Archive of Our Own

1.

Enjin wasn’t sure whether he’d consider himself a deep sleeper. He wasn’t sure he’d consider himself a light one, either.

Neither fit, but then again, he’d argue it was almost always entirely left up to the circumstances. Never mind his own body clock, or whatever the circadian rhythm that adapted to disturbances throughout the night, that were often –  like much else in the Ground – unpredictable.

Tonight, he suspected this one to be that of what was always sure to rouse him.

Rudo.

He groaned at the clamour, suddenly terribly acquainted to the clanking and hissing and other grating noises radiating beyond his door. Poking his tongue through his cheek, he shoved his face further into his pillow as though to muffle the sound.

It didn’t work.

He came to the – rather irritating – understanding that it was a futile attempt. Knowing Rudo was stirring about unsettled him anyway. He knew he didn’t stand a chance resuming his slumber without knowing the kid had stumbled back to bed.

And, well. There was only one way to be certain.

With a heavy, dilated sigh, Enjin pushed himself from his bed, gritting his teeth against the bite of cold wearing into his skin. He really was in no mood for another disrupted night, but it didn’t feel fair to place a blame anywhere, or on anyone, either. Rudo wasn’t the type to be intentionally rowdy at this hour.

Shoving his crumpled covers aside, he pinched between his eyes and geared himself into somebody who hadn’t been dreaming mere moments ago. Again, knowing the culprit of his disrupted sleep, he would likely need to be alert.

He grumbled lightly under his breath during his stroll to the source of ruckus. That, in itself, did feel quite fair. Despite his own agitation, he was caught between a lazy saunter to allot himself appropriate time to stir, and a hasty, half-jog pace, spurred from the notion of Rudo possibly needing something – which he almost always did.

It wasn’t a long voyage of prowling the dark corridors before he finally encountered his presumed noisemaker. By then, he was wide awake, and had ridded himself of some of the provocation climbing up his spine.

He observed the scene before him with quirked brows, squinting a little against the harsh lights beaming overhead. Hovering by the doorway of the kitchen, he finally cleared his throat and slid one hand into a pocket.

‘You seem to be in the middle of something,’ he said, coolly. ‘Don’t mind if I interrupt you.’

Rudo popped his head beyond the open refrigerator door, blinking blown pupils that flamed like they’d been caught doing something they shouldn’t. Enjin could barely see the rest of him, which, in retrospect, really didn’t matter in terms of assistance to context. Rudo’s eyes spoke enough.

He glanced between Enjin and whatever he’d been scavenging for.

‘Sorry,’ he said, after a moment. For someone as bitter as he was, he was quite quick to apologise. ‘I was just hungry.’

Snorting, Enjin shifted to lean a shoulder against the frame.

‘That’s allowed,’ he said, airily. ‘You happen to be bangin’ everythin’ around like you’re set to wake the whole town, though.’

Rudo winced, a frustrated little grunt catching in the back of his throat.

‘Right,’ he replied, as blunt as the first. ‘Sorry, my – my hands are a bit –’ he shook his head a little. ‘I’ll try to be quieter.’

That caught Enjin’s attention. ‘Your –’ he paused, frowning. ‘Your hands what?’

It wasn’t like he didn’t have his own suspicions, more or less a clarified verdict; but he always sought for Rudo to announce these things by himself.

The boy scowled, avoiding Enjin’s piercing gaze by diverting his own to the fridge. ‘It’s not a big deal. They’re just sore, is all.’

‘I figured,’ said Enjin, because this wasn’t the first of nights he’d been awake with Rudo for such matters. Nor was it particularly difficult to recognise that whenever Rudo referred to his hands – not gloves – it was never for something good. ‘But they’re aching, now?’

Rudo sighed. He finally closed the fridge door, with much quieter intention.

‘They always ache, Enjin,’ he said, softly. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

Ignoring the strange, enigmatic twist in his gut, Enjin paused to gather a response that wouldn’t irritate him.

‘Just because they’re always aching, doesn’t make it any less of something to deal with,’ he said in the end, very matter-of-factly. Then, at Rudo’s confused and slightly defeated expression, he sighed and shoved himself from the doorframe.

‘What is it?’ He asked, striding across the kitchen. ‘What is it you’re trying to make?’

And, well, Rudo was pretty odd, in his own little ways. Within his doubt, he simply blanked him, saucer-eyed and mute as he stood aimlessly. Following the silence, Enjin rid himself of his own puzzled thoughts, suddenly feeling very inclined to be of much use as he could.

He smiled and rapped his knuckles against the countertop. ‘C’mon. I’ll make it for you.’

At that, Rudo finally edged forward, peering curiously at the space. Enjin had no idea where his scepticism derived from – whether it came from his own insecurity, or the unfamiliar nature Enjin himself was demonstrating.

‘Oh,’ he murmured. He stepped back again, seemingly entirely at a loss as where to affiliate himself. ‘I was just gonna make a sandwich, or something.’

‘What kind of sandwich?’ Enjin got to work immediately. He moved quickly with precise, assembling bread and a chopping board and whatever spreading knives. It only felt right to take control of the situation. He waited another moment, allowing him to take his time, before Rudo spoke up again. ‘Just – um, a sweet one.’

‘Do you ever eat anything normal?’ Enjin countered, with a chuckle – then immediately hoped it didn’t come across weirdly judgmental. Rudo’s disposition around candy told everybody he’d never had any during his life in the Sphere. It once again, felt a tad too mean to continuously poke fun at him for it; no matter how often he did so. In this moment, he felt the regret he hadn’t on other occasions.

He reached for a jar of chocolate spread, waving it before Rudo as he awaited his approval. Upon the rapid nodding he received, Enjin grinned and continued his task.

He glanced down at the stark eyes that followed him, peeking above the counter as they analysed his movements. ‘How bad are the hands?’

‘As bad as they always are.’

‘Do they need a rewrapping?’

Rudo didn’t answer, which told Enjin enough.

He sighed again, which was almost comical. It seemed both of them were a little fed up, tonight. Rudo for reasons he could only imagine, and himself, well. It always irked him when the children just wouldn’t listen to him.

Squashing the two slices together, he set down his knife and turned to face Rudo with what he hoped was something inviting, but stern.

‘You’re valuable,’ he said, which he conceded was starting perhaps a little too strong. Well. ‘Really valuable. You’re strong, brave, and powerful. You’re a good cleaner; I like having you on my team.’

He paused, allowing the moment to forge into what it was. In a way, he felt a sense of guilt that stirred from interrupting what he could suppose was Rudo’s time alone, more so, with a conversation the kid sure as hell didn’t expect. He had to get his point across either way.

Rudo’s red gaze didn’t falter, holding tightly onto Enjin’s following words. ‘Part of what makes a good cleaner good, is looking after themselves. Asking for help when they can’t do it on their own. Making sure they’re in tip-top shape for anything that comes their way. You know what I mean? I need you,’ gently, Enjin poked the side of Rudo’s skull. ‘To start opening your mouth about these damn hands.’

Rudo glanced away once more, a flush furrowing its way to his cheeks. He rolled his eyes, though he didn’t move away like he normally did when Enjin spoke to him this way.

He cut the sandwich in half, plated it, then brought it to the table. Rudo followed wordlessly, slipping into the chair where his food had been set, limp and quiet all the while. Enjin sat beside him, pulling out his own seat and hooking it against the wall. He rested an elbow upon the wooden surface, watching intently as Rudo, again, simply gawked at his meal, rather than actually eat it.

Then, feeling rather foolish, Enjin jolted. ‘Wait – ’ he hesitated, pointing to Rudo’s gloved, injured palms, still glued by his side. ‘Can you use them, at all?’

Rudo made another one of his ineligible, aggravated sounds.

‘No,’ Enjin finished, for him, huffing irritably. He sat back, having posed his next question mentally but struggled harbouring the balls to ask it aloud. Finally: ‘Do you want me to feed you?’

