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They all said goodbye at the end of the shift. Did whatever they needed to do before they went home, then went their separate ways.
Jethro was the last out of the changing room, a dark cloud was looming above him, it had been for a while. He walked onto the beach, staring out into the ocean. The sun was beginning to set, vibrants pinks and oranges lighting up the sky in contrast to the deep blue ocean. Normally Jethro would get his phone out, take a photo, but not today, today he felt more like the ocean than the sky.
He sat on the sand not too far away from the tower, he didn’t have the energy to walk too far, and watched as the vibrant sky got darker and darker until all the colour had faded, leaving only darkness.
He stayed motionless as everyone left the beach, even the crazy pommies deciding enough was enough. Jethro didn’t want to go home, he didn’t want to move. The sound of the sea offered a small amount of comfort, but more than anything, Jethro wanted to walk straight into the ocean. He wouldn’t swim, just walk till he was out of his depth and wait for a wave to take him. So he couldn’t move, because there was no way he would be walking off of the beach.
It wasn’t the first time Jethro had thought about walking into the ocean, he’d spent many a night on the cliff top, staring out into the water in the hopes of feeling something. Anything.
He’d been doing it since he was fifteen, the only place he could think of going when he needed to clear his head. Jethro had made most of his big decisions while staring into the ocean, it somehow providing all the answers.
His thoughts got darker as the years ticked by, and sometimes sitting on the cliff top was a cry for help, an indication that he might just jump. It hadn’t happened yet, because the sun always rose again, and the ocean looked less inviting in the morning light.
It was different tonight. Everything felt different tonight. Like it had all been building up, the clouds getting bigger and darker, the pressure building up so much that his head was screaming. They were ready now, the storm that had been brewing finally letting go. There was thunder and lightning all around him, the rain falling down so heavily it was hard to see.
He was crying. That was the rain he supposed.
Small sobs jolted their way through his body, it was all just too much. Jethro hadn’t cried in ages, so it was no real surprise that it was hard to stop once he’d started, tears falling endlessly down his cheeks. He felt so alone.
No one even knew he was there. He lived alone now, so no one was waiting for him to come home, and as far as the other lifeguards on shift earlier knew, he’d gone home just like they had. No one would even be looking for him. No one cared.
Everything had been building up for months. The world around him getting darker and darker despite the sun shining in the sky. None of his colleagues had noticed, which wasn’t a surprise with the facade Jethro had worked so hard to keep up. The two sides of his head screaming that no one needed to know, but being so desperate for someone to notice.
Notice the way the light left his eyes the second he thought no one was looking. The way his smile no longer reached his eyes, that it hadn’t in months. To see the dark bags under his eyes, a clear sign that he wasn’t sleeping, and hadn’t slept properly for ages. The way his clothes hung a little looser on him now, he was finding it harder and harder to eat, fighting a sick feeling in his stomach that made him want to throw up everything he ate.
He was so clearly falling apart, but no one could see a thing.
Half of his brain was relieved, there truly was no going back once everyone knew, and maybe that was why he’d been fighting so hard to keep everything a secret. The other half of his brain just felt so alone.
The waves were slowly crawling up the beach, getting closer and closer to where Jethro was sitting. Maybe they’d come far enough up to swallow him whole.
The tears had stopped, drying in thick tracks down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy. It hadn’t helped him feel any better, if anything he felt worse. Emptiness crawling into his chest, carving him out and making a new home, Jethro felt weightless.
Numbness was taking over, starting at his head, and moving all the way down to his toes. He didn’t feel real. The world moved slower, like someone had flicked a switch to put everything into slow motion. He wasn’t real, maybe he never was, maybe he’d wake up in a minute and be back in his bed, dreading another sleepless night.
The waves got closer, he wouldn’t make that up.
He wasn’t dreaming, he was just sad. Just achingly numb, and so alone, he was so alone.
The sand felt cold underneath him, it was better than feeling nothing. Stars were shining above him, lighting up the dark sky. It was nice to see something so bright, comforting that there was something more than the darkness. Some people called it hope, it made Jethro feel even lonelier.
He could see the stars with his eyes, see the light they were bringing, but he couldn’t feel anything. Jethro had no stars in his life, nothing shining bright enough to make him believe things might be okay.
It was just him, and the thunderstorm he was in, the dark clouds above him stopping any stars from shining.
He lay back against the sand, wishing the stars would lift him up, let him join them high up in the sky. It would be easier to shine up there, easier to shine when the weight of the world wasn’t forcing him down.
Jethro was silly, he made people laugh, he wasn’t this, he wasn’t even sure who this was. He missed the person he used to be.
He rummaged through his bag to find his phone and headphones, clicking on one of his playlists that would fill the emptiness. Volume up high enough to drown out his thoughts, lyrics sad enough that he didn’t feel alone.
