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Porter never understood why train yards had to be so loud constantly.
During work hours, sure. Diesels were noisy, steam trains huff and puff, and freights weren't exactly known for being quiet when loaded with cargo. Even humans, tiny as they are, could be loud when they congregated for whatever passenger services were running out of Troubadour that day.
But he wished the noise would at least quieten down when the yard settled down for off-duty leisure time.
He sat cross-legged on the edge of a maintenance bench, a clipboard balanced on one knee. Half the form he'd been filling in had become illegible under coal dust and overwritten pencil marks. Porter had rewritten the same maintenance note three times already, erasing it because it never sounded right. He tapped his pencil irritably against the paper as he listened to the diesels roughhousing nearby, wishing they'd go away so he could focus on his job.
He had half a mind to tell them to shut up, but that usually led to jeers about how he had no room to talk, so he kept his mouth shut.
He considered trying to move to another location, but the quietest part of the yard was the coach shed, and the coaches weren't keen on freights at the best of times. Never mind when he was covered in soot because he couldn't bring himself to go clean off until he was sure he'd finished his job.
He was in the middle of rewriting the sentence for the umpteenth time when a burst of laughter rang out from across the yard, followed immediately by the metallic slam of somebody shoulder-checking the edge of a storage shed hard enough to rattle the metal.
Porter's pencil snapped.
He stared down at the broken halves for a moment, taking a deep breath in to try to steady himself, but it was useless when Slick and Lumber wandered past, obnoxiously loud as they snickered about something.
For the briefest moment, he considered getting up and leaving, this task seemed doomed to fail, but the idea turned something in his chest.
Because these were important maintenance checklists. If he didn't fill them out properly, it could lead to something bad. A crash, a derailment, someone could get hurt, and it'd all be his fault because he'd been too irritable to do his job properly.
So he groaned and reached into a desk drawer and pulled out another one, tossing the broken pencil halves over his shoulder.
Above him, the yard tannoy crackled before a voice barked out some scheduling updates for the following morning, making Porter flinch so violently that he flung the damned thing halfway across the maintenance shed.
The pencil clattered loudly against the concrete before skidding beneath a workbench, leaving Porter staring after it, breathing unevenly as his body started to overheat.
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the crackling voice as it droned on, but the noise from the rest of the yard piled on until the sound was too overwhelming, and his head was starting to pound.
"Fucking hell," he muttered under his breath, scrubbing soot-covered fingers down his face before forcing himself to look back at the paperwork.
He'd inspected the switch points three times, and twice with another set of eyes to help because the alignment had looked wrong, and he didn't want to risk it causing issues.
But now he needed to write up the report, and confirm he'd made sure the issue was fixed, but he couldn't figure out how to word it well enough.
What if he missed off some important detail, and something fell through the cracks? Rusty and Hydra were always rushing around without any thought for speed limits these days, and if they derailed, something terrible might happen. Hydra wasn't even allowed to be hump shunted for fear they'd explode. It'd be catastrophic for them if they crashed probably, and he couldn't bear the thought of that happening on his watch.
The tannoy finally clicked off overhead, but the silence only lasted for a second before the yard flooded with noise again. Somebody revved their engine too loud, and Rusty's excited whistle sounded above the din.
It was a noise that normally excited Porter, because it meant his partners were on their way, but right now, it was just another noise on the pile.
He stared at the paper, shaking as he tried to figure out whether it was even worth filling this in right now.
Maybe he should go check the switch point again, and make sure he was getting his details right? That might be the problem, the reason why he couldn't finish this. Because how could he be sure he was remembering right this many hours after he'd put in the maintenance request?
His mind made up, Porter slammed the clipboard down, wincing as the sound shot through him like a gunshot. Before he had a chance to stand up though, he was stopped by the clattering of approaching wheels, a gentle huffing as Rusty slowed down outside, stepping off the rails while loudly bragging about his speed in practice to presumably Hydra.
