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dairaliz
I was listening to a song that mentioned getting married in vegas and thought about hollanov getting married in vegas but like the awards in vegas are too early so what if there's another awards in vegas or maybe an all-stars in vegas that happens the year or two after the cottage and hollanov get a little drunk and just say fuck it let's get married. they think they're being super secretive but of course a photo leaks. they've been seen together with the irina foundation so it's easier to play it off as a drunken mistake but now they have to pretend to not want to be married but also can joke around being husbands.
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
I love this lmao my addition, if I may: Shane's acting reluctant so he can keep getting away with it but not have to do anything like "No, no, we're working really hard on the divorce papers it's just difficult to sit down and figure it out with our busy schedules." Meanwhile Ilya to the media goes "Joke marriage, nothing really. So we do not worry about it. He said I should make sure you all know he has saved himself for Hayden Pike." There are angry facetimes over this which is exactly what Ilya wanted Everyone moves on from it, assuming that Ilya is making the divorce process difficult specifically to fuck with Shane. remove the 'with' and they might be onto something.
dairaliz
yes yes!
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
In every interview Ilya is like "My husband was ok on the ice today but I did better. Love you, my sweetheart." wink, perhaps a blown kiss public response: "Typical rozanov asshole behavior" Shane has the clip saved to his phone and rewatches it every morning.
dairaliz
reporter: this years scoring race is tight! with shane hollander's hat trick tonight he's only 2 goals ahead of you ilya: my husband got lucky tonight 😉 but don't you worry i'll end up on top shane: groans all the way from montreal
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
LMAOOO yesss
dairaliz
they go out on a date, trying to get all the divorce paperwork finalized, its been 3 years and everyone still believes it
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
Every single month Ilya posts an anniversary post flowery wreath with cursive words being like "happy anniversary my snuggly bunny" a bunch of puppies and it's like "you are the cutest, most wonderful thing in my life" "If I could marry you again I'd do it a thousand times" (this one with one of the old homoerotic communist propaganda posters behind it, which everyone is further like "how are you a real person why are you like this what the fuck does this mean" about) One of their face offs with kissy marks added all over it and the caption "forever and ever" after a couple years the comments are "Rozanov's looking for joint coffins and Hollander's still writing up very long papers" "Do you think he's ever going to get bored of this" "Shane come get your man. Then leave him. This has been going on for a while" Everyone's like "Shane. there's gotta be a way you can sue him for this" Shane (like he isn't absolutely down bad and treasuring every piece of ragebait) "I don't really worry about it. It's only a distraction if I let it be. I've got a good team and we're going to focus on getting to the playoffs." Ilya comments on the clip "seemed you were focused on something else last night 👀" Everyone ignores him. Except for Shane. Exactly according to plan. the internet is half divided between people going "free my boy Shane, Rozanov trapped him" and those who love mess "he just wants to love his husband (this is funny and I'm bored) Ilya's in a loveless marriage and you're laughing!!! :(((("
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
Ilya meanwhile likes to wear a wedding ring everywhere. He can put pictures of Shane in his house and if anyone's like "... why" he goes "We are married 🥰" They aren't very personalized photos - him and Shane at the camps, a selfie he snaps where Shane looks particularly pissed off to be there, a bunch of his photoshoots and public appearances. People are starting to worry that Ilya is Shane's stalker. They bring it up with him and he's like "oh, yeah, I know. I've been to his house a few times because of the foundation. I don't care." "Have you told him that??? Maybe he'd stop if he thought it didn't bother you since he mostly does things to get a rise out of people?" "Does he have to stop?" "... I guess not?" Ilya posts a picture of a random loon he sees one time and captions it "going to take it home with me. Name it Shane after my beloved, last one I took home with me who cannot get away" and this actually gets him some flack because Hey, Sir, Do Not Mess With The Wildlife He makes a public apology, promising he would not actually touch the scary wolfbird and there is only space in his heart for one Shane #RESCUEHOLLANDER and #HOLLANOVDIVORCE(insert year) start trending again.
