Work Text:
The Lin household. There it stood.
Its presence was imposing despite being a familiar sight for over four years now. Its shades of beige and white looked dull beneath the cover of thick grey clouds that had settled over Golden Grove.
It matched the current mood well. Where it was a day where nothing had gone right for the ones who tried to live through its weight.
Next to that house was a path that led into a place that had become less familiar in the years leading up to teenhood. The backyard, where Qiu’s fort once stood as a beacon of childhood innocence. Now with its worn wood and creakier steps, it was instead a painful reminder of what once was.
Tamarack tightens her hold around the single strap of her bag, unable to calm the tension in her hands as she lets the leather strain tightly against her palms. She stood there with her boots planted firmly against the ground. She should go, turn around, and take a brisk walk back to her house. She should forget she ever tried this.
But she couldn’t leave. Not with Mrs. Lin’s voice living on in her head.
Tamarack can still hear her worry and feel her love for a child that seems so far away despite just being in the backyard. Tamarack had knocked just twenty minutes ago and Mrs. Lin had pulled the door open expecting Qiu, and found Tamarack instead. Of course she let the young girl in, exchanging pleasantries with her before Tamarack cut to the chase politely and asked about Qiu, asking if everything was alright with them and the family.
And Tamarack remembers the way Mrs. Lin just looked at her, in a way where she was deciding whether it would be better to lie kindly to protect her childhood or to spill the truth. And Mrs. Lin chose the latter.
“We don’t know what to do, Tamarack. They won’t talk to us, they won’t open up, and we’re so…”A hand coming upon her shoulder stops Mrs. Lin’s rambles. The touch of Mr. Lin by her side is barely a comfort amidst the shared sea of worry they navigate for their child. She turns her head and meets his eyes, and it's then when they say so much with just a look at each other.
Mrs. Lin takes a deep and calming breath before she looks back at the small girl before her. She wears her usual face of calmness, but a mother’s worry is prevalent in the storm of her eyes.
“Please help them. If you can.”
Tamarack had initially knocked to just quickly check in on Qiu after what had happened at school. But the situation had evolved to something far beyond just a simple check in. Her expectation was to say hi, be turned away, then be back in her room in less than ten minutes.
Even if she wanted to stay and be there for Qiu like she used to be.
With a small breath, Tamarack takes the first timid steps into Qiu’s backyard. The autumn leaves at her feet greet her approach with a crispy sound that’s comfortingly familiar. It was Golden Grove’s specific crunch when autumn came. And she knew it well since she was ten years old, galloping through the forest like she owned it. It’s what she needs right now as she braces herself for the upcoming cold wall that has become Qiu Lin.
Tamarack had no idea how to handle her approach with each fresh step she takes. Something direct? She might scare them off. Something lighthearted? Too casual. They weren’t close like that anymore. They haven’t been for awhile despite the brief moments shared that might’ve made Tamarack think otherwise. Things like the half smiles exchanged before homeroom, or the rare afternoons when Franky had gotten them both in the same room without things feeling utterly wrong.
Alone was simply the way to go for Qiu nowadays, and without Franky here, that would continue to be the case. Their friend in the middle just made things easier when they were there. They helped smooth the frayed lines of communication between the two on opposite ends of the street and budding teenage life.
Mrs. Lin had told her that Qiu was up in their fort, and they’d been there a while from what she was told. Long enough that the old wood had probably gone cold beneath them. Tamarack could only imagine them sitting there with their knees pulled in, staring at nothing in particular. Sitting with something heavy weighing down on their shoulders like it was the world itself.
It wasn’t long before Tamarack caught her first glimpse of Qiu up in their fort. They didn’t hear Tamarack coming until the leaves gave her away. From below, Tamarack saw the shift in Qiu’s posture. There was a subtle lift of their shoulders, a tilt of their chin toward the sharp sound breaking the silence.
Something moved across their face, it was a shadow of hope aimed at something that wasn’t there, or rather, someone. It was a hope that the sound was coming from Franky. But it wasn’t Franky, it was Tamarack Baumann, the girl with the braces and the plucked eyebrows. The girl with the sparkling hair that didn’t belong in any of the constellations in town.
Qiu’s expression closed like a door swinging shut at the realization. It wasn’t exactly a scowl that came from them, it was simply a dismissal at the truth that lay bare before their eyes.
Tamarack found the sight of it to be a sting in her chest. And it stung more than it should have. But Tamarack was used to that kind of hurt, she was used to that kind of gaze. She recognized that hurt and pressed on anyway. Even as her steps began to drag tighter and slower through the leaves.
By the time Tamarack stopped beneath the fort, Qiu’s usual politeness was barely there. It shouldn’t be like this. They’d at least tolerate her in groups until they were alone, before they would then leave. But right now, that tolerance was instead a wall, their body language was guarded with their arms drawn in and their shoulders angled away.