If someone could combust with anger, it would have been Rudo, and if it were Rudo, it would have been a long time ago; just as much as it could have been that very moment. His face twisted into that of an insulted, feral animal. A small one, but provoked all the same. Enjin had known such a question would damage the pride every teenager possesses; but, Hell, Rudo had been through enough as it was.

‘Do I want – ’ Rudo spat, and perhaps if his hands didn’t hurt so badly, he would have slammed them down in protest. ‘You to feed me?’

‘I’m not trying to baby you,’ Enjin said, calmly. He shrugged. ‘It’ll be easier. You’re hurting. I can help. It’s just logical.’ He didn’t point out that he also wasn’t in any particular favour of sitting there to watch uselessly as Rudo struggled to nourish himself. It didn’t feel right.

For a moment, he truly believed Rudo would retort with some sort of colourful string of insults; but he didn’t. He chewed his lip, falling silent as he returned to avoiding Enjin like he was the plague itself.

He did that often – avoided things much more when he was tired. Much like every other time Enjin had found Rudo in this scenario, he felt his stomach winding uncomfortably at the thought of such agonising hands. And much like every other time Enjin had caught Rudo in this scenario, he felt desperately sorry for him.

‘Fine,’ said boy hissed out, after a moment.

Enjin graced him a minute to collect himself, before he reached over and scooped up a half of the sandwich. Before bringing it to Rudo’s mouth, he tilted his head. ‘Any preferred biting-spot?’ He grinned. ‘Corner, middle, crust?’

‘Middle,’ said Rudo, which was typical. Enjin did as instructed, hoping the kid didn’t think he was laughing at him. If anything, he thought the ordeal was a little endearing, but Rudo seemed far too tender around such ideas.

As he pondered, Enjin left the sandwich raised appropriately, because Rudo was a multiple-bites kinda guy. Sure enough, he took several before he lifted his head away.

He munched in silence, gaze flickering frantically elsewhere. Enjin could gather he was trying to pretend he was absolutely anywhere but here, participating in such a thing; but to him, it really wasn’t all that bad. Rudo either hated accepting help from others; didn’t trust it – or was either self-assumed to be much older than he actually was.

‘This isn’t as embarrassing as you think,’ Enjin said then, kindly.

At first, he’d found it difficult to connect with Rudo around this specific topic. Truthfully, the vicious wounds lacerating those kids’ hands was something he hadn’t ever seen before. He hadn’t known how to react at the time. How at all to approach it, really.

Now, well, he was sure even Rudo would admit that the two of them had stricken up quite the routine. ‘Seriously, it isn’t. None of this is even your fault, anyway.’

Rudo huffed a strand of fallen hair from his forehead. ‘As if that makes it any less humiliating!’

‘It should!’ Enjin protested, moving to the second piece. ‘I mean it. You didn’t put yourself in this situation.’ Blinking, he seized the moment to gesture around them. ‘Literally, in this entire situation, nor the one you came from, at all. You can’t blame yourself for the things have no control over.’

‘You can for not doing better,’ Rudo muttered, then bit down harshly. He chewed heatedly, glaring at everything besides Enjin’s face – which was thoughtful, because Enjin was almost positive the anger was directed to him.

Once he was finished, Enjin set aside the plate and leaned closer to him. He rested his forearms across the surface, tapping it playfully with dancing fingertips. He’d come to know that Rudo could fall out of a sulk as quickly as he fell into it. ‘Don’t pout at me. Do you feel better? Satisfied?’

He was visibly agitated as he did so, but Rudo nodded all the same.

‘Good,’ Enjin clasped his palms, rising from the table. ‘Let’s go sort these hands.’

***

It seemed that, much like with everyone else, Rudo avoided looking at himself, too.

From behind him, Enjin could see through the grimy mirror how his eyes leapt wherever they could possibly go, but shied from his reflection like he’d grown a second head. Enjin didn’t understand that one. The hands, sure, they were startling. But there was nothing wrong with Rudo’s face.

He’d scrunched up all the more the moment Enjin gently removed his gloves. The first time, it’d been a far stronger reaction. Rudo obviously didn’t like people seeing the condition his hands were in; much less the exposure that came with it. He covered it with a lofty sarcasm when he was particularly defensive – but it depended on his mood, really, how he behaved around such a vulnerable display. Enjin had noted that he’d eased up around him, at least, which felt nice. A strange sort of satisfaction he couldn’t define.

‘Who are you hiding from?’ He couldn’t help but point out, then, because the harvesting silence had grown unbearable. ‘Did you turn into a trash beast when I wasn’t looking?’

Rolling his eyes, Rudo returned to fixing his gaze on his hands, and said nothing. He had them shoved beneath the rushing faucet like he was wrestling something poisonous from him – angled awkwardly as he hid the gashes beneath the accretion of foam. He grunted a bit and squeezed his eyes shut. Clearly, he was in too much pain for any attempt of humour.

‘Sorry,’ Enjin said, though he wasn’t exactly sure what for. Probably for not reading the room, he could suppose. He felt he should be sorry for something, at least.

He reached over to retrieve one of Rudo’s gloves, flapping it thoughtfully. ‘I can’t believe this thing can do what it does.’ He met the kids’ eyes from where he’d finally glanced up in the mirror. ‘That you can do what you do.’

Rudo’s gaze immediately darted away again. He coughed into his shoulder, and Enjin couldn’t tell whether he was embarrassed, or annoyed.

‘You just say that because you feel sorry for me,’ he said in the end, which clarified Enjin’s doubts altogether. ‘You can keep it to yourself. I don’t want it.’

‘You say this every time,’ Enjin sighed, reaching around his frame to dunk the gloves in the washpool made of the basin. ‘I’m many things, kid. A liar isn’t one of them.’

Rudo, again, was silent. This time, Enjin could imagine their sudden closeness in proximity had something to do with it. Kid always seized up when one of them was in any way touching him; let alone with affection. He’d caught him a little off-guard with that one, so he let this silence slide.

‘If anything,’ he continued, ‘I’m just confused. I don’t say shit to make you feel great. I’m curious to how it happened.’

‘That makes the two of us, then,’ said Rudo, with a heavy exhale. It was, at least, a less-than-hostile response. Plus, they had come to an agreement, which was always a bonus.

Enjin nodded, which was pointless because Rudo wasn’t looking anyway – before he continued to rinse away the filthy residue scaling the gloves. He set them aside to dry, before swiftly turning to snatch the bandages he’d prearranged neatly by the windowsill.

He pulled out a small stool and set it in front of the bath. Taking his own seat on the edge of the smooth tub, he patted the flat surface for Rudo. ‘Come here. Sit there, and I’ll wrap your hands for you.’

Conveniently, having learnt from the entire playout of this ordeal by that point, Rudo merely did as he was told, and thrust his hands at Enjin with as much snark as he could muster.

Ignoring him, Enjin simply began enacting as promised, though he fought to retain a neutral expression as he did so. It was fascinating Rudo did what he did with hands like his.

‘Are you extra down because they’re extra . . . achy?’ Enjin murmured, then. Fuck, he was feeling quite chatty for someone so irritated upon being woken. ‘I wouldn’t know. You’re good at hiding it.’

‘I’m not ‘extra down,’’ Rudo said, affronted. ‘I’m fine!’

‘Well –’ Enjin jerked the corner of his mouth, disagreeing shamelessly as he carefully, tenderly wrapped Rudo’s battered palms. ‘You just seem less like yourself.’

Rudo took his time before he responded, chewing his mouth as he fitfully came to a decision. ‘Is it because I’m not smiling?’

The question was asked innocently enough. Enjin felt something tug in his chest, and it was tight, confusing. Most things about this child left him feeling very confused. There just seemed to be something about Rudo when he was like this, that was so terribly sad.

