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Jungsu had to squint his eyes when he saw a familiar black-haired boy, crouching in the street with his hand drawing a random pattern on the ground. He knew exactly who it is by just looking at the grey jacket the younger wears. Jungsu knew it too much. He used to see the boy wearing it all the times as if it’s the only jacket he have.
What is he doing here?
Just in time Jungsu questioning the boy’s existence, a call came from his friend.
“Hey Jungsu, are u coming with us or not?”
Ah, right. He just came out from the bar with his co-workers and planning to head back to the studio, getting some work on their song’s done. Jungsu hesitated for once. He could just walk away leaving that boy behind, pretending isn’t seeing things. Not until Jungsu saw the boy’s sneezing while his body shivers—probably because of the night cold.
“Uh, you guys go ahead. I think I left my wallet.” His friend shrugged.
“Alright then, don’t take too long. You know the song cant finished the work by itself.” Jungsu just nodded and wave at them.
He approach the boy whose still pointing at whatever below him. Jungsu could tell that he’s drunk. His cheeks flushed. His slight puffy eyes blinks slowly. His thick cherry-lips pouting. Jungsu admit it he still looks cute even in the lack of light.
What the fuck am I thinking? Jungsu shove that thought out of his head. Walking closer towards the crouching boy.
“How long have you been here?” The boy raised his head, squinted his eyes to look at whoever person talking to him right now.
“Do I know you?” Jungsu frowned. He must be really drunk to see clearly.
“Are you waiting for someone?” Instead of answering the boy’s question, Jungsu asked him back. Now it’s the boy’s turn to be frowned.
“I’m sorry, if we don’t know each others please leave me alone.”
“It’s cold out here, let’s get you back home.” Jungsu reached for his wrist only for him to be brushed-off.
“Please, get lost.” Jungsu sighed. He joined to crouch down in front of the boy.
“Jiseok, let’s go home. You’re going to catch cold if you stay any longer.” The cute boy widened his eyes.
“How do you know my name?” Jungsu just laughed. His hand goes to Jiseok’s head to ruffle his hair.
“Come on, you’re drunk.” Jiseok shake his head.
“Sorry I’m waiting for my boyfriend, Jungsu.” Jungsu blinked. Gosh, Jiseok really need to rest his head.
“I think your boyfriend couldn’t make it here. How about we head back without him?”
“No, I waited for like thirty minutes. I’m sure he’s coming, sooner or later.” Jungsu widened his eyes. Does jiseok even remember that they’re not together anymore? What if Jungsu didn’t come to the bar tonight and found Jiseok stranded here? How much longer he’d spent waiting?
“By the way, you really look like my boyfriend Jungsu. You might be his twin!” Jiseok blurted out of nowhere. Jungsu had no choice but sighed. Without his consent, Jungsu pulled Jiseok to be carry on the back of Jungsu’s.
“Hey! Excuse me, please put me down!” Jiseok panicked when his feet can’t reach the ground.
“Apparently your Jungsu is busy. He told me to bring you home.”
“Wait, really? That’s suck. Jungsu would never made me wait this long. I wonder what makes him so busy.” Jiseok muffled his face on Jungsu’s neck. Jungsu just staring at the street.
If only things didn’t get complicated, is Jiseok still his boyfriend?
Are their broke up even necessary?
Jungsu have been questioning every night.
If only he could control his emotion that night. If only he could lower his ego. If only he could spare some time for Jiseok. If only–
“Beside you look like Jungsu, you smell like him too. Are you guys share the same perfume?” Jiseok starts sniffing Jungsu’s hooded sweater.
Jungsu just chuckled at it. “Haha maybe we are…”
They stopped at where Jungsu parked his motorcycle. Jungsu bring Jiseok down next to it. He didn’t expect to give someone a ride, so he ended up giving his helmet to Jiseok.
“Give me your hands.” Right before Jungsu run his motorcycle, he reach for Jiseok’s hands. Then he put them on his front pocket of his sweater. “It might be a little cold.”
Jiseok just hummed behind the helmet. “Jungsu do this too whenever we go for a night ride with his motorcycle. I love it when occasionally he will hold my hand inside his pocket. Too bad he can’t pick me up tonight. I miss him so much”
The sudden confession Jiseok blurted was enough to make Jungsu’s heart ached. No, it shouldn’t be like this.
“I miss you too. Always.” Jungsu whispered silently. “Hold on tight.” He hold Jiseok hands tightly before finally drive through the night wind.
The whole ride is filled with silence and the sound of Jungsu’s motorcycle. They drive on a normal speed. Not too fast, not too slow. Enough for them to cherish the night breeze. Jungsu’s mind was flew to the memory of him and Jiseok’s fighting. It’s all his fault.
Their relationship hasn’t been good lately. The lack of communication made it worse. He was too busy for preparing the artist comeback from a company where he work. And in the same time Jiseok just got fired from his job in some cafe. Just when Jiseok is at his lowest, the only person he needed so much ghosted him. For some freaking week. Jiseok has had enough.
