,” she said gently as she bent and picked up the sweating ice pack. She ran it under some cold water to clean it before pressing it into his hands. “Let’s go to my room.”
As Severus followed silently behind Lily, he became incredibly grateful that he had never expressed any romantic desire for her while they were friends. He was relieved that he didn’t have to explain that whole realization to her on top of everything else.
Lily gestured to her bed as she bent down in front of her record player. Severus sat on her bed and watched her carefully pick a vinyl to play. He moved back to lean against the headboard as the first notes rang out of whatever she deemed the right pick. Severus didn’t know the song; he was never a big music person.
“Ice,” Lily reminded gently before she climbed onto the bed and laid her head on his thighs. Severus brought the ice he’d nearly forgotten he was holding to his ribs. He figured the bruises around his neck were a bit of a lost cause with how they stretched around his entire neck, and his cracked rib seemed like a bigger priority.
Then, Lily started to talk in a soft voice. Nothing about their fight, or his bruises, or their repaired friendship. She just talked about whatever else she could think of, and that was familiar.
It was incredibly familiar because that’s what she would normally do when he could escape his house. She would act as a distraction because she could do nothing else for him. Typically he wasn’t sporting a necklace of bruises, but the ribs weren’t too uncommon.
Severus relaxed and his eyes slipped closed as he listened to Lily’s voice. The tension that had most likely been in his muscles since they had stopped being friends slowly released. He was with Lily once more, and she would never hurt him. He was safe.