Swallowing, he found himself fighting his thoughts as he gently offered a rather tactless retort. ‘To be fair, kid, I don’t think anyone has actually ever seen you smile.’

Rudo did meet his eyes, then. His own, for once, weren’t definitive. Perhaps a little lost.

Pausing from where he’d moved onto Rudo’s second hand, Enjin pressed his mouth together, before imploring a desperately curious: ‘Why don’t you smile, Rudo?’

Perhaps he could have asked questions of the more mundane. Firing the ones he had at Rudo already landed him in hot water; but there was always something about the private, late hours they shared that had him gathering the courage to push for something deeper.

It mostly never worked.

Rudo, like with all else Enjin had thrown at him that night, turned away in a conflicted debate as how to answer. Enjin wasn’t sure what he was expecting him to say, but his evident struggle in conjuring a reply intrigued him. Rudo seemed to struggle around areas he hadn’t seen in anyone else, and he couldn’t diverge his wondering, no matter how hard he tried.

Just as Enjin had smoothed over the last stretch of bandage, Rudo finally answered him with a very, very small: ‘I don’t know how.’

Frowning, Enjin slowed his movements from where he’d instantly began to pack the materials away. ‘. . . You don’t know how.’

‘No,’ Rudo said. He shrugged, inspecting his new dressings. ‘I don’t know how.’

Enjin could think of many responses to that. First, he wanted to say how he thought smiling was just a normal human bodily function, and it wasn’t something one had to learn to do. Second, he wanted to say that he found it impossible to believe that Rudo had lived fifteen years of his life and had not once found anything funny.

He also wanted to point out that he felt it was a terrible thing, because smiling and laughing made everybody feel great. But that was much too sentimental, on his part.

In the end, all he did say was: ‘Well, then, I guess we’ll have to teach you how, then.’

2. 

As Enjin was coming to understand many things about Rudo, he came to the dire, defeating, terribly inconvenient understanding, that Rudo liked to train. Hard.

It was always a bad thing when somebody didn’t know their limits. Particularly when that somebody was a child that possessed a magic much, much bigger than him. One he wasn’t afraid to toss and throw about, it seemed.

‘We’ve already figured this out,’ Enjin called over, surveying the rather amusing scene, a half-smoked cigarette dangling from his mouth. ‘You need to learn when to reign it in, Rudo. Zanka’s right.’

Rudo scoffed, spitting to the side. He wiped his face, sniffing as he seemed to blink himself back into his game. He turned to his mentor, completely ignoring Enjin yet again. ‘You have more trash?’

‘Rudo, you’ve had enough,’ Enjin repeated, sterner this time. He moved in closer, thick boot-clangour announcing his disapproved arrival. He spoke before Zanka could protest his own.

‘Your nose is already bleeding. You don’t need to wear yourself out –’ frowning, Enjin paused as he inspected further. ‘Hang on – no wonder you’re a mess. Hell, Rudo. You can barely see where you’re going over that mop.’

It was then, somehow much more obvious in that moment, than it had been upon Enjin’s initial entrance to the session. He’d been watching from behind, mostly, and not for very long. Standing up close, in front of him, he could see the length Rudo’s hair had grown since he’d dropped. Extremely inconvenient.

‘I did say that!’ Zanka barked, gesturing to the overgrown locks. He huffed impatiently. ‘Told him it was gonna get in the way.’

‘What am I supposed to do about it?’ Rudo fired back, riled and breathless from practice. ‘I’ll figure it out at some point!’

‘You’ll figure it out now,’ Enjin interrupted, suspecting what he figured was to be another one of their dramatic, feisty brawls. ‘Recharge, get that hair cut, and just listen. To. Me. Alright?’

Rudo opened his mouth as though he was going to retort, then thought better of it. He glared icily, dashing pupils launching daggers — but remained silent.

Enjin struck a hand on his shoulder. ‘Come on. You can finish up here and follow me.’

And by some goddamn blessing; he did.

Now, it wasn’t like Enjin was going to grab a pair of scissors and do the job himself.

So he asked Riyo to do it. Because, well. Obviously.

The common room was quiet and conveniently out of use for this stage in the afternoon. Rudo seemed to be embarrassed about these sorts of things, which Enjin couldn’t bring himself to understand why, or how – or where the hell it’d even come from. But it was best there was privacy around the ordeal, because the kid sprouted a sulk the moment he was placed on his stool, and kept it the whole way through.

‘It’s only a small trim,’ Riyo said, above Rudo’s folded arms and sullen scowl. ‘It won’t take long! You’ll be back out before you know it.’

‘Not helping,’ Enjin pointed out, because A) Rudo was supposed to be done for the day, and B) of course he was going to watch. Rudo acting like a bratty little kid was always priceless.

Only, the ‘bratty’ expression he bore very quickly shifted into something delicately darker. As Riyo worked her way around his head, he caught Rudo’s face slipping into something that told Enjin it wasn’t embarrassment he felt. Nor any particular anger towards being driven from his prior commitments.

He bit back what otherwise would have been some pretty facetious comments of his own, because again, it didn’t feel right to jest with him when there was upset, there, somewhere buried deeply behind those guarded, hard eyes.

Riyo tried to chat with him despite his irritation – and received no response bar the tiny ‘thanks’ as soon as she set her scissors aside. She glanced at Enjin, her own eyes pressing with confusion. He waved her off, their silent exchange entirely unnoticed from Rudo’s bowed head. She’d ask again properly, later, he knew.

But for now, Enjin figured it was another one of those times where he’d have to lightly entice a conversation with him and simply go from there.

‘Thanks, Riyo,’ he called after her as she floundered off.

Then he pulled his own chair in front of Rudo and leaned in lowly in search of his face.

‘Hey,’ he said, gently. He reached out and tapped his knee. ‘What’s going on in there?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Doesn’t look like ‘nothing’ to me.’

‘Okay well get your eyes checked then, because it is nothing.’

Phew. Definitely not nothing.

Enjin found himself smiling despite the feisty remark. ‘My visions all intact, kiddo. Wouldn’t have spotted you when you fell otherwise. Look – you don’t have to say everything. But I know something is wrong.’

Rudo kept his arms crossed, and like he always did when confronted with these things, simply stayed silent.

And then it was like someone clocked Enjin on the side of his temple with a massive fucking brick. This was Rudo’s first haircut since he’d arrived at the Ground, which of course, only meant –

Before he could think better of it, Enjin blurted: ‘Did Regto used to cut your hair for you?’

‘Don’t,’ Rudo hissed sharply, finally jerking his head to meet his eyes. ‘Don’t.’

Yeah. Touchy subject. Hell, Enjin didn’t know enough to figure where to steer this. His approach with Rudo’s past always seemed to be wrong. He mostly got the other things right, even he knew that. But when it came to Regto – he had to be pretty damn careful.

‘Well,’ he continued, after a brief pause. He interlocked his fingers and rested his elbows on his knees. ‘I’m ah – sorry if that was hard for you. I didn’t realise it might bring up some memories.’

‘Shut. Up,’ Rudo warned; but even with such venom, the bite was smaller.

It didn’t take a genius to realise that it probably was best to stop talking. Enjin raised his hands in surrender, attempting to ease the tension that, in all fairness, he himself had created.

‘Well done,’ he murmured, in the end. ‘Thank you for co-operating with me.’

And Rudo glared, and glared, and glared.

3.

‘You lost, Enjin, just accept it – you’re terrible at this game,’ said Gris, triumphantly waving his cards around.

Bro and Gris had been nudging and grinning at one another the entire round. Enjin knew they were apt to his distraction, and mostly poking fun for the subject of it. He hadn’t paid much attention since Bro pulled out the deck – which was rare, for him. He was rather competitive.

‘Alright, alright,’ Enjin tossed his cards to the table. ‘Spare me. Go again.’