Qiu’s gaze sharpened from the brief second their eyes met, “What are you doing here?” Despite the measly attempt at being polite, they obviously weren’t tolerating anyone in their backyard today, especially neighbors like Tamarack.
But Tamarack stood tall, rooted in place so she could challenge the gates standing before her. “I wanted to check up on you.” For a moment she fidgets, then steadies herself to stand tall once more. “I wanted to see if you’re okay?”
Tamarack’s care earns her an impassive shrug of Qiu’s shoulders. Their eyes find a random spot in the wooden railing more interesting to look at rather than Tamarack. “Well here I am.”
The brief and short-lived attempt at conversation was awkward. It was the specific kind of awkwardness that dragged against Tamarack’s skin until she felt jittery. A frown comes upon her face at the dry, uninterested response. She had half-expected it despite hoping otherwise, and cursed herself to be a fool to have hoped for anything else.
Tamarack’s lips flattened. Then she opens them wide, raising her voice so it can reach Qiu up in their hideout. “I wanted to really check up on you!”
The loud, honest statement earned Tamarack a raised eyebrow from Qiu. Silence hangs before Qiu makes a show of being “fine.” With them spreading their arms to let Tamarack see how fine they really are. And Qiu says as much, “You checked and I’m fine. See?”
A grumble leaves Tamarack, “Qiu.” She remains firm despite the mild waver to her voice, and Qiu just grumbles back at her.
“Fine is fine, Tamarack. What’re you even doing here?”
“I told you! I’m here to check up on you.” The tip of Tamarack’s boot digs nervously into the yellow grass at her feet before she adds on for more explanation. “I saw you at school and-and you didn’t look okay after class.” She faltered and finished lamely. “So… yeah.”
It all sounds stupid to her own ears when she says it outloud, Tamarack’s never checked up on Qiu when they weren’t looking okay. That had always been Franky’s territory, that was Franky’s business. Tamarack wasn’t even sure she had the right to even try.
Qiu just stares at her. And they stared long enough that it felt like a real, honest look for a few seconds. For another second, their face softened ever so slightly. Enough that Tamarack notices and her chest lifts with hope.
But something sparks to life suddenly in their irises, and Tamarack realizes too late that it is a fire that burns.
“Mom and dad sent you.”
The words make the chill in the air suddenly seep past Tamarack’s sweater and into the warm heart she was trying to share with Qiu. She’s silent long enough that Qiu shatters the silence with a sharp click of their tongue. “I knew it. Why else would you be here if not because of that?”
Tamarack reels from the words and weakly croaks, “That’s not fair.” Her own voice comes out smaller than she intended. She had tried, she really did. Visible hurt moved across her features before she caught herself and ducked her head to hide it. Her voice went softer. “I wanted to… That’s not…” She had nothing to say, and any further attempts she made fell completely flat.
The genuine hurt in Tamarack’s voice gave Qiu pause. Whatever they had left to add on died quickly as their lips stayed parted, before closing into a thin line. When Tamarack finally looked back up, an emotion that looked almost like regret moved quickly and unwelcome across their face. Before it disappeared completely as they looked away from Tamarack’s wet eyed gaze.
“...sorry.” The apology was weak, but it was honest. Tamarack stood there another moment and realized futilely that the conversation was over. There was nothing left to do, no cracks to look for to try and open so she could reach Qiu.
So Tamarack nodded meekly. A thick, slow motion before she exhaled quietly and turned to go. The leaves crunched under the shift of her weight. The walk back up the lane was going to be agonizing. The embarrassment she’d feel in returning to her room with nothing to show for it except hurt. She kept her eyes on the ground and didn’t dare to look back, even though she wanted to.
Tamarack should have looked back. Because Qiu’s hand lifted. Just barely reaching towards her. Their mouth opened on the start of something, starting on the shape of a word that could reach Tamarack.
Plop.
The first raindrop landed on the yellow grass beside Tamarack’s boot. Then another landed louder on the wooden railing of the fort. Then another, until it became a steady torrent. Steady and decided, and unwilling to leave anytime soon.
Tamarack looked up at the sky and tried not to cry. She felt miserable like this, her outfit beginning to stain in the rain as droplets caught in her hair. It was going to frizz, the hair she fussed over so much was going to frizz and be ruined.
She was about to reach for her umbrella until she heard a voice through the increasing speed of the rain. “You’ll get soaked,” Qiu’s voice came from the fort, gruff and a little uncertain, but loud regardless. “The roof doesn’t look too bad,” They added quickly. They glanced at the interior of the fort and back down at her. “You can wait it out up here. If you want. I don’t mind.”
