Chapter Text
Graf had come up with a brilliant idea.
Though in this case, the word “brilliant” was highly subjective.
And don’t get me wrong — everyone on the island unanimously called him the human ChatGPT. His knowledge, command of languages, and ability to adapt to any situation were genuinely impressive. He could spend hours talking about things nobody else had even heard of, only to smoothly switch to translating some ancient text or arguing about the best way to cook potatoes.
But this time, his whim had clearly won against logical thinking.
Ewron had built a church. It had taken him a while, sure, but the final result was honestly impressive. At the very top of the mountain, visible even from far away, stood a small building with a tall tower and rows of colorful stained-glass windows. In the evenings, lantern light reflected against the glass, making the church look almost magical.
From what Graf knew, Ewron planned to use it for his grand ambition of becoming the one and only pastor on the island. Resurrections, funerals, masses… and weddings.
A wedding.
The word itself sounded strangely peaceful in a world that had been sinking into chaos for weeks.
Lately, the islanders’ main attraction in life had been the conflicts between the Regime and the North. The Federation had also started pushing its sticky fingers into the island’s everyday affairs. Multi’s reactor had turned out to be radioactive, and nobody knew how much time was left before the Polish Hussars would be forced to abandon the caves and settle as far away from the source of the problem as possible.
Truthfully, everyone lived in constant tension. Every day brought new disasters, new conflicts, and new kidnappings.
And Graf… Graf just wanted to give people a moment to breathe.
He wanted to gather everyone in one place so that, even if only for a few hours, they could forget about the storm clouds hanging over their heads.
So there was a church, there were people, there was music, and there was Foolish’s kelpamine.
It sounded like the perfect recipe for a beautiful, traditional Polish wedding.
There was only one small problem left.
They needed to find a bride and groom.
Graf decided that at least one of them had to be Polish. Why? Because it was a Polish wedding. To him, the logic was absolutely undeniable. It had to be a Pole. End of discussion.
For a moment, he even considered having his own wedding. The problem was that he had no idea who would actually want to stand beside him at the altar. Maybe if Katie hadn’t taken Tomate away from him…
No, definitely not an option.
Then he thought about Multi and Quackity.
That vision was a disaster before it even had the chance to begin. Quackity would probably agree without much trouble, but Multi would sooner blow up his beloved uranium reactor than put on a suit and say “I do” in front of a crowd of people.
So that was out too.
And then Graf thought about Ewron and Nexe.
They had that… something.
They were Polish. Everyone on the island had the feeling there was something more between them, even if both of them stubbornly denied it. Not to mention the shared photos in absurdly suspicious situations that kept piling up in Graf’s inventory like a separate collection of evidence.
Ewron would marry a cockroach as a joke if it guaranteed him good entertainment. The problem was Nexe.
Nexe always complicated things.
But then again… he didn’t have to know about any of this yet. Right?
~~~
“Could a wedding be held in your church?” Graf asked when he noticed Ewron sitting in front of the entrance to his creation.
Ewron looked absurdly proud of the results of his work. Sitting on the stairs with his hands folded behind his head, he looked like a man who had just built a national cathedral, not a church on top of a mountain far away from the center of the island.
“Of course it could. It’s a church.” He puffed out his chest with obvious satisfaction.
Graf slowly clasped his hands behind his back and looked at him with complete seriousness.
“And could it host gay weddings?”
“Absolutely! It absolutely should!” Ewron clapped his hands together enthusiastically, his eyes lighting up with excitement. The very idea of such an event clearly appealed to him already.
Graf barely held back a smile.
“And can a pastor have a husband?”
“Of course ye...” Ewron cut himself off halfway through the sentence. He narrowed his eyes and looked at Graf suspiciously. “Wait.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “What exactly are you plotting?”
“I just wanted to bring our community a little closer together” Graf replied calmly. “There’s been so much bad stuff happening lately, so I thought that maybe you and Nexe…” He didn’t finish the sentence.
Ewron’s face immediately twisted into genuine disbelief. He stared at him as if he had just heard the dumbest idea in the history of the island.
“Me and Nexe?” He frowned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Graf, do you even hear yourself? That is an absolutely idiotic idea.”