He came to the studio where he knew exactly Jungsu were. After he found the person he’s been searching for, he froze. There—his boyfriend Jungsu, laughing with a girl at the company’s cafeteria. The sudden meet made Jungsu taken aback and quickly hold Jiseok wrist to drag him to the emergency stairs. Jungsu questioning Jiseok’s sudden appearance and ended up start a fight.
“Jungsu, I know I shouldn’t be bothering you since you told me you’re busy. But is it wrong if I ask for your attention? Every time I text you, you never answer. Didn’t you said communication is key? And now what, having the best time of your life with a new companion, huh? Bet you didn’t even know I just got fired.” Jiseok vomits what’s been on his mind these past weeks.
“Jiseok, we’re already talked about this. She’s just one of my co-workers. It’s not like I’m cheating.”
None of them lowered their ego. Both of them were in a bad state. And that’s where Jungsu said things he would forever regret.
“Fuck it up, Jiseok. I’m done with this. I have recording after this and I don’t have time to listen to you nagging” Jiseok stare at disbelief.
“Huh, you don’t even bother to listen. Okay, fine. If that’s what it should be done, then I want to end this.” Tears flooded in his eyes. He left Jungsu all alone.
Jungsu didn’t even try to chase him. Why r u being such a loser right now?
“Shit.” Jungsu punch his hand to the wall. Its too late now that Jiseok has gone. He blame whatever words escape his mouth earlier.
He tried to text him back, said he’s sorry. Only for him to get blocked on every socials. He came to Jiseok’s apartment, but he never answer the bell. Several attempts he does and the result is rejection and rejection. Straightforward saying he can’t be disturbed right now. And Jungsu gave up chasing him. He hasn’t saw the younger until tonight.
And without realizing, they’re now arrive on Jiseok’s apartment.
Jungsu helps Jiseok get off from his motorcycle. He guide Jiseok to his floor. Jungsu didn’t even need to ask where is Jiseok’s room, what floor he had to choose on the lift. He remember it all too well. The walk on the hallway filled with silence. Jiseok hand clings to Jungsu’s arm to support his unsteady steps.
And when they arrive in front of Jiseok’s apartment door, Jungsu entered the password which Jiseok didn’t even bother to change since their breakup. It remains the same.
Jungsu’s chest ached when he saw the same living room. The same plush on the couch Jungsu got from their night market date, a prize for Jiseok. The same Hangyodon doll sitting politely in the tv desk, with bunch of stacked video games Jiseok loved to collect. And in the corner, black les paul that looks like its never touch a speck of dust. Jiseok had never change. Jiseok is still the Jiseok’s who Jungsu adore the whole time. Right after Jungsu closed the front door, a tug of Jungsu’s sleeve stopped him.
“Jungsu…” there’s a pause between Jiseok’s word. He hesitate before finally said–
“I… miss you.” Jiseok stare down at the floor while holding Jungsu’s wrist.
Jungsu raise his eyebrow. Seems like the alcohol effect has lessen a bit.
“Can we back to where things goes right?” Jungsu remained silent. He could’ve answer a yes and apologize for his reckless act. But then again, He remained silent.
“Answer me.” Jungsu looked down. His eyes can’t even look straight to Jiseok’s eyes, nor his throat can’t even say a single word.
“Can we fix what we broke yesterday? Can we fix us?”
Jungsu hesitate. “I-i… fear we can’t.”
“What? Why? What makes you so hard to try? What’s the point of gave up on us?”
Jungsu can clearly see Jiseok’ eyes glistening in tears.
“Do you still love me?” Jiseok asked him.
“I do and will always do.” Jungsu whisper in the silent living room.
“Then why are you ruined things and leave it all behind like that? Do you think it will get better soon as the time passes by? Why do I feel like I’m the only one who gave an effort to our relationship? Why does it feels like it’s a one-sided love?” Jiseok let it all out. He bawled at Jungsu who cupped Jiseok’s cheek and brush away the tears with his thumbs.
“No, please know that it’s never a one-sided. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you for the second time.”
“You’re so selfish, Jungsu.”
“I know. Im sorry.”
Jungsu knew if he persist in this delicate relationship, It would worsened the situation. And he’s not ready for the worst case, breaking up again. He didn’t want to hurt Jiseok for another time. And being apart is the best solution.
“I hate you.”
Jungsu’s gaze unwavering.
“I’m sorry.”
“How many sorry you’ve been saying all this time? And do you realize how many times you repeat the same mistake?” Every word that came from Jiseok’s mouth, somehow stabbed him.
“I hate you, I hate us, I hate this. I wish I didn’t met you at the first place.” And Jungsu knows he fucked up. Jiseok would never said that if only he could be responsible with his act. But its all too late.
“Ji—”
“Leave.”
It’s final. Jiseok won’t accept another apologize and promises. And Jungsu understand it. Even if its means he won’t be able to see Jiseok’s full of love eyes again. Will never get to hug him whenever times were hard. And no more sharing the sweetest kiss under the moonlight then tangled to each other until they drifted to sleep.
And Jungsu hoped. That at the end of the day, he will always be the one whose Jiseok rely on.