He glared at the clipboard next to himself, before looking down at his hands, filthy as they were. A burst of shame shot through him at the idea of his partners seeing him in this state, but he didn't have time to rush for the cleaning bays, so he stayed sat, cheeks burning red.
"Hey, Porter, you still in here?" Hydra asked, shoving the door open, pausing in the entrance as they spotted him.
"Yeah." Porter muttered, voice flat. "Yeah, I'm still here, where I always am."
Rusty appeared behind Hydra, wrapping his arms around the hydrogen truck's midsection, grinning as he rested his chin on their shoulder. "You've been cooped up in here all day, you missed practice!" He waved a paper bag in one hand. "I brought you some food from Dinah, we thought you might be hungry."
"I had food," Porter said, staring at the bag that was rustling unreasonably loudly. "Thanks though, you can put it down, I'll eat it when I'm done."
"Stars," Rusty laughed, but the easy humour melted away into concern. "You look like you've been at this all day, you should probably take a break."
Porter forced a smile, but it felt more like he was just baring his teeth like a wild animal.
"I'm nearly done," he said, but it wasn't true.
The report was barely halfway complete, and he'd already rewritten most of it enough times that the paper was close to tearing, which would mean he'd need to rewrite it from the beginning. The wrongness settled in his chest as he glanced at the clipboard.
Rusty stepped around Hydra into the maintenance shed, patting Hydra on the shoulder, his firebox radiating warmth that would normally relax Porter in an instant. Tonight though, it added to the head prickling unpleasantly in his systems.
"Weren't you meant to be done like two hours ago?" Hydra asked, setting a tray of drinks down on the desk next to him. The cardboard carrier scraped against the scratched wooden surface with a sharp sound that made Porter wince.
Rusty wandered closer, probably still riding the high of practice by the look of him. "You know Porter, he's thorough." His smile was broad as he sat down. "Here, eat something so I can tell you about practice." He held out the paper bag, looking relieved when Porter took it and immediately unwrapped the sandwich inside.
"We nearly hit eighty miles per hour on the south bend," Hydra beamed, flopping down on one of the repair beds louder than was probably necessary. "Rusty is getting so quick, we're gonna win the next championship race for sure!"
Porter's head shot up with alarm. "You shouldn't be going that fast on a bend," he chastised them sharply. "That's how you end up crashing! You need to be more responsible!"
Rusty looked at him, looking guilty. "I slowed down on the bend itself, I promise." He kicked a wheel against the floor, deflating slightly. "I slowed for the turn, then sped up as soon as we were straight again."
Porter couldn't listen, his mind racing as he thought of the possibilities. What if Rusty had lost traction and Hydra couldn't uncouple in time? He could lose them both in one crash.
He shook his head, opening his mouth to lecture them more, only to freeze as Rusty leaned against his shoulder, jerking away before he could stop himself.
The movement made Rusty stumble slightly, blinking in surprise as he caught himself from falling over.
"Sorry," Porter apologised immediately, tightening his grip on his sandwich. "My shoulder is still feeling a little rough."
Rusty's expression softened into guilt again. "Shit, sorry."
"It's fine," Porter said quickly, the words flat.
Hydra frowned slightly, eyes flicking between Porter and Rusty, looking worried. They tipped their head to one side. "How long have you been in here?"
"I don't know…"
"Porter," Hydra pressed softly.
He rubbed a hand harshly over his face, closing his eyes. "Since after lunch," he admitted.
Rusty's brows practically shot up to his hairline. "You skipped dinner?"
Porter turned to stare at him. "I said I had food."
"What food?" Hydra asked immediately, looking around. "Dinah said you didn't come to get anything, and I don't see any wrappers around."
Porter hesitated, and Hydra zeroed in on him.
"Porter, what food?" they asked again, standing up. "You barely ate at lunch, and promised us you'd come eat with us. But when we messaged asking where you were, you said you'd go after because you were busy." They looked around the shed again, before turning to him. "So what food have you had?"