Graf stayed silent. He simply looked at him with that innocent smile of his — the one that always meant trouble.
“Me and Nexe…” Ewron let out a heavy sigh. “Okay, maybe I said a couple of times that I wanted to fuck Nexe in the ass, but that doesn’t automatically mean I should become his husband. You get that, right?”
“Not even for the content?” Graf tilted his head slightly.
Silence fell between them.
Ewron opened his mouth, but he didn’t answer right away. And that was the exact moment Graf knew he had won.
Because Ewron would do absolutely anything for a good show. He loved being the center of attention, loved making scenes, and loved the drama he created even more.
And what would happen after the wedding?
Well.
That depended entirely on what Ewron decided to do with Nexe’s ass.
~~~
The preparations were, to put it lightly… overwhelming.
First, Graf found Quackity talking to Multi somewhere near the edge of the caves. The Mexican, as usual, was gesturing so dramatically that it looked like he was trying to win the argument through hand movements alone. Meanwhile, Multi looked like he was one second away from either laughing or exploding.
“I need a priest.” Graf announced without any introduction.
“What?” Quackity raised an eyebrow.
“It’s about a wedding. You’ll conduct the mass and the ceremony. You played the role of a judge perfectly, so you’ll make a perfect priest too.”
For a moment, Quackity stared at him in silence before breaking into a stupid grin.
“Ooooh, I like this role. Can I yell, ‘Silence, this is a holy place’?”
“You can even throw holy water at people.”
“I’m in.”
Next to them, Multi dragged a hand down his face and let out a heavy sigh.
“For fuck’s sake…”
Graf considered that enough confirmation of participation and silently assigned him the role of bridesmaid. Naturally, without informing him.
Foolish reacted even better.
The moment he heard about the planned wedding, he practically jumped with excitement and immediately pulled an absurdly large supply of kelpamine out of his backpack.
“I’ll make even more!” he announced, eyes sparkling.
Graf looked at the pile of bottles and immediately checked “alcohol” off the mental preparation list.
Then he visited the Dutchmen’s tavern.
The second he crossed the entrance, a massive mug of beer was practically shoved under his nose. Laughter and loud conversations bounced off the tavern walls, creating the familiar chaos of the place. After a short conversation with his foreign friends, Graf managed to hand over responsibility for the food without much trouble.
And if there was anyone made to handle enormous amounts of food, it was definitely them.
The rest of the day was spent informing the island’s residents about the event. To his surprise, most people reacted enthusiastically. Even those who usually stayed away from group celebrations seemed interested.
Ash’s reaction surprised him the most.
When Graf mentioned Ewron and Nexe wedding, the boy stared at him in disbelief for a moment before bursting into laughter and grinning so stupidly that Graf instantly regretted not having a camera with him.
Truthfully, preparing the church itself turned out to be easier than talking to people.
An hour was enough to make the interior look almost perfect. The benches were lined up neatly in two rows, the altar was thoroughly cleaned, and the candles were arranged with almost absurd symmetry. Even the ugly church carpet Ewron had once found during one of his expeditions finally got a proper cleaning.
By the end of the day, everything had been prepared down to the last detail.
So this had to work out. Right?
~~~
Quackity stood by the altar dressed in a makeshift priest outfit, adjusting the collar with visible skepticism. Beside him, Graf was setting up a microphone hidden behind the marble table.
“I’ve never been a priest before” Quackity muttered, eyeing the lectern. “Honestly, I feel like Ewron would fit this role better.”
“Ewron getting married, so someone has to replace him.” Graf gestured toward the massive book lying on the tablecloth. “I wrote everything down for you. I even translated it into Spanish to make things easier.”
Quackity looked at him with genuine emotion.
“Thanks, man. Now I love Polish people even more.”
At that exact moment, the island’s residents began filing into the church.
Graf smiled to himself when he noticed that most of them had genuinely put effort into dressing elegantly, even though nobody had officially established a dress code. Even Tomate was wearing a suit, and his camera had been decorated with a red tie dangling awkwardly from the lens.