He wasn’t sure why he bothered with such suggestion. Perhaps it felt better to at least seem like he was engaged, rather than blatantly staring at Rudo – who was cornered away from everybody else.

Riyo and Zanka were participating, for once, which Enjin figured secretly allowed the two to feel much more grown-up than they were. Zanka in particular had the widest expression upon the invitation to play; which was quite sweet in itself. It was good to have their company there, anyway. Their table was spread out, full of banter and spirited wit that allowed for everyone to just relax.

Well, everyone but Enjin. He was barely present, and in his shit luck, it showed.

The kids were playing their own game. Guita seemed to have introduced them to the concept of what she called ‘stop the bus!’ – a fun paper game that required all players to list at the top of the page: a boy name, a girl name, a food (or, in Rudo’s case, candy), and a colour. Along the side of the page was every letter of the alphabet, and each of them took turns counting the letters in their head until someone called it – then they had to list out each of said titles with the beginning of that letter as fast as they could. Whoever won yelled ‘STOP THE BUS!’ And the rest would throw down their pencils in defeat, then compare answers.

Honestly, it seemed pretty enticing. Remlin and Guita were both entirely smoking Dear, which would’ve been more comical if Rudo was involved in the matter, and likely would have been, had he not gotten up halfway through the game – very quietly – to sit on his own.

Enjin knew it had nothing to do with any loss.

Riyo kept pointing out that she was half-tempted to join what they were doing instead, and probably would have if her and Zanka weren’t whispering amongst each other towards Enjin’s distant presence at their table. They buddied up against him the second they caught onto his diversion; much unlike Bro and Gris, who were far more subtle in their inklings.

Their game continued. Enjin pretended to give a shit, pretended not to look at Rudo half the time, and got away with neither. Rudo being in a huff was an entirely different story, but the way he appeared right now argued otherwise. Something was gnawing at him. He was feigning his own emotions, and seemed to have removed himself away from the other kids to feel whatever the distress on his own.

But every time Enjin looked over, it only appeared to have grown worse. It wasn’t anger, temper, irritation that wore its way onto his features.

It was panic.

He sat with his knees tucked to his chin, using the ledge of the table to keep them securely in place, which didn’t really matter with all the adjustments he was doing. One moment he was still, the next he was fidgeting, pulling at his clothes and dropping a leg or so to source a sense of comfortability. From all Enjin’s surveillance, he’d acquired none so far.

He kept rubbing his cheek into his arms, twisting his head this way and that in what seemed, to muffle out some noise from one ear to another. He really could have just been incredibly pissed off at something.

But there was something about his gestures that told Enjin it was anxiety he was experiencing.

In the end, he couldn’t justify why he was so fixed on acting like he wasn’t concerned. More so, leaving the entire matter to even out as it was.

He struggled with formulating exactly what it was he’d say, as he eyed his cards dubiously. Shouting over to ask if Rudo was alright wouldn’t do any good. Evidently, he wasn’t. And he was never, ever in the mood to speak about things like this.

Enjin could distantly catch the conversation circulating around him, the laughter, the jokes. But when he spared another terribly un-secretive glance to Rudo, his entire head was buried in his knees, and he didn’t appear to be breathing evenly whatsoever. There was a slight shake to his arms, wrapped around said knees very, very tightly.

That did it. Not only for him, but Gris and Bro very quickly caught onto Enjin’s worried expression – and Riyo and Zanka didn’t find it all that funny anymore.

‘Is he alright?’ Gris murmured, around the same time as Bro’s: ‘Hey, what’s going on with him?’

‘Guess you were right to keep looking,’ Riyo said, quietly. Zanka simply openly stared down the boy, frowning in concern. All of them kept their sudden perception to Rudo’s state as subtle as they could, but Enjin was done ignoring the brutal sawing in his gut.

‘Hang on,’ he said then, springing from his chair. Fucking hell, he wasn’t sure how the idea hadn’t come to him sooner. ‘I’ll be right back.’

He headed to his room with a sick sort of discomfort, somehow still confused as to what it was about this kid that had him feeling so strangely paternal. It wasn’t like he didn’t experience the need to protect, the innate desire to watch out for all his guys. All of the kids.

But it was different, with Rudo. It drew a lot for him to feel in any way on the behalf of others as it was, and it was a rare, rare thing for him to experience. He didn’t really offer rescue unless it truly was a life-or-death situation; which in that case, he would always make damn sure he’d pull through.

But shit, something about that kid pulled his heartstrings in a way that felt far more unfamiliar than what he could reconcile with. He knew it wasn’t only when Rudo was bleeding out to death that he’d want to come save him. It was any damn time that child just didn’t seem okay.

As swiftly as he could manage, he rummaged around his things until he found his pair of headphones. Those fuckers had built-in noise cancellation; and for somebody who hated being woken during the night, he didn’t use them for a reason.

But now, there was definitely somebody who could.

He returned almost as quickly as he’d left, sidling right past the adult table, the kids table; where they were somewhat half-playing, because they’d managed to catch on too. He headed straight over to Rudo – who was worse off than before.

He crouched onto his knees, attempting not to startle him. Slowly, gently, he placed a hand on Rudo’s back to let him know he was there.

The kid jolted, twisting his startled neck onto his cheek to face him. He glanced at Enjin for all of two seconds before raising his head properly, mouth clamped shut as he breathed rapidly through his nose. He was trembling all over.

‘Easy, easy,’ Enjin murmured. He kept the hand on his back and offered a few tender strokes. ‘I have something for you that might help. I’m gonna put these on your head, okay?’

For whatever state Rudo was in, he jerked away, angling his neck in protest as his body remained tightly enclosed in his little ball. A few panicked noises burbled from his pressed mouth, enough so that he managed to open it in a wrangled, choked protest.

‘You’re okay,’ Enjin whispered, suddenly harbouring the realisation that the kid was overwhelmed as all hell. ‘Hey, hey, you’re okay.’

For the intensity of the moment, Enjin could still appreciate that the others had returned to their own chatter, deliberately busying themselves as not to throw all the attention on Rudo, who was engulfed with enough as it was. Either way, Rudo’s eyes darted everywhere and nowhere all at once, and Enjin felt his chest clamp at how petrified he looked.

‘Can I put these on you?’ He asked, softly. He held up the headphones. ‘Just over your head. On your ears.’

Rudo didn’t respond. His breathing hadn’t paced into anything easier, and he still seemed too unaware of what was happening around him. He’d dropped his legs to assign himself a bigger ability to run away; perhaps one of the first times Enjin could truly compare a person to a frightened, tangled up animal. It was like nothing he’d seen before in any of the children.

It felt a bit wrong, but he took the opportunity of the somewhat eased lurches, to smoothly place the headphones over his head. He’d already prior arranged the setting to the strongest noise-cancellation the things could offer – and the effect was instant.

Rudo stopped. He panted, finally out of his mouth, his hands reaching up to clasp around the ear cups. His eyes fixed on Enjin’s, bigger than he’d ever seen them. He could only gawk, his whole body deflating in relief.

‘There we go,’ Enjin murmured, more to himself than anything, because Rudo couldn’t hear a damn thing. As alternative communication, he rubbed up and down his bicep with the kindest smile he could offer, then rose back to his feet. Rudo’s eyes were still locked on his.

And then, at last, they pulled away as he managed to slow down his system. Enjin hovered minutely until Rudo’s eyes fluttered shut, and he leaned forward to bury his face in his elbows. It was a good thing he was keeping himself around everyone else – Enjin already suspected there was a reason he hadn’t just gotten up and left.

When he returned to the table, whatever stirred chatter fizzled out. Behind them, the kids had moved onto something else entirely, fully focused on their new game now there was confirmation Rudo was settled. Enjin put up with the silence for a mere few seconds before he snorted. His humour was back now that the whole thing was taken care of.