The question burrowed into his chest like a parasite, and he scowled at the sandwich Rusty had brought him. He knew they were just worried, logically, and he shouldn't hold it against them. But… did they have to interrogate him?
Before he had a chance to stop himself, he turned his glare onto Hydra. "I don't know, I wasn't exactly paying attention, I was too busy doing my job! Because unlike you, I don't have the luxury of championship money to fall back on!"
His voice came out louder than he intended, the noise bouncing painfully around his head.
Rusty raised both his hands in immediate surrender. "Hey, okay, it's okay."
Porter shut his eyes for a moment, knowing he should apologise, explain he was just overwhelmed and tired. His partners didn't deserve this kind of ire, when they were just trying to look out for him.
But instead, he shook his head. "Can we just… not do this right now?"
Hydra stared at him. "Do what?"
"This." Porter gestured vaguely between them, frustration colouring his voice despite himself. "The hovering, acting like I'm about to derail because I spent a few extra hours doing paperwork."
"A few extra hours?" Hydra repeated incredulously. "Porter, you've been in here all day!"
"Because one of us actually has to do this stuff properly!" Porter snapped, leaping to his feet. "If I don't make sure maintenance is done on time, then terrible things might happen, and I can't risk anyone's safety!"
Rusty frowned now, looking a little confused. "Nobody said you had to do it alone," he tried to reassure, voice soft. His firebox ticked up though, a sign that he was getting upset. "We can help."
Porter laughed dryly. "Right. Because you two are so good at taking care of yourselves."
The second the words left his mouth, the atmosphere changed. Rusty's face fell instantly, looking wounded as he wrapped his arms around his midsection.
"Excuse me?" Hydra hissed, straightening up, expression hardening into a glare.
Porter's chest was tight enough to hurt now. His thoughts were moving too fast, flitting between the noise still going on outside, and now the sound of Rusty's firebox crackling and Hydra's footsteps as they advanced slowly. Every irritation and fear that had been building up inside of him for weeks suddenly clawed upwards.
"You heard me," Porter growled, staring up at Hydra. "Rusty forgets maintenance checks constantly. He has to be practically pinned down to deal with his corrosion so he doesn't get scrapped. You forget to eat unless someone reminds you, because you're too busy with Starlight knows what project."
Hydra narrowed their eyes at him, but Porter couldn't stop himself.
"Neither of you bother to sleep enough, and you don't pay attention to safety limits unless someone's on your ass about it, and somehow you expect me to just stop worrying and hope that'll magically stop you from causing problems?"
Rusty looked like he'd been slapped.
Hydra stopped in place, glaring at him. "That's not fair."
"No," Porter snapped. "What's not fair is me having to think for all three of us all the damn time! For Starlight's sake, Hydra, when are you going to start taking responsibility?"
The words echoed harshly off the metal walls, and Porter just kept yelling.
"Rusty, you push yourself until your systems overheat and I have to call someone to get you to a repair shed. And Hydra, you wander into busy areas because you're distracted half the time with your head in the clouds, and what if something happens to you? If you miss a signal and someone hits you. What then?"
Hydra gaped at him in disbelief. "Do you think we're just helpless?"
"I think you're careless!" Porter shouted, chest heaving, fists clenched by his sides.
Silence crashed down around them after that. Outside noise still filtered through the shed walls, but suddenly it felt muffled beneath the roaring in his own head.
Rusty looked wounded now, in a way that Porter had never seen directed at him, and Hydra was furious, arms folded tightly across their chest as they glared at him.
Finally, Hydra laughed, shaking their head in disbelief. "Wow."
Porter's chest twisted violently as he heard himself, the horrible, venomous words he'd been saying.
Hydra stepped forward slowly. "You know what? Fine. You wanna talk about people not taking care of themselves?" Their voice rose, as they stepped half in front of Rusty. "You don't sleep either, unless me or Rusty drag you to bed for cuddles. Your shoulder's been messed up for weeks, and you still haven't gone in for maintenance. You skipped a meal today because you were busy, and it isn't the first time. So how the hell do you get to stand there judging us?"