Multi looked unusually neat too. Graf found him standing in one of the darker corners of the church while buttoning up the last button of his blazer. The sight was strange enough that Graf stared at him for a moment. Without the lab coat and the mask covering half his face, Multi looked almost… normal. The only thing ruining the image were the greenish tips of his dreadlocks, which had probably changed color because of the radiation.
“Multi, perfect timing.” Graf clapped his hands together. “You need to bring Nexe here. Just don’t tell him too much.”
Multi closed his eyes and let out a long, exhausted sigh.
“Fuck… Why I’m always the one stuck doing the worst jobs?”
“Because you’re… competent?”
“That’s the worst compliment I’ve ever heard in my life.” He rubbed a hand across his forehead. “Fine. I’ll handle it. But where the hell is Ewron anyway?”
“Look up.”
The voice echoed from somewhere above them. A few people instinctively lifted their heads, only then noticing the figure sitting on the balcony railing. Ewron watched everyone from above with a wide, sly grin.
“Hey” he called casually. “Don’t you think you’ve gotten a little too comfortable in MY church?”
“Dude, today I’m the priest, so shut the hell up. This is my place now.” Quackity dramatically slammed a hand against the altar.
Ewron snorted in amusement before suddenly jumping off the balcony without warning. Halfway down, he even threw in a flashy flip for extra effect. He landed perfectly in the middle of the church and bowed exaggeratedly low like an actor on stage.
Then he looked around the interior.
More and more people kept arriving. Familiar faces filled almost every free space, and for a moment, Ewron felt genuinely strange. He didn’t think he had ever seen so many of his friends gathered together in one place before.
And suddenly, his church felt absurdly small.
“Holly shit…” he muttered under his breath. “I still can’t believe I agreed to this. If you idiots make me wear an Ewronka dress too, I swear I’m leaving the island.”
“Works for me. One less dumbass.” Multi shrugged. “I’m going to get Nexe.”
And just as quickly as he had appeared, he disappeared through the church doors.
Ewron watched him go for a moment before sighing dramatically.
“What a fucking great friend. I’m gonna detonate his reactor if he keeps talking to me like that.”
~~~
The church was already full before the ceremony had even officially begun.
And full literally meant full.
Every bench was occupied, the aisles too, and Maximus was even sitting on one of the windowsills despite Graf unsuccessfully trying to drag him down from there for the last ten minutes.
The inside of the church drowned in the warm glow of candlelight. Flames flickered along the walls, casting shifting shadows across the wooden ceiling beams, while the final rays of the setting sun poured through the stained-glass windows. Purple, blue, and orange reflections slid across the faces of the gathered crowd, giving the whole place an almost fairy-tale atmosphere.
Near the altar, Quackity adjusted his improvised priest outfit with the expression of a man who absolutely should not possess any kind of spiritual authority. Especially not inside a church that belonged to Ewron.
“SHIT, THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE HERE!” Ewron shouted while standing near the altar and looking around with a mixture of amusement and genuine disbelief.
He looked like he had only just realized that his tiny building had somehow managed to fit half the island inside it.
Graf calmly walked over and fixed the collar of his shirt. For the sake of appearances, Ewron was wearing an elegant black suit. Thankfully, they had avoided the maid outfit, though Graf secretly regretted that a little.
“Try acting serious for at least five minutes” he muttered.
Ewron looked at him with obvious doubt.
“Graf… do you even know me?”
“Unfortunately.”
Their conversation was interrupted by sudden noise coming from the church entrance.
“THEY’RE HERE! EVERYONE, TAKE YOUR PLACES!” Foolish yelled, running between people like a panicked concert organizer. “MOVE IT, THIS IS A WEDDING, NOT A FESTIVAL!”
The crowd immediately fell silent.
The church doors slowly creaked open.
Nexe stood in the doorway.
He looked like he had literally been dragged out of bed five minutes earlier. Wrinkled hoodie, messy hair, and a completely confused expression perfectly reflected his current mental state.
Right behind him stood Multi. Or rather, lurked.
His arms were crossed, and he had the expression of a bodyguard protecting the world’s most valuable prisoner. Apparently, he had taken the task of making sure Nexe didn’t escape very seriously.
Nexe looked around the packed church.