‘What? Go on. Say what you want to say.’

Typically, nobody did. Gris and Bro offered nods of acknowledgement, because they too, shared the understanding of those specific instincts.

But not a word was uttered. Until Riyo nodded over to where Rudo was either falling, or had fallen asleep. ‘No, nothing,’ she shrugged, with a small smile. ‘That was just . . . sorta’ sweet.’

‘Relief was damn quick,’ Zanka commented, though he didn’t look up from his cards. ‘I don’t think you’re gonna get ‘em back.’

‘That’s alright,’ Enjin replied, unable to fight a small smile of his own. ‘I don’t need ‘em anyway.’

4.

Rudo in the infirmary was certainly out of left field.

He bounced back faster than a child his age and size probably should. Enjin had watched Rudo fight without any energy to do it, fight after being – quite literally – impaled, fight with those dreaded hands of his, and probably numerous of other things he couldn’t begin to count.

With Remlin around, it wasn’t often the team took a bad fall they couldn’t return from. Sure, her runes only went so far – but they provided a safety that to each and every extent, always managed to carry through when things got entirely out of hand.

Eisha was of similar comfort. With her healing abilities, it wasn’t always hellish endurance they had to suffer through before she could come along and soothe the wounds.

But, such as everyone else, their Jinki’s came with limits, with weaknesses. A temporary remedy rather than an airtight fix, really; and it wasn’t broken bones or physical injury that had Rudo trapped in bed.

No. The kid was just sick.

His immune system had been deteriorating for a while, starting with runny noses and sore throats and all sorts of symptoms that reduced Remlin and Eisha’s abilities rather pointless. It was something Rudo’s body would have to battle on its own. And probably would have, had the stubborn brat done the one thing Enjin asked him to do, and spoke up about it.

But it took for his collapse during (thankfully) quite the intense training session, for the severity of his sickness to really shine through. Even then, it’d been known Rudo was sporting a pretty bad flu, but there was so little that actually wore him down, nobody expected that to be the one thing that not only knocked him, but kept him on the ground.

Zanka, for all his usual apathy towards Rudo, had been the first to call it. Naturally, as his trainer, it was up to him to analyse everything, to know when things were steering off-course. Countless of occasions had that boy argued and argued and argued with Rudo about his own boundaries – which not only drove a wedge between them, but aided to Zanka’s particular indifference when it came to his general wellbeing as well.

But it hadn’t gone amiss, how gentle he became the moment Rudo’s eyes rolled to the back of his head. He’d forcefully hit the ground, with such a clank it drew a heavy, heavy wince from his otherwise hard features. Enjin had been observing the whole thing from afar; mostly due to the fact he wanted to be sure Rudo was still taking things as seriously as he should be. He wanted his presence further away, because Rudo still needed to learn to respect Zanka’s judgements, without Enjin having to step in as reinforcement.

Either way, it only took the kid to fall for Enjin to sprint over. By the time he reached the two of them, Zanka had wormed his palm beneath Rudo’s head, blowing vigorously down on his face. Enjin wasn’t sure if it was to help sweep the hair strewn across his forehead, as a tactic to attempt to rouse him, or both. It was still, oddly enough, nice to see.

‘Shit, shit, shit,’ Zanka was muttering, as Enjin knelt into place beside him. ‘I’m sorry, Enjin. I should’ve – I should’ve –’

‘Hey, whoa, relax,’ Enjin ordered, assessing the state of the somehow paler boy before them. ‘Not the time, Zanka. He’ll be fine, anyway. Just gotta check he didn’t concuss himself.’

‘Are we supposed to move him?’ Zanka said. The slight panic in his voice would’ve otherwise irritated Enjin, who expected much better composure from him – but again, the concern was real and obvious, and a testament to how he truly felt about Rudo. In a strange way, a good sign. Plus, the stakes could, in fact, be far higher than they actually were.

‘I think he’s just blacked out,’ Enjin muttered. He adjusted forward, signalling for Zanka to move out of the way, which he did. ‘We’ll bring him to the infirmary and get him checked out. He’s taken worse than this.’

Zanka nodded, a feral flush to his cheeks, which Enjin couldn’t gather was from shame or worry. It didn’t matter anyway, at least not right now.

Carefully, he slid one arm beneath Rudo’s legs, the other under his back, and lifted him into a bridal-carry. Which, he’d probably tease him for later, because Rudo would despise this sort of thing. It was easier to find the fun in the moment, than for him to admit that it felt weirdly correct to hold him like this.

To hold him at all.

 Zanka quietly followed as Enjin strode ahead, attempting as best he could to refrain from glancing down at the kid. He could feel Zanka watching him. He still had no idea what it was, that had him so caught up in feeling like he couldn’t expose the gentle nature he’d began to develop with Rudo. Fucking hell.

And just as he’d assumed, Rudo was absolutely fine. Well, no, not exactly. But a simple passing out wouldn’t actually crack his head open and kill him, with way Zanka was behaving he’d have to be responsible for. The kid woke up on his own not too long after, granted, with a banging headache and a clogged just about everything – but he was fine.

Now, Enjin observed from the doorway, with a soft sort of contentment. Guita, Remlin and Dear were piled atop of Rudo’s bed, chattering away despite the boys obvious, obvious exhaustion. Even so, Rudo didn’t seem in much of a hurry to shoo them away, which he absolutely would’ve if that’s what he wanted. He wasn’t shy about shoving people from his personal space.

No. It seemed he wanted the company. And, well, Enjin could admit that it was endearing to watch. At least to himself, anyway.

But it was rest, rest, and then more rest Rudo needed. So, rapping gently on the door, he coughed loudly to draw their attention. Four pairs of eyes turned to him in surprise, three of those pairs harbouring what he hoped, a little inch of guilt.

‘Hate to break up the party,’ Enjin said, but he was grinning. ‘But you all know what to do. C’mon, bedtime. Rudo needs his rest, and so do you guys.’

Shockingly, nobody protested, which was interesting in itself. Perhaps they could gather on their own that Rudo’s silence within all the chatter did come from a place of tiredness; that, or they’d reached a point of exhaustion themselves.

He watched fondly as they all bid their goodbyes, with very gentle, careful hugs and promises to return the very next day. Rudo waved his gloved hand, weakly, and then let it drop to his lap as his gaze fixed on Enjin, who’d merely moved aside to let the kids pass him by and out the door.

‘Well,’ he said, quirking a brow. ‘How are we?’

Rudo nodded, which was the only response Enjin could gather he was going to get. It wasn’t very affirming.

He found himself scanning the area around Rudo. Did he need water? Food? Soup, or something? More blankets? He wasn’t sure what to ask. Irritably, he found himself accepting that a part of him just wanted to be there. Though, he had arrived bearing a gift.

‘Remember when you wanted to bring flowers to Zanka?’ He said, easing himself down on the edge of the bed. ‘Well, it was a nice gesture of you to bring somethin’ to someone hurt. I thought I’d do the same for you. But maybe it’s a little more practical. Or, well. Somethin’ you like.’

Rudo loved trash. Everybody knew that. He loved fixing up the broken parts, filling them with the love they’d been stripped of. Clearly, there was some serious projecting going on there; but it wasn’t exactly trash Enjin had brought with him.

He reached into a small gift bag and pulled out, a specifically chosen hand-me-down, ragged but still fluffy, brown teddy bear. The length he could tell from eyeing it alone ran up the size of Rudo’s torso. Big enough for him to hug.

‘Sorry if it makes you feel small,’ he said, upon presenting it. He waved it around playfully. ‘But everybody likes these guys. You don’t have to be a certain age for it. Total myth, I promise.’

Rudo, like he did with almost fucking everything new or unexpected to him, didn’t move the rest of his face other than his eyes. However, at this point, Enjin had become quite susceptible to what those eyes were saying.