Qiu had already apologized, but this was a true olive branch extended to her. And Tamarack took it with only a second more of hesitating. Rushing up to Qiu after nodding, she climbed slowly as the steps creaked in all the same places she remembered.
Qiu even helped her up by extending a hand. When their hands brushed, it felt oddly electric. A touch that hadn’t existed for years sparked once more under the wet cold. And it was gone as soon as it came, with Qiu retracting their hand when Tamarack got her bearings to pat it against their leg. Tamarack mimicked the gesture against her slightly wettened leggings in a more meek motion.
Inside, the fort was smaller than what Tamarack’s memory remembered. That was always how it went. Where the places of childhood shrank when you grew. The wood on the railing was worn smooth in the places small, grubby hands had gripped the most. And somewhere on the floor, a star had been scratched into the wood. Tamarack remembers who had done it: Qiu. With that night they wished on shooting stars together with Franky and her.
Tamarack sat with a deliberate distance between herself and Qiu, with her back against the opposite wall. They had retreated together into the parts of the fort where the rain wouldn’t reach them, and it didn’t, even with the small space. The rain only attacked them in light mists as Golden Grove was showered in the grey gloom.
For a long while, neither of them said anything. The silence wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable. It was only bearable in a way the silence outside hadn’t been. And Qiu broke it first.
“I’m sorry. Really.” Qiu’s second apology was so quiet that the sound of it was nearly lost against the noise of rain. “What I said about my parents sending you…” They picked at a splinter in the floor beside them and wouldn’t look at her. “That was unfair. I know you wouldn’t just… I don’t know.”
Tamarack’s chest warmed. She squirmed against the wall and tucked her chin against the tops of her knees in protection and in wait. “It’s okay,” came her automatic answer, a half truth and half lie.
Qiu shook their head adamantly, “It’s not.”
Tamarack felt taken aback by Qiu’s refusal, but then nodded once. “No… But it’s okay anyway.”
What Tamarack said landed somewhere in Qiu’s chest. Tamarack could tell by the way Qiu’s shoulders settled. Less like a drawn bow and more like the easygoing person she knew them to be.
The quiet continued to stretch after that, and this time, it was comfortable. It was still drenched in a slight, awkward gloom, but it was as close to comfortable for the two of them. The rain even made a rhythm without meaning to, and Tamarack and Qiu sat in it together and cherished it in their own quiet ways.
Tamarack thought about what she wanted to say and whether it was right to say. Her lips parted, then closed. She settled on just being present. Sometimes that was enough. Sometimes she didn’t need to say anything despite her need to say something.
But Qiu relieved her of that worry and talked first. It wasn’t all at once, it was in pieces. The way someone talked when they’d been carrying something too long before finally letting it go in the right place and the right time.
Tamarack tensed. She already knew part of what had happened. She’d seen it from across the hall and despite not knowing the full story, she’d at least gotten the general idea. Qiu had talked with someone. Before Qiu went from their usual composed self to snapping at whatever they had talked about with this person. She had only caught the aftermath really, seen the top of their head walk away fast from whoever they were just talking to. Their head had been down in a way that screamed do not follow.
The specifics, Tamarack found, were worse and more ordinary than she expected. It was the fault of another student. An offhanded question that started from a normal conversation about class, to an argument involving phrases like but technically or biologically you’re…
It was one of those many things people use when they think they’re phrasing things as a harmless question, but shaping the tip of it like a spear aimed for your heart. It had slowly turned into a back and forth after that. An ugly, loud one that got louder than Qiu had meant for it to. Because Qiu had heard themselves. Heard the edge in their own voice and seen the expression on the other kid’s face. And they wanted to take it back, not for the other kid’s sake, but because that wasn’t how they wanted to do it.
That wasn’t them. None of it. The yelling, the anger, and the spite.
“I know who I am,” Qiu finished the story with a quiet, but firm statement. “I think I do, at least.” Their eyes were on the rain outside, past the railing, past Tamarack, and towards something only they could see. “I know I’m not a boy. And I know that thinking about being a boy feels…”
“Wrong.”
Qiu took Tamarack’s silence as a sign to continue. They melted when they met her eyes that were so soft and caring. “Have you ever felt like things just didn’t feel right?” The tips of their nails scratched absently at the spot where the splinter used to be, now torn from the wood and hanging uselessly on the floor. “And you try to tell people that. But they don’t listen. They don’t understand.”
The rain got harder. “And I see it when they look at me.” Qiu’s voice frayed at that admission. “Like they’re still looking for someone that isn’t there anymore. Like they’re just waiting for me to go back to being-” They stopped completely, their hands went still, and their face dropped into their knees as they brought their arms up around their legs to hold. “I don’t know.”