Dozens of people stared directly at him with suspiciously serious expressions. Then his gaze moved further. Quackity standing at the altar… and Ewron in a suit.
He frowned.
“Guys… what’s happening?” he asked cautiously. “Why is everyone here…?”
At that exact moment, the first notes of wedding music echoed through the church. Nexe slowly turned his head and spotted Graf leaning against a television with an unbelievably proud smile on his face.
A moment of silence followed.
“…oh no.”
“OH YES!” someone in the crowd screamed.
Chaos erupted instantly.
Someone started whistling, someone else clapped so enthusiastically it sounded like they had just won a million dollars at a casino. From the back row came a loud “KISS! KISS!”, only for the same person to get smacked in the head with a frying pan a second later.
“Idiot” Aldo hissed at Juan beside him. “Wrong moment.”
Nexe’s ears instantly dropped.
His tail started twitching nervously, completely betraying his panic. He looked like his brain was desperately trying to decide whether it would be better to run away, pass out, or simply die on the spot.
He looked back at Ewron. The boy only answered him with a wide, incredibly irritating grin.
That fucking panda bastard.
Nexe instinctively stepped backward. Or at least he tried to. Multi stood behind him, unmoving like a wall.
“Don’t even fucking try.” he muttered calmly before shoving him toward the altar with one hand and very little effort.
Nexe was ready to swear he had never wanted to disappear into the ground more in his entire life. Looking at the amused expressions around him, he realized one cruel truth. There was no turning back anymore.
Eventually, Nexe gave up and slowly walked toward the altar.
The moment he stopped beside Ewron, he immediately heard quiet laughter. He shot him the look of a man prepared to commit murder, but his friend merely covered his face with one hand, desperately trying to calm himself down. His shoulders shook with suppressed laughter.
“Bitch, don’t laugh.”
“I’m trying” Ewron wheezed, wiping tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. “But you look like you’re literally walking toward castration.”
“Because that’s exactly what this feels like.” Nexe groaned tiredly and rubbed a hand over his face. He didn’t even try looking at the crowd behind him, focusing entirely on Ewron’s stupidly entertained face. “Tell me this wasn’t your idea.”
“Surprisingly, this time it was all Graf idea.” Ewron smiled innocently. “But hey, relax. We’re in this together, right?”
He placed a hand on Nexe’s shoulder in an attempt at comfort, but Nexe instantly smacked it away.
“Fuck off. You’re not helping at all.”
“SILENCE!” Quackity’s booming voice echoed throughout the entire church, successfully drowning out everyone’s conversations. To be fair, they had prepared the sound system surprisingly well.
Quackity clapped his hands together and raised his arms dramatically, as if he were about to begin some grand theatrical performance.
“We are gathered here today to...”
“I NEVER AGREED TO ANY OF THIS, JUST SO EVERYONE REMEMBERS!” Nexe snapped, his tail smacking anxiously against his leg.
Quackity gave him a stern look, cleared his throat, and tried again.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate…”
“A mistake” Nexe muttered under his breath.
“…the beautiful love…”
“Alright, let’s not exaggerate” Ewron interrupted, amused.
“…between two deeply problematic people…”
“Oh, that part’s definitely true” Graf added from the front row.
Quackity let out a heavy sigh. He looked one step away from throwing the microphone at the wall, but somehow managed to preserve the last fragments of professionalism.
“Let anyone who objects to this union speak now or forever hold their peace.”
Nexe immediately raised his hand.
He was completely ignored. Ewron grabbed his wrist and unceremoniously forced his hand back down.
“You don’t get voting rights here” he whispered, amused.
Nexe yanked his hand away and stepped back as if Ewron were radioactive.
“No objections? Wonderful!” Quackity continued with forced enthusiasm. “Then we may begin.”
He looked at Ewron.
“Do you, Ewron, take Nexe...”
“Unfortunately, yes. Could be worse, though. It could’ve been Don.”
The church instantly exploded with laughter. Somewhere in the back, an offended “FUCK YOU!” echoed loudly through the holy building in Don’s voice.