He passed it over without another word, and again, experienced an odd flip in his gut as he watched Rudo, so very gently, pull it to his stomach, and wrap his arms around it. In a hug.

Exactly what he’d hoped for.

‘Thank you,’ Rudo rasped, diverting between holding the thing and pulling it from himself to study it once again. Now, he found it much harder to meet Enjin’s imploring face.

‘That’s okay,’ Enjin said, just as quietly. He suddenly felt very awkward. Did he just get up and go, now?

Rudo ran a glove across the body of the bear, tilting his head to rest atop it. Enjin then figured that it was rather hypocritical to send everyone away if he were just to sit there and keep him awake himself.

He tapped the comforter beside him. ‘Get some rest, kiddo.’

When he reached the door, he heard a tiny, hoarse noise emit behind him. It sounded a little urgent, but more painful than anything else.

He turned again, looking at Rudo’s less-than-nestled self, having forced himself to sit up.

‘W-wait – no, sor –’ he coughed harshly, wheezes hacking through his mouth. ‘Sorry –’ he shook his head, having caught himself before the truth fell out. He fidgeted with both the bear and the sheets, and if he weren’t so run-down, Enjin could imagine the flush that would heat his cheeks.

It wasn’t difficult to figure out what he might have wanted.

‘Do you want me to stay?’ He asked, perhaps a bit too quickly. He hovered where he was, uncomfortable observing the state Rudo’s throat was in. Well, the entire condition of all of him, to be honest.

The kid seemed too embarrassed to nod. He didn’t do anything; other than tuck the bear tighter to his chest.

‘It’s alright,’ Enjin told him. Fuck, what was this softness? He didn’t even recognise his own tone. Nor his entire demeanour, but all those things felt distant from him when it came to Rudo. He knew that by now. ‘I can stay until you fall asleep?’

There, that got him a nod. Albeit a small one, but a confirmation all the same.

And so, he returned to his position. He edged backwards, smiling to himself as Rudo shifted his limbs to give him some room. He pulled up his own legs and made himself comfortable. A sign he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

He rested his hand around Rudo’s calf through the sheets, ignoring whatever the hell his brain roared as he found himself rubbing a thumb softly up and down the area. His behaviour around Rudo was alienating enough; he really didn’t need the self-deprecation for the fact he was simply providing comfort. Plus, the infirmary beds were fairly snug. He wasn’t nodding off, though.

Not at all. Never. He was merely here to wait. Then he would go. Back to his own damn bed.

As it turned, the two of them really, really needed that rest.  

5.

Enjin was becoming quite good at catching Rudo in his heaviest, darkest moments. Perhaps a radar developed in the back of his brain, somewhere along all these instances. Perhaps he was becoming more attuned to the emotional distress Rudo so often displayed – but not only the angry ones.

Perhaps he cared for him much more than he wanted to.

He’d only been crossing the headquarters, as he always did, to check on everybody before he went to bed. Nobody assigned him the job. He just took it upon himself. One of his quirks, he called it. Quirk. That was the safe way to refer to the task.

It was mostly for his younger counterparts, but he decided a long time ago that this routine was the only real way he could get to his own room comfortably. He never bothered pressing his mind on why that might be. He wasn’t that kind, anyway.

Or, well. Well.

He could hear Rudo before he was stood before his door. He’d only recently began to leave it slightly ajar, which Enjin figured was to let a little light in. Again, he found himself deviating from questioning what it was that suddenly had that child developing all these new habits. Even so, it was – in its own way – a good thing he’d introduced. Enjin had time to prepare before heading inside, now that the sounds were clearer from further away.

He could also take a peek through the small opening, which felt too invasive; but it was good to get an idea of where Rudo’s headspace was before he actually entered. Any other occasion it was maybe alright to step on the wrong branch; but not when the kid was legitimately going out of his mind.

Which he seemed to be doing now.

 He caught a glimpse of the pacing, the once again heavy breathing that he’d heard down the corridor. They weren’t groans of aches and pains, like he often had with his hands. He was frustrated, pent-up, threading the space with a lost, furious lack of direction. From what Enjin could gather, it seemed he wanted to reach and throw things around, but would aim to do exactly that, and whack himself in the face instead.

Yep. Time to intervene.

‘Knock knock,’ he said, slowly easing the door open. Barging in wasn’t going to solve the matter – and to be fair, it probably was a little mortifying to be caught in such a state.

Rudo balled his gloves into fists, acknowledged him for probably half-a-second, then with another frustrated little growl, turned away from him. ‘Go away Enjin.’

‘What’s up?’ Enjin said, totally ignoring his request. Already in boiling waters. ‘What’s at you at this hour, hm?’

Rudo spun to him, made another aggravated sound, and spun away once more. He continued his vicious stalking, marching across his bedroom like he truly had somewhere to be. The anger was one thing Enjin somehow always found manageable; but Rudo’s new inclination to fall into pretty shitty panic attacks was something even he found tougher to contend with. It was harder to watch, harder to know what to do. The blatant, wild fear always just gnawed at him. He didn’t know why.

‘Rudo,’ Enjin repeated, somehow soft and firm at the same time. ‘C’mon. What’s going on?’

Rudo waved him off bitterly, seething through his teeth. He probably would’ve spat on the floor, had he that lack of respect. But he didn’t, and Enjin could recognise now when Rudo was truly in a fit of rage - and when he was using it to cover up something else.

He watched him lose his breath piece by piece, moment to moment. Enjin did feel guilty knowing his arrival most likely spurred some of that on, but in the long run, this kid really shouldn’t have to battle these things out alone. He knew he’d always be glad to have stepped in at the right time; even if Rudo threw a brick in his face all the while.

‘Can you look at me a sec?’ He said, taking a few steps closer to him.

Wrong move. Rudo jerked away, the hostility rising as he edged away from Enjin’s efforted steps. He was less focused on swinging at himself, now that the fury had caught up in his throat and choked up, perhaps, what he already hadn’t been controlling very well before. He clutched at his chest, but he was still violently jittering around.

But his breaths were becoming frantic.

Enjin really couldn’t hack it. ‘Rudo, Rudo, stop and look at me for a second –’

‘NO!’ He finally whipped around, bellowing at him. ‘You always think you can fix everything! Well – you can’t!’

‘Rudo –’

‘Holy shit, how many –’ He got caught on a gasp, coughed, thumped himself in the chest, and then began, what it seemed, searching for something to actually throw this time. ‘–How many times do I have to say it? GET LOST!’

Enjin, for the record, stopped speaking. Off the record, he still didn’t budge.

‘I’m sorry, kid,’ he said, frowning, now. Rudo screaming in his face allowed him to establish what his own looked like. And it was damp, flushed, soaked with tears. All Enjin could see were dried streaks, clotted blood around the nostrils, and exhausted, exhausted eyes.

He ignored his own heartrate quickening. This wasn’t about him and his feelings – but fucking hell, Rudo was not okay.

He dared the chance to speak, and held up his hands slowly, as though approaching, once again, what he was a direct vision of: a wounded animal.

‘Alright, let’s just take some deep breaths, okay? In and out, slowly.’

‘Go. Away – NO!’ Rudo roared again, eyes flashing in a terrorised, overwrought outrage. Then he ripped the table lamp from his bedside locker and angled it threateningly above his head.

His voice hobbled over as he spoke, caught in a thick hook of swamped tears and mucus. ‘You’re NOT –’ he sniffed, hard; it sounded burnt-out and hurt. ‘–You’re not doing the breathing thing! That’s Regto’s thing!’

A tight silence followed his final outburst.

What became of any sound was merely Rudo’s infuriated, suffocated wheezes. His arms shook violently as he maintained his grip of the lamp like it was his own personal weapon. Meanly, Enjin was reminded of the fact that it quite literally could be.