Porter opened his mouth to argue, but nothing came out. Because Hydra was right.
"That's different," he protested weakly.
"How?" Hydra asked, torn between concern and fury. "Because from where I'm standing, it doesn't seem all that different."
Porter shook his head, vision going blurry. "Because if I stop paying attention, things go wrong!" He took a step back, lower lip quivering. "If I don't check every detail, you and Rusty will get hurt. I'll lose you, and it'll be all my fault!"
Rusty took a step forward, eyes watery. "Porter…" he whispered, sounding so heartbroken that something cracked in Porter's chest.
Hydra's glare wavered too, fury draining rapidly into alarm as they took a cautious step forward. "Hey," they murmured, brow furrowed. "No one's getting hurt. You know that, right?"
"Not now," Porter sobbed, shaking his head. "But what if I stop checking thoroughly, and then you do get hurt?" His hands were shaking, curled into tight fists, breathing uneven and ragged, no matter how much he tried to steady himself.
Hydra looked back at Rusty, sharing a worried look, before turning back to Porter carefully. "Can I hug you?" They asked, stopping when he shook his head desperately. "Okay, okay, just… it's okay, let it out."
Porter buried his face in his hands, crumpling to his knees on the floor, bending forward until his knuckles pressed into the concrete. He felt so humiliated, crying like this, like he was broken.
Years of tension and fear and responsibility suddenly felt so scarily overwhelming, and the noise was so embarrassing to hear, head pounding so hard he felt nauseous.
Everything tangled together until he couldn't separate one fear from another.
"Porter," Rusty whispered, kneeling in front of him.
Porter curled tighter, shoulders hunching in an attempt to get away from the fear and pity in Rusty's voice. The floor felt freezing against overheated metal.
"I'm sorry," he choked out. "Stars, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean any of it, I just-"
He stopped abruptly, sobbing again as shame crashed over him. He'd yelled at his loves, accusing them of being careless, as if they were burdens instead of stock that he cared about more than anything in the world.
And worst of all was that part of him had meant it.
Maybe he didn't actually think they were helpless, but somewhere along the line, he'd made himself feel responsible for their safety. He'd stopped trusting them to make good choices, instead monitoring them so he could prevent every possible bad outcome before it had a chance to happen.
"I just… I can't stop thinking about things happening to you both all the time," he admitted miserably, peeking up at them both. "I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you. I almost lost Rusty to my selfishness once, and I don't…"
"You don't have to protect us from everything," Rusty said quietly.
Porter laughed bitterly. "Yeah, I do."
"Why?" Rusty asked.
"Because if I stop paying attention and something happens, then I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself…"
"Oh, Porter…" Hydra murmured, expression crumpling.
"I know if sounds insane," Porter whispered hoarsely. "I know it does. I know you can take care of yourselves, logically. I know that, but I just…" He swallowed, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes until white light burst behind them. "My mind never shuts up. Every time Rusty races, I think he's gonna derail. When you forget to eat or sleep, I think you're gonna break down miles away from quick help." He sobbed. "And when I see either of you missed maintenance, I'm terrified you'll die because a fault was missed."
Rusty sniffled, looking seconds from tears too, and Porter just felt guiltier.
"Stars, now I've upset you too," he muttered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"This isn't about us," Rusty interrupted, voice shaking. "Don't worry about us right now, okay?"
Porter wanted to argue, but Rusty shook his head.
"You're killing yourself," Hydra said, bluntly enough that Porter flinched. "You're hurting yourself by trying to keep everyone else alive."
He squeezed his eyes shut hard, fresh shame twisting through him. Because as much as he wanted to argue, and insist that Hydra was overreacting, because he was fine, just tired and stressed and a little overwhelmed. He also knew they were right.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd relaxed properly.
Not really.