Across the fort like this, hunched on the other wall, Qiu Lin looked small despite how much presence they had in every room, even when they were quiet. Tamarack found her voice and let it rise gently, “You don’t have to explain all of it, I don’t think you’re wrong about yourself.”
Qiu lifted their head and looked at Tamarack with a cautious look that was analyzing her expression.
Their gaze felt like a spotlight aimed at Tamarack that she wasn’t ready for. She met their gaze with as much strength as she could muster in the moment, with a soft, wide smile and slightly flushed cheeks, “Really! You’re you and you’re well… amazing. Because you’re you.”
Her admission stayed heavy and honest in the air. With Qiu looking shocked and even touched by what she said. Tamarack who was one of the people that's been there for them in her own way always despite their differences.
They kept looking at each other until Qiu looked away. Tamarack took that as a sign to move a little closer, to crawl over to where Qiu was. When she reached them, she didn’t go all the way. Not enough to crowd Qiu or make this moment into something that wasn’t. Tamarack was just closer, and she settled with a soft grunt against the railing next to Qiu.
Tamarack briefly thought about reaching for their shoulders. She considered it seriously and almost acted on it before deciding that Qiu’s space wasn’t hers to reach yet. Not today, maybe not ever. She just kept her hands to herself.
Qiu looked at the space between them and something in their expression shifted. “Thanks for saying that.” A half smile stretched on their lips before they murmured, “I’m glad you’re here. Even if it’s just because you just wanted to check in on me, and because of my parents and the rain.”
Tamarack found herself snorting slightly. A sound she muffled against her fist. “It’s not because of the rain, y’know.”
“I know.” Qiu’s smirk widened.
The rain kept going in a steady and unhurried beat. Tamarack dimly wondered how her Omi and Opa would fare in the rain since they were going on an outing to a cafe. They would be back soon, since it was four in the afternoon. With the sky having given up on pretending it was going to clear anytime soon. Golden Grove in October usually did this, usually made the world a little smaller and more real.
Tamarack looked out past the railing, out to where Qiu was looking. A fuzzy, sense of deja vu came to her. The way she was sitting, the sound of the rain, even Qiu by her side triggered it. She blinked and rubbed her eyes as she tried to catch the memory like a firefly moving away from her in the dark.
And with a small laugh, she remembered. “Do you remember when your mom drove the three of us… you, me, Franky, back from that school event? We were eleven, I think!” She remembers more and more with a lilt to her voice that was utterly cheerful. She wanted to remember this, while they were still here together in a bubble of warmth.
“It was raining then too and she made us finish our snacks in the car before we got out because she didn’t want our food to get all wet. We had a lot cause Mrs. Murray had a lot of extra that nobody got so we just stuffed them in our arms and raced to your mom’s van!”
That warmth and cheer that was already there in Qiu’s expression washed over the melancholy, bits of it were still there, but this was Qiu Lin back to their usual. “Franky still got out anyway.”
“Because Franky is Franky,” They agreed and said together with shared giggles. It wasn’t a full lightening of the mood. The afternoon was still the same as ever. Qiu was still sitting with what they were struggling with, with how their eyes dimmed and looked away in bursts at that faraway spot that still, only they could see.
But it was something.
It was a single note of calm before the weight settled back in full. But at least this time, it would settle in more bearable than before.
Tamarack’s boots tapped against the wood as she remembered more about that memory. Lost in its calm and reverie as she looked up at the roof. Then, she blushed as she blurted out, “I remember too when you let me lean on your shoulder.”
Qiu’s head snapped to the side, staring at Tamarack in shock. That had completely taken them aback before they awkwardly chuckled and rubbed the back of their head “Ohhh yeah! Cause you were tired from all the work we did.”
“That was really nice of you,” Tamarack warmly says before shuffling close. She thought about it for less than a second, before giving in despite her misgivings earlier, leaning sideways and resting her head against Qiu’s shoulder.
It felt both right and wrong. It was a simple, honest thing. A mimicry of that memory that asked for nothing in return. Qiu went still for a moment and Tamarack feared the worst.
Before they stilled, and didn’t pull away.
And for a while, they were just two people. Sitting in safety from the rain with the tip of Tamarack's head right on Qiu's shoulder. A space still hung between their arms, but their hands had shifted close to each other on the worn wood between them. Just close enough to almost brush.
The rain on the fort's roof was the only sound that mattered for a while. Through the railing, Golden Grove's trees kept their same old color. The orange that comforted Tamarack and Qiu too, even if they would only admit it in a quiet burst.
And for a while, Tamarack and Qiu were friends again.
For a while they forgot their troubles. Forgot who they were and who they weren't. Forgot about the day and the years of growing apart that had gotten them here.
For a while, they were just two kids in a fort while it rained.