He paused, feeling his heart shatter into fragments smaller than atoms. He kept up his surrendered gesture, though it didn’t seem to be doing anything at all. He stayed wordless, distributing a minute for both of them to take some time out. Inevitably, Rudo exposed exactly what it was he truly felt.

Attempting to rid himself of his own emotions, Enjin shook his head and bowed it briefly, inhaling sharply.

Then he took a good, long look at him. ‘So that’s what this is about.’

Rudo sniffed again even harder. He seemed entirely enraged and humiliated all at once. He was still breathing badly, but his confession seemed to silence something in his mind, and forged him some mercy to collect himself, if only briefly.

He kept a firm restrain of the lamp, but let it drop from behind his head.

‘This isn’t ‘about’ anything! Why do you always have to be the one to just — be here!’ He finally chucked the lamp aside – where it landed, with less effect Enjin was sure he was going for, softly on his bed. ‘Go somewhere else!’

‘You have to know me well enough by now, to understand that I’m not gonna do that,’ Enjin replied, a little surprised at his ability to keep his cool. Suddenly, he had never wished more, in any specific scenario, to have the type of relationship with Rudo where anything he could say would solve the problem. He never wanted to be someone that could provide the proper kind of comfort, than he did right now.

Rudo’s horrifying level of anger then began to dissipate into a broken, mortified sense of defeat. Or betrayal – or just something that was making this kid look like he was about to bawl. Enjin kind of wished he would. He knew he wouldn’t.

Rudo was still whacking at his chest, gritted teeth preventing the exact release Enjin would otherwise hope for. He made a noise stuck between another growl and a sob. ‘Why?’

Enjin hadn’t realised that this whole ordeal had knocked the wind out of him until he spoke again. ‘Because I’m always the first to give you my hand. Every time you fall.’ To soften the blow, or selfishly, ease his own heightened feelings, he clicked his tongue. ‘That’s my job, kid. Especially of you.’

Rudo’s heated glare seemed to grow all the more heated. ‘Not right now it isn’t.’

‘Especially right now it is, actually.’

It was good there was somewhat of a conversation going. Enjin could notice immediately that it was helping whatever stage of panic Rudo was falling into, because at least now, he had words to focus on that had to follow up from someone else’s, and not just his own.

Rudo wiped his dirty gloves across his shorts. He gave himself a second to inhale a few deep breaths. Enjin wasn’t sure what it was about it that had him swallowing, gutted. Kid really only wanted one person to do that for him; with him.

He pushed the thought away, like he was doing with them all, and waited until Rudo responded. He’d stopped his shouting, at least. And his hands remained by his side. That was progress, right?

Another sniff, and then a furious, harsh scrub across his eyes. ‘Do you always have an answer for everything?’

Enjin seized the chance to find any sort of humour, now that there was no real evidence that Rudo would completely lose himself. The energy in the room had shifted, if even only slightly, so he tried as hard as he could to force a small grin, and set his arms on his hips. ‘That’s rich, coming from you. You’re even quicker than me, and I don’t say that lightly.’

‘Point proven,’ Rudo spat; but he had since, finally, calmed down.

Not to mention Enjin was no longer being forcefully shoved out the door. With words, perhaps, but even so. Rudo seemed more settled with his presence, at last. Now he just stood where he was, rubbing at himself as he continued to attempt to gather his composure. Enjin could only imagine the fatigue that was kicking in after all of that.

Still, he wasn’t going to leave things like this. Distantly, he wished it wouldn’t be  the worst thing to go sit somewhere. Instead, he scratched the side of his temple. ‘Do you wanna tell me what that was about?’

Rudo — himself as ever, with a great strength in observing anything he could find if it meant he didn’t have to endure the agony of meeting Enjin’s eyes — stopped his fixated fiddling. Enjin kind of wanted to grab some wipes and clean him up. Not because he couldn’t stand the sight of everything smeared across him; but it felt like the gentle, parenting thing to do – the thing he was really lacking this whole time.

Rudo turned his head to the side, and folded his arms stubbornly. ‘There’s nothing to say,’ he muttered, bitterly.

Enjin licked his lips, then pressed his mouth together in momentary debate. He didn’t really have to push it. Not right now.

Anyway: ‘I feel like that’s not true.’

Rudo shot him another dark look. He pointed to the door. ‘You can feel whatever you want. Get out of my room. I’ve said it a billion times.’

Well, there went the credibility in Enjin’s hopes for Rudo accepting his presence. Again, he was only glad all the roaring had mellowed out, and that the kids breathing had stabilised.

Humour, humour, humour. Enjin repeated the word mentally like it was a spell of its own. That was one reliable way to ease this whole thing; he just had to find the right way to do it.

‘You only got this room because of me,’ he said then, immediately unsure as to why he opted that route, as he felt it was rather intangible as any kind of material against him, light-hearted or not. This was Rudo’s home – he had every ownership of the space.

He seemed to think so too. ‘Still my damn room, isn’t it? Got my name carved into the wall and everything. Literally has my name written all over it. So — get! Out!’

Nope. No humour in that one. The last thing Enjin was looking for was to rile him up all over again. Shit, maybe he should just leave him be?

‘Okay, wait, real talk,’ following this second spontaneous urge, Enjin held his hands up, hoping this peace offering planted the final deescalating element he hoped it would. ‘Can you push me out? No Jinki, just pure muscle. I’ll stand here and not move. Just shove me out the door. Seriously.’

In demonstration of his serenity, he parted his feet a tad and stuck his hands to his side, alluding no threat as he nodded in approval. ‘Go ahead.’

Crickets. Cool.

Enjin doubted everything in the silence that followed, but he stuck to his guns regardless. He had to do something to cheer him up; he could already anticipate the reflection on this whole thing the moment he went to bed, and despise how terribly he handled it all.

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Rudo said, after a minute. Which was strong, because he swore often, but oddly referred from that one. ‘I’m — I’m in the worst possible mood right now, and this is how you’re acting? This is what you want me to do?’

Enjin refused to falter. Again, conversation was a sure sign. ‘Sure I do. It’s fun! I promise. I’m curious now, anyway. Prove me wrong.’

Rudo continued to glare at him. ‘I’m not ‘proving’ anything!’ He said, though he didn’t shout it like he might’ve wanted, which was something. ‘Why is it so hard for you to just leave me alone?’

Enjin could appreciate that it was posed like a genuine question. So, figured he would answer like it wasn’t rhetorical. It was sobering, the words that lashed on his mouth, the ones he very, very often, found extremely hard to say.

He forced them out anyway. ‘Do you think I’ve saved your ass time and time again, because I don’t give a shit about you?’

There. He let that hang there, for a moment, straining not to overanalyse the more-than-likely silent response he would receive.

Rudo swallowed, and could, in fact, fire a quippy retort if he felt the need to. But Enjin was careful with his tone; he dropped the attempt of humour to give him the chance to take his remark seriously.

‘’Cause I do, kid,’ he lifted his arms out with a simple, easy shrug. It was an airy gesture that felt comforting within this odd sense of exposure.

‘With me, actions speak louder than words. I don’t do words. We’ve talked about this before.’ He paused. ‘But I can see that right now, you need words. So, I’m giving them to you. I give a shit. Too much of a shit, probably. But I can’t just ‘leave you alone’ when this is where you’re at. I know it’s –’ This was risky, once again. Good thing Enjin’s entire bit was taking them, wasn’t it? ‘–I know it’s not me, you want, right now. But I really do think there should be somebody, and right now, that somebody happens to be me.’

Enjin could almost see the billions of thoughts accumulating in Rudo’s mind. The kid’s face twitched in a way he couldn’t define, but still, he said nothing. He granted the space for it to sink in, watching him absorb this monologue with expressions that shifted from confusion, to recognition.

Then, slowly, Rudo nodded. He still fiddled uncomfortably, but for fucks sake, Enjin had finally managed to say the right thing.