Even when he was curled with Rusty and Hydra in bed, warm beneath the blankets, his mind never fully stopped racing. He was always checking Hydra's pressure gauges, and making sure Rusty's fire wasn't getting too low. He'd think about overdue maintenance requests until he passed out from exhaustion.
There was always something. Another thing that could go wrong if he just stopped paying attention.
And he was so, so tired.
The realisation hit him with terrifying clarity, that he was exhausted in a way that sleep didn't fix anymore. He'd been so used to living in his own hypervigilance that he couldn't remember a time before he'd felt responsible for everyone else's safety.
Rusty shifted closer again, taking care not to startle him. The warmth rolling off him was familar and gentle enough to loosen the ache in Porter's chest.
"Even if something happened," he started, reaching a hand out for Porter to take when he was ready, "then do you really think either of us would blame you for it?"
Hydra shook their head. "I wouldn't. Because you aren't in charge of our lives. You're our boyfriend, not our keeper."
Porter opened his mouth, only to stop as he processed what they both were saying. He didn't know how to explain that he didn't know how to stop this.
Rusty didn't need him to explain though, the steamer sitting down with a frown. "You're scared all of the time, and… and it isn't healthy for you."
Porter nodded, sniffling miserably.
"I want you to listen to us, okay?" Rusty said, turning his hand so his palm faced up. "This isn't something you need to face alone. If we were dealing with this, you wouldn't let us tackle it without you. So we won't leave you alone."
Porter looked at his hand, before reaching out shakily and tangling his fingers with Rusty's.
"You deserve help too," Hydra said softly, sitting down next to Porter. "There's rolling stock that can help with stuff like this. You need someone to talk to about this that you don't feel like you have to be responsible for."
Porter shot them a look, eyes wet. "Why do you sound so wise?"
Hydra grinned at him, though their expression wavered a little. "I have my moments." They reached out for his other hand, looking relieved when he let them take it. "I love you, and I hate seeing you torture yourself like this."
Porter bowed his head, shoulders shaking as tears built up in his eyes again. "But what if… what if I really do miss something, and- and I-"
Rusty squeezed his hand before the thought could build. "Then we can deal with it together," he promised, voice still a little shaky. "We're a team, so we can handle things like one."
Porter looked down at their joined hands, vision blurry as they watched Hydra brush soot from his knuckles absently. He looked at Rusty incredulously, before nodding weakly. They were both still here, holding onto him, and they hadn't run away after he'd thrown every ugly frightened thought at them like a weapon.
"I don't know how to stop," he admitted finally, quiet. "I don't know how to hear these thoughts and not obey them."
"Then we'll get you someone who knows how to help you learn," Rusty said. "But not tonight. Tonight, you need to eat something proper, and we'll wash that soot off. And then tomorrow, we can ask Momma if she knows anyone who can help."
Hydra nodded, leaning in to kiss Porter's cheek. "We aren't abandoning you, but this can't go back to being your normal. We both want you safe and healthy as much as you want us to be."
Porter's instincts said to argue and flinch away, but he knew they were right. So he nodded instead. "Okay…"
Rusty exhaled as soon as he agreed, relaxing. And Hydra leaned in slowly to wrap their arms around him, only tightening their grip when he didn't pull away from them. They sat together on the floor, all three more than a little exhausted.
The yard was still loud outside, but with Rusty and Hydra here, it wasn't nearly as overwhelming as it had been early.
He cried the rest of his tears, before nodding again, trying to steady himself. "Okay, I… thank you," he bowed his head, closing his eyes. "For not leaving me, I appreciate it."
Rusty smiled bumping his head gently into Porter's. "We'd never leave." He straightened up. "C'mon, let's get back to my shed, and we can reheat up some leftovers and stick on a film while we clean you off."
Porter smiled, feeling a little lighter now.
It wasn't perfect, and the idea of getting help for this was terrifying, but… He was willing to try.
For Hydra, and for Rusty, if not for himself.