Jethro had been listening to a lot of sad songs lately, happy songs just made him more upset, at least the sad songs helped with the loneliness. He listened to loud songs too, loud shouty songs about hating the world and feeling apathetic. It was nice to feel the bass line in his chest, for the drums to hit in time with the pounding in his head. Anything was better than feeling nothing.
He watched as the stars moved across the sky, getting his own private light show as the world continued to spin around him. Jethro felt small. Here he was looking at the enormity of space, with a great vast ocean, stretching out in front of him, and he was just Jethro, tiny and alone.
What was the point in anything? He was just one measly person, so desperate for something he couldn’t just go home after work like everyone else. So obviously starved of attention, he was hoping the lifeguards would come back and find him, that they’d noticed he hadn’t gone home. He was pathetic.
Jethro sat back up slowly. The sea was drifting out again, ready to welcome the day in. He took his headphones out, and let them and his phone in his bag. Jethro wanted to go closer.
He walked slowly down the beach, relishing in the feeling of the sand between his toes, he almost felt alive. A small gasp escaped him as he stepped into the ocean, the water was a little cold. The tiny waves lapped at his ankles, getting the bottom of his joggers wet, but Jethro didn’t really care.
He could see the beginnings of the sunrise, it was truly now or never. Was he brave enough to let go, or would he look stupid when his colleagues arrived, finding him standing at the edge of the sea fully clothed.
Jethro took a couple more steps, the waves now splashing his shins. The rain was coming down hard, each drop hitting hard enough it felt like it might bruise. There was so much pressure, Jethro wanted to scream. His head hurt, everything hurt.
He was going crazy, he was weak. Jethro’s legs felt like jelly, like they might just collapse underneath him, yet his feet felt glued to the spot. He was weak, he always had been, didn’t even have the strength to walk into the sea.
It felt like a rope was wrapping around his body, squeezing his chest so tightly. The rope kept wrapping around and around, getting tighter and tighter. He felt like he was going to pass out, he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even hear the sound of the wave anymore, everything was gone.
A hand landed on his shoulder, and Jethro whipped his head around to see who it was.
It was Maxi. He said something, but Jethro couldn’t hear it, he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his heart thumping in his ears.
The hand on his shoulder burned. He wanted to fight it, wanted to be free of it, this was worse than no one noticing.
“Breathe Jethro,” Maxi’s voice suddenly caught his ear, beating the sound of pain swirling through his body.
He couldn’t breathe.
Chappo was on his other side, looking at Jethro with a mixture of sadness and guilt. That was the final straw.
Jethro’s legs gave in, and he collapsed into the ocean, sobs wracking their way through his body once again. In that moment, the numbness relented, and Jethro felt all the pain all at once. It hurt, it hurt so badly.
The two lifeguards came down with him, neither one complaining as they got wet too. They held Jethro closely, constantly talking even though he couldn’t hear what they were saying. He wasn’t alone anymore, they were right in this with him, they were going to ride out the storm together.
A third lifeguard appeared, crouching down in front of him. Joel. Oh.
Joel cupped Jethro’s face with his hands, trying to wipe the tears that were flowing so freely down his cheeks. He moved his hands, and pulled Jethro into the tightest hug, holding on while he screamed and cried, finally letting everything go.
He pulled away when he felt his breathing even out, surprised to see Maxi and Chappo still on either side of him. They looked worried, it made Jethro feel guilty.
“Have you been here all night?” Maxi asked, a hand still on Jethro’s back to comfort him.
Jethro nodded his head slowly. He didn’t feel brave enough to talk without bursting into tears again, and he wasn’t sure what he could say anyway. Why had he stayed at the beach, why was he standing in the water? Jethro wasn’t sure he could explain any of it.
“Do you think we could move out of the water, you’re shivering Jeff,” Chappo said, wrapping his arm all the way around Jethro to keep him warm.
Jethro nodded again, and the three of them slowly made their way up to the tower.
A towel was wrapped around his shoulders, as Maxi scrambled off to find a dry change of clothes. He felt absolutely freezing now it had been pointed out to him, his whole body shaking thanks to the cold.
Maxi came back with some stuff that belonged to Jethro and some stuff that didn’t, he changed into all of it anyway, desperate for warmth. He climbed onto the bed once he was dressed, tucking his knees up to his chest to help warm him up.
Joel jumped up beside him, holding him closely once more.
It felt nice. The storm had passed, the sun was up, the sun had its arms wrapped all the way around him, fending off the dark clouds.
Chappo came to his other side, Maxi having moved to the front to start working. Had it really been that long?
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Joel asked, his voice quiet.
Jethro shrugged, “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted, the first truly honest thing he’d said in months.