I feel like they wouldn't even be asked to make a statement when Hayden's video goes out the homophobes all go "welp. there they go again with that old joke 🙄 guess they haven't gotten enough attention lately" and the gays are like "ARE THE PAPERS OFF THE TABLE?????"
dairaliz
when they finally get to play for the same team, all the guys are shocked to find out they are actually married and it's all part of their plan. they start in on the jokes as well but nobody will confirm to the press what's actually going on meanwhile, shane and ilya live together, take anya for walks together, show up for games and practices together and hardly anyone bats an eye. Ilya and Yuna go to the farmer's market together and the internet goes crazy about how ilya got shane's mom to play along
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
I love that lmao
"the housing market is so bad that Rozanov and Hollander decided to salvage their drunk mistake marriage so Shane wouldn't have to buy a new place when he moved 😔" "he's a millionaire. that's his hometown. he owns a lot of land" "shhhhhhhh shhhhhh don't remind him, look how happy Rozanov is don't spoil this for him"
In every universe, people must come to accept that Ilya is down bad for Shane. they just don't realize how mutual it is right away lol
dairaliz
Shane starts talking about Ilya more, makes a post for their anniversary, calls him his husband in post game interviews, is pictured wearing his wedding ring more often and during some interview is asked why he's playing along now and shane just acts dumbfounded and is like "but that's my husband who I legally married? we renewed our vows on our 5 year anniversary last summer? we own a house and a dog together? my legal name is literally Shane Rozanov-Hollander??? what do you mean playing along???"
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
At some point there's a couple of other players who are both dating and they come out so they can get married together and some outlet's like "BIG WIN FOR QUEER PEOPLE IN SPORTS! FIRST IN NHL HISTORY!" and everyone's like "......... did you forget that Rozanov and Hollander have been married this entire time, they live together and are constantly flirting online, through interviews and DURING THEIR GAMES??" and they're like "wasn't that all a homophobic joke :(" "????? WHAT KIND OF JOKE- IF I TRIED TO COMMIT TO THE BIT THAT HARD MY TEETH WOULD BREAK-"
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
I love this so much lmao
At some point Ilya casually brings up that he's bisexual and people start flipping tables and he's like "........ was this not obvious? I slept with half the women on the East Coast - sorry my love - and I am married to a man - hi Shane, thank you for lunch it was very good."
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
Shane meanwhile thought that posting an uncaptioned photo of a rainbow and being married to his husband was clear enough. after this incident he realizes it might not be. He puts up an instagram story that's just a black screen with "I'm gay 👍" in the middle young queer hockey fans use this iconic method for years to come
dairaliz
yes!
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
going back to the photos thing there is a small subsection of the internet that learns about Ilya's gallery wall of Shane photos and they're like ":(((( Ilya doesn't have any family to put on his wall :((( he's using his beef with Shane to fill the hole in his heart :((((" Shane is appalled when someone mentions this to him because it just feels like a huge overstep. Ilya thinks it's very funny and is like "You are not usually the one filling holes 🤷" Shane talks him out of making this particular statement public, but Ilya does hunt down the commenters and leave something like "I am sad little orphan boy and still he wants to divorce me :( #shanehollanderhatesorphans"
He is asked about this at a later point. he confirms that he would like to retract his statement; it was said in the heat of the moment and he did not think about how spreading misinformation and overblown statements might harm other people. Ilya Rozanov is not 'little'
dairaliz
the same gallery wall is seen later and now has pictures of them with yuna and david, all the centaurs, ilya and sveta, ilya and the little pikes, shane and hayden and jj, shane and rose, and ilya maybe cries a little once they finish updating it
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
oh my god honestly I'd cry too lmao I love that 😭
He captions the photos "sad orphan boy, heart is full of beef 😔" and everyone is like "..... we done fucked up, he's never going to let us move past that"
every time someone mentions Ilya's lack of family after that point he posts this photo in the comments 😭
"shane come get your man he's posting heart beef again" becomes a commonly used phrase, which is funny, because it was not a sentence that existed before that
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
(I hope it's clear I am living for this concept it is very silly thank you for thinking of it and bringing it up)
just read the entire convo to my little sister while we both cackled madly
Kestrel (DiabolicalWorldwriter)
eventually, the inevitable joke is made "none family, with heart beef 😔"/ref