“For fuck’s sake, Ewron, I wasn’t finished.” Quackity adjusted the microphone with visible irritation. “Again. Do you, Ewron, take Nexe as your husband?”
“I do.”
“And do you swear to...”
“Oh, stop yapping. I swear, I do, whatever.” Ewron shifted impatiently from foot to foot like he had already reached his absolute limit for standing still.
“Alright, good enough.” Quackity sighed tiredly and turned toward Nexe.
He was about to speak, but the murderous glare from the canine hybrid shut him up immediately.
“No.”
And that was when the complications began.
“Do you, Nexe, take Ewron...”
“No.”
“...as your husband...”
“No.”
“...and do you swear...”
“I’m not.”
Nexe stood there with crossed arms and a sulking expression, completely ignoring the laughter and comments from the crowd around him.
“Nexe, just say ‘yes’ so we can get this shit over.” Quackity groaned.
“No.”
“SAY IT, GODDAMMIT.”
“NO.”
Well, fuck.
Wedding’s over.
Silence fell over the church.
Quackity looked helplessly toward Ewron. Tomate immediately pointed the camera directly at them, sensing the perfect opportunity for dramatic footage.
“How the hell did you survive with him for so many years?” Quackity asked with genuine exhaustion.
“Honestly? No clue.” Ewron shrugged. “These days I only see him once every two weeks, so I think the silent treatment is what keeps us alive.”
Then he looked at Nexe with obvious amusement. For a moment, he simply observed his offended expression before leaning closer.
“You know the faster we finish this circus, the faster people forget about it, right?” he said more quietly. “Don’t tell me one tiny wedding turned you into a sulking teenager.”
“I hate all of you” Nexe sighed heavily, rolling his eyes.
“But mostly me, I hope?” Ewron asked with a mischievous grin. His narrowed eyes carefully studied the canine hybrid’s face.
“Especially you.”
“Awww. You’re adorable.”
Ewron finally straightened up and nodded toward Quackity, signaling that he could continue.
Quackity waved a hand, completely exhausted by his role at this point.
“Alright. By the power of absolutely no legal authority in this world, I now pronounce you married.” He spat the sentence out in one breath before anyone could interrupt him again. “YOU MAY KISS!”
“OH HELL NO, THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY!” Nexe answered immediately.
“DO IT!” half the church screamed back.
“We could do a brotherly hug instead.” Ewron spread his arms with an innocent smile.
“That sounds gay.” Nexe looked at him like he was speaking to a complete idiot.
“Dude, this entire event is gay. What do you prefer, a kiss or a hug?”
For a moment, Nexe stayed silent, shifting his gaze between Ewron and the crowd of screaming people. Eventually, he let out a long sigh and stepped closer. He awkwardly wrapped his arms around Ewron like he was doing it under threat of death.
And that was when he made a mistake.
The second Ewron felt Nexe’s arms around him, he immediately lifted him off the ground and spun them around in a circle.
“EWRON!” Nexe shouted, instantly losing the last fragments of his dignity.
He started punching him wherever he could reach, trying to force him to let go. Ewron only laughed louder and held him even tighter.
The church erupted into complete chaos.
Roier knocked over one of the candles. Ash started screaming random Polish words that made absolutely no sense. From the other side of the room, Katie was already offering marriage counseling after the ceremony, while Foolish handed out kelpamine to everyone like he was hosting a festival.
And Nexe?
Nexe wanted to die.
When Ewron finally set him back down on the ground, he suddenly became serious. He placed his hands on Nexe’s shoulders and looked directly into his eyes as if he were about to say something genuinely important.
“So does this mean you’re officially my dog now?” he asked quietly.
For a moment, Nexe simply stared at him. His fluffy ears slowly perked up. He blinked several times, apparently trying to process what he had just heard.
And then he calmly raised his hand.
A second later, Ewron felt a solid smack hit the back of his head.
“OW, FUCK!”
He jerked away, clutching the sore spot, and looked at his new “husband” in outrage. Meanwhile, for the first time since the beginning of the ceremony, Nexe laughed genuinely. It looked like all the stress had finally left his body.
And that was when Graf realized one thing.
Nexe was absolutely going to be the one beating Ewron whenever the soup was too salty.