“Tell us anything,” Chappo said, “just talk.”
“I’m sorry.” It blurted out of his mouth before he had the chance to think about it, “I should have said something last night, I didn’t feel right, but I let everyone leave anyway. And I didn’t go home, even though I knew I should have, and I knew you would come back eventually, knew that someone would find me, I’m so sorry.”
The tears started again. Not heavy sobs like earlier, they were just sliding down his cheeks, completely out of his control.
“We’re here now,” Chappo said, “you’re letting us in now. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
Jethro nodded, feeling that little bit braver, “I’ve been feeling bad for a while,” he admitted, “I don’t know when it started, I don’t really know why, but I haven’t been sleeping, and I don’t really feel like me anymore.”
He could see the waves out of the tower window, they still looked inviting, but Jethro didn’t want to walk towards them anymore, he had something anchoring him to the land now. He was letting people in, and that felt so much better than the waves crashing over his head. If he looked, Jethro could still see the storm cloud, but the clouds were lighter, and the pressure was fading just a little bit.
“I feel like there’s a storm cloud over my head. And I’ve been trying to ignore it, but it’s just getting darker and darker, and it hurts my head,” Jethro continued, dropping his head onto Joel’s shoulder. He was tired, exhausted even, and it was really hitting him now.
“I know what that feels like,” Chappo said softly, “it only gets better if you talk about it, the load feels lighter when you’re not dealing with it on your own.”
Jethro nodded. He reached out for Chappo’s hand and squeezed it a couple of times, it said more than he felt capable of saying.
Deano walked over, a sympathetic expression on his face, “Hoppo wants to talk to you,” he said, and Jethro nodded, sitting up slowly, “and Chappo, if you’re ready, we need you on the beach.”
“Give me five,” Chappo said, pulling Jethro into a tight hug, “I am here whenever you need to talk, okay,” he said, and waited for Jethro to nod before leaving the tower.
Jethro slid off of the bed, surprised when Deano pulled him into a hug as well. He was probably going to have to get used to this.
“You gave us a fright,” he said, pulling away, “don’t do that again.”
Jethro nodded as Joel stood beside him, his arm once again wrapping around Jethro’s shoulder.
The pair walked across to Hoppo’s office, Jethro fidgeting with his hands. It was one thing opening up a little with the other lifeguards, but Hoppo was the big boss, what if he lost his job for this. He kept other lifeguards from doing their job, and occupied the bed which should have been used for patients. He could feel his heart thumping loudly in his chest, the pressure was building up again.
When they walked into the room, Hoppo was sitting at his desk, typing something on his computer. There was a bottle of water on the table, along with some panadol, and a banana.
“Hey Jeff,” Hoppo greeted, “take a seat mate.”
Jethro did as he was told, Joel sitting on the chair beside him. His hands were busy in his lap, too nervous to let them still.
“Before we chat,” Hoppo began, looking away from his monitor, “you’re gonna have a drink, take something if you need it, and get some food inside of you, okay?”
Jethro nodded, and Hoppo smiled slightly, returning to typing something.
This didn’t feel like a firing, Hoppo was being way too nice. Jethro took two pills with his first mouthful of water, then downed half the bottle. It would probably make him feel sick later, but for now, Jethro was desperate. He ate the banana pretty quickly too, surprised at just how hungry he felt after months of not feeling hungry at all.
“Better?” Hoppo asked after his last bite of banana, and Jethro nodded.
The pressure was relaxing, his heart beat slowing down, no longer deafening his eardrums.
“I’m going to take you off the rota for the next five days,” Hoppo began, and before Jethro could protest, “you are welcome to spend as much or as little time here as you want, but I don’t want you working. If, after the five days you don’t feel up to working, don’t force yourself to come in. I would rather pick up the slack, then have you coming in when you’re not up to it, understand?”
Jethro nodded, he’d been doing that a lot.
“Good,” Hoppo said, “I’m also going to book you in with one of the counsellors, but that’s not to say that you can’t talk to us, we’re all here for you whenever you need it, okay?”
“Thank you,” Jethro said, letting out a deep breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding.
Hoppo smiled warmly, “of course. Now, is there anything you want to talk to me about, or shall I let Joel take you home?”
“I’d like to go home,” Jethro said, “I’m tired, and want to go to bed.”
“Keep us updated okay,” Hoppo said, gesturing for them to go, “and that’s an order, okay Jethro?”
Jethro smiled, as Hoppo stood up, pulling him into a tight hug. This almost had him crying again, Hoppo was a good man, he was very lucky to have him as a boss.
“Thank you,” Jethro said in a small voice.
The journey home was quiet. Jethro was too tired, both emotionally and physically, to do much more than just sit in the car. Maybe he’d talk to Joel later, he was lucky to have such a good friend.