‘You don’t want to talk, that’s fine,’ he continued, moving forward again. He leaned over to pick up the discarded lamp, and placed it back on the locker. ‘So let’s just get you into bed, okay?’

And that’s exactly what happened. Rudo stopped fighting with him; more so, stopped fighting with himself. He was mute as he climbed into the open covers Enjin held up for him, somehow quieter when he pulled out the gifted teddy bear from beneath them.

He didn’t protest once as Enjin softly lay the sheets back over his body. He didn’t go as far as to genuinely tuck him in; but he patted the covers once he was done – and patted the top of Rudo’s head the same.

He told himself it was merely another job done.

But even he knew, as he departed Rudo’s bedroom – leaving the door slightly ajar – that it really wasn’t just a job to him.

+ 6.

Truth be told, Enjin would never find out what type of sleeper he was.

Whether it was mister noisemaker, anyone who fell hungry during the night, or his own weird, outlandish dreams – it would render a fair argument for him to state that there was no such thing as ‘heavy sleeping’ when he was involved.

But then there were the times where he slept like a damn rock. There were times where Riyo and Zanka and Rudo drew on his face and he drooled throughout the entire ordeal. There were times plates have smashed in the kitchen and he was entirely oblivious to it all. There were times his own head shook violently, but not enough to rouse him.

There were times where somebody came creeping in – and it woke him instantly.

His door creaked open, flickers of hall light seeping through. It wasn’t enough. Enjin stirred upon the sound and didn’t waste any time before reaching over to flick on his own light, squinting hazily into the sudden intensity of it.

And there stood Rudo. Raggedy, hair-tousled, small, upset Rudo.

‘Hey,’ Enjin greeted lowly; though it came out in a dark, sleep-disturbed croak. He didn’t bother to stretch his voice as he continued to utter, hoarsely: ‘Hey, you. What’s the matter?’

Rudo stood and fidgeted, as he always did when he wanted something but didn’t want to say so. He pulled agitatedly at the side of his tank, face screwed up in all sorts of ways that meant he didn’t feel right.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. His own voice was mixed up in the many, many ways Enjin had heard before. He shuddered out a breath, then wrung his arms before clasping his gloved hands together. ‘But I – I need you to do the breathing thing.’

Enjin had all of four seconds to process exactly what it was that was happening, before he reacted.

‘Yeah, yeah, of course,’ he murmured, immediately shoving away his bedsheets. His heart thumped horribly at the sight of him. ‘Come here, kid.’

Hesitantly, and perhaps with more humiliation than he showed, Rudo wandered over before he stood directly before him, unclasping his hands to intertwine them behind his neck. He kept his eyes shut, breathing as best he could; but they emitted in dangerous, weak tremors. Enjin had to forgo whatever it was he thought, whatever it was that told him he wasn’t the correct adult for this. He’d always done something right in the end.

He surveyed the kid properly now, as he stood before him. It then became very evident, that not only had he been crying prior – he was crying now.

 Enjin took those gloved hands in his, careful not to press down where he didn’t need any more hurt.

‘In through the nose,’ he whispered, dropping one of those hands to reach around and cup the back of Rudo’s neck. He gave it a gentle squeeze. ‘Nice and slow, hold it, and out through the mouth.’

Rudo’s eyes fixated on his like he’d be shot if they were torn away. Enjin could argue an entire other being possessed his mind, that night. A being that was nurturing in a way he just, simply wasn’t.

But he felt he knew exactly how to carry him through this. It was the trust in those red, rounded eyes; the eyes bleeding into him that pleaded for a safety he promised he could offer. A safety he was more than capable of providing.

Rudo followed his every word, shaky breaths attempting to perfect the time of Enjin’s modelled, calmer ones. ‘Few more times, kiddo,’ he murmured, the palm around Rudo’s neck coming forward to cup his cheek, instead. He hadn’t the heart to chastise himself for it. Hadn’t the mere thought as to why.

‘. . . Again, nice and steady. That’s it, kiddo. Nearly there.’

Rudo inhaled through his clotted nose and blew out those little, frightened gasps Enjin was no stranger to. Still.

He’d never get used to it.

He tried not to notice that Rudo was squeezing his hand far harder than he, pressing more attention to his own thumb running soothing circles across his soft, baby-face cheek. They kept up the exercise until it was marked the kid could breathe on his own again.

It was so fleeting, Enjin found himself wondering if Rudo could recognise how much easier these things were to deal with when he asked for help.

But, of course he wouldn’t point that out.

He waited until Rudo let go of him to wipe at his face. Then, due to the nature of his senses returning, he buried said face into his gloves, and hid it in shame as his shoulders began to shake.

‘Hey, hey,’ Enjin kept his voice low, unsure of what to do with his own hands, now. For what he constantly requested of Rudo, he tenderly pried the gloves from his face. ‘You can cry, kid. You don’t have to hide that.’

Rudo’s covered fingers clutched around Enjin’s wrists as his eyes darted aside. It was a miracle to watch him allow the tears to fall; but Enjin was still stricken with uncertainty when he began to sob. Really, really sob.

He gripped harder, refusing to look directly ahead of him – and then, choked out in a desperate, tiny whimper: ‘I – I want Regto.’

Oh fuck.

Enjin swallowed, inhaled again. He let Rudo do whatever it was he was doing with his wrists; let him hold and snatch whatever he needed to ground himself. For all the interactions they had shared such as this one, finally, the kid had managed to say the thing.

‘I know,’ he whispered back, feeling stupid the moment he did. He wondered if his own pained expression was obvious, or if Rudo’s vision was clouded enough with tears as for him not to notice. ‘I – oh, hell, kid. I know.’

‘I want –’ he gasped, breathless as he struggled through his cries. ‘I want – I want –’

In retrospect, he probably should have asked, first.

But Enjin surged forward and pulled him into, what he hoped, a strong fucking hug.

For how startling it must’ve been, it didn’t take too long for Rudo to respond. Enjin felt those tinny arms claw around his back, clutch at his clothes for once. Felt as Rudo dug his face into his chest, felt as his knees began to crumble as he cried, and cried, and cried.

‘I wish I could make it better,’ Enjin found himself muttering, shoving his own face into the crown of white, rumpled hair. ‘I’m sorry, kid. I really am.’

Then: ‘Do you want to stay here? With me?’

Yeah. Another being definitely possessed him, that night.

Perhaps one possessed Rudo, too. He simply sniffed – the type of sniff that sounded like it ached, and nodded as quickly as he did when somebody offered him his sweets.

Fucking hell.

‘Okay,’ Enjin murmured, pulling up the sheets from the inside of his bed. He gently guided Rudo to climb in, keeping a warm hand on his back. ‘C’mon, get comfy.’

 He leaned over to flick off his lamp, and experienced an innate sense of panic as to where to put actually anything; then ignored it as best he could, as he did with every other situation, and carefully draped an arm around the small bundle beside him.

‘This okay?’ He murmured. He felt Rudo nodding below his chin.

What the fuck was going on?

‘I have you,’ Enjin found himself continuing to whisper into the darkness. For some reason, he felt there was much more left unsaid, that, for everything, truly didn’t need to be. He nudged Rudo to lift his head, then slid his free arm beneath it. He crooked said arm to scratch his hair, softly. ‘Good job for comin’ to me. I’m really glad you did.’

Above Rudo’s continuous sniffles, he scratched a little firmer. Tightened his hold just a little. ‘I know you miss the shit out of him, kid. But whenever there’s a single thing I can do, especially for things like this; I’d like if you let me. If that’s what you want.’

Another nod. Enjin should probably just shut the fuck up.

He felt his eyes sliding closed; though he kept up his gestures because the aim was for Rudo to sleep miles before he did.

Then, after everything evened out, and the serenity settled within the darkness – he felt Rudo’s hand gently slip into his, and hold on tight.