“Wait, are you not working today?” Jethro asked, his brain finally catching up with what was happening.
Joel shook his head, “no, I’m off today,” he said, pulling the car into a space.
This wasn’t Jethro’s house. Part of him felt happy about that, he was not really looking forward to going home.
“Oh,” Jethro frowned, “why were you there then?”
“Couldn’t really sleep,” Joel said, twisting in his seat to look at Jethro, “so I thought I’d go for a run.”
“But you hate running.”
Joel laughed, “yeah, but it was better than lying awake. I was going to pick up breakfast for us, you look like you need breakfast,” he said, reaching out and placing a hand on Jethro’s leg.
“Oh,” Jethro felt like all the wind had been knocked out of his lungs, “I’m sorry.”
Guilt was crawling all over his skin again, seeping into his bloodstream, he just seemed to be causing problems.
“No,” Joel shook his head, and then he went quiet.
They were both lost in thought, both tired, with two very busy brains that wouldn’t be quiet.
“You scared me,” Joel said after a while, his words piercing the silence like a knife.
Jethro had scared himself if he was honest, and it hurt to know he’d scared so many of the people close to him. That so many people had seen him hit rock bottom, and he’d barely climbed up from there. He was going to be low for a while, clinging on desperately to avoid slipping down any further, it was a scary place to be. And even scarier when he considered how many of his colleagues knew, or would find out, or would want to help.
“I saw you on the beach, saw Maxi run over, saw him wave frantically at Chappo to come too. I started running when I saw you collapse, I thought you were dying,” Joel continued, his voice wavering.
“I wanted to,” Jethro said in a small voice, not even sure if he’d said it loud enough to be heard.
“Do you still want to?” Joel’s voice was equally quiet, whispering like it was a secret they feared would be overheard, like someone else was around to hear.
Jethro shrugged, “not really,” he said slowly, “I’m not even sure I wanted to die, I think I just wanted someone to notice that something was wrong, because I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone, I was too scared.”
“We’re all here for you, I always will be,” Joel paused, taking in a deep breath, “I knew something was up, but I didn’t know how to ask, I should have done.”
“I’m sorry,” Jethro said again, though he wasn’t entirely sure what he was apologising for, “can we go in now, I’m so tired.”
Joel smiled, “sure,” he said, “I’m pretty tired too, could do with a nap.”
There were more conversations to be had. Not just with Joel, with lots of people.
Jethro didn’t go home during his time off, choosing to crash on the sofa at his fellow lifeguard’s houses. It felt safer that way, he needed to not feel alone. He spent a lot of time in the water, surfing the waves instead of sinking in them. Jethro needed to know he could do it, needed to know he wasn’t going to freak out. It was freeing.
He flicked between Bronte and Tamarama, Bondi was too busy, heading up to chat to the lifeguards afterwards. A lot of people hugged him, holding him just a little bit too tightly, he understood why.
Jethro went back to work after his five days off. He wasn’t fixed, but he was okay to work. Comfortable enough in the water that he wouldn’t become a casualty, restless enough that a work shift felt necessary.
Hoppo called him in before his shift started, a hug waiting for him. The boss checked he was okay, made sure he was ready to work, and not just putting on a face to please other people. He sent Jethro off with a snack, and another hug.
He wasn’t left on his own for the first few weeks, but not in a way that made him feel like no one thought he was capable of doing the job. There was always someone to talk to, someone to make sure he was taking the necessary breaks, someone to wrap an arm around his shoulder when he was getting lost in his own head again. It was small, very subtle, but Jethro felt the love from the boys.
Therapy was okay, it was good to talk about things. He talked about the job sometimes, talked about the dark clouds others, and often an hour of talking was enough to take one of the weights off of his shoulders.
The clouds looked lighter now, and when the storm started building up, Jethro knew how to ease the pressure. He would turn up at Maxi’s house, letting the elder wrap a blanket around his shoulders while they watched a silly tv show together. He’d crawl into Joel’s bed on the sleepless nights, and it always seemed to help. Jethro was spending a lot of time at Joel’s nowadays. Chappo was always at the other end of the phone, a comforting voice when Jethro just needed to talk. He’d go for a run with Harries, or a surf with Jesse, or just a long walk with Troy. He even tried some of Deano’s meditation stuff, though it wasn’t really up his street, it made Deano really happy.
He knew the clouds wouldn’t just vanish. It had taken a long time to fall down this hole, it was going to take even longer to climb back out of it. But Jethro was climbing out, he wasn’t just waiting at the bottom anymore. Even on the days the clouds were the darkest, and the rain was lashing down on his skin, he still wanted to be alive. And that was all the progress he could ask for.